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kml #2904716 09/29/20 12:12 PM
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Interesting and important thread going on here. A good number of us are of "an age" where thinking of this sort of stuff is important. Sharing ideas and plans is helpful.

My plan for many many years - going back to even when I was married was to pay the house off and live in it a long a we could. This is a big place that needs a lot of on-going care. Given the right buyer we could get quite a bit for it. 4 bedrooms, 9 1/2' high ceilings, red oak wood-work, 1/4 acre of land in the middle of the village, commercial zoning.

The reality - as explained to me by a real-estate agent friend - is that the ideal buyer would be a young family with a bucket full of kids who are ok with doing a lot of handy-man sort of work on a regular basis in exchange for a big back yard and some elbow room. They would pay roughly 1/2 of what someone looking for what one friend of mine described as a "museum house".

One thing that has happened in this area is that there is a "lot" of one/two bedroom single story rentals townhouses being built. They are literally sprouting up everywhere. There's 4 of them going in around the corner in fact. Because of my ex-wife's growing mobility problems it was an ideal solution for us when down-sizing. The plan is still to take the money out of the house and turn it into a form of annuity to cover rent for probably about 10 years. If I stay here until I'm in my early 70s (reasonable I think) then that puts me as living independently still into my 80s essentially rent free.

Looking at a legacy for my kids is one thing but they don't expect anything, don't really need anything from me. And also like many of us, I would expect that there's nothing they would get from their mother and I don't include anything from there in any of my calculations.

I laugh whenever we have the pension meetings at work and they make the case for leaving a legacy for the kids in the case of an early demise. I have no plans on being dead and plan based on that assumption laugh


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But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
kml #2904730 09/29/20 02:42 PM
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In this time of Covid I don’t feel like any of us can make that assumption. Longevity runs on both sides of my family but lasting effects from a Covid infection could change that.

Also, here in the States, the financial outlook for my kids is different than for yours (my kids, for instance, could never afford rent on a factory job like your son does). My middle son, who has a social work degree and is independently employed, will soon have to buy an individual health insurance policy that will likely cost about $1200 a month (lesser coverage is not an option because he has multiple serious health issues). My Aspie son and my youngest suffer from crippling anxiety. Not all of this is attributable to the divorce, but all of it was significantly worsened by the divorce and my ex’s behavior since.

Given that my kids do not have the advantages of good physical and mental health that got me where I am, I want to do what I can to make sure they don’t fall on hard times once I’m gone. I’m not talking about wealth, just a home and not worrying about putting food on the table, and being able to retire in their old age.

I don’t come from a family where anybody inherits anything (although my mom with her sudden death, god bless her, left about $25 k to each of her kids - money that was planned to pay for the rest of her life). If my ex and I were still together we would probably be helping the kids to buy their own homes.

I guess safety and stability is what I’d like for my kids. It’s not all within my power but I’d like to do what I can. Fortunately I enjoy my work and I’m in pretty good health so this doesn’t feel like a hardship. I’m also good with money so if I can work a few more years and pay off my house, I’d be able to live on less than my retirement income would allow, and increase my nest egg (and their inheritance). I’m not talking about suffering - my budget would still include travel! But I’m good at controlling the little meaningless expenses that add up.

kml #2904861 10/01/20 05:46 PM
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CMM starts his radiation therapy for the metastasis in his humerus today. There's significant concern that he could fracture that arm (which will be weak at the point where the tumor is), and because of the tumor, it would not likely heal and could require surgery with rods etc. So no heavy lifting etc for him.

After he finishes radiation therapy he will go right back onto chemo. Hoping that it will still work for him and the cancer has not become resistant.

His lung cancer has a KRAS mutation but unfortunately I found it's not the specific KRAS mutation that is the target of a new medication in clinical trials, so that's not an option.

This might be the start of a downward slide but you never know - I thought the same thing in January and instead he had a good response. I do need to get him to start writing some letters or making some videos for his daughters, though. Even though they're not in touch, I would like to be able to give them something after he dies if they are open to it, it might at least give them some closure.

kml #2904866 10/01/20 06:55 PM
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Good luck to CMM for a trouble free treatment.

My own point of view is that closure isn't always a good thing to push through for. I never got any closure from my ex-wife for example or from my own mother who I was estranged from at the time of her passing (long story). And at this point in my life, I'm fine with that. There are perhaps thing that they could explain that would shed light on the events of the past but then again perhaps not.

