remember: there is no good or bad here, just two people whose lifestyles are incompatible.
And, if you want to you could always offer her S18 a place to stay until he is able to get out on his own.
Andrew, I commend you for coming to a decision, albeit one that's not easy. While I know telling her will be difficult, I think it would be incredibly selfish to keep the charade going by not ending it. That's just my opinion. Don't allow yourself to be manipulated. Not all endings have to be horrible.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
And, if you want to you could always offer her S18 a place to stay until he is able to get out on his own.
While I know telling her will be difficult, I think it would be incredibly selfish to keep the charade going by not ending it. That's just my opinion.
I’m not so sure about having her kids stay with you post breakup. If this were some 4 year thing maybe, but they have been living there all of 4 months. It could be very messy and complicated for everyone. If he asks you, that’s perhaps something to consider but I would not offer.
Now on point #2, that’s a very good point. Yes, ending it may be difficult, but keeping a charade going is both wrong and unfair to both of you, but especially to S. It’s just not fair. It’s disingenuous and that’s not you, Andrew. Be honest and true including true to yourself. Letting her know is the honorable thing to do.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
So very difficult. So many easy to find reasons to not pull the plug.
I now have more sympathy for the leaving spouse.
I am very torn.
Probably time to lock this thread.
Wish me strength, compassion and courage.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Repost from my thread -- I also visited your thread as a result of you visiting mine and realized I had missed quite a few chapters. I don't know about this lady in your life, I wasn't following for a while, but I will say this-- a lot of us ended up in our MLC mess because we thought this was how things were, or that we shouldn't trust our guts. I think we have to start trusting our guts. Hurting someone is painful, and I am very sorry for her if she loves you and will be hurt. But for myself I have found that part of my healing was learning to trust my gut. If I had done that long ago, I would not have married my H to begin with. (I don't regret it exactly, glad for my kids and how this brought me to faith. But I can see that I didn't trust my gut, and that I still struggle to.)
I will say one thing about her son -- when I was a child of divorce, it was the idea that I was expected to bond and then unbond with each guy and his family that really drove me into a rage and a wound. I still struggle with that with my stepfamily and I am almost 50! So I agree with bttrfly. If her S came to trust and care for you, I think you should make it clear to him that you can be an adult he can rely on when he needs it. That can make or break a kid.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
Andrew, I wish you courage, strength and compassion today. It doesn't have to be ugly. It does have to be honest and in integrity with who you are and what you want in your life.
It's ok, and it will be ok.
Have faith. Do the next right thing.
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I can't today. I just can't. Other than when I gave up on my marriage and my wife, I've not faced anything this hard to do before.
Thank you all so very much for your love and support. I do know that this is the right choice for me. While I continue to be confident that this is the right choice, putting it into action is currently beyond me. When S came to bed last night around 2:00 she was on her phone - as is often the case. Was she reading here? I don't know. The odds, while non-zero are low. She seemed very off but that could perhaps be explained by a physically very very difficult day for her.
Thanksgiving dinner was pulled off and was a success. S did pretty much all the work, preparing food for about 20. There were 7 here but serving sizes aren't something that she is good at. The boys were assigned simple tasks like sweeping etc that never got done. I was of course in a weird mood through the day.
Her Dad and I spent a lot of time chatting about politics, business etc. For some reason I usually end up in "old guy corner". Like my former father-in-law and other older men at family gatherings, he was largely ignored as people bustled around. He was very happy to be here and really enjoyed spending time with his offspring, especially his wee great-grandson.
S's daughter helped make up a nice lunch of cold meats, cheese etc. I was up in the office catching up on book-work and staying out of the way when I heard the sound of cutlery and laughter. When I went down, there was no place for me to sit. S said that she thought I was "still outside" - a place I hadn't gone. I went for a walk which is I think when I posted my intention to leave. Not out of anger or grumpiness, but because the decision had gelled that it needed to be made and that I was the one to make it.
We all - other than the boys - went for a nice walk in the afternoon through the park and S and I were hand in hand. I both felt horrible but also connected to her and remembering why and how I do love her. It is possible I suppose to like and love someone but be unable to live with them.
S was so very very happy to be using her grandmother's china for dinner. I don't think it's been something she's been able to do on her own and it's been 10 years I think since her mother passed. I carved the turkey which was weird for me as it is such a massive bird and shaped much differently than a duck. S roasted it belly up vs breast up which I would normally do so there was some confusion there.
The toast was to "family" as you would imagine which made me sad that my own children aren't part of my own Thanksgiving. I still can't think of S's family as "mine". I don't think that S really "gets" it on how I feel.
S13 as is often the case refused to eat pretty much anything and complained loudly and a lot about it and only spent a small amount of time at the table. He did eat a piece of pumpkin pie with whipped cream. The kid is skeletal thin. S18 though has similar issues and said that much of the time he just doesn't think to eat nor want to eat until the pain in his stomach reminds him. Even then he has no hunger. He does eat regularly though but very little and generally only frozen pizza that he makes himself.
I went to bed at about 9:00 - exhausted. I did suggest that I would start working on the dishes the next day and yep - this morning - after I cleaned up the dog do-do from the rug, there was everything pretty much still out including a lot of the food sitting out uncovered. The turkey carcass at least had been covered and put in the fridge. I'm not sure if S is intending to make a stock from it. I'd mentioned that was something I would normally do which struck her as odd. Not sure if that will be my task or not. I'd heard some clattering and voices in the kitchen after I went to bed, but my optimism was mis-placed.
I know that I've made the right choice. I know that S isn't going to fundamentally change who she is. People don't. I suspect that like when I made the choice to terminate my marriage that it will need to be that one big thing that pushes me over the edge. A confirmation of what I already know that is so egregious that there is no turning back and no disputing. Or I need to pull up my big-girl panties and do what is right. As some have rightly suggested, delay does no-one any good.
On towards new horizons. And trying to find bananas. There is a lot of clean-up to be done today and it will be all me. S very much over did it yesterday and I could see her back spasming fairly frequently towards the end of the dinner when she was just passing plates. I don't look badly on her for the state of the kitchen as she would have been physically unable to deal with such an undertaking. As is the case with her, it was something far more ambitious than she is capable of and is incomplete.
Thank you all so very very much for your kindness and support. And hopefully patience as this does indeed drag out. I have at least taken ownership of the matter rather than waiting for others to act. A vitally important step. And I'm indebted to my son for so very clearly and kindly enunciating that to me on Saturday which was indeed the catalyst.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
