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Originally Posted by Mar252
I just noticed the thread created by Wonka In the welcome post.

Plus their are some other links in that thread.


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Originally Posted by Mar252


Originally Posted by Valeska19
I saw that in your post that you "definitely" know w is in an EA with OW. Is this because you are snooping, recording her again or do you just have that gut feeling? If you are snooping... stop. The reality is that you can't control what your wife does. You can't control who she talks to. You can certainly ask... which you did and she said no... so now what? What are your boundaries around this issue?


Valeska19 - Thank you so much for your response. I occasionally look at the phone bill, but you are right I need to stop. It does me no good. Honestly there is no need to. I've known my W for 25 yrs and I know in my heart and soul that she is still lying to me. You are absolutely on point when you mention boundaries. My lack of adequate boundaries over the
course of our entire R has been the core issue of most of our disagreements. I believe this is my primary problem. I need more guidance to learn how to develop them appropriately.


I think your gut is probably right. So just assume it so and stop looking. I know for me personally, I am always perplexed by the lesbian community over their need to be friends with their exes. I haven't spoken to my XW in over 6 years. I plan on keeping it that way.

I think the temptation you are going to have right now is to set a deal breaker boundary.. because of the pain you are experiencing. A "Either she's out or I'm out" mentality. I want to caution you and advise against this unless you are 100% okay with the possibility of losing your marriage. Because there is a good chance your w won't come back and you will have to be okay with that.

Now I'm not saying that an affair is right. There is never any justification for that however I do know that it takes two to tango so they say. A marriage doesn't just breakdown on it's own.

So back to these 180's - what are they?

Also - I'm a big fan of IC to address childhood issues. Dealing with self only makes one better at relationships.


M(f): 40
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Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

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Reached out to a new IC today. Really need to talk to someone.

My W comes home from work today and announces that she is taking a trip to Cancun next April for a retreat with one of her workout groups. I asked if she planned on going by herself and she responds, “yeah, what’s wrong with that”. I just looked at her and said, “nothing, I’m sure you’ll have a good time”. I am seething, I would never consider going to a resort like that without her and of course I wonder if she will actually be alone. Just this month she went away for the weekend claiming that she needed time alone. I am 85% certain that the OW was with her. I have no proof but she was just acting weird each time she phoned me.

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Originally Posted by Valeska19
I think the temptation you are going to have right now is to set a deal breaker boundary.. because of the pain you are experiencing. A "Either she's out or I'm out" mentality. I want to caution you and advise against this unless you are 100% okay with the possibility of losing your marriage. Because there is a good chance your w won't come back and you will have to be okay with that


You are absolutely on point. This is exactly the sentiment I am grappling with. I can’t fathom losing my wife but I also can’t continue living like this. I definitely feel like I am at a crossroad.


You are correct, the marriage did not breakdown on its own. Prior to the A we were in MC addressing our issues. I thought we were making significant progress then I get blindsided with the A.

My immediate 180 - Stop the R talks. Stop reaching out to her looking for her attention and affection. Dressing up to make myself feel more attractive (been working from home for months and no need to wear anything but sweats). GAL - I have been taking more drives over the past month just to get away. Start going back to the gym.

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You're T sounds just awful. Making a bad situation, worse. Reminds me of mine. I can imagine it was a new level of frustrating talking about the affair in the first session you brought it up. You're not alone. I got W to go to one session with me and when I brought up the affair, my W brought up my reaction of when I found out which was me saying it wouldve been easier to have her not come home and me finding out...and the T told her it was awful. They then talked about something else and the light was away from the affair.

You're in the middle of the worst manipulation and gaslighting you'll see and its not easy. Time is a gift that'll help you no matter what if you put the time to good use.

Boundaries by Henry Cloud is a good book on boundaries.

You dont have to immediately do anything. Take the pressure off yourself and figure out what you want to do. Dont tell her what it is, just do it once you know.

Any changes you make must be ones you want. You may be clouded for awhile and convince yourself to change on something that she wanted, not you.

She's going through her own issues and its not anything you can change. You can change you and she may like that new you or not. You may change and not want the old her. Thats ok too. Some people get through infidelity and some cant. Decide if you can, and take your time deciding.

