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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Dawn, I appreciate your post more than you m ow. Some days I feel like I am failing miserably as a parent. It’s really tough that I’m in the position where everyone comes to complain to me about her behavior like it’s my job solely to fix and like it’s all my fault. It’s a lot to be solely responsible for. And everyone has their opinions. A good part of it is just her being a teenager. But I am not in the camp of using that excuse for not doing anything about it. So there has got to be consequences. I do have expectations and she needs to meet them in order to get the good extras in life. It just gets super heavy when you are doing it on your own. My ex was kind enough to validate that I get the brunt of it . He knows it because I’m mostly with her. But it’s a lonely place to raise children from birth by yourself. It’s really hard and pressure filled. No support, constant doubt... not even a my own mom to guide me. It’s more in my older age not having a mom or a mother figure do I realize how much it has impacted me.

Anyways. We are managing with some slip ups that get consequences. But her mood is lighter and more enjoyable. That’s a plus.

Me on the other hand is a mess. I probably did tear my meniscus according to my surgeon. I have an MRI Wednesday to confirm and see what kind of tear and why the next step is. And the worst part? If I need surgery, I have no one to take me or care for me. My dad is getting his own procedure. I seriously have no one and that is a real tough pill to swallow. I guess I’ll worry about it more when I know what the course of action is. My foot, saw that doctor yesterday and got another shot. He thinks it’s something else that can really only be helped by medications I am really trying to avoid. I want to exercise, hike, walk, take adventures, even if solo, but I can’t. So I eat and drink instead and that isn’t doing very good for me. I want to get out into nature which I love.

I’m visiting a friend tomorrow and we are going to a winery by her house. I am also buying 2 brand new bicycles from her for me and D 13 . I can comfortably bicycle ride right now, so I’m Hopi be that will get me out with some exercise. I’m trying .

I’m reorganizing all my closets and trying to really minimize and get rid of any clutter. I have no storage and I’m sick of seeing stuff out. I want it away. So I’m making it happen. It’s looking pretty good so far. That will be my Saturday night plans and I’m looking forward to it.

Oh, and I did lease a brand new car and I got a really awesome deal and I love it. That’s definitely a bright spot.

I’m keep in keeping on. I’m hoping for a decent amount of time off in November and December and hope to take a long weekend getaway for myself.

A lot of people ask me if I’m dating. And I say no. Then they ask why. And I say I would t want to date me now, so I probably wouldn’t attract the best partners. I have a coworker retiring, and we are having a party for her and her 44 year old single son is coming and everyone wants to hook me up with him. This should be interesting. Or really uncomfortable, lol. Guess I better dress nice.

D13 is getting her a special curly cut right now and I can’t stay in the salon, so I’m waiting at a cafe. I can’t wait to see it. Hopefully she loves it !

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hormones rage in the teen years, suddenly you have one foot in childhood, where it is safe and known, and another somewhere else entirely. add covid to the mix and yuck. poor little G! I'm so proud of you G for how you parent her. Glad there's been a turnaround. just keep it a day at a time. Very sorry about your knee frown boy does that stink - I get it because I'm still rehabbing the ankle. sending hugs


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Radom thoughts:

D13 is doing much better. Still a teenager, but an improved one. I took her and her friend out to dinner tonight and it was fun. I’m taking her and her 2 friends apple picking Sunday.

Personally, I feel the winter blues setting in. It is a tough time of the year to be alone. I want somebody so much to cuddle with and talk to and enjoy sometime together. I have had all my dating apps deleted. I thought about going back on. I just do not want to be alone anymore. I can be alone. I just don’t want to be. In the same breath, I don’t want to put myself back out there. I am not confident right now. And the thought of dating is exhausting to me. I don’t have those instant mutual connections. Rarely anymore. And I think I am plagued my really bad luck with online dating. Others make it seem effortless. A few weeks of doing the dating around and they find someone. 12 miserable years of it, and I got one significant relationship from it that left me heartbroken .
I just don’t know that I have it in me.

I was talking to a colleague of sorts . She met her boyfriend 5 months ago in the parking lot of a grocery store. He left his car door open, she found him and told him and the rest was history. I need that in my life! Ha.

I just see another lonely holiday season on the horizon. I know I’ll never find anyone if I don’t put the effort in. But I just don’t have the drive. And I am not in a place mentally for more rejection.