What you may want to do instead - and this sounds a bit morbid - is do up something like what was done for my mother after she died but would have been more profound if done before. A retrospective. Vignettes, photos, stories - written or recorded that show the sort of person who CMM is. Where he finds his Joy. What makes him thoughtful. How silly he looks laying on his back and scrubbing the inside top of the stove perhaps. Moments that were important to him like perhaps the births of his daughters or the first time he cleaned the bathroom after they were playing in a mud-puddle smile

Then, that is something his daughters could perhaps access without any pressure and it could be something for those who care deeply for him to have as a remembrance. He may well be in favour of that if presented that way.

Just my 2 cents.


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D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
kml #2904869 10/01/20 08:29 PM
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I feel like, their father has allowed this estrangement to continue in a way that might make them feel he didn't care about them - and at this point they probably wouldn't accept an effort from him since he has been so distant (he did not originate the estrangement, but also didn't put forth the persistent effort I would expect from a parent to repair that - kids can push you away but you as the parent should keep trying). But if they had regrets after his death, I thought perhaps something from him expressing his care might be helpful.

I certainly want him to write down his family stories so the girls can know their history - since they were teens/college when the rift happened, they probably had not absorbed some of the information about his parents/grandparents/family history that they might want to know in the future. And I can certainly put together a youtube memorial reel and send them a link so that if they choose, they can see some pictures of their dad's last years. They might not be interested but if they felt any guilt it might comfort them to see he was well cared for.

I also have genetic information that they might want to have, since we have sequenced CMMs genome. And I can summarize his medical history should they ever need that info.

There won't be any money for there to be a fight over, and I will have him put any mementos in a box that I could give them if they wanted them.

For those wondering, the estrangement came about when the marriage blew up - to hear him tell it, alcoholic wife falsely called the cops on him and he had to be the one to leave, after he had been trying to keep it together for the remaining teen at home. I don't have any reason to doubt his story, but who knows what the girls believe. And unfortunately, 6 mos after they split, he suffered a serious knee injury at work that sidelined him for a year, and resulted in everybody pretty much losing the nice lifestyle his income had provided (wife didn't work and never really had done much work). He did return to work after a year but never regained the good jobs like he had before (age discrimination, changes in the business environment, etc.) I'm sure the girls resent the change from indulgent suburban daddy to absent broke father. They might also resent him leaving them to deal with their alcoholic mom, I don't know. I suspect he was also rather difficult as a dad when they were teens, as he was strict about who they could date etc. He can be difficult with his OCPD.

It's a shame because when they were younger he seemed to have a close relationship with them, if photos are to be believed - they golfed together, he took them to all their sports games etc., he has many childhood mementos from the girls. That's why I would like to have something to give them when he dies. Anything else isn't really my business.

kml #2904870 10/01/20 10:26 PM
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I think it speaks to your big heart that this is important to you KML. CMM is really lucky to have you to help navigate this stage of his life. I hope he tells you this on the daily. I hope his daughters are receptive to the information you have for them when the time comes.

Hard to know what the truth of anyone's marriage is. I have found that it is usually somewhere in the middle and that both parties have a part to play in the early stages when things started to deteriorate. There is usually some truth to both perspectives although some behaviours are more honourable than others (ie. trying to work things out versus bailing by way of an OP).

kml #2904871 10/01/20 10:47 PM
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I suspect his OCPD and her drinking/possible personality issues as well contributed. She seems to have been happy to be a stay at home mom but let him do a lot of the work. (Maybe that was the alcohol, maybe it was her personality). He's a difficult person because of his OCPD and maybe that's why she drank, who knows? He used to take the girls on a summer vacation to Hawaii every year and after the first year, she stayed home - was that because she didn't want to spend that much time with her husband, or needed the break from being mom, or couldn't hide her drinking on vacation? I don't know but it seems weird. Apparently his friends did try to talk him out of marrying her. They saw something he didn't.

He held onto a grudge about some statement she made when their first daughter was born, maybe he poisoned the relationship from then on? (Something about her being upset or insulted when people asked questions about her black baby - well, sure, my white friend with a black husband used to get mad at people assuming she was babysitting or had adopted her boys - but it wasn't any kind of knock on her husband, she just wanted to be recognized as their parent too. It's possible CMM took something innocent like that the wrong way and held onto it to the detriment of his marriage. )

He to his credit tried to hold the marriage and the family home together until the youngest graduated high school. His wife might have been drunk or abusive, or she just might have been fed up with him and his OCPD (Although he did admit she would drink a whole bottle of wine during the day. He seemed more upset that she drank CHEAP wine than that she was day drinking! He's a wine aficionado and about had a conniption the other day when my son and I drank a bottle of Beaujolais that was past its prime lol).

