Filed for D

[unchien]

Such a mind F. I was dumb last night and told her during a chat we had about splitting furniture, (not an R chat) that I'm asking for a little bit more because I have to deal with the betrayal for the rest of my life.

C'mon Core...

She told me she didnt want any of this either and that I betrayed her worse than she did to me. I dont understand how thats possible. What did I do that was so bad? I know no one here has the answer. I've reflected on everything for over a year and see no big betrayal. Some arguments but never yelling on my end, nor name calling. I think the worst I did was tell her not to come home one time in the heat of the moment.

You are assuming that her brain/thought/emotions work the same way that yours do.

Core, it is ALL about the narrative.

She has her version of reality, her narrative. It doesn't have to make sense to anybody except her. Just like your version.
Just like mine.

[Core]

U, IW, Ovr and Bl, thanks for stopping by and adding perspective.

I tell you, this isnt getting any easier. If we were in conflict or the affair was still happening, I've no doubt this would be harder that it is. Being without conflict is causing a different pain....a why arent we working on the M and letting the love slowly die pain. A friend told me that I haven't yet mourned the death of the marriage because it is indeed still dying and W is killing it. That really resonated. I'm thankful that my kids continue to thrive. They seem blissfully unaware.

I've cut back on some self improvement. Not completely thankfully however I'm not working on developing a more attractive personality or learning about relationships. I don't want to go through this again and am checking out of relationships unless its a tinder fling once I'm D'd. There isn't much to get from a modern relationship in my opinion and traditional is out of the question for a few reasons. I loved intensely and married once, I think I'll keep it that way. I still feel some love for W despite all this. After almost a year I still want to give her a kiss or sneak up and put my arms around her. To have but one life and throw so much away, I'll never understand. As U mentioned though, its all in the narrative and W thinks she tossing out a dusty pebble and perhaps will pick up a shiny marble. Maybe she will. I had some short term vengeance feelings which thankfully passed. More and more the victim mindset that is ingrained in me lifts. Much remains to continue clearing.

Part of my want to recon is knowing I don't want a future relationship. Besides looks pulling me in, I've not felt attraction to someone other than my wife in a long time. Partly due to my preferences and some to do with society changing, much to do with my personality type.

Forward I go. IW if you read this, I tried EMDR and it was pretty helpful in the short term. I know you mentioned it once. Worth a try. Problem is it took my anger and love filled it in which is painful as well. Not sure which is better.

Cheers.

[Drh2001]

U thanks for checking in and May, Steve, IW and U, the feedback is helpful. IW I think youre right on how the R talks further cause a chasm.

I continue to struggle not with the reality but the principles. I only believe divorce is the answer in extreme circumstances. Since it was likely to happen either way and since I'm the bread winner, the gov I'm "married to" led me to the decision that I needed to pull the plug. I see my kids happy daily with a two parent household and I still attest that family and love are why we are here on earth. Family first, always. Having it pulled away and my part of it being pulled away I'm coming to terms with as wrong as I think it is.

I've forgiven myself. I came to terms yesterday. I didn't do anything heinous, I had a personal battle to get through and that was ok to do. My wife while affected by my anxiety and ptsd, was not a target and I did not hurt intentionally, if I truly did at all. My actions have been to preserve the M and family, with the exception of filing to cover myself. I disagree with the morality behind my filing but do agree with the need to do it for self preservation.

We are getting closer to a settlement. I am enraged over the fact that I'm likely on the hook for 19 years of child support. On top of that, I'm driven to improve and advance so as I move up in career and society, my ExW who had an affair and ruined my dreams for our family gets a better life every raise I get via child support. She is not driven and has been the type to stay in a low paying job. I get that the money should go to the kids however if 1200/month works ok today, why should she get 1600/m in two years solely because the kids should have a general standard of living at both places? The hard worker is punished. After doing the math, the payments are also way more than the actual cost to raise a child. This is looking at it as a victim I know, I just dont see the positive. My W gets a guaranteed income for 19 years that will likely grow and will generally continue even if I lose my job or cannot obtain a job of similar pay and am underemployed. She has a guaranteed income and I a guaranteed debt. The debt being longer and higher than my current mortgage. The cost of my kids right now, is about 400/m. 1200/m is asinine PLUS alimony. She will actually make more than me if she has a minimum wage job due to my payments to her. It feels like a form of slavery for me to be indebted with a woman who rejected me and my family. Not for 1 to 2 years to get her on her feet but 19 years. For her, I believe in thoughts from Sandi and others that a WW has to hit bottom to change. Well since the state will have me paying enough in child support to get a 3 br townhouse in the best neighborhood here, she'll not hit bottom and may never see growth that could help her and my kids which I'd be happy to see. I'll be forced to always bail her out, which hinders growth from us both.

