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kml Offline
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Do you think it’s possible your dad’s in the early stages of dementia? Mood changes and perseveration can be early signs. His depressed obsessing about his money and years left could be a sign of this - or could just be part of pre-existing self-absorption.

You sound depressed, hon - this crazy year is messing with a lot of people’s mental health. Please reach out to your doctor or therapist.

Oh - and I’ve been seeing a quote going around about how extreme independence is a trauma response.

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I am indeed very very depressed. I am on AD’s. Life is just beating my down. It’s always an uphill battle, it this time I’m not getting up the hill.

Physically, I am in the worst place of my life. I can barely walk. I will likely need a surgery on my foot and my knee. On opposite legs. It’s too much. My one outlet of exercise is like totally gone. I can’t even go for a walk. I wanted to go hiking and explore because the fall is beautiful here, and I can barely get from my bedroom to my bathroom. I’m limping and in pain. I don’t have the time or the help I need to even have these surgeries.

My daughter is completely out of control. I mean she’s been awful. Her selfishness is off the charts. She’s even selfish to her friends. The way she talks to people and has lost her manners is totally embarrassing. I’ve put some consequences out there, but they are going to have to get very serious. It’s heart breaking to watch what’s happening to her.

Ex’s wife had to take the girls to the game game tonight. They were all at my house while I was at work so they could get ready. ( I worked 11-7 today) I met them at the field. Having much one on one conversations with the wifey. More bad stuff about my ex sister in me. And how she is nasty to my daughter and criticizes her all time. She apparently told OW that my daughter isn’t active enough and she might get fat. WTF?! I would honestly kill for my daughters body at her age. It’s none of her business. So I’m stuck in a position to hear this stuff I can’t do anything about going on around my back. OW also shares about how rude my D has been. It’s just all kind of awful. Sad enough this is who I am talking about all of this to.

And at the end of the day I’ve got no support. I’m literally losing my mind. And I just need to come here and vent.

I don’t like my life. I’ve been doing nothing but trying to make it a great one, but I’m officially defeated. I give up. I’ve worked so hard for what? To be alone and in pain both physically and mentally? It’s not a way to live a life.

Some dark humor. We had a 101 year old patient. I said “ I hope I don’t live to be a 101, I’m done at 75” and I said to my coworker who witnesses the bad luck I have and I said “I’m going to live until 101 aren’t I? And she said “oh yeah, with your luck you will” and we laughed and laughed.

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Ginger,
Sorry you are feeling depressed. I am curious when was the last time you went on vacation? Being able to step away from normal routine often works wonders. Perhaps take a long weekend off from work and get out of town to the beach or a resort? Don't do anything hectic. Just get some sun, get a massage and do other things that are relaxing. More importantly, give your mind a break from everything you have been dealing with. The problems will still be there waiting for you when you get back, but taking some time to recoup will help you get stronger in facing them.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

I don’t like my life. I’ve been doing nothing but trying to make it a great one, but I’m officially defeated. I give up. I’ve worked so hard for what? To be alone and in pain both physically and mentally? It’s not a way to live a life.


There is a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson “The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”

As a nurse and first responder, especially during this pandemic, you are making a difference in people's lives. I feel that your life has great purpose and eventually karma will find a way to repay you for all the doing you are doing.

I am truly sorry you are in pain and I hope things get better soon.Stay strong in the meantime till that happens.

((hugs))

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Thank you so much, MLXer. I was telling a friend that I need a wellness retreat. I want to go to a spa resort where I get massages, lay on the beach, do yoga , mediate, SLEEP. Take care of ME and not think of all the BS.

The last vacation I had was in July 2019 with my exBF and our kids to the beach. The once after that was OCT last year for my friends wedding and she lives in FL Neither was a real vacation. First one was about making the kids happy. Which I do genuinely enjoy. The next one, was working hard to make our friends wedding wonderful. Which I also enjoyed, because I love my friend. We had some fun.

The last time anything for me? Can’t tell ya.

I did pay $2k to go in a cruise to Bermuda with my daughter and her BFF and her parents and sister. In the middle of April. Which obviously got cancelled. And I have not gotten refunded. And I will probably completely lose this 2k. That kind of money for something like a vacation is a big deal in my world.

