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(((NZ))). The coldness coming from the person who once promised to love you forever is so hard. I remember being so confused by it. How could this person who promised to love me forever...who had been my best friend for yers...who I had always been 100% faithful to and supported without question...how could he be so devoid of feeling and look at me with such resentment? The answer is quite simple... He just wasn’t that person anymore. The person I married no longer existed. He had been slowly but surely detaching and moving on for years (in my sitch it was over a period of about five years before BD happened). It helped me a lot to fully recognize that. My H was long gone. This new person is a stranger to me and but for a few interactions we’ve had when I have seen glimpses of him, he Is not the person I knew. He has a new life...new loyalties... Once I was able to really see that and accept it (acceptance is a big one), detachment happened much, much quicker for me. By the time I found out about his engagement to OW, it barely even registered with me and I knew that I would be okay.

What got me there? The support of family and friends, for sure, but most importantly, coming to this board almost daily, posting, reading other’s posts and following the advice of the veterans on here. Don’t get me wrong... I wasn’t a perfect DB student. Not at all. I made plenty of mistakes. Looking back, I cringe when I read some of my earliest posts. If only I had known then what I know now. The irony is that I DID know it... I just didn’t believe it.

When others told me I would be okay, I could not imagine it. I was positive that I would never love anyone the way I loved my H. And you know what? That is probably true. I never will love anyone the way I loved my H... but that’s not because he was my one true love. It’s because the person who loved him also no longer exists. I don’t see that as a good or a bad thing...it is just the reality... and I am at peace with it. I am different.... older, wiser, stronger, and less reliant on others. I can look back on my life with XH with fondness and reminisce with my kids without being sad or upset in any way. I am happy and enjoying my life. When people told me two years ago that I would get to this place, I did NOT believe them. I was in so much emotional pain, I could not even comprehend that I wouldn’t always feel that way. But I persevered and had faith and slowly but surely I moved forward with my life and the pain subsided.

So I’m going to tell you what people told me and I know that, right now, you probably won’t believe me but that is okay. Feel what you need to feel but know that it will not always be this way. Follow the advice of the people on here. Keep taking baby steps in the right direction. You WILL get there if you do NZ. It’s not an easy process but it is a necessary one...and a valuable one. Whether you end up with saving your M or not, you will come out of this a better, stronger version of you...guaranteed. (((HUGS)))

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Thank you again Deja.

It really does help reading and listening to people on here.
I know i have made mistakes at the start and then again not that long ago but i really do feel as though i maybe turning the corner.

My week with S3 was great, concentrated on him and making our time memorable and something he always knows i'll be here.

W came pick him up yesterday, we were cordial and not a lot was said but there didn't need to be.
W gave S3 hug and he didn't reciprocate but wanted hugs from me...at the same time as saying "I want to stay with daddy" and crying, It nearly broke my heart when he said this. For staters he has always been a mommy's boy and in the past would never leave her side. I gave him hugs and told him that I love him and he would be back with me in a week. and that he should have fun at mommy's.
20 mins past and W went to the master bedroom (I am living at the family home while she lives with her mother) and got a few things from her side of the wardrobe and this struck me a while later but she found an old Halloween costume she hadn't worn in 6 years. this struck me as weird because as long as i have known my W she has always (apart from one time) avoided costume parties. We have declined going to several occasions because they were costume only.

Very strange behavior for W. but i guess, this is what they do while in WAS/WAW mode?

anyway after this myself and S3 went out side and played on the grass, 1. for me to enjoy the last few minutes with him for the next week and 2 to distract him before before getting in W car. It worked, we said our goodbyes and he seemed more relaxed.
The thing i enjoyed and was proud of was, I totally paid attention to him, W was not there as far as I was concerned. Whether she noticed i don't really care. Very happy with my detaching.

Last night i received a text from her saying that my favorite bad would be on TV. I wasn't aware of this. I text back after 30mins and said I wasn't aware they were on, thank you. W reply was no worries thumbs up emoji.
I know not to read to much into this, normally i would have text back with something like, thanks was good but i didn't, another detaching win in my books.

In other news W is still wanting to sell the house, she got a valuation last Friday and sent that through today, real estate agent told her that the garden needs updating. W hasn't said anything but i am waiting for her to ask if I will do it.

Part of me wants to say no! i don't want to sell the house but the other part of me is about the full detachment and get on with selling the house and moving on.
Any advice??

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N,

No need to respond to those types of texts that put you in the friend zone.

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Originally Posted by LH19
N,

No need to respond to those types of texts that put you in the friend zone.


Wise advice here.

INformational text need no response. Texts asking a direct question should not be answered right away (remember, you are busy GAL!), and when you do answer answer in as few words as possible. Yes or no questions get yes or no answers.

