I got the I love you but am not in love with you anymore. After 21 years together she emphatically said that she doesn't want our marriage anymore. Wants us to definitively separate. So now, I have a decision to make, begin living separate lives in the same home or just get my affairs in order and leave.
Its like an awful script for them and a horrible reaction for the LBS. We all follow these patterns.
Originally Posted by Mar252
I love my W with all of my heart and soul but I am done begging her to love me back. I really don't think the consequences of her actions are going to hit her unless I leave. I think she will feel it most acutely during the holidays.
She may and please be prepared that she may not. You want the consequences to hit her... many of us want justice and the WW to come to their senses. Please just make sure the thinking doesnt take you down the dark path of vengence
Originally Posted by Mar252
To all the LBS, if you had the option to stay or go when you first had your BD's what would you have done? I am open to all advice and opinions.
I've heard it both ways. Those that got the BD and had their spouse leave instantly thought it was god awful and wanted more time. Those that had more time and lived together like myself have the god awful IHS and the lovely time of watching your relationship die and your own love wither. I personally think my best chance for my M wouldve been to move out or move on right away but I have zero way to determine that. Living in the same house and talking about D and separating stuff then sitting together for dinner and playing with the kids together hurts like sitting 4 inches away from a fire. M have healed both ways and many have ended. That leaves us with....what is best for you?
Last edited by Core; 10/04/2003:56 PM.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I've heard it both ways. Those that got the BD and had their spouse leave instantly thought it was god awful and wanted more time. Those that had more time and lived together like myself have the god awful IHS and the lovely time of watching your relationship die and your own love wither. I personally think my best chance for my M wouldve been to move out or move on right away but I have zero way to determine that. Living in the same house and talking about D and separating stuff then sitting together for dinner and playing with the kids together hurts like sitting 4 inches away from a fire. M have healed both ways and many have ended. That leaves us with....what is best for you?
Core, for the past two weeks she has been incredibly distant and still wants to sit and have dinner together. It hurts like hell and I do not believe that I can emotionally handle being in this limbo. She keeps saying that we need to rebuild a friendship. Nothing about rebuilding our M. I think you were the one that commented about not understanding the need for Lesbians to remain friends after the end of their relationships, I think this is what she is hoping for.
I can't do it. I've read several posts on here about the emotional torture the LBS goes through during this limbo phase. I do not want to subject myself to that. But how do I muster the strength to walk away when it is the last thing in the world that I want.
I am a LBS living with IHS. My H lives in our D25 bedroom, and now that she has moved back, she lives in the living room. H gave me the first BD last May 2019 and within a week, left to work out of the country for 3 months. At that time, our D was still at Grad school, so I really had a mini S. During that time he was gone, I discovered OW and H and I did not have any communication at all. I joined a gym and did my own thing with my friends.
Once he returned, it was like the BD just happened. We had to learn to navigate being in the same home, I had gotten used to it being just me and I am sure he got used to living like a teen on vacation for 3 months. He left for "work" at Thanksgiving and New Years. Christmas he stayed and was very nice to my family. I could tell his trip in January was a last ditch effort to try and continue with the OW.
He has since gotten another OW in the other country and this past July he said he wants a D and wants me to stay in the home. That was July. It is now October. There has been no further movement one way or another. Limbo has been hard. Weekends are the worst with the pandemic. Where I would usually head to a Dodger game with my friends or plan some concerts, I am at home. I honestly don't know how it would be if he did leave. I think part of that is that he hangs out here in the home when not at work for 85% of the time. He seems to leave to eat and visit his uncle or walk with his friends.
But how do I muster the strength to walk away when it is the last thing in the world that I want. [/quote] [quote=Mar252]
I hope I am quoting this passage correctly. Just muster enough to get through each day. That's all the energy you need. Go to work if you work, make plans to do what you have wanted to. Cook what you want, whatever it is, do it for you. I have told myself, if H found OW here and was out all night I might be more inclined to ask him to leave. If that is your situation, then think about the boundaries you will not cross.
It is weird, but being "alone" in the home (since he lives in another room most days) I have a new little routine for me. I actually have more time for me and I am learning things for ME. Although, there is much I would like to share with H, I have learned to enjoy it just me. If we get to R one day, i will have a lot to share!
It can be hard, but as others have pointed out here, we are given time. Use it wisely.
Core, for the past two weeks she has been incredibly distant and still wants to sit and have dinner together. It hurts like hell and I do not believe that I can emotionally handle being in this limbo. She keeps saying that we need to rebuild a friendship. Nothing about rebuilding our M. I think you were the one that commented about not understanding the need for Lesbians to remain friends after the end of their relationships, I think this is what she is hoping for.
