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Core #2903974 09/16/20 06:23 PM
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Core,

the child support thing is out of your control. Her hitting rock bottom is out of your control. The challenge in life is being indifferent towards indifferent things so that you can direct your energy to things within your control and live a morally sound life. Put that energy into your job or children where it is a sound investment.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Core #2904060 09/17/20 05:16 PM
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Oh my gosh Core, that is INSANE!!! Are you in the US? If so, what state? That really blows my mind, that sounds extremely archaic, like a leftover from the old days when men worked and women stayed at home. Texas doesn't even have alimony, and the child support is usually pretty evenly split. Very sorry you're getting hit with that, it really does sound very unfair. But like ovr said, what choice do you have but to accept the things you can't control and move on with your life. If it's any consolation I doubt your money will improve her quality of life. She's still going to be a miserable cheater no matter how much money the courts force you to throw at her.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
Core #2904610 09/28/20 11:52 AM
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Quick update here, as far as the D, we've come to terms and are ready to settle. I'm sure she'll change her mind but I have hope for the settlement as I'm giving up a vehicle in lieu of child support, keeping the state out of things. Not sure what can all be written in to law.

She's asking we combine holidays birthdays etc. Says even if were dating others that she's ok with all gathering. If I were dating someone else, she'd like to get close to them since they'd be around the kids often and even have then join shared Christmas. This is to me messed up on countless levels. This woman must've never actually loved me. Clearly has no respect and is living a fantasy. Why would I bring someone around my adulterous ExW? I'm not going to be buddy buddy with any new man in her life, especially if its the one who walked in to my marriage.

I'm still getting over the fact that my long time friend/partner/wife/soulmate had an affair. I was ready to spend this life and the next with her if there was one. Counseling is helping but I think I'm going to carry the burden for my shortened from stress, life.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2904620 09/28/20 12:51 PM
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Core,

Originally Posted by Core
I am enraged over the fact that I'm likely on the hook for 19 years of child support. On top of that, I'm driven to improve and advance so as I move up in career and society, my ExW who had an affair and ruined my dreams for our family gets a better life every raise I get via child support. She is not driven and has been the type to stay in a low paying job. I get that the money should go to the kids however if 1200/month works ok today, why should she get 1600/m in two years solely because the kids should have a general standard of living at both places? The hard worker is punished. After doing the math, the payments are also way more than the actual cost to raise a child. This is looking at it as a victim I know, I just dont see the positive. My W gets a guaranteed income for 19 years that will likely grow and will generally continue even if I lose my job or cannot obtain a job of similar pay and am underemployed. She has a guaranteed income and I a guaranteed debt. The debt being longer and higher than my current mortgage. The cost of my kids right now, is about 400/m. 1200/m is asinine PLUS alimony. She will actually make more than me if she has a minimum wage job due to my payments to her. It feels like a form of slavery for me to be indebted with a woman who rejected me and my family. Not for 1 to 2 years to get her on her feet but 19 years. For her, I believe in thoughts from Sandi and others that a WW has to hit bottom to change. Well since the state will have me paying enough in child support to get a 3 br townhouse in the best neighborhood here, she'll not hit bottom and may never see growth that could help her and my kids which I'd be happy to see. I'll be forced to always bail her out, which hinders growth from us both.

Wow, do I empathize with you. I have S5 and D2, so also have 19 years of child support despite my W having an affair and breaking up our family. We both share the kids 50/50 in agreement (though in practice I've actually had them more nights and days in the last few months) and yet in my state if it's 50/50 the lower earner is considered the custodial parent in terms of child support and there is no distinction in the statute scaling the amount based on time with the kids, so if it's 50/50 or 80/20 you can pay the same amount. It seems ridiculous. Paying $1500/month when I'm actually watching the kids more. I'm still buying groceries, clothes...etc for the kids.

Sorry man. It [censored], I know. But to ovrrnbw's point it's out of our control - nothing we can do about it.

Originally Posted by Core
My W becomes more polarized. Her disregard and disrespect for men in general seems to grow when we talk about the state of the world. I cant think of a man in her life she respects which worries me for my son.

I just had a conversation yesterday with my parents about respect. Looking back on it I've seen disrespect from my W to many people, including her own family members (though not necessarily men vs. women). Maybe not egregious, but perhaps red flags I should've noticed. When you're on her good side you feel like her best friend, but when she shuts you out (not just me but anyone) you're completely cut off and disrespected. Apparently she's been disrespected me behind my back for quite some time and I was unaware. This forum talks a lot about respect and that's one of the traits I'm going to look at specifically in future relationships.

Originally Posted by Core
Overall, my disdain is moving from my sitch to the state. 19 years of those payments means I wont retire early and cant slowly retire through hour reduction or job status lowering for quite some time. I will be a servant to the system.

As I said above, I hear you. It's a ridiculous system. Sorry.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Core #2904621 09/28/20 12:52 PM
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Originally Posted by Core
I'm still getting over the fact that my long time friend/partner/wife/soulmate had an affair. I was ready to spend this life and the next with her if there was one. Counseling is helping but I think I'm going to carry the burden for my shortened from stress, life.

Yeah...it's tough. Hang in there.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Core #2904659 09/28/20 04:44 PM
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Originally Posted by Core
She's asking we combine holidays birthdays etc. Says even if were dating others that she's ok with all gathering. If I were dating someone else, she'd like to get close to them since they'd be around the kids often and even have then join shared Christmas. This is to me messed up on countless levels. This woman must've never actually loved me. Clearly has no respect and is living a fantasy. Why would I bring someone around my adulterous ExW? I'm not going to be buddy buddy with any new man in her life, especially if its the one who walked in to my marriage.

This is certainly a bizarre request. Are you saying she is not willing to memorialize a holiday schedule because she assumes you will share holidays?

Core #2904671 09/28/20 06:18 PM
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I think that is a strange request too. I'd say no, or say let's leave that as TBD b/c I just need time to get through this emotionally and then we'll plan holidays. Try to garner a little sympathy but nothing over the top.

There's no chance I'd actually do that though!


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Core #2904684 09/28/20 08:29 PM
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Such a mind F. I was dumb last night and told her during a chat we had about splitting furniture, (not an R chat) that I'm asking for a little bit more because I have to deal with the betrayal for the rest of my life. She told me she didnt want any of this either and that I betrayed her worse than she did to me. I dont understand how thats possible. What did I do that was so bad? I know no one here has the answer. I've reflected on everything for over a year and see no big betrayal. Some arguments but never yelling on my end, nor name calling. I think the worst I did was tell her not to come home one time in the heat of the moment.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Core #2904685 09/28/20 08:36 PM
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My W is mad at me for betraying her trust because I looked at her phone...to confirm she was having an affair with a married co-worker IN the office! It's complete BS. They're just trying to justify their behavior and make what they're doing alright in their minds. Doesn't help the actual situation you're in but keep telling yourself she's in the wrong, not you...because IT'S NOT YOU!


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
Core #2904700 09/28/20 11:31 PM
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Sorry you're dealing with this, Core.

It [censored]. There's no two ways about it.

Leave W to her chaos. Don't get involved in ridiculous ideas for co-birthdays.

I would say "we'll see what happens". Its non-committal and kind without being defensive or binding.
Remember - you cannot understand illogical thinking using logic.

Rise above. Be the light. Turn the other cheek. Be AMOAFWL.

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