WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (2)

[BL42]

Previous thread: WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Don't Want Divorce (1)

Summary:

W & I have been together 9 years, married 7. We have a son who turned 5 in March (a month after Bomb Day) and a daughter who just turned 2 last week. We didn't have a perfect marriage - disagreed on kids' nutrition & screen time and purchases at times, but did not have any major issues which we couldn't work through and would constitute divorce (or so I thought). I don't do drugs, not an alcoholic, have a very good career, am a very wonderful and involved father, and a pretty good husband (or so I thought). I've never cheated, never abusive emotionally (though now says I did) or physically...etc.

In early January W starts a new job/role with her employer, going from part-time to full-time (plus OT). A few weeks later we have a good time on a Disney vacation with two other families. Shortly after we return she starts acting odd/short/mean. Bomb Day just three weeks later in mid-February (7.5 months ago now). I immediately suspect something is up and confirm EA/PA with co-worker in late February / early March (later find out he's married 15 years with 3 young daughters). Immediately after BD W leaves martial bedroom effectively creating an in-house separation and I make all the mistakes: telling her how much I care, buying gifts, sending her pictures of memories, pleading...etc. I cut that out and give her space for awhile but bring up R talks and confront more about affair every few weeks (roughly March - May). We go to a few virtual marriage counseling sessions in May and she finally admits the affair but a week or so later I confront her over a burner phone I found in her car and she says "that's it, I'm done". She plans to move out to her mother's house at the end of June after her work hours change and tell the kids, but agrees to wait until August to have the kids start splitting time and tell them when our tenants move out of our other house.

The first weekend in July she tells the kids without me present (despite agreeing many times we should have that talk together including during a counseling session we had on "how to tell the kids" ). Rational or not, this angers me more than even the affair because it's specifically a decision about the kids, and I think the LBS fog clears a bit because I'm starting to see things differently. I found this site in June and started DB'ing. We each take the kids separately to our own respective family's vacations, and I have to drop off the kids at "mommy's new house" for the first time in August, which of course I have a breakdown in the car afterwards. We're splitting the kids 50/50 in verbal agreement (nothing officially signed yet), though in practice I end up having them more days and nights per month because on W's work and social schedule (which I'm completely fine with).

I've been practicing the DB'ing rules for 2-3 months now. I have very little contact with W, unless it's about kids or finances and via email (or occasional text). I'm feeling much better in August-Sept than I was in Feb-June, mostly up but still some downs. When I have the kids I'm 100% tuned into them and when i don't I've been fixing up things around the house, golfing and going out with friends, bought a new vehicle, coaching S5's soccer team and walking him to/from school, exercising a bit, going to regular individual counseling sessions, interacting with people here...etc. So overall much better last 2-3 months than first 4-5 months.

Some significant updates this week in the following posts...

[BL42]

Unfortunately there were some "down" moments this week...

In my previous thread I mentioned some back and forth texts with the W when she texted me the night before telling (not asking) me there would be a change to our agreed upon schedule. I pushed back a bit but she held her ground but I couldn't do anything about it really, so I let it go after a few texts and stopped engaging.

The next day was my dinner evening with the kids on my "OFF" week. W texts me to say she can drop off D2 or I can pick her up, let her know, so after W and my IC appt I text W to say I'm on my way to pick her up and drove over to her house to pick up D2 from D2's great grandmother (84yo) as I've done before. It was completely cordial, and I explained in case W told her there was a disagreement it had nothing to do with her, that I have no issue with her and just objected to the last minute/unilateral change. I left thinking everything was fine. My mom also had a phone call with great grandma essentially saying the same thing. I did not touch or so much as raise my voice, and we had a civil conversation. There we no indications of any problem.

48 hours later I'm out for dinner and drinks with friends and receive 5 calls on my phone from a number I don't recognize, so assume it's spam, but eventually a voicemail pops up. It's a 2 minute message from W's great grandmother about "how could I do such a thing", "you sacred me half to death and I could've had a stroke or a heart attack", and "I didn't call the police but I should've"...etc, etc. Now this is a woman who loved and thought very highly of me and my family - I'd walk her arm in arm down stairs and to her car even the one time I saw her during sitch.