My W becomes more polarized. Her disregard and disrespect for men in general seems to grow when we talk about the state of the world. I cant think of a man in her life she respects which worries me for my son. I see it alot already, she punishes some of his actions which are masculine traits seen in most boys. I will not be joining in on raising him the exact same way as my daughter. They are different and its ok to raise them differently. I am raising him and my daughter to help ensure their happiness and success. She stopped her counseling as soon as she was served so I know it was only done to give me breadcrumbs and keep me from filing, for whatever reason (s). My fondness of her took a large hit from this.

Overall, my disdain is moving from my sitch to the state. 19 years of those payments means I wont retire early and cant slowly retire through hour reduction or job status lowering for quite some time. I will be a servant to the system. I'll see my W live in luxury, probably in our house while I live in a 2 BR apartment or with my father. I make just enough to not get any assistance yet I would qualify if you consider what I earn after paying her mortgage via child support. This has me struggling on self improvement. No point earning more and getting a 2nd job if I'll owe her that much more and it'll become the new amount I have to pay for up to 19 years. It's like W is rewarded for divorcing and i am punished. I'm losing money, a friend, a wife and half my kids childhoods, she gains financially, loses half the time with the kids and gets someone who was "toxic" not just mostly out of her life but she gets to see me punished for a 3rd to a quarter of life.

Core. really sorry to hear this. I'm buying my WW out of the house but she is pressuring me to do it quicker so she can pay for her paramour to finish his basement so my two kids have a bedroom!!!

We're doing mediation and she has agreed to waive alimony as she'll be cohabiting with OM as soon as she moves out.

My kids are older than yours so I have less years to pay but it doesn't necessarily stop at 19. She can ask for more time if they go on to college. I would check what you state has to say about college.

Are you getting 50/50 joint custody? That will lower the child support somewhat. Also if you pay for their health insurance and any medical needs this helps.

I hope you get a better outcome.

[Core]

The principle behind whats happening in your case is just awful Drh. I see why some of the laws are in place but in reality if the money stayed with you, it would be for the kids and not someone else's house! In the end you cant control how she uses it and shes going to follow her wayward feelings. I hope in the end, she does have the kids in mind.

My state extends Child Support through college however I can pay it directly to the kids versus W if thats the case. I'm working on a better outcome but like a real estate deal, I trust nothing until its finalized!

[unchien]

Core ~

As a D'd friend told me: "She's divorcing you, not your money."

[Mumin]

I trust nothing until its finalized!

The only way.
I can feel my hopes going up in my process but it also makes me aware of the potential outcomes I dont want.

[Core]

Hope things go your way Mumin. U, thats a good saying.

W and I reached a settlement but its not yet signed. Now shes taking my kids on their first vacation for 9 days. I've never been away from them for even a day. She's going to a family reunion. I fear W getting the input of 20 family members and getting all kinds of expectations, killing the deal we worked hard to achieve. I've been debating telling her I'm not ok with them going but it seems wrong to do. Being nice on this could ruin me in the end. No to mention the virus risk of this gathering.

While she's gone, shes also not looking for work and of course I'm paying for the trip as the only one working. I cant wait for this to be over and finalized. No help needed here, just venting today. Users will be users.

[Core]

As I say goodbye to my kids as they leave for their first vacation away from home which I do not get to be a part of, I fill with anger and hostility for the damaged human who caused this. I think of all the other firsts I'll miss and that the kids will miss having two parents enjoy. Days on days I'll be alone while W is on her third vacation since she emotionally left the M and 2nd since asking for a D. None of which she paid for. I resent that the kids and I have to deal with her consequences.

