My wife dropped "I want a divorce" on me around the first of the month. Apparently she filed and we started legal separation on the 7th of sep so almost a month. Things just exploded really quickly so here is the sitch im in.
Im 35 shes 33 we have 2 kids 5 daughter and 7 son. We had some ups and downs In our marriage before, she had a couple affairs we worked through and had a couple breaks before but always came back together. the last time around 2 years ago I was in nursing school and had gotten depressed with the school, our disconnection and was drinking. Never violent or anything the opposite really I see I was for sure a pleaser and a doormat, then once I got comfortable and secure I would get into video games or TV or something and not court and date her like I should have and she would get bored and repeat the process. Each time we fell apart I sort of blamed her lack of commitment and flipped out, drank myself into a stuper, called her whole family told them about her affair just did all the wrong stuff. We were sort of reconciling over the last one, she asked me to remarry her and that was the plan, we decided to put money into a new home out of state and just had the finishing touches done. I was just waiting to transfer my nursing license and then boom the d-bomb. She said "im not happy" and "you neglected me" I needed to feel that love and I wasn't getting it from you. This seems to be the usual story with her, last time I told her "don't cheat just file divorce" I guess she finally listened and filed it, she is in an EA with some other dude but that got choppy when his wife started stalking her lol.
So this time I have done things quite a bit differently since I don't blame her lack of commitment for 100% of the problem, I was a good provider, a great dad, but I wasn't fun and didn't date my wife. I really see that now, of course that its too late. She told me she always took me back out of guilt which makes since why I never learned anything from it and she never really invested into it either. But instead of my usual condescending blaming her, getting dramatic etc... I have acted a lot different this time since I want to fix this and save my marriage. I see where I went wrong, and so since she dropped the news on me
I have not begged, I have not gotten angry I have listened to her reasons and accepted my part in it. I found out about her EA and she actually said "how are you being so cool about it?" I didn't tell anyone else. Kind of keeping it our secret. I defended her reasons against my family and she actually eavesdropped on my mom and I talking and was proud of me for not bashing her this time and taking it like a champ. I tell her I want to work this out, that I understand why she feels that I didn't love her enough, I disagreed but accepted her choice. I helped her move out of the new home she doesn't want to move now away from family and agreed it was a mistake. She has been distant but also strangely kind, she holds my hand, gives me kisses on the cheek, and when Im standing next to my son she says "I love you guys."
She has told me in R talks she brought up that we can always get remarried, that she is divorcing the husband that I was, and that she wants to "study" me and see how Im going to react. She admitted to talking to someone else but that obviously got weird and she says she isn't looking to get serious with anyone she just wants to be "happy" and feel that rush and etc...
We live with her parents, we slept in different rooms me with the boy her with the girl for the last 8 months waiting to move into the new house. Funny when we went to take the new house apart we slept in the same bed. she held my hand she said "what I am doing, am I in some mid-life crisis?" I just say "I don't know, maybe" she has moments of tearfulness and regrets and tenderness toward me. No anger really and she flirts and stuff often. She said "your the only one that supports me my whole family is against me"
My plan is to pursue her 0% and when she puts herself around me to be positive, flirty, nice, etc , her main concern was that I neglected her for affection, I realize now is not the time to fix that but I am not sure how to address it without seeming like im pursing her.
Any advice I would appreciate. -Steve
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-66, D33,S32
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Just read your sich. Some similarities with our stories. The drinking, the lack of emotional connection and we’re both nurses. I plan to not pursue as well but I have heard others say that occasionally reaching out can be helpful. More on the friends level I guess. Tough for me as were living separately. She has the kids and just moved into a new house. I’m in an apartment. Anyways, going to continue working on myself. Stopped drinking, learning about confidence, communication and emotional connection in relationships. Something I never learned or was taught. Keep posting and I’ll keep checking in on you
Thanks for the response, yeah I still live with my ww and im in denial but im sure her EA is a PA, she denies it but I think she does it to leave the door open to me for intimacy since she does still find me handsome etc.. funny im a psych nurse as well. figures... I gave up drinking like that when my marriage fell apart valentines day 2019 and I haven't been drunk since then. It was a big deal to her to stop that, and I did, turned things around we were actually very "happy" until moving away from her family was getting closer, and after staying in the other room for months and playing a stupid pc game most of the day we drifted apart. I was waiting to move away and start over thinking things were good. They weren't, she asked me to spend less time on the PC and I didn't hear her, well obviously I hear her now. The thought of my gorgeous wife in another dude's arms haunts me 24/7. I did apologize to her, I haven't turned on the PC in a month, I deactivated my account and so on pretty much, I considered throwing my 3,000$ laptop into her parents swimming pool.