I also received a follow up email from my wife about how I'm not supposed to come over unannounced and uninvited (it wasn't either - it was my night and my W & I had texted about picking up D2.

I've saved the voicemail and written up what happened and sent to L to make sure I'm covered as much as I can legally, and informed my family of the situation and asked them not to reach out to W, W's mom, or W's grandmother, but I'm concerned this may escalate into something bad.

[BL42]

The second notable item from the week is...

It's come to my attention there is good reason to believe W is onto OM2. It's amazing how other sitches and experience people on this forum can predict what will happen. I did not seek this information out. I've not been snooping and have done fairly week over the last two months of detaching (no drive-bys, digging up info on social media...etc.). But as I was relaying information to my FIL and SMIL about the child care schedule and situation with W's grandma, they hesitantly brought up the topic and asked if I thought affair with OM1 was still on-going. I didn't know but thought probably. They said they're not so sure because a few interactions and things they've noticed would indicate she's now hooking up with the brother of her good friend.

Anyway, this news did hit me a little bit though more from the perspective of "great, my kids are around this guy" so I broke down a little and snooped on social media. He's 38 and single with a mediocre job and I believe living with his mom. He's a bit of a gym rat (protein shakes, gym two times a day)/motorcycle & truck/no relationships kind of guy, and posts check-ins at strip clubs and trashy things on Facebook. Very different than me (as was OM1).

I didn't sleep very well this weekend. I'm concerned about my W and him hanging out with the kids, but don't think there's anything I can do about it. It upsets me to think I'll have no input into my children's "other" father figure(s) for the next 20 years.

[BL42]

Finally...it came to my attention this week that people at my W's work are VERY aware of her activities with AP/OM1. Again, I wasn't seeking this information our and it wasn't my doing they know, but a good number of people have noticed and it's not reflecting well on her or her future career there. Nothing that really changes anything for me, but it was a bit of a schadenfreude moment. I guess there's a part of me that is glad W's behavior has some repercussions and isn't just leading to a fairytale ending.

[ovrrnbw]

Hey BL.

Don't let that stuff get to you. Expect the worst and hope for the best. Stick to the schedule for now and tell everyone thank you but no thank you in regards to keeping up with your WW.

Focus on something you can control and invest your energy into an area that can provide a return.

[BL42]

ovrrnbw - Thanks for weighing in. I'll try. Just seemed like a crazy week.

All - Other comments/advice? Thought these three happenings from last week might generate more feedback (or maybe these are relatively vanilla?):

• W unilaterally changes agreed upon schedule at last minute, leading to text exchange disagreements
• Completely civil conversation with W's grandma (who used to love and think very highly of me and my family) at D2 exchange the next day somehow turns into to a voicemail from her 48 hours later with a threat to call the police
• Unsolicited information leads to a strong indication there's an OM2 now in the picture (affair with OM1 done?), likely hanging out with children

[LH19]

B,

Point one you need to stand your ground and remind her of the agreement in place.

Point two. Blood is thicker then water. Not much you can do about it.

Point three. Not surprising at all. Affairs are just a symptom of a deeply rooted issue. As for hanging out around your kids, unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it unless your kids lives are in danger.

I'm sorry.

[Core]

Hey BL,

I'm behind on your sitch but wanted to chime in on recent events.

The VM from GIL is peculiar. I would think she's heard some awful things about you during this process and is trusting her family that all is true. Documenting this was helpful. It's awful and it does sound best to keep distance from her until some time passes. Especially while Ding to keep it low conflict. Sorry you are losing not just W but the in laws that you've bonded with.