It disgusts me that of all the things that can hurt my children in this life, she may be doing the most damage. All over feelings that churned because of miscommunications, misunderstandings and her lack of addressing her past. Its not fair and life isn't but why god lets the sinner prosper is beyond me.

This woman was all about me early on. Saved items from our dates, scrapbooked our relationship, kept all our notes. Then one day we had a disagreement, I said something harsh but not over the top and she emotionally never fully returned. The forgiveness that she supposedly follows in church isnt in her. I forgave for her part in the argument within hours.

Her family encouraged the D, her friends encouraged it. Where in this picture is anyone with decency? I see how her mom runs from emotional conversations so I see where some of this came from. I've had her family in and out of the house the last few weeks and no one says a thing. Probably better that way but I really have trouble respecting any of them.

I have a feeling I'm going to be the bitter, angry, resentful guy. Even if W wanted me back, shes not at all what I want in a mate. The first several years of our R she had a mask on. Her real interests, wants, needs, opinions differ now. She used to be responsible, take ownership, and had accountability. Those things are gone. My W truly died in a way and she was an amazing person when she was alive. We were happy, always wanted to be together, always positive, had dreams and aspirations. Now this being has no empathy or sympathy for me or my family, we can barely converse and I am stuck with this version of her for countless years longer than I had my wife.

I saw a post of Mar's thread about the benefits of moving out and on right away. Perhaps that would've been better for her and I. I think for the kids, the path I chose was best. I have many haunting memories from snooping. The woman who though I was perfect and made a picture of all our movie tickets glue together was able to dismiss me, move on like I'm nothing and told herself and others awful things. Instead of good memories of our time filling her, shes turned me in to some villian. That's sad, and common how women process divorce. I know some of this because things get around.
I sit here following the script for how men process it.

Today and the last few days Ive been despising this woman. Its a horrible feeling. She hurt me and is hurting my kids and for what. We get one life, why the F would you destroy it and destroy it for others. Life was better when I was naive to all of this.

[BL42]

Core,

Wow, that was tough to read. I can relate to everything you wrote. I know how difficult it is to watch your kids leave for vacation without you, or to drop them off at "mommy's new house" for the first time. I know all those feelings you're describing, and I'm so sorry your wife is making those decisions and that you and your wife go through all that. Hang in there.

[Core]

Thank you BL for the encouragement.

I full on broke down seeing the kids leave. I'd spent much time thinking of how the first family vacation would go. Now I dont get to experience it but I get to pay for it financially and emotionally. People have been through worse so I know I'll be ok but I'll not be ok with it.

Things my W has said "you are my everything. You are my world. Even if you get upset with me, I'd never let you divorce me. You make me the happiest person on earth. You are the love of my life". All BS.

Things my WW has said "I never loved you. You're a bad husband. You hurt me more than anyone ever has. I've always loved someone else in a first love type of way. You were never worth singing about. You betrayed me way worse than I did to you". All BS

It's like a WW is the complete opposite of the person you fell for. Kindess, caring , love, empathy, compassion accountability and ethic have become hatred, victimization, invalidation, disregard, disrespect, no accountability, poor ethic, weak morals.

As I've seen how someone can transform over what I thought was very little, I dont want any future relationships. As we've heard 100 times in other stories, I wasnt abusive, selfish, had no addictions, never yelled, knowingly hurt her emotionally just 2 times that I recall and both times were to put the kids safety ahead of hers. I literally showered her in love and affection. My biggest gripe in the M was the lack of reciprocity. When I would bring this up, she'd distance further. Must've been such a hard life having someone's seemingly unending love. Well I got to enjoy her conditional AF love. I picked wrong. I was hesitant to M and for good reason. A part of me felt the red flags but blinded to them.

You guys have so idea how physically and personally adorable these affected children are. Its a shame that in this one life, my son will never remember a peaceful two parent home. My wifes family lineage of throwing family members away continues and I hope it stops here. I pray I can do what it takes to prevent S and D from following the path and can live my families values. We have 1 known divorce in my families history and it was due to a severe mental illness. I'm now the 2nd one and the reason is....feelings? Trauma? I dont know.

If anyone who is considering getting married reads this, please fix your past as both my W and I should have done, before bringing kids in to the world.