Anyway - water under the bridge and not my circus or my monkeys - I'm sure there was fault on both sides, and no evidence of cheating on either side.

kml #2905102 10/06/20 12:29 AM
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Quiet weekend, CMM started his radiation treatments to his arm on Thursday, he'll have to weeks of radiation then start back on chemo. I have to keep telling him not to lift stuff or put too much pressure on that arm, as it could easily break with that tumor there and that would be a mess to fix.

I did a bunch of filing and sorting through papers on Sunday and although that's not very exciting, it does feel good to have everything in its place and two bags of trash out of the bedroom! It was too hot out to do much else. I shopped at Costco and am incrementally trying to get more organizing done at home - some things that have just been let go a bit since CMM had all those medical emergencies this spring, and some things that just need a deep redo. (My closet for one - I'm rethinking storing my drum kits in there, I'm not practicing in there for a variety of reasons, I'm thinking of just letting the front living room be a music studio instead as it would likely get more use. ) I've been watching a too few many reorganizing shows lately, I'm getting motivated!

I'm trying to get the last stuff out of the storage unit (which was CMM's but ended up with a couple of my things too that really need to be given away). It was too hot to go out there last weekend but next weekend is suposed to be cooler, then we can get it emptied out and be done with it. (Storage units are the dumbest things ever, you never have enough things of value in them to make sense of the cost, but when CMM first moved in with me there wasn't enough room in my garage for his excess stuff and frankly, I wanted him to keep his kitchenware etc until I was sure I wasn't going to boot him back out .) I've made some more room in the garage and he's committed to reducing his stuff to fit in that space although he has a hard time letting go of some things. (Old VHS tapes, a box of National Geographics that he somehow thinks can find a better home than Goodwill)

I've also ordered a device that will help me with a BIG organizing project I want to tackle before Xmas. I have a large number of home movies from when the kids were little that are on VHS tapes and need to be transferred to digital format. So many that it would be REALLY expensive to take them to Costco or somewhere to be transferred, but if I'm willing to put in the time, I can do it myself with a little device from Amazon and save probably over a thousand dollars. (This assumes it will work with my computer - according to the reviews, sometimes it works with Windows 10 no problem, and sometimes it won't - worst case scenario, if it won't work with any of the several Windows computers I have access to, my son can do it with his Apple laptop). I want to give the digitized versions to the kids for Xmas (I think the happy memories within will be good for them too) and will even give them a copy to give to their father for Xmas (from "them:" not me!).It will be many hours of "work" but it's something that can just run in the background while I'm doing other things, and it needs to be done. I can also engage the kids in working on it although I need to make sure they still remember how to work with VHS tapes in the VCR without messing them up!

kml #2905110 10/06/20 12:44 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
Storage units are the dumbest things ever, you never have enough things of value in them to make sense of the cost, but when CMM first moved in with me there wasn't enough room in my garage for his excess stuff and frankly, I wanted him to keep his kitchenware etc until I was sure I wasn't going to boot him back out .
LOL - I can certainly sing harmony to that song. It's amazing how much the charge is for storage units. I've looked into them from time to time. They cost roughly the same per month as one of those tarp covered sheds do to buy. You do get a fairly secure dry area assuming the roof doesn't leak.

Originally Posted by kml
I've also ordered a device that will help me with a BIG organizing project I want to tackle before Xmas.
One of the things that I'm glad that I did was to make digital copies of all the pictures around the house before my ex left. The idea that you need to have a gadget with spinny things to review media is so very last millennia. It also allowed me to give the kids copies too. My ex had access to the cloud storage where they were stored but I think never made a copy before I shut that down.

I don't know about you, but other than a couple of times including right in the worst of in-house separation, I never went through the old photo albums but I do occasionally browse through the digital files. One of the things that I also did that you may want to consider is that since I don't trust backups nor "the cloud", whenever I would go and visit my daughter I would take her copies of all my digital files including things like my financial documents and she would store it on her computer and backups. That way if something were to happen to me / the house / the computers there is a backup.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
kml #2905122 10/06/20 04:12 PM
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Good idea about the backup - since I will send a copy through the kids to their dad, there will be backup of the videos there as well as at middle son's house.

I suspect I'll have some video of my mom doing grandma duties in there too, that's make a nice surprise for my siblings and nieces and nephews if I put together a grandma reel. Everyone is missing her a lot.

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