With how much your W was in to "Mr Perfect", its shocking there could be OM2 but I'm not surprised after reading the boards. OM2 may be someone she's lining up to take OM1s place if it dont work out. After all, how can she trust a cheater. Being around your kids is another thing. What Ovr mentioned comes to mind....you control what you can. In the divorce you can mention you dont want the kids introduced to a new person for a set amount of time however my understanding is no one enforces it. I feel your pain on this one. What you can do is work on yourself. You're likely clouded with feelings about his character. I would be too. As an outsider, he sounds to me like an already divorced guys guy, not looking for commitment. Gosh, I may be a guy living at my dads, going to strip clubs after this dry spell.

No one will replace you as dad unless you let them. You'll always be dad to the kids. I equally am disgusted at the thought of someone else raising my kids. Something that helped and hurt me is the likelihood of anyone sticking around for awhile is slim. I dont know whats worse, multiple step dads, or one that stays. Ideally none but thats where you come in...create stability for those kids.

[BL42]

LH19,

Point one you need to stand your ground and remind her of the agreement in place.

Will do. I'm not just giving in.

Point two. Blood is thicker then water. Not much you can do about it.

You're right, just crazy to me how I went from "best grandson ever" to a threat to call police for picking up my daughter. I've read about Ds escalating needlessly and it seems to be happening in my sitch.

Point three. Not surprising at all. Affairs are just a symptom of a deeply rooted issue. As for hanging out around your kids, unfortunately there is nothing you can do about it unless your kids lives are in danger.

I'm sorry.

I've read about the likelihood of OM2 in this forum but it still threw me a bit in my sitch. I wasn't seeking out the info, it came to me without prompting, but made me question things a bit as to my part in all of this versus whether those deeply rooted issues were more on my W's teenage sitch with her parents' D. I wasn't perfect, but didn't do anything to deserve all this.

[BL42]

Core,

I'm behind on your sitch but wanted to chime in on recent events.

Thanks for weighing in. I've been reading your sitch as well. Sorry for all you're going through.

The VM from GIL is peculiar. I would think she's heard some awful things about you during this process and is trusting her family that all is true. Documenting this was helpful. It's awful and it does sound best to keep distance from her until some time passes. Especially while Ding to keep it low conflict. Sorry you are losing not just W but the in laws that you've bonded with.

I documented it and sent it to L, but I agree it's peculiar. I'm not exaggerating when I say she LOVED me and me family, perhaps more than her own - so to get threats about police a few days later when there was absolutely nothing I did to prompt that and things were completely civil seems so bizarre. Makes me wonder if she was coached after the fact.

With how much your W was in to "Mr Perfect", its shocking there could be OM2 but I'm not surprised after reading the boards. OM2 may be someone she's lining up to take OM1s place if it dont work out. After all, how can she trust a cheater. Being around your kids is another thing. What Ovr mentioned comes to mind....you control what you can. In the divorce you can mention you dont want the kids introduced to a new person for a set amount of time however my understanding is no one enforces it. I feel your pain on this one. What you can do is work on yourself. You're likely clouded with feelings about his character. I would be too. As an outsider, he sounds to me like an already divorced guys guy, not looking for commitment. Gosh, I may be a guy living at my dads, going to strip clubs after this dry spell.

The conversations between W and AP/OM1 were fanciful. Just a few months ago they were "each other's one and only person", "no one ever loved them for themselves", and they had dreams of when they could D and live together with the kids playing in the yard. When their employer and both spouses found out I guess things changed. The existence of OM2 has made me question myself all over again - even when OM1 may be out of the picture she's still seeking out others and not me, and people who are drastically different.

No one will replace you as dad unless you let them. You'll always be dad to the kids. I equally am disgusted at the thought of someone else raising my kids. Something that helped and hurt me is the likelihood of anyone sticking around for awhile is slim. I dont know whats worse, multiple step dads, or one that stays. Ideally none but thats where you come in...create stability for those kids.

Thanks, will do. I've put so much focus on the kids over the last 8 months. I'm doing everything I can to see them as much as I can and make sure they know they're loved. It's quite possible, even likely, she won't be happy with OM1 and he won't last. Just hate the idea of him being an influence on the kids and the potential instability for them.