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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2905117#Post2905117

Originally Posted by Wolfman
That was one of my biggest problems. Being alone, everyone said get use to it but I was so fearful. I was having massive panic attacks way back. At first the limerance was great (of course) with my GF, I felt like I found someone, someone who I could love and love me back. But I was so broken and fearful I ignored the warning signs a few months back. My fear and selfishness put me in a real situation now. I just want to work on my relationship with my kids, I need to work on myself and figuring out what I want in life. My divorce made me panic about my life and my future, yet everyone warned me what to do and how to move forward. I let my anxiety control me, I wasn’t in control of my anxiety. Honestly I’m still not, I am a lot better but I still have a long way to go.

Originally Posted by MrBrside


WM, Sorry you are going through this...

But THIS ^^^ is what every LBS spouse who bangs on about dating 3 months after a seperation needs to read / be shown.. Then they need to read and re read.. and reflect on. Its a quick fix, ( at the time ) - but its rarely a fix and leads to these issues further down the line. Its probably not what they want to read, but it is gold - dating while broken equals further issues. !

You hit the nail on the head, with the selfishness - (i'm not having a go, as i'm sure you are beating yourself up enough over this ) - We all know how selfish the WW / WH can be - When kids are involved, LBS needs to focus on themselves and the kids - Not the dating pool etc.. Chances are that the WW is so self absorbed in their own new world, the LBS needs to show the children he / she is there rock, regardless of the WW / WH actions..

You have a lot of work to do wolf - on yourself and on working on proving yourself to the children.







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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2905101#Post2905101

Originally Posted by may22

A couple quick thoughts-- first, definitely talk to a lawyer. You can usually get a free consultation. Someone here suggesting scheduling free consults with the top three divorce lawyers in town, because once they've talked to you, even if you don't end up working with them, your W can't hire them. For me, having those conversations really helped ease a lot of my financial fears around D, and at least let me understand my rights. For instance, even though the house is your W's property as an inheritance, depending on the laws of your state you may very well have rights to half of the equity it gained since her mom passed. In any case, getting a sense of what your finances will look like if you S or D will help. Knowledge is power. If you decide to MO, this way you'll know what you can afford and be in a better position to map out your options.

Second, I can't stress enough how important sleep is, and I feel like figuring out how to get a good night's sleep is a critical first step to helping you figure out your path forward. A few ideas-- if you don't want to leave the MBR, go to bed really early so you can get to sleep before she gets there. Try OTC sleeping pills, a warm bath, melatonin, a glass of wine or 5-HTP (5-HTP has helped me a ton with sleep and also mood.) Tell her you're really uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed as her given what is going on and ask her to move to the office. (Hey, maybe she'll say no, but she's your W and no matter who the house belongs to, she's the one who is having an A and she should have enough respect for you to let you sleep in peace.) Move to the office yourself but go get a foam mattress topper or something to help you sleep a bit better. Go to a hotel for a couple of nights and order room service and take baths and SLEEP.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2905194#Post2905194

Originally Posted by Steve85
It was through IC I learned that 99% of things are not about me at all! So anytime I feel that old feeling of "the world should be this way because that's how I want it" creeping up and have to talk myself down off that ledge. The world doesn't give to shakes about Steve85. And I have to be ok with that!...I was able to forge a new MR with my W. There was no going back to the old one for either of us. IC and MC helped greatly through that.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2905173#Post2905173

Originally Posted by MrBrside
You contribute a lot to this forum, with a lot of good advice.. I really cant believe that you don't see how messed up your situation is - I cant imagine you would encourage a newbe to go through this drama..
Originally Posted by KitCat
I think this is incredibly common ---- when you have NO emotional connection to a situation giving advice and providing support and deep down knowing what the right thing to do is IS ALWAYS easier.

When its matters to you personally your brain gets so wrapped up in what was, the small issues, the future possibilities, the exhaustion of walking away and feeling like it could be different ---- this is the exact reason that medical professionals should not be the primary person involved in emergency/chronic care of loved ones. The reason that law enforcement are not allowed to be involved in cases with strong personal ties. Its so much harder to think completely logically when there are such strong emotional attachments.

Deep down you know all the right answers and what you would advise someone else but its hard for your logical brain to over rule your emotional brain. Hence why many of us make mistakes when we know better.



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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2905305#Post2905305

Originally Posted by sandi2
There's no way we can get everything in a couple of posts, so that's why we tell you not to do anything before running it by the board first.

Here are a few things the WW needs to experience/process in order to fully recover. This is just to give you some idea.
(These are in no special order).

