Language was undoubtedly developed for one ape to tell another where to find the best bananas. It fails horribly when you attempt to use it to describe the nuances of the intangible.
The story continues.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I do not envy you Andrew. Breaking up with someone is so, so difficult to do. It is even harder when you live with that person and there are kids involved. I’m not sure when or if you will ever be completely ready to do it. I do, however, hope that you don’t wait for a big blow to do it as I think that would be even worse. Better to sit down calmly and explain that you care about her and wanted things to work but you have come to the realization that the situation isn’t working for you and it won’t work for you in the long run given your incompatibilities in terms of how you live your day-to-day lives. My sense is this is a conversation S has had in the past and will not be unfamiliar to her. I also think she will make a fuss about it BUT she is a survivor and she will land on her feet. My advice, though, is that when you do finally tell her, give her a time frame to find a new place and move out. Otherwise you could find yourself with an unwanted roommate for quite some time. As others have said, she has it pretty good at your house. (((HUGS)))
Dig deeper for that courage and know that we are all here for you. Talking to your son may have given you more clarity on the situation than you realize. Please, if you are going to pull the plug, do it sooner rather than later because the upcoming holiday season is fast approaching. S is going to need some time to find a place and move all of her "stuff" from your home...or you can offer to store it until she gets settled in a new place...but this relationship is not good for any of you.
She will not be surprised by your announcement. She's been down this road several times. I still think she's been looking for apartments as a fall back in case you announced that it wasn't working. In fact, her other xhs wouldn't be surprised about this outcome either.
Andrew, stay strong and know that once she and the clan are gone, you can finally get your house back in order, find some peace and do the projects that you have on your list and yes, even be able to sleep better. Who knows, the "girls" may even come to visit again.
It's time to do the right thing for both of you...it's not working.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
or you can offer to store it until she gets settled in a new place.
OMG NO!!!!!!!!! Do NOT offer to store ANYTHING! You do a hoarder no favors by storing their stuff - they just get MORE STUFF. This is how she kept her foot in the door with her exes by leaving stuff there. She managed to cram most of this stuff in her old apartment, she can do it in a new one. Or she can get one of her exes to store it. Or you can throw out whatever she leaves behind! But do NOT become a storage service for another person Andrew - you already have seen how difficult it has been to get rid of your son's young friend's stuff.
And while it's best to place no blame when breaking up, if the subject of storing her stuff with you comes up, just say no. Tell her she's a hoarder and way worse than your ex was, and you won't be enabling that. You can't live with it and you won't enable it. Imagine if an addict asked you to just keep their heroin for them???
You are absolutely right...my bad! Andrew, ignore my suggestion of storing her stuff....it all has to go! Also, be sure that the freezer w/the deceased pets in it go too.
Also, it's time that your son's friend come get the rest of her stuff too. Time to reclaim your home for you.
Andrew, one last thing...please do not allow her to convince you that things will get better. They aren't....look at what you have to face most mornings, i.e., cleaning up dog poop, dirty dishes, etc. It will not get better, trust me.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm just going to be honest here and I'm going to stop apologizing for "piling on" because I have to add something to what job said. I guess I'm just going to take my place as the Negative Nancy in the crowd because I always seem to find more negative to add, but I could not agree more with Job's last paragraph above. You had to get up and clean up dog poop and look at a room destroyed with dirty dishes, food left out, etc. And, you made excuses for her: her bad back would not allow her to do it. Ummmm, I'm sorry she has a bad back, but my husband has a bad back and he gets up every day and goes to work and sandblasts all day. (If you don't know how physical a job that is, google it....) I'm not even going to apologize for sounding harsh here, because THIS is why S has continued to use and manipulate people. She may well have back issues and be in agony, but people who don't live in chaos would muster through cleaning up the kitchen and would have asked for help from D26, sons and whoever else to get it done, even if it meant just putting away or discarding food and preparing dishes to be washed (stacking in or near sink, scraping scraps from them, rinsing). And, even a person with back issues can see and pick up dog poop. She is allowing you to wait on her hand and foot because you do it and you don't fuss to her about it. You may fuss to us, which is fine, but it does absolutely no good. It is time she stopped holding you hostage with her excuses of medical issues.
Oh and kml is right and I see that Job has also agreed. DO NOT OFFER TO STORE OR KEEP ANYTHING. Her crap is NOT your problem. Just like your young friend, whom I'm assuming has still not removed all of her stuff from your house.
(((((((((Andrew)))))))) I know none of this is easy and you have made a very difficult decision and now you have to act on that decision. I wish you courage, strength, compassion, and whatever else you need to rely on to make it through all of this. You already have all those things within you, but I hope that they all show up full force for you when you need them. We are all here to support you through this. If you need to talk, vent, cry, scream, cuss, you know where else to find me. Big love and hugs, my friend...……….
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
I agree with Dawn - even if her back was killing her (and it probably was) what kept her from telling her family "Ok guys, I cooked, I expect you all to do the dishes before you leave"?? Or at the very least enlisting someone to help her put the food away and put the dishes in the sink to soak. It's the lack of thoughtfulness towards YOU that is concerning.
You participated Andrew by hinting you would do the dishes in the morning - STOP DOING THAT! Speak up about what you want and your expectations; "S, please make sure the dishes are done and the food is put away after meals. I hate waking up to a mess in the kitchen in the morning."
I know, some people do leave dishes (a recipe for cockroach infestation btw) but seriously, I don't know any functioning adult over 30 who really thinks this is ok. At least put the food away and rinse or soak the dishes.
And mind you, this is coming from someone who is NOT a perfect housekeeper. CMM would complain that I might leave a plate or glass by the sink during the day, or have a tendency to let clutter accumulate (My gym bag from my car sat in my living room for three days before I remembered to carry it upstairs to my bedroom closet. Mail and books do tend to pile up. I don't mop the kitchen floor or clean the gas stove parts as often as CMM would think is appropriate - I think every two weeks is fine, he thinks they should be done weekly.) This is SO FAR BEYOND just a little messy housekeeping.
Big love and hugs, my friend...……….