If I do look back on some relationships, I do realize when I thought I was being vulnerable, I might have actually been insecure and haven’t really let anyone in. I’ve had too many experiences of men keeping me at arms length , just close enough they boot me out if something better came along or when they needed to give. If I were to date again, I would be more vulnerable and open, at the same time, not putting so much thought and effort into doing things a certain way.

I don’t know if any of that makes sense. One day I would like to just all to fall into place .

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I forgot to mention.

This may seem kind of pathetic, but today is day 4 no alcohol! I haven’t gone 4 days without a drink in ....... well, I can’t remember when! Feels good. I’ve developed a new addiction though. Tea. I’m a coffee drinker hard core, but after my cup in the morning, I now drink tea from afternoon until before bed. I try all different kinds. I don’t add any sugar or milk. Just straight up tea.

I guess I could be hooked on worse things

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Take your vitamin D - it really helps with seasonal affective disorder.

As for being more vulnerable - funny, I would have said you need to be less so. You need to be confident, flirtatious, but make men prove themselves to you and pursue you before you let them really know you. Counter-intuitive, I know.

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Hi Ginger,

4 days no alcohol doesn't sound pathetic at all! I know my ex-GF drinks almost daily, and I drink the 1-2 days every couple weeks that are stressful. We could probably all do with a little less alcohol.

I feel the holidays coming, too! I would've had company for Thanksgiving if I stayed with my ex. I may make it into a service day, help families in need? That's usually fulfilling! Maybe consider the same? Although, I guess in your job you already do good for your community most days. Just an idea.

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Well, I really wasn’t vulnerable. I just let myself fully enjoy the dating or a relationship. I treaded so lightly around M and i when we were becoming serious. Afraid to be too much, to embrace being a couple because I didn’t want to do the “wrong” thing or “scare “ him away. I haven’t been able to fully give myself to a relationship. It’s always in the back of my head how I’m the “right now” girl and not the “right” girl to most of the people I have dated. Even my own husband. That stuff sticks if and when I decide to date again, I am going to relax into it, enjoy it, and drop the insecurities.
I also take my Vit D gummies almost daily.

CW: thank you. I’ve been alone most holidays. If I don’t have my D , I Usually work since I have a job that never sleeps, lol. One year I did volunteer at a sober men living shelter on thanksgiving and got my dad and his wife to do it with me. It was a great experience to watch these men have their families come and celebrate in a safe place with them.

As far as Christmas. Last year I had my D Christmas even into Christmas. The year before, I spent Christmas Eve with my ex BF and his family and stayed over and went to work the next morning. This year will be my first year in 4 seasons that I have spent Christmas Eve into Christmas morning alone. It is very difficult. I usually cry my way through it, honestly. I do have to work on Christmas again this year though, so I will treat that morning as any other and get up for work .

Sigh. I do promise to make it the best holiday season for my daughter . Because she just loves the holidays so much. Her mood increases by a million while mine tanks. But I will keep it going with the cheer for her.

We actually laid in her room this morning and listened to Christmas music. Because it makes her so happy.

Oh, and a wonderful side effect of the no drinking?

I can sleep without my sleeping pills! I sleep pretty decently. I thought it might be the opposite . I guess not. I’ll take it!

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(((Ginger))). I was interested to read about your thoughts that you go into relationships assuming you are the “right now” girl as opposed to the “right” girl for whoever you are dating. That’s a pretty powerful message to give yourself that definitely may be impacting the course of your relationships. The brain is a powerful thing. It’s job is to keep us alive. It doesn’t care if you are happy or not. So when you tell it that there is danger in relationships, it is going to keep you from investing in them. The words we tell ourselves are so important. It’s why diets fail so often. When I see a piece of cake and I tell myself that I can’t have that cake because I’m on a diet, my brain says “oh...you want that cake so I have to get it for you” and then my craving for it increases so that I either give in and have it or I manage to overcome my craving but my feelings of deprivation increase and it impacts my mood. If I see that piece of cake and tell my brain that I choose not to eat it because I want to be healthy, my brain says “oh you don’t want that” and it makes it much easier to walk away from it. It is a subtle but very important difference.