Last edited by Core; 09/29/20 02:12 AM.

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Hi Core. Thank you for the response. Yes, I feel like our therapist helped put the last nail into our coffin. We had been in MC for over a year when I brought them definitive proof of the affair. My wife was adamant that it wasn’t physical. She only admitted to acting inappropriately, getting caught up emotionally and going a bit too far. She never defined was a “ bit too far” entailed. The T allowed her to leave it at that. No discussion about all the lies to me at home or during therapy, no discussion of the impact on our relationship, it was all about me accepting that my W made a mistake and forgiving. It also included accepting the fact that my W insisted on remaining friends with the OW.

When I refused to do a any of these things without an honest accounting of my W actions the T started focusing on me being depressed and unable to move on. It seemed that every sessions afterwards was centered on me getting beyond my depression and suggesting I go on medication. I finally gave up and quit therapy.

Since then my W and I have drifted further apart. She brought up S and possible D this weekend. I am a mess. Can’t sleep. It is almost 4:00 AM and I am wide awake lying on the couch at the moment. I developed an ulcer sometime last year right in the middle of all of this and it has been acting up the past few days. Started taking my medication again 2 days ago. I thought it was healed.

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Originally Posted by Mar252

Since then my W and I have drifted further apart. She brought up S and possible D this weekend. I am a mess. Can’t sleep. It is almost 4:00 AM and I am wide awake lying on the couch at the moment. I developed an ulcer sometime last year right in the middle of all of this and it has been acting up the past few days. Started taking my medication again 2 days ago. I thought it was healed.


Please take care of your self - stress is huge during this time and it will make anything that is wrong with you much worse.

Sleep, eat and try to breathe.

Look into some over the counter things that can relieve stress.

I personally took something called rescue remedy.


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Mar,
Your counselor sounds so much like mine. The T and my W both stated my anxiety was the main problem. Now yes it certainly was a problem and it was MY main problem but it wasnt the only one. If I fixed the anxiety or if you didn't have any in the first place, we don't know if things would be any different. The focus shifted to me every session. I left unheard and W left validated and progressively worse.

We know your pain all to well. I'm almost a year in and couldn't sleep last night as well. First night in awhile though. You'll hear 100 times that it gets better. It does, really slowly. Exercise was huge for me, along with IC, CBD oil, these forums and a couple close contacts. The same may help you as well. To say this is hard is an understatement. Your W had the opportunity to slowly disengage from the M while you got hit all at once.

The hard truth and one many of us still face whether reconciled or not, is lack of accountability in the WW/WAS. A heart felt apology, acknowledgement would feel wonderful. We often won't see it.

You'll get through this. Keep coming to the board as you need it.


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Core,

Thank you so much. I really appreciate the support. I just began reading your sitch. It is crazy how so many WW/Was behave the same. Sending you all my best.

I think my W will ultimately choose to end our M. I know she is conflicted because she fundamentally does not believe in D. I think that is the only reason our S hasn’t happened yet. Not because she wants to stay in this marriage but because the idea of D is contrary to her core values. She is totally distant and disconnected. I really did all the wrong things, pushing, begging, pleading, pressuring. I know I ultimately pushed her further away.

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Originally Posted by Mar252
It is crazy how so many WW/Was behave the same.

Indeed. "The script" is real. It's incredible how similar so many of these stories are.

Originally Posted by Mar252
I think my W will ultimately choose to end our M. I know she is conflicted because she fundamentally does not believe in D. I think that is the only reason our S hasn’t happened yet. Not because she wants to stay in this marriage but because the idea of D is contrary to her core values. She is totally distant and disconnected.

Could be, but maybe not. I think my W will go through with the divorce as well, but neither of us know for certain what will happen.

Originally Posted by Mar252
I really did all the wrong things, pushing, begging, pleading, pressuring. I know I ultimately pushed her further away.

Don't blame yourself for doing those things! You did them out of a desire to save your marriage with the best of intentions. All you can do now is use the knowledge and insight you've gained here and other places to make the best decisions going forward.

Last edited by BL42; 09/29/20 04:22 PM.

Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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