As a kid, I imagined hell as burning fire. If there is a hell, its probably more like the emotional hell you, I and the others go through in our sitches. The saying goes something like the WW wants their cake and to eat it too. They are living in fantasy. You may know this already and it hurts to hear and it hurts to tell you that she has a Plan A (OW). She wants to hang on to Plan B (you) just in case. You will be strung along, chasing breadcrumbs. Now no matter what, you want to be Plan A, for yourself. Whether she ever comes around or not, become Plan A for yourself.
Originally Posted by Mar252
I can't do it. I've read several posts on here about the emotional torture the LBS goes through during this limbo phase. I do not want to subject myself to that. But how do I muster the strength to walk away when it is the last thing in the world that I want.
Imagine you're in the military, alone in the woods, surrounded by opposing forces. Do you want to be captured and tortured? Will you fight your way out, escape or call in for support? You don't know it but you have the strength. It may be hard to find. Don't do it alone, get support. Here, IC, one or two close contacts. You can escape the woods with support. Maybe the opposition surrenders.
This may very likely be the hardest thing you ever do. Dont do it alone. We'll stretch you here if youre willing to face your feelings and yourself.
As an internet stranger, I care about you getting through this and becoming stronger, I'm sure those close to you want that even more. Feel the pain, feel the fear, talk through it, know youre not alone and persevere.
H37, W37 D4, S2 ILYBNILWY 9/19 BD 9/19 EA discovered 10/19 Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
I just posted this on another thread - Primarily, I am certain that I do not want to be separated from my wife and remain in the same household. I can't and won't be able to emotionally handle it. I am at the stage where I am crying daily. Have had some serious breakdowns in the shower and barely sleep. The lack of sleep is beginning to effect me physically. In my head, I've given myself a month to get my affairs in order and move out. I know I do not want to be here for Thanksgiving. Her brother had a baby 8 months ago and lives in another country. His wife is coming to spend Thanksgiving with us so that we can meet the baby for the first time. We have been looking forward to this for a couple of months now. Holidays have always been a huge family event. I can't sit here and pretend .
My W and I had a huge blowup yesterday and like so many others on here, I got the I love you but am not in love with you anymore. After 21 years together she emphatically said that she doesn't want our marriage anymore. Wants us to definitively separate. So now, I have a decision to make, begin living separate lives in the same home or just get my affairs in order and leave.
Your wife is all over the place. One week she wants to not separate. The next week she does. Unfortunately her emotional swing is quite par for the course. That is why you must do your best to ground yourself in her storm. Detach, GAL, think what's really good for you.
Originally Posted by Mar252
I love my W with all of my heart and soul but I am done begging her to love me back. I really don't think the consequences of her actions are going to hit her unless I leave. I think she will feel it most acutely during the holidays.
Then stop begging. Follow the rules as best you can. I totally second others warning with "having life teach her things" Whilst this is absolutely true - it's not a healthy way to set boundaries. You set them for you.. based off your needs.
Originally Posted by Mar252
To all the LBS, if you had the option to stay or go when you first had your BD's what would you have done? I am open to all advice and opinions.
I definitely agree with Yail that things have changed on this board. One thing I have noticed changed is from the push to stay in the home to a push to physically separate. I don't think neither is bad, The main goal being is about creating an environment that we can be our best self in. That's different for every person. You have to decide what's best for you.
At the same time - it's important to protect yourself. The house technically belongs to your wife's family correct? That changes things from what rights you have to stay verses her right to kick you out. Be prepared for the worst whilst hoping for the best.
Also what's the gameplan with your kiddo? Do you have equal rights as parents? If you leave the house - how does it affect him/her?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
To all the LBS, if you had the option to stay or go when you first had your BD's what would you have done? I am open to all advice and opinions.
My XW and I had a relatively short tension period before she definitively said she wanted a D, and I didn't fight it. Once about a month later she said to me, "But you seem to be moving on..." and I responded (I wish more emphatically) with, "What was my response supposed to be when you said you wanted a divorce?".
For me, this was the best move. To separate, to have no contact aside from brief and polite (no sarcasm, no snippiness - truly) written communication on logistics. I think when looking at the whole picture I healed faster and more fully. I am two years from BD and I am living my life. In a way I never have before, with fresh eyes and renewed energy.
