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Originally Posted by Mumin

Realizing more and more how much I will miss my kids on the "off"-weeks.
Damn you W for forcing this!


Turn it on its head.. Maxamise the enjoyment you have on the "on week".. Show them you are the best dad in the world - Don't make the mistake so many parents make - So many times i visit places with my kids, to see the dads ( mums are worse actually ) just "there", but not really there - they are on the phone or just sat on a bench , with zero interaction with the children - yet they feel they are being a great dad / ticking a box by taking the kids to the park etc..Thats not good parenting.. Give the children 100% of your time on the on-weeks... they will love it and appriciate it.. Then you will sleep soundly knowing they are 100% happy on the 50% of the time they see you.. Its making the best of a bad situation.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Originally Posted by MrBrside
Originally Posted by Mumin
Realizing more and more how much I will miss my kids on the "off"-weeks.
Damn you W for forcing this!

Turn it on its head.. Maxamise the enjoyment you have on the "on week".. Show them you are the best dad in the world - Don't make the mistake so many parents make - So many times i visit places with my kids, to see the dads ( mums are worse actually ) just "there", but not really there - they are on the phone or just sat on a bench , with zero interaction with the children - yet they feel they are being a great dad / ticking a box by taking the kids to the park etc..Thats not good parenting.. Give the children 100% of your time on the on-weeks... they will love it and appriciate it.. Then you will sleep soundly knowing they are 100% happy on the 50% of the time they see you.. Its making the best of a bad situation.

Mumin - I hear you. That's the biggest part I struggle with right now too, half the children's lives. But MrBrside makes a great point...I took the kids to the pumpkin farm on Saturday and on a hike in the Fall foliage on Sunday and we had a great time. It's harder without a partner to help but also more engaging. Just love them and give them the best of you!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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MrB, BL thanks for you posts! Encouraging!
I REALLY REALLY enjoy my time with the kids. This past weekend we bought 4 new books and just sat down together in the sofa. We baked cinnamon buns together and jsut had a great time!
Will pick them up early today.
Qutie early on in parenting I started a little "chant" with my oldest and have applied it more now.

Me: "What is it you can do?"
D "Anything!"
Me "So what is it you need to do?"
D: "Try it and Fight for it!"



So update:
This morning W signed the papers. (Financials)
I actually dont know exactly what happens now but feels a bit strange.
Need to keep moving.
I have been looking at a trip with the kids but not sure I can afford it now. So many small expenses around the physical split.
Planning to visit my parents this weekend but W's boss might have corona (has tested but not got results) and if he does I probably shouldnt go...


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Originally Posted by Mumin
We baked cinnamon buns together and jsut had a great time!


Thats another one - should have added that to Wolfmans post.. Baking and cooking are great ways to interact with the children.. Fresh Pizza from raw ingredients is another one.... Throw a flour fight into the mix, and the kids are in heaven - its then us spending 2 hours after they are asleep wiping up flour dust smile

Another one my children love is conker picking at this time of year - they spend hours trying to compete finding the biggest conker..

Quality time doesnt need to be showering them with toys or spending £1000s on them every month.. Simple pleasures create great memories just as much as a £10000 trip to disney land.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Good tips MRB!
Might bake a pizza tomorrow.

I guess I should add that I have started texting a girl on a dating app.
She is well aware of my situation and just said "I can handle it".
She seems fun but not sure shes my type and I am not looking for anything serious (which Im not sure she is aware of).
I think its Ovr who talks about getting mojo back and I can feel I really need it.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
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You sound good overall Mumin, I'm glad to hear it. I'm probably going to do the same as you once the D is completed. I know its ill advised by some but after all were going through, something short term seems like it would work wonders.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
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Originally Posted by Mumin


I guess I should add that I have started texting a girl on a dating app.
She is well aware of my situation and just said "I can handle it".
She seems fun but not sure shes my type and I am not looking for anything serious (which Im not sure she is aware of).
I think its Ovr who talks about getting mojo back and I can feel I really need it.


Mr Brightside bangs his head against a brick wall ...

Originally Posted by Mumin
I think its Ovr who talks about getting mojo back and I can feel I really need it.


So to get your Mojo back you need to start dating

WTF ?

Read back over the past 2 months of posts - You are up, down and sideways with emotion...

Over the past few weeks you are seeing things a lot clearer ( as you probably realise things are now final and accepting them ) - And your next move is to join a dating app..

Seriously

You still have a lot of work to do on you !

Originally Posted by Mumin
She is well aware of my situation and just said "I can handle it".


Broken people ATTRACT broken people..

Most rational people would say "hmmm, it sounds like you really need to sort yourself out "

Originally Posted by Mumin
but not sure shes my type


So why waste time on her then...

Priorities = wrong

Priorities should be Kids, Kids, Kids - and when not with the kids - self improvement - work on you.. Work on being alone and content with being alone.. Your mentality is - dont want to be lonely - dating app equals quick fix..


I have posted more times than i can count about broken people dating - especially with kids involved.. I reckon it falls on deaf ears 90% of the time, as they "ego / dopamine hit" sends rational out of the window..

Here is a good example of the consequences - and im sure Wolfman was one of many who thought dating was fine.. until all the brokeness and consquences hit home !

Originally Posted by Wolfman
That was one of my biggest problems. Being alone, everyone said get use to it but I was so fearful. I was having massive panic attacks way back. At first the limerance was great (of course) with my GF, I felt like I found someone, someone who I could love and love me back. But I was so broken and fearful I ignored the warning signs a few months back. My fear and selfishness put me in a real situation now. I just want to work on my relationship with my kids, I need to work on myself and figuring out what I want in life. My divorce made me panic about my life and my future, yet everyone warned me what to do and how to move forward. I let my anxiety control me, I wasn’t in control of my anxiety. Honestly I’m still not, I am a lot better but I still have a long way to go.


Serious food for thought Mummin


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Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Mummin dating is not going to solve anything. Take it from me. Don’t get me wrong it feels great at first, but it’s a false feeling. Because all you are doing is filling the holes in your broken life. You will make bad decisions because you are broken. Trust me I didn’t think I was, and that I was ready to date. When I started to date my GF I ignored the warning signs. Why? Because I was afraid to be alone, afraid that how couldn’t I find another partner right away. Our egos took a huge hit with D give it time to heal. I am speaking from experience, I put myself in a huge hole and someone else because I wasn’t ready. Mummin talk to me about your true feelings and I will help because I know what you are feeling.
Oh by the way I like the idea of cooking together. I will try that with my son.


M:42 XW:41
T:19 M: 15
D:13 S:10
BD: 8/10/18
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Moved in: 9/18/18
Moved out: 4/22/19
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Thanks a lot for posting MrB and Wolfman!
Quote
Read back over the past 2 months of posts - You are up, down and sideways with emotion...

You still have a lot of work to do on you !


This is very true. Today was actually a bit of a rough day.

Quote
Priorities should be Kids, Kids, Kids - and when not with the kids - self improvement - work on you.. Work on being alone and content with being alone..

This is even more true and important!

Wolfman you example is very strong for me. I am really sorry about where you find yourself.
I too need to manage my anxiety. Especially on a day like today.

I have eased the communication with this girl and the intention was never really to date.
I DO believe I need to start interacting more in general with women though.
NMMNG and even DB suggests this.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Another thing brewing here (apart form loneliness) is of course sex.
How have others handled your sexuality?
I watch a lot less porn now but I sort of feel I will eventually need to reassess my sexuality.
What drives me and why? Is there anything I need to work on? Or try?
Sometimes celibacy just seems easier... Now it all just makes me anxious and insecure.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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