You cannot nice her back. And if you do then you risk being her BFF, as LH alluded to above.


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M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by NZkiwi
W went to the master bedroom (I am living at the family home while she lives with her mother) and got a few things from her side of the wardrobe
Make the master bed room YOURS. Respectfully move all the "Lady" items into a different area of the house. Make that bedrooms manly. Clean it. Manly bedding. Manly art on the wall. No Clutter.

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The thing i enjoyed and was proud of was, I totally paid attention to him, W was not there as far as I was concerned. Whether she noticed i don't really care.
Perfect!


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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Thanks LH/Ready/Steve.

As always your advice is helpful and taken on board.

I haven't been on for a while now. I have been trying to concentrate on myself and S3.
I have also deleted all SM.

Until recently i thought i was going well. I have been detaching from W by not responding to some txts and and to others by yes/no answers.

I also have been trying more to GAL, its slow but I'm getting there.

Today i received an email from my L advising that W had gone to a L herself to sort out finances etc, i had been waiting for this day to come but i think it hit me harder than i expected. I have a meeting with my L next week, which settled my mind a little more.

And it looks like the sale of our house isn't far away either.

It feels like W has decided to go radio silence on me, which doesn't surprise me one bit, Is this "normal" for WAW?
If so, it helps me and my detaching even more.

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It’s been 3 days I’ve been radio silence except for necessary business. Once I started down that road she followed suit. I think it’s because once you stop letting them manipulate you they stop trying. Be prepared for some testing to come up like Sandi talks about. Stay strong.


T:11
M:10
K: D5, S7
BD: 9/1/20
WW continues to break up and recon with OM.
I paid last fees and pushed the D 5/3/2021
Default Dissolution granted 8/5/21.
Glad my D was not busted.
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N,

Part of it is you see NC as a tactic to get her back. Most people get that wrong. NC is more like a boundary to protect your emotional state. We always encourage LBS to detach. That’s where your W is at right now. NC from you doesn’t bother her because she’s likely been detached from you for months if not years.

So to answer your question. Yes it’s normal.

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Originally Posted by NZkiwi
Thanks LH/Ready/Steve.

As always your advice is helpful and taken on board.

I haven't been on for a while now. I have been trying to concentrate on myself and S3.
I have also deleted all SM.

Until recently i thought i was going well. I have been detaching from W by not responding to some txts and and to others by yes/no answers.

I also have been trying more to GAL, its slow but I'm getting there.

Today i received an email from my L advising that W had gone to a L herself to sort out finances etc, i had been waiting for this day to come but i think it hit me harder than i expected. I have a meeting with my L next week, which settled my mind a little more.

And it looks like the sale of our house isn't far away either.

It feels like W has decided to go radio silence on me, which doesn't surprise me one bit, Is this "normal" for WAW?
If so, it helps me and my detaching even more.


Normal? Not sure I can go that far, but what I can say is that it is not abnormal. In other words, a lot of this depends on how dead-set on D the WAS is. Sometimes radio silence will almost immediately elicit the tests that Steve_ is referring to in his response. Sometimes it take days. Sometimes weeks. Sometimes months. More than likely she will eventually get curious and break radio silence. That there is a period of radio silence both ways is typical. That eventually, if you stay NC she will eventually make some excuse to reach out.

But as LH says, radio silence is not to try to get her to reach out. It is about you letting yourself let go and move on.


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Thanks Steve, LH and Steve_85

Thank you again for your insight, i really appreciate hearing from as many vets and people as possibe. Everyone have or has their own sitch and point of view.

I couldn't think of another word to use than "normal" it is far from normal.
NC is more for me, i used to regularly send her texts through the day just letting her know i was thinking of her. It is my way of letting myself heal.

No tests yet, and no texts either, S3 has an ear infection and had medication he had to take. W did not text once.

Had another great week with S3, We got out and about, went to the library, picked strawberries, we walked had an ice cream and generally spent a lot of time keeping busy.

Last night, as i always do, i talk to him and tell him what is happening, he loves being included and to know whats happening. anyway i told him that he was going to preschool tomorrow and that mummy would be collect him after preschool.
He got upset and said that he didn't want to go and then said something that really upset me. He said that he doesn't love mummy.

I told him that she loves him and is looking forward to seeing him. I have never said a bad word about her to him and never will.

It was then than i realized that this is affecting him more than i could imagine. It also confirmed that I need to continue to be his rock.

This morning we went to drop to preschool and he wouldn't let go of me and gave me the biggest hug ever...it makes me cry even now writing this. I told him I love him and said be good for mummy.

I continue to GAL, read the boards and go to the gym and looking at taking up a hobby. I have IC next week which i am looking forward to.

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