But more than trying to hurry-up some healing process, I don't have anger towards her. Occasional frustration or very, very mild anger perhaps when I think of the A. That one hurts. But because I removed myself from the situation fully I think I have fewer of those painful memories. What I don't know can't hurt me. I assume she moved in with the OW (I don't know). I assume they are partnered (I don't know). I assume she is okay with her decision (I don't know). But the "I don't know" is a h*** of a lot easier than the images of a few graphic, terrible memories that I DID know. Does that make sense?
I'm almost at a point of understanding with my W. Almost. I see things now that I did not see 2 years ago. Things about myself, things about her, things about our dynamic together. I understand her perspective a bit having never had these conversations with her. It sounds weird, and it's hard to describe. I am 100% NOT expecting to ever have my XW reach out to me again in search of reconciliation. Truly. But if it did happen, I could entertain the thought without vengeance, without spite, and also without desperation. I think of our time together with love and fondly. But I think it's because once she started to hurt me I got the F out.
I did not take marriage lightly. I was prepared to fight. But you both have to be moving in the same direction. I don't know if leaving and taking her at her word is the best for you, but I can say that it was for me. You need to truly sit with it and turn off the noise and hear what your own soul is telling you to do without guilt and without societal pressure moving you either way. One of the benefits of being gay and fighting subtle or overt disapproval is that we learn very quickly how to navigate our own lives and dismissing those who don't believe in us.
One thing I have noticed changed is from the push to stay in the home to a push to physically separate. I don't think neither is bad, The main goal being is about creating an environment that we can be our best self in. That's different for every person. You have to decide what's best for you.
At the same time - it's important to protect yourself. The house technically belongs to your wife's family correct? That changes things from what rights you have to stay verses her right to kick you out. Be prepared for the worst whilst hoping for the best.
Also what's the gameplan with your kiddo? Do you have equal rights as parents? If you leave the house - how does it affect him/her?
Valesca, I am on a crazy emotional roller coaster. Over the past couple of weeks my W has become incredibly distant. All our normal routines have stopped. She leaves for work at 8:30 Am then goes to gym and doesn't get home until 7:30 PM. She has dinner and goes to bed. All phones calls have stopped unless it has something to do with the house. We have been in the middle of renovations and I work from home all day so am the one dealing with contractors.
The house does belong to her family, although we are married I have no rights to it. She has told me that she has no intentions of asking me to leave. She knows I can't afford anything on my own. I lost my full time job because of COVID. Only working part time at the moment. And I also think she is wrestling with guilt. No idea how long this would last.
I really am trying to take it one day at a time and decide what I want to do. I do know that I will not be able to emotionally tolerate being here for too long. It just hurts too much. My only option is to go to my families home which is out of the country. Have seriously debated just buying a plane ticket and going.
Our D24 is grown. She still lives at home and would stay. My W is her biological mother, I adopted her as a young child.
I did not take marriage lightly. I was prepared to fight. But you both have to be moving in the same direction. I don't know if leaving and taking her at her word is the best for you, but I can say that it was for me. You need to truly sit with it and turn off the noise and hear what your own soul is telling you to do without guilt and without societal pressure moving you either way. One of the benefits of being gay and fighting subtle or overt disapproval is that we learn very quickly how to navigate our own lives and dismissing those who don't believe in us.
Yail, thank you for the advice. I really am leaning towards your approach. She and I have spent 21 years of our lives together. When me married, as far as I was concerned, it was forever. We have both made mistakes throughout our relationship and have hurt each other but have always managed to stick it out. Our attempt at MC was an effort to overcome past mistakes and learn to positively move forward. I sincerely believed we were making great progress after a year of MC then the OW appeared. The past year has been an absolute mess and she actually told me on Saturday that she is no longer in love with me. I am desperately trying to muster the strength and courage to leave. If she truely doesn't want me or want to save this marriage then I have no reason to stay.
I have a decision to make, begin living separate lives in the same home or just get my affairs in order and leave. ...To all the LBS, if you had the option to stay or go when you first had your BD's what would you have done? I am open to all advice and opinions.
Two sides of a coin. Both sides have worked for some. I lean toward this side:
"I do not share my lady with other men." "I do not want to be with a woman who does not want to be with me" "Is it better to leave and have her miss you, or stay and resent you?"
The other side may have positive results if there is not a third person in the picture and/or the resentment and blame and unhappiness has not crossed some threshold. Easier to show your changes in behavior.
Normally we advise to stay in the marital home as well as the master bedroom. The other person has to do the work. If I recall correctly, the house is not in your name, it is in hers. Correct me if I am wrong. Sorry but sitch do get blurry in my mind. I would seek legal advise about this before making any decisions.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