1.) Consequences! And taking a hit with hard, maybe a painful loss of some kind.
2). Realizing the connection between her decisions with the consequences/loss.
3). Accepting responsibility for her decisions...and for every loss, and every hurt she caused those she loves and who loves her.
4). Accepting and dealing with the consequences, without blaming anyone but herself.
5). Making a conscious choice to end her wayward direction and turn around.
6). Seeking guidance and/or spiritual counsel to guide her in how to cleanse her heart of the wrong attitudes, self-centeredness, resentment, rebellion.......whatever she carries that is unhealthy.
7). To be remorseful. If necessary, even seek spiritual help, pray, whatever......to feel remorse for the destruction her decisions and feelings has caused her H. She has to feel true remorse in order to emotionally reconcile and heal properly.
8). To completely forgive her H for everything in the past. To release the blame, anger, and hurt she held throughout their M.
9). To be wiling to do whatever it takes for the MR to heal.
10). To agree and cooperate with the H's choice of transparency plan (accountability), sending a NC letter, having any medical tests, ending any friendships out of his request, (and of course, any contact with OM), place of employment, giving him requested information, attending MC, or anything else the H may request in order to ensure the success of their reconciliation, and the safety of the MR.
11). Accept/agree, without resentment, that she is in no position to give her H any "conditions" to her going back into the MR. And, to accept without resentment, that the greatest level of work in piecing the M back together, must come from her.
12). To accept that it will take time for her healthy emotions to be restored. To realize and accept she cannot measure the success of their progress by her feelings.
13). To be informed, and accept, that she must go through withdrawals from her AP, and could experience depression. She needs to understand this is normal, and not a sign that she will have never have feelings for H.
13). And the hardest one of all.........learn to forgive herself.

Again, don't discuss any of this with her right now. Please ask questions about any of this you don't understand.



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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2905335#Post2905335


Originally Posted by Wolfman
I understand it takes time to change old behaviors, it takes time to learn from our mistakes. It’s hard for us to think we are wrong. I have reflected so much the last 2 years and trying to be a better person. I use to be spiteful and hold grudges, I don’t do that anymore. I am really trying to learn to look at a situation through another persons eyes. I wish I had these smiles before my d, but all I can do is move forward and not look back. This has been a long road to get to this point, I still have a long road to walk to improve and learn more. This board has helped me so much from the validation cheat sheet, to boundaries, to the advice of so many. This board should be required for all marriages. It helps people open their eyes to the work that is needed in a marriage.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2905297#Post2905297

Originally Posted by may22
If I were you, I would absolutely cut any behavior of my own out that could be interpreted as applying pressure. If you aren't sure if it is pressure, then don't do it.

Think about it like this.. you kiss her on the forehead. She doesn't feel what she thinks she is supposed to feel when her W does that (love, affection, etc). Instead, she probably feels guilty and bad for not feeling what she's supposed to feel, and then that sparks an R talk where she states to you she doesn't think she can ever feel the way you want her to feel. Those probably aren't thoughts you want going through her mind at this point. Also, every time she says out loud she doesn't love you like that it reinforces it for her. (Believe me, this is something I have learned the hard way.)

So--- be sure that you aren't doing anything that applies pressure and pushes her further away. No kissing, no hugging, no affectionate touches. No saying ILY. Be cool and detached. Give her space and use the space you've gained to GAL.



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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2905347#Post2905347

Quote
The existence of OM2 has made me question myself all over again - even when OM1 may be out of the picture she's still seeking out others and not me, and people who are drastically different.
Originally Posted by sandi2
It's not the other man #1 or #101. It is her fantasy that keeps her jumping from man to man. Of course she is not seeking you out, b/c she doesn't want that relationship. That's one reason a WW will usually have some OM that is nothing like her H. She wants to escape her old life.


P.S. The WW wants to escape to a new & better life (which usually includes another man). She doesn't want "to work" on herself. In fact, she doesn't want to "work" at anything, especially a relationship. She just wants to feel in love, without any effort whatsoever. Some WW's who leave the H will tell him that she's working on herself.........but it's a lie! Reality = work. Fantasy = play.


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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2905327#Post2905327

Originally Posted by TimW10I
I am wondering if she is noticing any of my changes? Not that I'm doing it for her. I'm just curious as to what she is thinking
Originally Posted by LH19
Right now she feels a sense of relief and is excited about her future. She has a sense of hope and optimism that she hasn't really had in along time. Right now she has a lot of expectations of how being single is going to play out. Luckily for you these expectations rarely come to fruition. If you work on yourself and have patience she may look back and realize this was a mistake. This will likely to years to play out.



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https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2905444#Post2905444

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I am only 40. But I don’t think it’s singledom that ramps up a woman’s sex drive.

It’s who she is with. How that person treats her out of the bedroom.

Get in touch with a woman emotionally, and you will get in touch with her physically


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