I actually have a lot of vacation time left at work. I put in for some time. I think I’m going to take maybe a 3-4 day break just for me. My daughter will freak. She will give me the “ you are going WITHOUT me?!?” But too darned bad. She had a nice long vacation to Myrtle beach and supposedly is going to Hawaii next year.


I’ve thought about pretending to go off the wall ( probably wouldn’t be so much pretending) so I can go to one of those “recovery centers” and have my insurance pay for it. Group and individual therapy, yoga classes, nature walks, people cooking for me and cleaning up.

Sounds HEAVENLY!

Every since this all happened in my life, did decide to make my life an act of service. I figure that’s really our purpose here on earth. I have a career that is an act of service. And for a while in the beginning I felt like I was making a difference. Unfortunately these days, especially with the role I have no, people are unappreciative entitled a holes who are just abusive and demanding . Getting threatened or yelled at by a patient’s family is a daily occurrence. The nice part about COVID nursing /case management was that people stopped that. They were appreciative. Seriously, once things got better around here, they came back with a vengeance. I do still know I make a difference even if they don’t appreciate it. But I take a beating at work. As well as I do at home with my daughter.

I have been living my life as my purpose here is to raise a happy healthy daughter and a productive member of society. I take joy in that and figure it’s my purpose. But whatever is happening to her lately is disheartening. I feel like I’m failing somewhere. And I am the sole enforcer of consequences and having that very close mother/daughter relationship which comes with lots of friction too of course..... it’s really been a challenge. It takes all the energy I have in my soul which isn’t much lately. And this is while/after I deal with the other soul suckers at work.

I guess my 2 reasons for living and making my time here in earth worth it , because there isn’t much else, are really testing me right now.

Leaving me so. Drained. I guess the other hard part is I have no outlet. Everyone things I’m fun loving ginger. No one and I mean no one IRL knows what I feel like inside and you would never ever know from the outside. I still even go out and have fun when given the opportunity . It’ll be like 2 hours I can escape from reality.

I’m really going to start looking into that vacation. I don’t care if I don’t really have the money Because it’s an emergency situation. It really is. I’m going to start working on it at work today, lol

Thank you so much for that suggestion. I think it’s really important for me

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You are most welcome, Ginger. It sounds like you are overdue for a vacation focused on you. A wellness retreat sounds wonderful.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I actually have a lot of vacation time left at work. I put in for some time. I think I’m going to take maybe a 3-4 day break just for me. My daughter will freak. She will give me the “ you are going WITHOUT me?!?” But too darned bad. She had a nice long vacation to Myrtle beach and supposedly is going to Hawaii next year.
[/quote


Just as they say during the safety demonstration in flights, you need to put your mask on first before you help others. Your well being is important for you to take care of your daughter. I don't think you should feel guilty about taking some time for yourself to heal when she is with her father.

[quote=Ginger1] But whatever is happening to her lately is disheartening. I feel like I’m failing somewhere. And I am the sole enforcer of consequences and having that very close mother/daughter relationship which comes with lots of friction too of course..... it’s really been a challenge.


Your daughter is growing up and is likely to assert a need for more independence as a teenager. The harder you hold the rope, the more she may rebel. Perhaps give her a little more space and cut her some slack on minor things that are not serious? I don't know if this is the case but I would encourage you to think about whether you are giving your daughter the space she needs or if you are struggling with a loss of control as she transitions from the little girl, whose life revolved around you, to a teenager.

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Is your daughter home alone all day doing remote learning, or has her school opened up now? If she’s home alone, what do you have in place to make sure she’s not getting into trouble? Parental controls or tracking on the computer to make sure she’s not being targeted by creeps? Nanny cam? I don’t want to sound paranoid - most likely this is just ordinary teen angst and separation from the same sex parent - but a change in behavior in a teen always warrants investigation (says the mother of a teen who developed anorexia/bulimia around this age).

kml #2904645 09/28/20 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
If she’s home alone, what do you have in place to make sure she’s not getting into trouble?
My daughter did some pretty risky things online that we had to deal with. She was not happy at all when Dad found out the explicit conversations she was having. Lots of creepy guys trying to get her on webcam and one even called the house. For some reason she didn't think that Dad would be able to easily find the log files when he got concerned about the amount of late night / closed door internet activity she was doing.

