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hi Rachel,

I'm really sorry. That sounds so difficult. Can you talk to your family and your friend and ask them to please not get involved? Just what you said here, that events like yesterday are supposed to be for the kids and you're having a difficult enough time as it is? That what you need is their supportive presence right now but any comments are really not helpful? I know it is really tough for them to see you hurting like this, and I'm sure they want to knock some sense into your H. Hopefully they'll be able to set aside their own emotional response so that they can be there for you in the way you need.

(((Rachel)))


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Originally Posted by rachel75
Sage, I will try to set an appt for that this week then.


Set appointments with the TOP three divorce attorneys in your area. I believe they would not be able to represent your spouse if they have already met with you. You can confirm this when you have your free consult.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Journaling because I need to get this out of my head.

This morning I listened to a podcast about being with a narcissist. I have known for a while that H is one, but this explained a lot to me. How they drop love bombs, especially in the beginning and are charismatic, complimenting you and how you are the perfect one for him, are amazing, etc (all things he said to OW within weeks of moving out). 1 quote from the podcast was, "No one falls in love faster than a narcissist who needs a place to live."

Fast forward to later today... H came by to discuss some things and after he searched through my computer history, I told him he was not in a position to do that and took the computer from him. He began telling the kids how he wants them to come stay with him but I won't let them. After some more of this, I lost it in front of the kids and said how H has been living with OW and her kids. I regretted it instantly and have been trying to repair that damage all day long.

Since, then H left and went through a weird progression of actions.

1. threatening to call DFCS on me for saying those things in front of the kids
2. Next he was saying he is coming home this weekend for good and we will NOT be divorcing because he will be here to make sure I am miserable the rest of my life.
3. Next he sent me a long message detailing how everyone will be better off without him, how he is going to finally end it. When I ignored those messages, he sent a few more with suicide notes to each of the kids.

A little bit later, he called me and was bawling, going on about how all he does is cause problems and everyone will be better off without him. He was very drunk. I asked if OW was with him and when he confirmed, I told him to go enjoy his time with her and hung up.

SHEESH.

Side note, I did speak with 1 lawyer & have calls in to a couple more.

If you stayed to read all that crazy mess, thank you.

Last edited by rachel75; 10/02/20 12:02 AM.
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There was just SO much drama and crazy today and honestly I am worried about what will come next, when he is sober. Whether he will be angry, accusatory, or still claiming he is moving back to make my life terrible. He just seems really unstable right now.

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Hi Rachel, how are you today?

Originally Posted by rachel75
Fast forward to later today... H came by to discuss some things and after he searched through my computer history, I told him he was not in a position to do that and took the computer from him. He began telling the kids how he wants them to come stay with him but I won't let them. After some more of this, I lost it in front of the kids and said how H has been living with OW and her kids. I regretted it instantly and have been trying to repair that damage all day long.


This sounds really hard, but don't beat yourself up over losing it. And please be careful about how much regret you show in front of the kids. It can be really disarming for kids to see an adult not forgive oneself for human behavior. Saying 'You know when you get angry at a friend and say things that hurt someone else? I lost my temper and said some things I wish I didn't. Next time I am angry at Dad, I am going to take a deep breath before I say anything.' And then leave it open to their questions, but don't flagellate yourself in front of them. You don't want to teach them through your behavior that they are unforgivable for their actions. Does this make sense?

Originally Posted by rachel75
Since, then H left and went through a weird progression of actions.

1. threatening to call DFCS on me for saying those things in front of the kids
2. Next he was saying he is coming home this weekend for good and we will NOT be divorcing because he will be here to make sure I am miserable the rest of my life.
3. Next he sent me a long message detailing how everyone will be better off without him, how he is going to finally end it. When I ignored those messages, he sent a few more with suicide notes to each of the kids.


1. Good luck to him.
2. This is abuse. Keep records. If he does come home and attempts to make you miserable, you can use this to get a court to order him to move out.
3. Keep a record of these sorts of comments and interactions. He is not stable and may not be stable enough to spend time alone with the kids.

Originally Posted by rachel75
A little bit later, he called me and was bawling, going on about how all he does is cause problems and everyone will be better off without him. He was very drunk. I asked if OW was with him and when he confirmed, I told him to go enjoy his time with her and hung up.


Great response, great boundary. Keep up this sort of detachment. You DID NOT break him and you CANNOT fix him.

Meet with more L's and let them know what you told us here. They will give you some legal tools for moving forward and protecting yourself.

I am so sorry, Rachel.

