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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Week three of recovery is over and I am back at work. Still pretty slow with the courts only just starting to get back into the swing of things. I did get a new client referral, however, that I am thrilled about. A boy that I had worked with at my old job and had to transfer him to someone else. I was worried he would not connect with the new therapist and apparently that is what happened. I talked to his mom yesterday and they are really happy that I am going to be working with him again.

TDH ended up staying until Sunday morning so he was here for six days. He was so great to have around. He made me meals, mowed my lawn, cleaned my kitchen, did laundry and chatted with my MIL like they were old friends (she says he's a "keeper")...SD20 too. My kids were here for one day and he played board games with them and helped my daughter with her sparring techniques (TKD).

I am heading to the mainland this weekend to see him. I will be meeting his mom for the second time and he's got a dinner planned on Saturday to introduce me to some other family members. He checks in with me every day and we've started playing online Scrabble games which is pretty fun. We had a really good talk when he was here visiting. He asked me to go steady...lol. Well...that's my term for it. He said he wants to be clear with me that he is not looking to date anyone else and that he hasn't done the distance thing before but is committed to giving it his best shot. I'm giving it my best too so I guess we'll see how it goes.

So...new topic... I listened to an interview of Esther Perel yesterday who was talking about affairs and why people have them and she said something really powerful that resonated with me...

"When you are attracted by the gaze of another, it isn't just because you want to leave the person you are with. It is because you want to leave the person that you yourself have become. It isn't because you want to meet somebody else but it is that you want to meet another self. There is no greater other than a different version of yourself." When I look at who my XH was and who he is now, I feel like truer words were never spoken.

(((HUGS))) to all!!!

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Glad the new romance is going so well!

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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Thanks KML. It was definitely a strange start but things have really come together and we are enjoying getting to know each other and spending time together. He is refreshingly open and transparent and I feel like there isn't anything I can't talk to him about. He's just a genuinely nice person who is easy to be around.

Further thoughts regarding the interview with EP that I listened to. She talked about the importance of having shared values with your partner and said that there are people who are "raised to be autonomous" and people who are "raised to be connected". I think most of us would say we are a bit of both so this was an interesting thought to contemplate. TDH and I had a discussion about it this afternoon during lunch. We have concluded that we both lean heavily toward the connection side of things. We value relationship and community over independence and seek it out when things get hard. We also both believe that when you are committed to someone, you should do what it takes to work it out with splitting up being the last possible resort (assuming you aren't in an abusive relationship). Both of us come from families with really close relationships - him even more so than me because he has a huge extended family and has many cousins that are as close as his siblings whereas I just mostly had my nuclear family). When I contrast that to XH, it is a big difference. He was not raised with siblings and was a lot younger than his cousins. He is not particularly close to either of his parents. Even though he and his mom have always lived together, the closeness they share is not even close to what I had with my parents. He hides a lot of things from her. Their discussions are mostly at a surface level. I don't think she knows his heart the way my parents knew mine. When he encounters difficulties in life, he is more apt to withdraw and ruminate than he is to seek out the help of others. He told me more than once he is a "private" [secretive] person whereas I am an open book. I wish he and I had had a serious discussion around values before we got married although I suspect, at the time, he would have just told me what I wanted to hear. If I had paid attention to what I observed more than what he told me (knowing what I know now, of course), I think I would have seen a few more red flags. But then again...hindsight is always 20/20 so who knows? Anyway...it was a very interesting interview to say the least.

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Journaling...

Spent last weekend with TDH on the mainland. We spent most of our time doing the “tourist in my own town” thing. Went to a tiny town that I love about an hour’s drive away from his place and perused the shops and the farmer’s market. Bought TDH’s mom a fall flower arrangement to decorate her table at Thanksgiving which TDH says is the one dinner she goes “all out” for. Saturday dinner didn’t happen because his mom had to work so we needed up going out for dinner instead. We finally had dinner with his mom on Monday and she taught me how to play a new card game. I won one and she won one so before I left, she said I had to come back and play the tie breaker. She also invited me to Thanksgiving dinner but I had to decline because I’m doing dinner for my family. Still...nice to be invited.

TDH and I are still doing really well. Every time we spend time together, I notice more things about him that I really love...

1. He makes sure when we are walking down the street that he is on the side of traffic so if a car veered off track, he would be the first one hit.
2. Since my surgery, he insists on carrying my purse because he thinks it is too heavy.
3. His toenails are different colours because his 9 year-old daughter loves to paint nails.
4. Sunday night, at his suggestion, we played a “game’ where we took turns throwing out a random word and talking about a memory or thought that the word triggered. He LOVED that game and we learned a lot about each other’s childhood.
5. He wears his heart on his sleeve and isn’t scared to tell me what he is feeling.
6. He compliments me all the time and notices things about me that other people don’t...or at least never mention.
7. He thinks I’m beautiful and seems oblivious to my physical flaws.

There are lots more but suffice it to say, I’m a happy camper. smile

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Quote
He thinks I’m beautiful and seems oblivious to my physical flaws.


Isn’t that the best?????

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great update DV xoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Thanks Btttrfly. I am trying to keep my head on straight with it all. Feels like I’ve met my match in a lot of ways. TDH is just so open and affectionate. Things started off a bit strangely but ever since our first in-person meeting, everything has gone really, really well. We are both very happy and feel like the distance thing is something we can figure out over time. A 90 minute ferry ride and 30 minute drive is not really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things. We think we can probably see each other at least every two weeks for a two or three days at a time. So we’ll see...one day at a time. smile

KML...It is the BEST!!! I am so confident with him. It is such a great feeling. When we’re together, it’s like no one else exists for him(or me for that matter). He told me recently that when his marriage ended, he told himself he was never going to love anyone again because he didn’t want to get hurt. Then he met me and even though it scares him, he says it is worth the risk. I think so too. So... dating apps are deleted and we are giving it our best shot. Fingers crossed it will all work out in the end.

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happy thanksgiving DV! xo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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Thanks Bttrfly.

Thanksgiving is not turning out the way I would have hoped. Realized this morning that I wasn’t supposed to thaw my pre-stuffed turkey so had to throw it out. Pretty sure I thawed the last one I had so apparently we are lucky we didn’t all get food poisoning from it.

And as if that wasn’t bad enough... S12 is sick. Started with a slight sore throat on Friday, a fever on Saturday and this morning an incessant cough. So...called the CV19 hotline and he has to be tested while everyone else has to self isolate. So no going to work or school or anywhere until we have his test results. The first opening for a test is on Tuesday morning which means we likely won’t know the results until Thursday. They aren’t scheduled to go back to their dad’s until Friday so hopefully the test will be negative and he’ll be able to take them. Of course now I’m feeling “off”. Hoping it is just the power of suggestion and I’m not actually getting sick.

Anyway... Happy Thanksgiving to my fellow Canadians. Hope yours turns out better than mine. smile

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There’s a study out of Spain published the last week of August which confirms what observational studies have suggested - that vitamin D may play a huge role in controlling the severity of Covid. In the study, hospitalized patients were all given standard of care. 60 were also given vitamin d (a rapid acting form that raises vitamin D levels in a day instead of a week). Only 1 out of the 50 had to go to the ICU, and none died. Of 26 controls who didn’t receive the vitamin D, half ended up in the ICU and 2 died.

Bottom line, a large dose of vitamin D right now might lessen the severity of disease. I would also add zinc lozenges, vitamin C, niacinamide and B12.

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