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Ironically that what we are telling you to do. Be mentally strong and respect your Ws wish for space. Be a rock for your children and work on yourself. I really is that simple but most newbies fuch it up because that are not mentally strong.

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LH19

I'm slowly starting to get it. It's been four months and I'm slowly refocusing my attention on myself and the kids instead of her. It's just hard waiting. I know, patience is the key and time is on my side but it is still difficult. I'm starting to GAL more, I have two meetups with male friends tomorrow and another on Monday. Working out like an animal and working on my emotional intelligence. I am wondering if she is noticing any of my changes? Not that I'm doing it for her. I'm just curious as to what she is thinking

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Aren’t we all. I garuntee she is thinking about you but probably not in the ways you want so it doesn’t really matter. I have to tell myself this when my wife plays her games with me too. She had done some more of it yesterday I thought I passed her test but it was a soft-fail. I guess it’s better than a hard fail but yeah. I gotta remind myself to commit to myself. Anything else I do to influence her choices or impression of me is just transparent. Try to tell yourself this too man, it’s hard to not have regrets for what we did but our wives changed the terms of our relationships and only they can change them back (maybe).

Last edited by Steve_; 10/08/20 06:45 PM.

T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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Hey Steve_

Thanks for the message. Yeah, I would agree that she is probably thinking about me but not in a good way. However, I know that she asked me to come for supper with the kids a couple of days ago. Which I did, but I probably should have waited a bit longer according to some of the other vets on the board. So I think her heart may be softening but I'm not for sure. I am going to keep DB'ing and see how the rest of the month goes. I know that it's getting a little easier to focus on myself and not always about her. (It's been a little over three months since the bomb drop) Also, I'm not feeling as emotional and I'm not having these frequent periods of crying like I was.

How are you holding up Steve_

I updated myself with your sich. Hang in there and I''ll do the same

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Originally Posted by TimW10I
am wondering if she is noticing any of my changes? Not that I'm doing it for her. I'm just curious as to what she is thinking

Right now she feels a sense of relief and is excited about her future. She has a sense of hope and optimism that she hasn't really had in along time. Right now she has a lot of expectations of how being single is going to play out. Luckily for you these expectations rarely come to fruition. If you work on yourself and have patience she may look back and realize this was a mistake. This will likely to years to play out.

Can you add a signature like mine?

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Originally Posted by LH19
Originally Posted by TimW10I
am wondering if she is noticing any of my changes? Not that I'm doing it for her. I'm just curious as to what she is thinking

Right now she feels a sense of relief and is excited about her future. She has a sense of hope and optimism that she hasn't really had in along time. Right now she has a lot of expectations of how being single is going to play out. Luckily for you these expectations rarely come to fruition. If you work on yourself and have patience she may look back and realize this was a mistake. This will likely to years to play out.

Can you add a signature like mine?


I want to add, that even if you are having thoughts like this the WAW can sense it. "He is trying to show changes to manipulate me back to the marriage." When you can get to the point where you don't care if she notices or not then you will be in the right frame of mind.

Change for you. If she notices, fine. If not, fine. The fact that you are even wondering if she is noticing makes question your motives. We had a post here a couple of years ago that did EVERYTHING to try to get his WAW to notice him and what he was doing. Last I knew they were D'd because the changes were not real and genuine.


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Thanks LH19. Appreciate the words. Quick update

Wife dropped off the kids last night for an overnight. This is the first time she has seen my new apartment since I was asked to move out August 1. The visit was hot and cold. She stated she was feeling overwhelmed with everything. Specifically about a few things with the lawyer and the new house. She said she is exhausted and is needing a break. She broke down at one point and I validated and provided empathy. She didn't mention the R but I suspect it is on her mind. She was also asking me questions about what I am doing with my time. I just said I have been meeting with friends, working out and reading alot. Anyways, I am wondering if I should try to help out a little bit more with the kids. Maybe take them a few extra days to give her a break? Or am I being too much of a nice guy? Not sure what I should do. I read somewhere online that I should try to help out in a way that makes her life better. Or are they totally off here?

Also, day off today so I am meeting two friends today, going to do some personal growth reading and hopefully work on my music. Something that I haven't touched since the bomb

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Originally Posted by TimW10
Thanks LH19. Appreciate the words. Quick update

Wife dropped off the kids last night for an overnight. This is the first time she has seen my new apartment since I was asked to move out August 1. The visit was hot and cold. She stated she was feeling overwhelmed with everything. Specifically about a few things with the lawyer and the new house. She said she is exhausted and is needing a break. She broke down at one point and I validated and provided empathy. She didn't mention the R but I suspect it is on her mind. She was also asking me questions about what I am doing with my time. I just said I have been meeting with friends, working out and reading alot. Anyways, I am wondering if I should try to help out a little bit more with the kids. Maybe take them a few extra days to give her a break? Or am I being too much of a nice guy? Not sure what I should do. I read somewhere online that I should try to help out in a way that makes her life better. Or are they totally off here?

Also, day off today so I am meeting two friends today, going to do some personal growth reading and hopefully work on my music. Something that I haven't touched since the bomb


If you want to spend more time with your kids, then yes, tell her you want extra days. DO NOT DO IT FOR HER. DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE DOING IT TO GIVE HER A BREAK OR TO HELP HER OUT.

Right now it is not your job to rescue her. She fired you as her H. Do not let her cake eat (IE, let her not treat you like a H but she gets all the benefits of you being her H).

You listen to her and validate. That is it, do not try to help, fix, rescue, etc.

Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy?

Don't remember if there is an OM or a suspected A, but lots of LBSs in your situation end up with the kids while their WS is out living the single life with their AP. Do your part, be the best father you can be, but do not try to fix her problems or enable her to live a single life since she is technically still married, and a mother to boot.


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Thanks Steve85. This makes sense to me. Yes I actually ordered No More Mr. Nice Guy from Amazon and I plan to read it. Through this separation I have realized that I have been a doormat in our relationship and I have probably lost her respect. I also avoid conflict at all costs and I have been emotionally detatched.

There is no proof of a OM. I have checked. We had agreed prior to separating that we were not going to date and focus on ourselves and the kids.

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Originally Posted by TimW10


There is no proof of a OM. I have checked. We had agreed prior to separating that we were not going to date and focus on ourselves and the kids.


Yeah, they all agree to that. They aren't going to say "yeah I plan on going out and sleeping with whomever I want!" Just mentally prepare yourself for the other shoe to drop. 99% of these things result in an OP suddenly appearing.


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