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Thank you Sage for responding. I feel so alone in all this and it really helps when people who understand can converse with me. So far today, I have not heard from him. I don't plan to call. I suppose it is the weekend, but I assume he will not follow through with his plan to move back home. I'm doing okay so far today. I took the kids to walk the trails at the park and play on the playground and get some time out of the house. I have to start figuring out a way to get more income assuming this moves forward toward D.

I spoke to the first lawyer again yesterday and updated him. He said if H does try to move back home, he can file an order for temporary use of the house so that H cannot be here.

Part of me is thinking that if he comes back home something good can come of that down the line, if the right things happen. I know that has to be crazy. Please someone feel free to slap me in the face about that.

I screenshot every one of his suicide-ish messages in case I need them later on. I know he was mainly saying these things because he was drinking (which he usually doesn't do) but still. NOT okay. It felt SO GOOD to say that and hang up. I can only wonder what she was thinking while he called his wife to cry. *eye roll*

I think the things I said to H yesterday affected the eldest the most. He seems to be doing okay, and I think I apologized pretty similarly to your suggestion so hopefully that was good. I know S8 needs time with me and stability and calm right now so I am doing my best to provide that.

Last edited by rachel75; 10/02/20 06:52 PM.
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Well Rachel, well done on the boundary! It felt so good for me to tell my h not to come and sleep at the house.

Nothing goid will come of it NOW. Maybe maybe months down the line if he chnages, if he goes through everything he needs to to be a better person then you will decide later on if that's what you would like.


Hes is basically saying that he will come back to make your life a misery, im assuming live at home and still see the OW!
No chance, you are just starting to fe steady Rachel, gaining stability and starting your journey of detachment.

I think its important to try and keep as much peace as possible for the kids, they do t need to see his crazy behaviour.
But setting the boundaries that protect you is essential.


Re taking his own life-obv i dont know how true this is, but i have jeard this from my H and i will never know what happened or didnt happen but it was very dramatic.

Stay strong

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Update: still haven't heard from him since Thursday evening. That means he has not called the kids literally all week long at bedtime. He spent $600 on "groceries" because he felt guilty he wasn't contributing to rent while living with OW. Ugh.

The kids have barely asked about him. It seems the younger 2 just forget he exists now. Really sad as this is not what I wanted for them. I guess his threat of coming back home was BS, which is good. I started browsing houses today just to see what is out there. I can't keep up with the size of our house and maintenance on it if I am by myself. It would be nice to start over somewhere else. I am also looking to take on more clients so I can afford this mess and keep my kids home with me.

Things I am doing well with: haven't snooped on his messages in almost a month. I have barely initiated any contact with him, and haven't at all since his suicide threats. This is definitely a big 180 for me because in the past I would have contacted him a few times especially amid the suicide talk.

I am usually feeling fine most mornings, but in the afternoons/evenings I get hit with a lot of depression and just not wanting to do anything. I have binged way too many tv shows lately.

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Hey Rachel, i think you are doing pretty good actually.

Evenings will get better i promise, life will get better. You seem to be moving forward with your own plans which is important. House, more work, making sure that kids have a roof over their head, all important stuff.

There is an odd evening where i feel sorry for myself, all the other time i dont feel guilty for watching netflix or listening to a podcast and doing nothing at all around the house. On friday boys and i were all so tired after a busy week we
Literally spent the whole evening on the sofa watching a movie. I think its ok to do whatever it feels like you need to do. There are evenings where i feel motivated and ill make sure all the housework is done and the house is sparkling clean.
Its also important to remember that self care is essential, what makes you feel good? Having a hot bath? Face mask, doing your nails? Whatever it is you need to take time to do it.

I think you are doing amazing!

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Thank you Gigi smile That means a lot.

I have a question for those of you veterans. The kids and I have not heard from H since Thursday when he sent suicide notes and I hung up on him, telling him to go enjoy his time with OW rather than crying to me. He was supposed to watch the kids this morning so I could go to work and he didn't show.

He has spent a ridiculous amount of money in the last few days. We did speak of it a few days ago and he said he was contributing to OW's household because he is not paying rent. He said he wouldn't be making large purchases like that often. Since then he has spent at least $100-150 more. Since I already broached this subject a few days ago, do I bother mentioning it again since he keeps spending ($1000 on gas stations and groceries in less than a week)? it seems my words won't mean a thing, so im thinking I should just keep my mouth shut. It is really frustrating that he knows money is tight and he continues to blow it.


Last edited by rachel75; 10/05/20 07:44 PM.
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