Finding the man I want to be, alone. Pack_19 part3

[Mumin]

Quick response. But important!

It is very hard to walk away because when I do she spits out more fire and threats

You dont have to (and shouldnt be) taking ANY fire and threats from W. NONE!
Read Sandis list and boundaries threads again.
Read No more mr nice guy.

- W, I wont take this kind of treatment. IF you have something to say you can send it on FB/sms/postal etc
(Turning away from W not to look at her again that day)
- Kids I love you and will miss you but I have to go now. Have fun with mommy. Bye.

[Pack_19]

DBing is about getting past your feelings. Your feelings will deceive you and make you do things you think you should, but are actually detrimental. For instance, you say:

"My biggest mistakes with W were in not being there for her all the times she tried to tell me how she was struggling and putting myself on her shoes, I am trying to do that now. "

This is a good learning, and definitely an opportunity for a 180. BUT, this is not something you should be trying to do with your WAW right now. Lots of LBSs get trapped by this. DBing says, let her go. Move on. GAL. 180 on bad behavior and detach. But because the main complaint from the WAS is "you weren't there for me", we throw aside DBing principles and pursue, pressure, and smother the WAS which drives them faster and further away.

I like to use the analogy of someone trying to feed you after you've just stuffed yourself. "No thanks I just ate." Oh come on! There is room for more! "No really, I am stuffed, I couldn't possibly eat another bite." But I made this just for you, just a small serving!

That's annoying isn't it? But that is exactly what LBSs do to their WAS. WAS: "I am full of you and don't want anymore." LBS: "But here! Let's do this, let's go here. Let's discuss things. Can I get you anything? Here is a present! Talk to me! LET ME GIVE YOU MY ATTENTION!"

Same dynamic.

Hi Steve! Thanks for following up with me! It is indeed very hard to avoid those Mr fixer thoughts and impulses to show the 180 in a R, when the truth is there is no such R. I have been thinking a lot about redirecting myself towards inner improvements, remove all pressure and pursuit and fix the problems in me that let them happen at the same time that I give her the space and time needed.

I am also becoming more and more hopeless as time goes by and I think we have been living S for almost a year now. I know I shouldn't look at the clock, but focus on my changes and GAL but it is very hard to avoid these thoughts. Maybe a big 180 for me can be to switch them for patience, as you say, as long as I am breathing I have time to change and improve.

Doing nothing always feels counter-intuitive to what we "feel" we should do. The best course of action in regards to our WAS is usually doing nothing. They expect us to pressure and pursue. They've girded up their loins to fend it off. BD was not an over night decision, it took long months, even years, of realizing that they were going to hurt you by destroying your world, but once they've gotten past that then their capacity to continue to hurt you is off the chart. The goal for the LBS is to not give them anymore opportunities to hurt you. You accomplish that by not pressuring and pursuing at all. And you accomplish that by doing nothing.

It isn't giving up. It is giving them what they've asked for.

"giving them what they've asked for", true love, not the selfish and childish behavior I have shown. I am going to hit the gym now and later today will go out with some friends. I took the kids yesterday to have pancakes in the afternoon and we had great fun. When I returned the kids I said goodnight and walked away. Then I went for a run, I had so much pain in my head I smashed my 10 km PR again. The days go by, I am doing nothing regarding my MR, letting pain and panic invade my body and run through it and working on GAL and inner changes.

Thanks a lot Steve, how noble to be able to move pass the pain a WAW causes, forgive yourself for the one you caused, and actually use that pain as fuel to let her go and catapult your changes to be the best you can be. I hope I can be there one day.



@Mumin

Read Sandis list and boundaries threads again.
Read No more mr nice guy.

Hi Mumin, consider this done. One of my biggest goals for these days to calm down and do nothing is to go back to my books.

[SteveLW]

I am also becoming more and more hopeless as time goes by and I think we have been living S for almost a year now. I know I shouldn't look at the clock, but focus on my changes and GAL but it is very hard to avoid these thoughts. Maybe a big 180 for me can be to switch them for patience, as you say, as long as I am breathing I have time to change and improve.

Pack, I am a little different from some other folks on the board. I think one of the big struggles of LBSs stuck in limbo is the open-ended nature of limbo. I think those of us that were older LBSs see that life is short, and wasting too much time waiting for someone that may never ever come around is not acceptable. So I advocate that LBSs set a drop-dead date. If the WAS is not fully committed back and working on the marriage by X date, then the LBS will move on and file for D. This is my opinion, and not one necessarily shared by the rest of the forum.

But the reason I believe in this is that it worked in my case. I had a date to work towards. I did one year past BD, that was how long I was willing to wait before I quit waiting and moved on myself. I also had a long-term relationship that ended and I was her Plan B for a very long time (think 12+ years), and it stifled my personal growth, and I lost out on a lot of potential Rs with others due to "waiting". So I have been on both sides of the equation (open-ended limbo and setting a date). And I can vouch for setting a date being freeing, giving me the ability to focus on DBing well, and having light at the end of the tunnel in my sitch!

[Pack_19]

hi Steve!

I have to say I read your post and my first thought was the same. Maybe with a deadline I can focus better on doing a good job at DB.