Your post made me reflect on what it is I tell myself when I go out on a date or meet someone because I think I am one of those people who does pretty well dating. I definitely spend a bit of time wondering if the other person will like me or find me attractive and vice versa but overall, I do go into it expecting the other person to really like me. I think that comes from a couple places. The first is from my relationship with my father who looked at me and treated me as if I had hung the moon. The second is that I’ve had several long term relationships that resulted in an engagement (two of them I gave back the ring) and two marriages. So I think I’m pretty open and very much myself when I meet new people and expect things to go well. They don’t always but then usually that is when the feelings, or lack thereof, are pretty mutual. KML is someone else who does pretty well dating and I suspect she approaches dating in the same way with similar expectations.

From your description, it seems like your relationship with your dad is challenging and that has probably impacted your inner sense of self growing up since a girl’s relationship with her father is so important from a developmental perspective. I also wonder about your role in your family... if you were the “caretaker” or the good girl who got her approval and recognition for being good and taking care of others. This is pretty common and your chosen profession is probably no accident. You feel best when you are taking care of others. The downside of this is that, over time, you start to feel resentful and exhausted when people don’t fully appreciate you or return your efforts. That’s not a criticism of you...it’s just human nature. I’m that way too. Looking after ourselves, putting ourselves first sometimes is a difficult shift to make...but it is a necessary one.

Anyway...I’m not exactly sure what I’m trying to say except that I agree with you. I suspect that your mindset is part of what is holding you back. We are all guilty of this in different areas of our lives. Overcoming our early programming is very difficult to do but it IS possible. You are a great catch Ginger. You need to really believe that about yourself and let people see it. (((HUGS)))

PS. There is a YouTube series that I think you would really benefit from watching. I will message you the link.

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Quote
The first is from my relationship with my father who looked at me and treated me as if I had hung the moon.


Yes, I had that too. I did suffer when younger from some insecurities - bring a nerdy smart science type was a turn off for some guys. I spent way too much energy trying to please my ex and keep him happy. But since my divorce I’ve felt differently about dating. Coming off a long marriage, I don’t NEED another man or a marriage to affirm me. I’m more concerned with whether a guy has something to offer me that I want in terms of companionship. And I no longer have a fixed idea of what that looks like. And not surprisingly, the less I pursue, the more men pursue me.

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So some interesting rid bits in my life.

I got a call from the dermatology office. Long story short, my cultures came back with some MRSA and another kind serious bacteria. They asked me how I was feeling before telling me and was surprised when I said I was fine. Why basically forgot to report the cultures to me which they should have done over a month ago. Luckily the bleach baths seem to do the trick, but they are going to treat me intranasally for any colonization of MRSA. They sounded like they expected me to be In septic shock or something and we’re relieved to find out I was fine, since they dropped the ball, which they tried to hide from me. Guess the universe was on my side.

Then I always check who’s in ER so I know what admissions I’m coming into on my floor..... and there he is again. That guy I went on a date with a year ago and talked to for 2 months who said “ he thinks I would make a great partner but he needs to focus on his kids” more like he needed to focus on his drinking. He’s back with liver failure and is being admitted to my unit. He will be there when I get in tomorrow. My coworker of course offered to take him for him. Conflict of interest. But I’m sure I’ll see him. He probably won’t remember me though, since he went through his drunken psychotic withdrawal stint in January. Very sad. He has 3 kids 12-16.

I realize I really do want to date again. I might be ready. We hve a doctor who I have had my eye on. I never knew if he was single, but he’s cute. And I never mentioned it to anyone. Today my coworker said “hey gineen, Dr so and so is single! I may not be where I want to be physically , I may be struggling, but I really would love some companionship and I still have some love in my tank to give. Would love to spend some time with a member of the opposite sex I click with. I haven’t truly clicked with anyone since M.

And in a good note. My daughter wants to try for this special high school academy. It’s hard to get in. But she’s really interested in the animal sciences program. Her grades are good enough. But she has to really apply herself. She does the minimum and does well, but she has to really work. The downside is it’s kind of far so she would have to be up early and she could only stay at her dads house Friday night and saturday night .
But if she wants it, I support her. She is also running the town 5k this Saturday and is going back to school tomorrow on a hybrid schedule.

I’m hanging in there. Went to the gym last night and it felt good. I have not had a drink I 10 days! I will be having one or 2 next Tuesday at a retirement party. But I totally cut out any drinking that isn’t social . I’m proud of myself .

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