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Originally Posted by Ready2Change
Normally we advise to stay in the marital home as well as the master bedroom. The other person has to do the work. If I recall correctly, the house is not in your name, it is in hers. Correct me if I am wrong. Sorry but sitch do get blurry in my mind. I would seek legal advise about this before making any decisions.



R2C, the home belong to my W and her brother. It was originally her mother's and we sold our home and took this one over when her mother passed away 6 years ago. It was a sound financial decision at the time. So I do not have any rights to it.

I do agree with you. I will not share and as far as the M is concerned it is all or nothing. I am contemplating leaving the MBR tonight. We have always slept wrapped up in each other's arms or some body part touching throughout the night. She hasn't touched me in two weeks. She'll turn towards me in the middle of the night and instead of putting her arm around me, as usual, she will now tuck it under my pillow, as if trying to keep herself from touching me. It is killing me. I literally slept on the edge of the bed last night just to keep myself as far away from her as possible. I need to figure out how to get a good night sleep again.

My only option is the futon in my office (spare bedroom), that is incredibly lumpy and uncomfortable, but I can't stand lying in bed next to her all night and not being touched.

Last edited by Mar252; 10/05/20 09:57 PM.
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Hi Mar,

A couple quick thoughts-- first, definitely talk to a lawyer. You can usually get a free consultation. Someone here suggesting scheduling free consults with the top three divorce lawyers in town, because once they've talked to you, even if you don't end up working with them, your W can't hire them. For me, having those conversations really helped ease a lot of my financial fears around D, and at least let me understand my rights. For instance, even though the house is your W's property as an inheritance, depending on the laws of your state you may very well have rights to half of the equity it gained since her mom passed. In any case, getting a sense of what your finances will look like if you S or D will help. Knowledge is power. If you decide to MO, this way you'll know what you can afford and be in a better position to map out your options.

Second, I can't stress enough how important sleep is, and I feel like figuring out how to get a good night's sleep is a critical first step to helping you figure out your path forward. A few ideas-- if you don't want to leave the MBR, go to bed really early so you can get to sleep before she gets there. Try OTC sleeping pills, a warm bath, melatonin, a glass of wine or 5-HTP (5-HTP has helped me a ton with sleep and also mood.) Tell her you're really uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed as her given what is going on and ask her to move to the office. (Hey, maybe she'll say no, but she's your W and no matter who the house belongs to, she's the one who is having an A and she should have enough respect for you to let you sleep in peace.) Move to the office yourself but go get a foam mattress topper or something to help you sleep a bit better. Go to a hotel for a couple of nights and order room service and take baths and SLEEP.

(((Mar)))


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Mar252 Offline OP
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May,

Thank you for all the practical advice. It was good to hear some sound reasoning. I am just not thinking straight at the moment. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. I did get about 5.5 hours of sleep last
night which is the most I’ve gotten in almost 3 weeks. Just had a cup of tea and feeling a bit better this morning.

Not working today, maybe I’ll get dressed and go get my nails done this afternoon. Need to get my head cleared.

May, again thank you!

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hi Mar,

So glad to be of help... and FWIW, a few more little thoughts (haha I can't help myself!!)

Self-care-- I feel like before all this happened I defined self-care as a spa day-- massage, facial, pedicure kind of thing. Now I'm able to take self-care in the smallest of doses-- take out instead of making dinner if I don't feel like it (extra points to get something I really love that my H doesn't care for because... I'm focusing on myself right now), reading a fluffy beach novel, a playlist of music I love on the stereo, an extra long shower, ten deep breaths with my eyes closed when I start to feel overwhelmed. I know that there are other things that really helped me out earlier in my sitch, like yoga, and for whatever reason right now I haven't been able to get myself to start practicing again. So for now I'm just focusing on the little things and that is OK.

A grief counselor told me once about using tactile comforts when you're really having a hard time-- looking for things that feel, smell, taste good and comforting to you. So when you say you're drinking a cup of tea, I imagine you wrapping your hands around a steaming mug, feeling the warmth in your hands, smelling the tea, sipping it, just concentrating all your senses on the tea. Wrapping yourself up in a fuzzy blanket. Buying your favorite flowers and smelling them. Anything small you can do to feed your soul when things are so crazy and difficult.

I'm so glad you got a bit more sleep last night. Hope it is the start of a trend!!

xx May


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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May,

I am trying with the self care. I have been able to dull my emotions a bit and turn off the constant self talk in my head. Although, I am still tearing up daily whenever a random thought pops appears. Have also been able to get some sleep the past couple of nights. My W continues to be distant. I try not to initiate any conversation. I do respond when she speaks to me. All talks revolve around the house and work. She did ask about my father (cronically ill with Parkinson's) last night for the first time in the past two weeks. I am working on detachment.

I have a doctor's appointment on Oct 29 that I do not want to miss but I am leaning towards leaving afterwards. Will go to my families home. We'll see what happens over the course of the next couple of weeks. Have already started to look at plane tickets. If my W has any love left for me, I don't think it is going to hit her unless I am gone.