It almost makes it worse that she is still kind to me, I can reach out to her whenever I want but I don't. I have wanted to say something to her all day today but I haven't. last night she asked me for persmisson to go out with her sisters, of course I just said "yeah have fun" there was nothing else to say to a WW that would have been useful. She is in the grass is greener thing, and this has happened a few times, we both agreed that by now we would have gotten back together and swept things under the rug, that's probably why we cant seem to work it out. She knows if she were to try again it would take 100% commitment, and she acknowleged that. it was good to hear but I don't think this time will be easy, I feel like it will be several months down the road of me doing the impossible DB'ing. Not pursing her, being friendly and playful, pretending im not destroyed inside. I haven't signed the D papers yet but Im not looking forward to it, it will be pretty much impossible to not fall apart. Trying to prepare myself for that. We got great kids and her family loves me but they all seen my reclusive/comfortable behavior and our ups and downs, I feel like the only way to win her back if its even possible is to 180, GAL, and act like I don't even care, which is impossible. But I am doing my best, fighting the urge. I just need to figure out how to give her that affection that she was missing but not pursue and look like a sad sap either.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Yeah by what I’ve read on other threads were in for the long haul. My w told me that she wants to be apart for atleast a year, focus on her and the kids. Problem is I don’t know if this is her stalling so that she can file (you have to be separated atleast a year in order to file) or she wants to see genuine changes before she makes a decision. The worst part is not knowing what she is thinking and of course with DB’ibg your not supposed to have those r talks. Can’t remember if your still living together or separate? Is she still wearing wedding ring? My wife took hers off a month ago. Made the mistake of asking her about it. I hear your pain with the EA. My biggest fear is that she will meet someone while we’re separated. Although we both agreed we would not date during this time. I’m not holding my breath. I think keep doing what your doing. One thing I’ve noticed in all the stories I’ve read is that time is a good thing. Work on ourselves, be better fathers, and focus what we can control. Hang in there Steve
So just got off the phone with her it didn’t go well.
She called to tell me that our daughter needs something and that the appointment was tomorrow to sign the papers for the D. She said “it’s just a paper right” and I was like okay, okay, okay. She said “are you okay”? “Or just pretending to be”?
I made the mistake of a R talk. I said I don’t want a D that I made mistakes that I see them now but if she wants the D okay, I told her that her EA is probably a PA since I found a receipt for massage oil and a hotel room. And I hoped she wasn’t going to just leave for another dude. She said “no I’m not gonna take off I’ll be next door”. (Other room) she said “it’s only been a month, we have said this all before, we both need do do things different, and she said I need to see this other side too” That sort of upset me because of course I’m impatient and I want her back. I told her I wouldn’t like to be watching the kids all night while she is out with other dude while we take it “day by day” she was like “okay okay I’ll talk to you later” she was late for work. I messaged her after and said “hey I don’t want stuff to be awkward I’m letting go of the past mistakes we can’t change them only what we do from now on” “let’s take it day by day” and then i asked for gas money, I’m hoping that didn’t do too much damage. It’s gonna be hard to sign papers tomorrow. But I will do my best not to backslide, I been doing good for a month this was probably the worst thing I did so far. It’s just really hard to hang in there with all the uncertainty.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
Not sure how to handle signing tomorrow. Could use a pro tip.
T:11 M:10 K: D5, S7 BD: 9/1/20 WW continues to break up and recon with OM. I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021 Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21. Glad my D was not busted.
called her whole family told them about her affair just did all the wrong stuff.
Not sure that this was wrong.
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This seems to be the usual story with her, last time I told her "don't cheat just file divorce" I guess she finally listened and filed it, she is in an EA with some other dude but that got choppy when his wife started stalking her lol.
Seems like she cheated first to get her backup plan and then filed. She does have a track record going here...
She has your whipped into a corner where she does crappy things and expects that you'll never call her BS or need to vent to anyone else. It makes no sense.
Your W has little to no respect for you. You're going to have to start respecting yourself before she starts to respect you. When you stand up for yourself, you can 100% expect her to try to beat you back down and that it won't be pleasant but life isn't always easy. It's how you act in the hard times that count.
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My plan is to pursue her 0% and when she puts herself around me to be positive, flirty, nice, etc , her main concern was that I neglected her for affection, I realize now is not the time to fix that but I am not sure how to address it without seeming like im pursing her.
She wants a divorce so why would you try give her affection when she is having another affair (how many total affairs are we talking?) and wants a divorce? You want to address it? R-E-S-P-E-C-T. After going through all the affairs that you have, nothing should scare you. Look this in the eye and don't blink. Don't let her work you up. Do what you need to do, not what is easy. You are very emotional right now, but the sooner you can detach and get to a calm, clearheaded state the better you will be. And you do that by taking control of your attitude and thoughts. If thinking about her works you up, stop thinking about her.
I'm no fan of armchair psych diagnoses, but she even questioned if she is in crisis and her behavior seems to indicate that too. I'm not a psychiatrist however.
Here's the pro-tip: consult several lawyers tomorrow and don't speak to your W and certainly don't sign a thing. I doubt there's much of anything you guys need to be talking about outside of the day to day child rearing. So stick to that.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Don't sign anything until you talk to a L and make sure you know what your rights are. Also, everything ovrrnbw said is spot on. She's got you wrapped around her finger. She's tossing you crumbs, so you'll continue being a good boy and keep your mouth shut while she runs around doing whatever she wants. Best case scenario for her. She gets to love on her boyfriend while you watch the kids and keep her secrets. I think she's so gung ho on getting divorced because she wants complete freedom to do whatever/whoever she wants. When she tells you its just a paper and you can remarry someday, that translates to just be quiet and give me what I want or I'll take this carrot (chance at R) I'm dangling away from you.
Originally Posted by Steve_
I just need to figure out how to give her that affection that she was missing but not pursue and look like a sad sap either.
You can't do that right now. It is pursuit and you will most certainly look like a sad sap. She has a boyfriend. She's not interested in being with you. You will only look pathetic and reaffirm in her mind that she's doing the right thing and that you will always be there as her plan B. She will actually take delight in the fact that she owns you and knows she can do whatever she wants while you sit on the porch like a puppy waiting for her...
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