I don't know if she thought it was innocent fun or not but we had quite the talk about it. After that she got a lot more careful to be sure that I couldn't track her online activities. And I like to think was more aware of the risks and took less. She turned out well but it was a challenging time for her mother and I.

It's easy for a kid to view it as innocent fun but it's not. And that was over 10 years ago. I'm sure things have gotten a lot more scary since then.


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Ginger1 Offline OP
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I work 5 minutes away from home and she is very serious about school. School is live streamed and she needs to be present. And I will what if she is not. We FaceTime multiple times throughout the day and I have no worries there.

She is very innocent in many ways. I check all her devices, and she is legit doing school all day. I hear from her on every break and lunch. I am thankful for the fact she does handle all of that very well and her grades are all 100%

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I have a few minutes for a real update as I’m waiting in the ortho office.

Sunday my ex and I had an exchange and he and everyone basically is noticing her behavior. It just had to be addressed. My ex was actually reasonably, validating and nice with me about it and he told me he understands km the one who mostly deals with it.

I got home from work Sunday night and D and I had a talk. And it went awful at first. She was crying and hyperventilating and shaking. She can’t handle anything negative being said about her. And trust me, I took the right approach to it, I made sure, because I know how sensitive she is. Well, after I thought we might have to both get a psych evaluation , everything calmed down and it went really well. And for at least the pst day and a half I have been seeing my old D13 and she’s reclaimed her manners, is more helpful, laughing, talking, ect.

While she didn’t say anything was bothering her, she did mention some stuff like how she doesn’t see her stepmother as a parent and she’s just another person in her life. I told her either way she is an adult, you live you under her roof, she does love you , and you have to respect her. She did mention her dad can still be kind of mean and never talks to her the way I have had this conversation with her. Interesting enough she says she thinks he has no feelings because she’s never seen him cry. And I explained that men are raised to hide their feelings sadly enough and that crying isn’t “manly” but I assured her that’s not the case.

I am going to get her a therapist, although I called a group in town under her insurance and every last therapist is totally booked. Apparently that business is booming. But I will find one. But she seems so much lighter, sweeter, not so b!tchy since we had that talk. The attitude is gone, we laugh together, we lay together in her bed and talk about school. I’m off today and when I left the house for an appt, she got up from her class and gave me a kiss and a hug goodbye.

I’m hoping this continues and I hope to keep everything back on track.

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(((((((G))))))))))

I don't know, but after reading your last few posts, it just felt like a hug was in order. While I don't negate the validity and seriousness of the sexual predation issue online that both kml and Andrew raised, I can't help but wonder if all of this is just a case of extreme teenager-it is, mixed in with the weird uncertainty of all things Covid.

You are an awesome mom. Little G's dad is her dad. He may not be the best dad in the world, but he loves her and hopefully she knows that. I think that her stepmom loves her too, based on things you say. Our oldest daughter went through a rough, rebellious patch and she went from being the sweet, quiet, down to earth kid she always was to rebelling against her mother because her mother put her in the spot of parenting her 2 younger sisters 99% of the time. Oldest daughter started acting out, talking to older boys, even tried running off with one. Fortunately, XH was smart enough to intervene and I stayed out of it mostly, since we weren't even married yet. But, as OD worked through her demons, with the help of trusted family advisors and her dad, she came back to herself and kind of settled back into a "normal" routine. It was a rough 6 months or so, but she got past it. Our other 2 daughters had similar short spans of rebellion but pretty much went back to normal once they worked through their stuff. Get her counseling, keep talking to her, whatever you have to do to help her work through whatever is going on in her head. I can't tell you how many tear-filled conversations I had with my girls, crying over the fact that their mother chose a man over them, which was exacerbating their underlying drama. She just needs to know that someone is listening to her and validating her and she'll find her stride again.

In my own experience, there were times when I really wanted to throw my hands up, but I hung in there with them and we all got back on track. I think being a teenager is just a hard thing and harder for some than others. It most certainly can't be any easier with all of the current situations in our world.

Hang in there, G. Seriously, you are amazing. Little G is a good kid and she's growing up. There is bound to be some drama, head-butting, and other miscellaneous power struggles as she tries to figure out her own way in life. I think kml or someone else said it before in a post, but you will be amazed when little G gets to about 20-ish and you all of a sudden become the wise woman in her life once again. It happens EVERY TIME. You got this, girl! wink


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Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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