I keep thinking a big reason for me doing this is my kids, but if I truly cared for the M and optimizing the chances of success, I would make better use of the DB techniques and your advice in the board. Instead of recommitting to my M, I might better commit to DBing properly for some time, what do I have to lose?

Thanks for the support as always!

[Pack_19]

hi all,

I have been thinking about what to focus for the next 15 days being:

> Control my impulses to DO something about the situation I am living as suggested by IC
> Live and feel through the pain, doing nothing
> Accept the situation I am living now and work on detaching, show detachment when I exchange the kids.
> Focus on my inner changes, implementing NC and DBing the right way.

I really wanted to wish W a good day today, this is why I came to write here. I have no updates and I am ready to take the beat from not being detached (work in progress...). I am going swimming now and will continue working in the afternoon. Let's see if I can make it a habit to write here when I feel like reaching out to W and being cold as ice when I exchange the kids.

Thank you all! have a great Friday, weekend is almost here!

[sandi2]

What was then the purpose of those 15 days NC after my poor reaction issuing the ultimatum?

You told your W she had 15 days to let you know her plans about the M. Then, you were asking the board what you should do next. Remember? You were told to not contact her during those 15 days. Plain & simple.

I'm done talking about the 15 days.

[Pack_19]

hi all!

@Sandi I will drop the 15 days thing, thanks for your comment and my deepest apology if I made you frustrated, I have certainly made many mistakes with the no contact approach. It is very hard for me to go on in the presence of a failed M and cold W or XW or whatever she is now, I am drained by this situation.

I have been NC 8 days, yesterday I picked up the kids and said "hello, goodbye" only. I was upbeat but I was also the first one to leave. My IC told me to learn how to control the impulses to talk about R or with W and I am focused on that. I still have some thoughts about contacting W, but I breathe deeply and remind myself I am just being in the middle of the situation and doing nothing about M or D. I believe it was Unchien recommendation but I do feel I have a new ability to just let suffering get to me and live through it without reacting.

I ramped up sport last week (running, tennis and swimming) and this weekend I went out with some friends and tidied up some things at home before having the kids again. There has come a point when I dread interacting with W, I am sick of the disrespect and the coldness for over a year. If she cannot see the value in our M and family, I cannot push it into her brain and trying to was a poor decision I made.

I started a new book yesterday and today I have the third IC session. My friends have started to make jokes about how easily available I am to go out for a beer so I have been thinking about a couple of bike and home projects I can turn to when I am alone and there are not many social GAL plans.

I have thought a lot about me having a control problem and how that affects the way I interact with other people. As I said in the last post I have redirected my changes to the inner ones. I spend most of my empty time thinking about our past life and how much we have overcome being so young and parents in a foreign country. Maybe it is true I will never be the best thing that happened in her life but for sure we did achieve some quite unique things. I wonder if it is time I move on with my life and leave the door open, it seems I have been unable to separate myself from our M and the concept of a complete family. She knows if it were for me we would be working towards R already, with that I can sleep well and continue to detach.

Thank you all for the help you are providing me! I hope I am doing a better job at DBing now!

[Pack_19]

hi all,

For those of you following my situation I wanted to give an update as the 15 days to work on myself internally have come to an end. The only thing I can say is that I feel better, much better, to the point that I am starting another 15 days focused on my internal changes, fixing my control issues and detaching. Maybe 15 days at a time I finally make it to the point where I can properly start DBing for myself.

Nothing has changed with W, we have exchanged the kids 4-5 times and all I said was hello and goodbye and left the first. We have no contact and I have found new and surprising control over my impulses to contact her as well as my response to the pain I am going through. Not that I am fully there, not even close, but I can feel myself improving on there and it is surprisingly rewarding.

I had an amazing weekend with the kids, we went trekking next to a stream, I carried S2 and S6 and we walked into some rocky parts that were demanding, S6 kept going on an on about how we were having a great time. We also tried the pool I bought for the terrace in my parents rural house, it fits perfectly in the patio size and we even had the time to fill it up halfway and enjoy some freezing water fun. I bought new clothes for both of them as soon we expect a weather change, and took the chance to gift myself a couple of ante wardrobe pieces I had been after for a couple of years.

I also ran a total of 29 km this weekend so I feel great physically. have IC today again and some work to do on the work project I am involved now. I can feel things getting better, maybe is because I have distanced from the unhealthy R with W. I just think what is happening to our family and M is very sad, and I cannot change it.

Thank you all, hope you are doing great despite this tiring covid19 situation.

((hugs))
Pack

[SteveLW]

Pack, I have to congratulate you. You seem to be doing what so many of us advocate, and that so many LBSs struggle with: focusing on you.

As a former control freak myself, I can tell you that letting go of control is such a better place to be in. I am much more relaxed an laid back than I was before. IC had a big part to play in that. This is why I am such and advocate of IC (I was staunchly anti-IC before my sitch!) because it paid such big dividends for me in becoming aware that 99.9% of things ae out of my control. And walking around angry about what I cannot control was a miserable place to live.

SO keep up the good work! No matter what happens Pack, you are going to be better for it and live your best life from this point forward!

[sandi2]

Hey Pack, how are you doing?