From the reading I've done, for a lot of women, 45+ is when their sexual desire really kicks into overdrive. I've read about mothers who couldn't stand to be around their son's friends because they were so sexually attracted to them.
Steve, I think you mean here that a woman's sexual desirability ratchets up, because if you meant what you exactly said there would no doubt be lots of angry husbands and parents of teen boys.
Originally Posted by Steve85
I've read here that for some women around 50, they get into pornography and it is electric to them! (I saw one source claim the fastest growing segment of porn addiction was late young adult and midlife aged women.
Can I get a perspective on one thing my STBXW did? After 32 years of marriage, as I described in the initial post, she walked out. Classic WAW syndrome. Gone.
She sent me one hand-written letter the day after I was served, explaining things, but it was a rambling letter and actually confused matters, because in one part she said she needed to divorce me but in the other part she said "we need to do this for now" which I assumed meant that our marriage still had hope.
We met twice during the next 2.5 weeks. Then, she cut off all contact and basically refused to talk about anything directly, using her attorney instead.
Would some of you have a perspective why she would cut off even talking? Was that her attorney, saying "he might use anything you say against you in front of the judge"? Was she just trying to put distance between us? Was she afraid that if she talked to me, she would lose the will to move ahead with the divorce?
Anyway, given that there are both WAWs and LBSs on this forum, I could use perspective or your own personal experience. Thanks.
in their case their sex drive goes into hyperdrive in order to snare a man, even past age 50 or 60. Once the vows are taken, however, life returns to normal, and the fellow wonders why she doesn't love him as much anymore. Because a woman's natural state, especially past children and age 40, is not a sex drive in hyperdrive. I've only heard this from others; is it true to an extent, or a stereotype?
I believe there is a lot more to it than that. I believe a mans behavior changes. He does not realize what was turning the woman on. In my case, if I see a decrease, I focus my own behavior, especially in these areas: Romance, Attraction, and Seduction.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
I didn't even get a letter. The one time I got involved in an R talk, I said something like "this all seems so easy for you." She said something like "it's really hard for both of us." We rarely talked about anything other than the kids after that. I'm sure it's a difficult decision for a WAS, but they are convinced they are doing the right thing. No contact just makes it easier for them to deal with what they are doing. So, I think it's less about the attorney and more to help them move forward with their decision.
She sent me one hand-written letter the day after I was served, explaining things, but it was a rambling letter and actually confused matters, because in one part she said she needed to divorce me but in the other part she said "we need to do this for now" which I assumed meant that our marriage still had hope.
Hi Tom, look at her actions, she served you with divorce papers. When I left my ex-wife, I also said "for now". It softened the blow to her of leaving after 10yrs and made her more cooperative.
Originally Posted by tom_h
Was that her attorney, saying "he might use anything you say against you in front of the judge"?
I doubt it. Never had an attorney tell me this, nor did my ex-wife or any girlfriend previously divorced. They did instruct me not to discuss divorce matters with her such as financials, custody, etc.
Originally Posted by tom_h
We met twice during the next 2.5 weeks. Then, she cut off all contact and basically refused to talk about anything directly, using her attorney instead.
Maybe cutting contact makes it easier for her to heal and move on? Maybe she didn't enjoy those two meetings? These are common reasons. I'm not her, though, so they're just guesses.
Originally Posted by tom_h
Was she afraid that if she talked to me, she would lose the will to move ahead with the divorce?
After finding the strength to stay until the kids were in college and then leave--I doubt she views herself as weak in any way, shape, or form. BD1 was when the sex ended. She said she didn't enjoy being talked over, not helping out in the home, and general grumpiness. (You have a list of complaints, too. Most failed marriages are a two-person job!) She stayed another 10yrs. That doesn't sound weak. She's probably not trying to hurt you, she's probably not evil, she's probably just trying to find her happy.
Would some of you have a perspective why she would cut off even talking?
She decided she does not want to talk to you.
Take a look at your past behavior and the way you interacted with her. Has it changed? Should it change?
If she decides to talk to you in the future, will she feel safe? Will she enjoy the conversation? Wil she want to do it again in the future?
R2C, thank you, I can always count on you for an unvarnished perspective. Thanks! Yet, perhaps I'm too emotional about it, I would still like to hear from others, especially former WAWs, who might provide some thoughts.
I didn't even get a letter. The one time I got involved in an R talk, I said something like "this all seems so easy for you." She said something like "it's really hard for both of us." We rarely talked about anything other than the kids after that. I'm sure it's a difficult decision for a WAS, but they are convinced they are doing the right thing. No contact just makes it easier for them to deal with what they are doing. So, I think it's less about the attorney and more to help them move forward with their decision.
Harvey, I think you might be mostly correct here. She had a lot of friends coaching her, I found out later, and no doubt they all told her she needed a few months to get over her own hurt and then she would find she could do quite well without me, thank you.
Was she afraid that if she talked to me, she would lose the will to move ahead with the divorce?
After finding the strength to stay until the kids were in college and then leave--I doubt she views herself as weak in any way, shape, or form. BD1 was when the sex ended. She said she didn't enjoy being talked over, not helping out in the home, and general grumpiness. (You have a list of complaints, too. Most failed marriages are a two-person job!) She stayed another 10yrs. That doesn't sound weak. She's probably not trying to hurt you, she's probably not evil, she's probably just trying to find her happy.
CWarrior, thanks for this. But then perhaps the rest of you can help me get a perspective on her based on the other actions she took within the first month.
I was not working when BD day came, because I had been fighting off some lawsuits (this was part of the household stress, no income combined with lawyer bills). And when she walked out she took the best car, transferred nearly all of the working cash we had in the bank, and had secretly filed taxes on her own so she got the full tax refund within the month. I was in the house, but couldn't write a check for more than a few dollars!
One month to the day after she served me, I received a nasty letter from her attorney threatening me with a restraining order because of my "violent" tendencies. This was a flat-out lie, but the context was she wanted me to move out and then we would proceed with an immediate sale of the house (the only one my kids had ever known, by the way). She knew I had no money to get a lawyer and fight her. My STBXW was always the sweetest woman ever, but somehow in this process the coaching she got, from other divorcees and her attorney, convinced her to do this because now it was war.
The letter almost put me in the ER. I had chest tightness, night sweats, insomnia (couldn't sleep more than an hour at a time) and other related physical reactions to it. I had never raised my voice once to her in 30 years! I had never called her a name or raised a hand in anger, either. In fact, she had done more violence to me, during that final year (when all she could think about was ending the marriage) she had twice thrown the TV remote at me, once hitting me in the cheek and once missing me entirely.
I succeeded at thwarting her wishes by borrowing some assets, getting an attorney, and finally getting some backbone back. But the echoes of what she tried still hurt to this day.
You keep posting variations on this question, and it's not something the board can help you with. You are essentially asking the board to read your ex-wife's mind, and mindreading is A) very often wrong and B) unhealthy.
You might want to research "ambiguous loss" and look for resources to help as you try to create closure.
What are you doing to create a happy, healthy life for yourself?
Me: 44 H: 44 Kids: 20, 16, 16, and 10 Together/Married: 22 years H announced he was emotionally detached and considering D: 4/4/16 H announced he is going to try to stay and reconnect: 5/1/16
