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When he spoke of suicide and said the kids would be better off without him and all that, I didn't expect him to just disappear for days. I am wondering if he decided that was still true and is just disappearing for a while.

Last edited by rachel75; 10/05/20 07:46 PM.
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You are dealing with a lot right now. Compartmentalizing things helps.

1) Suicide speak - Take him at his word. Call a suicide helpline for guidance on how you should deal with this.

2) Parenting responsibilities (as long as you feel it is safe for him to be around the kids) Set boundaries.

This is not a full boundary, but a start:

text him:
"When you say you will be here at 7:00AM to pick up the kids and do not show up (or notify me that you can't), It is frustrating. I believe it is important that we both spend quality time with the children. In the future I expect (Whatever parenting exchange behavior you want to see such as amble notification so you can make other arrangements).

3) Money - Do not ignore. seek legal advise. Set boundaries here as well.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Thank you. I will be sending him a text regarding childcare issues. As far as money goes, how does one set boundaries when the WAS is the primary breadwinner? I make some each month but most of it is his earned income while I stay home with the kids and homeschool.

I have spoken to a lawyer but all he said was if H changed his direct deposit, contact him and they will proceed with legal action.

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Finally heard from H today. He was very abrasive at first but finally started to speak more respectfully. Said he is going to start taking the kids to stay with him at OW's apartment. Said he will be in the kids lives all the time, blah blah blah. THis past week was the 4th or 5th time he disappeared from contact for several days and didnt speak to them. He also said he is filing for D. All the same things he has said time and time again. We'll see if he sticks to it.

He said if they go stay with him, he and OW will simply act as roommates.

He also said he wants to see a divorce counselor with me to discuss things such as communication, custody, money. I told him to make an appt if that is what he wants. Any input here is welcome.

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Originally Posted by rachel75
He also said he wants to see a divorce counselor with me to discuss things such as communication, custody, money. I told him to make an appt if that is what he wants. Any input here is welcome.
This is good.

Do some research on your own and find 3 that look good to you. Send him the contact info and ask him to pick one.

This is the pattern I learned from my lawyers. Find 3, let the other pick. If they don't like any of the choices, they find 3. you pick.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Thanks I will do that.

H has consistently had this idea running in his head that I am a terrible mother, etc especially bc what happened last week when I lost it. Nevermind his disappearances. But today he actually told me that something I did really showed him that I do in fact have the kids' best interest at heart and that I have been demonstrating that during separation. he apologized for saying otherwise and said he is going to fix his attitude toward me and be civil. No idea if this is all BS but it was good to hear.

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To be honest Rachel he is all over the place and driven by his emotions.

I dont know whats right but i have taken this approach, he wants to divorce, thats fine, file and pay for it. You want to sell the house, great get it valued and lets put it on the market. It doesnt mean that im doing nothing in terms of making sure in financially secure and knowing what i can afford in terms of buying a house of buying a house of my own, but he needs to go and do what he wants to. He suggested that we sit down together and look at properties, he said that we can do divorce papers together. Not happening for me, this isnt amicable, i do not want a divorce, so if he need to go and do it. Needless to say its been over 6 months....which is typical apparently with WAS.
I have heard the bit about terrible mother and how i suppress the kids and how happy they are when they are with him...and then i had txt messages telling me what a brilliant mum i am.
Rachel you need to do and you are doing what Is best for kids and you and that is keeping it together and being their stability.
Money is tricky, but we have separated our accounts, And agreed on an amount H gives me a every months.
This way i dont have to see his spending, its no longer my problem. If you have any savings i would speak to L about this, as you wouldnt want to find that he has spent it all.

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Gigi,
Thankfully the savings is only in my name so he doesn't have access to it. He wants to talk about a # he gives me monthly for bills and the kids and I will cover the rest. I was told by a couple of people to get a lawyer to help with this but if we can work out a number and get it in writing, I would prefer to not shell out a few thousand right now for a lawyer. So that has worked well for you guys-him giving you an allotted amount each month? It would be a relief to not worry about what he is doing with the rest of the money.

Today we had a conversation and he randomly said, "I really wish we could have figured out a way to get along and stay together." I said, "Yeah, I wish we got help and did that. But we didn't and we don't. He asked me, "So you really wouldn't be interested in trying?" I said, "No, at this point in time no."

Whenever we had issues in the past (including affairs), I was always there for him to fall back on. ALWAYS begging him to come back, etc. But we never put in the real work to fix our issues so here we are again. He would have to do a hell of a lot for me to even consider coming back and I don't even know if then I would want him. Should I have specified that-that there is a possibility under a lot of conditions? I think my answer was good because I made it clear I would NOT be his plan b, but a friend told me I need to let him know if I do want to save the marriage. She said dont give him specifics on what he needs to do, but that he does need to know.

Anyway, thank you for reading and sorry if my posts are getting annoying. smile Just want to make sure I handle things correctly and my head is not always very clear.

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[quote=Gigi123]
I have heard the bit about terrible mother and how i suppress the kids and how happy they are when they are with him...and then i had txt messages telling me what a brilliant mum i am.
Rachel you need to do and you are doing what Is best for kids and you and that is keeping it together and being their stability.


They are all so wishy washy smirk Thanks for your encouragement.

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You can read your states statutes on divorce. My state has a worksheet that calculates child support. I assume your state does as well. Might be a good place to start to understand approximately how much $ each month would be reasonable.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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