I really don't want to be here for Thanksgiving would rather spend it with my family. She is going to have a tough time explaining to her family why I am not here but I'm sure she will just tell them that my dad is not doing well and I had to go see him.

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Forgot to mention, last night my W asked me to take a look at some test results she had received. While I was holding her phone, reading the results, a text message came in from the OW. I calmly handed her the phone back and just walked away. I was very proud of myself.

Last edited by Mar252; 10/07/20 04:09 PM.
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OMG, I think my wife is going through MLC. Just spent a couple of hours reading posts on that thread and it fits her to a tee.


Originally Posted by Smurf_SMR
4. Of course one of the most successful ways to drive them crazy may only be used when you have earned the MLC Black Belt. Go to marriage counselling for months, let them pour out their soul to you and the counsellor and let them believe they are actually accomplishing something. Then arrange things so the spouse finds you in your own home with OP. This will accomplish two things: a. She will finally have to understand how lucky you are to have found your "soul mate" and b. She will be doubly betrayed because she thought you were actually working on the marriage.


Found here - https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=960393&page=1

This quote was especially a 2x4. She invited the OP to our home for a barbecue. I found out about the A later that night while overhearing a telephone conversation between the two. We had been in MC for over a year and sincerely believed we were "accomplishing something"

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Mar, your response on the phone text was perfect. Good job on that one. Sometimes not speaking is the best course of action.

It sounds like you are settled on returning to your home country, and I am glad you have a plan. I think you having a plan is good for you.

I too questioned whether my XW was having a MLC. I read all about it, and at the time it did help me a bit because I found people who felt the same things I felt, and experienced the same process of separation. But just remember - whether or not she is having a MLC doesn't change much. It's just a bit of back story as to some possible "whys", but it doesn't change her mind or actions. So don't it impact any of your decisions - you should move forward in the healthiest way you can identify. I think you are trying to do that.

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Mar, you did great with the phone situation. It must have hurt like heck, but you did the right thing.

I have been wanting to chime in on an earlier post you did where you considered going to your home country. I have often thought that if I didn’t have young children at home, I would have gone on a walkabout or sabbatical or visit overseas friends for a few months and let my head clear and the dust settle in my situation. There is something to be said for just stepping out of the chaos and pain for a period of time. The gift of working from home is that you can take work anywhere right now, so carpe diem. And it allows for some space for you to protect your heart from W’s behavior.

I am one of those people who could not tolerate an IHS; the daily rejection and pain was too much for me to bear. I am barely able to stand this real S we are currently in. So I completely relate to you not wanting to continue living together right now. Maybe leaving for a set period of time could allow you the space to figure out your next move without further emotional damage; but also buy you time from having to make some big decisions (who lives where, splitting of assets etc) under emotional duress.

Your W could be in the midst of an MLC. If so, (and even if not), her A is on her timeline, not yours. So stepping out of the way might allow their flame to burn out faster, or at least for some resolution to unfold quicker than if you are in the picture. Some affairs are attractions of ‘otherness’ and ‘illicitness’; if you take away their shield of secrecy (by removing yourself), it may eliminate the intrigue.

Either way, do what is best for YOU right now. I keep having to tell myself that only I can protect me, H isn’t going to Protect me now, even if he used to in the past.

(((Mar)))

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Yail & Sage,

I really appreciate the support. I do need to take care of myself and probably will buy that plane ticket but my perspective has changed a bit since yesterday. I spent hours reading posts on the MLC thread and it has become clearer that this is what my W is experiencing. She had a hysterectomy 2.5 years ago and I think that was the catalyst. All of her behaviors over the past 2 years align with MLC actions. Then again, I could just be searching for the perfect answer to my ever present "why".

Her behaviors and reactions are a rollercoaster. For example, this morning she was sitting in the kitchen and I went over to her and said, "good morning" and kissed her on the forehead and just walked away. I have been trying my damndest to DB. I went back to the MBR, laid in bed and turned the news on.

10 minutes later she comes and sits on the bed besides me with a very pained look on her face and asks, "what is going on with you". My response, "I'm just trying to figure out how to do this". She starts a R conversation. I tried to validate as mush as possible. The gist of the conversation, she does not want a divorce but knows that our marriage is over. She doesn't know if she could ever give me the things I want, ie love, affection, trust, intimacy, sex, etc. I offered to leave for a while to give her space and she got angry. Told me she wasn't asking me to leave my home. I said I knew she wasn't asking I was offering. She said a couple of more things and I then asked her to tell me what she wanted. Big mistake, she yelled at me "don't ask me what I want". She caught herself and apologized for yelling. But it was the end of the conversation.

She really has no idea what she wants and I think she has a supreme emotional battle raging within. She does realize that something internally is not right but she can't overcome it. She went to a hormone specialist a couple of weeks ago and those were the test results we were looking at the other day. Some of her numbers were way off. I pray it's just some major hormonal imbalance that can be fixed.

I think I need to stay and just be her Lighthouse. I do need to do some serious GAL but difficult with COVID and working from home. My area is talking about a resurgence and considering pulling back on recent openings. Maybe I will do a weekend getaway to my BF out of state. By the way, my BF is the only one that knows about my current sitch.

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