Hi everybody, My name is Eagle3, will tell my story in the shortest possible version.
HB since mid-2017 in crisis with clearly definable trigger. Noticeable since became distant, selfish, angry for no reasons. (the usual as everybody describes) This period took about 2 years. He also changed jobs in Nov. 2018 where he met OW the first day of his new job. Relationship started a few months later.
BD and famous ILYBNILWY in April 2019. I immediately found out about OW (same month).
Then clinging boomerang from that same month until I kicked him out the beginning of October 2019. He never actually lived permanently with OW (lives in another country where head office of his work was based) although he was there during the week and came home @ weekends. He always told me he had to go to that country for work reasons but I soon found out he stayed there for her. (could work a lot from office where we live as well but he did not do that)
When I finally realised this was the case, I decided to confront him that he couldn’t have both women and that he had to make a choice. I did not ask him to stop the relationship as I did not have control about that (yes, read another website a thousand times as well as the Divorce Busting forums) but I asked him to go to a counsellor as he was not OK or to leave the house.
He of course chose the last option but still very difficult to get him out.
As he did not want to leave I searched an apartment myself, even bought his sheets and pillows and made his bed, and when he knew he didn’t have a choice he finally left.
1st real awakening followed shortly after and break-up with OW as well. Asked to move back in December and agreed, only to find out a week later that he was seeing OW again. Confronted him and said he had to leave after the holidays if he couldn’t make a choice. I did not kick him out as I was seeing he was trying the utmost to break-up with her. Final break was the beginning of February. Since then no contact with her anymore until today. (100% sure, she tried a month later, he blocked her, he tried during OW withdrawal, she blocked him)
All the time during that period depression, monster and withdrawal were clearly seen but since OW was still in the picture I knew it was still replay behaviour. During that time he also already had clear moments where he apologized, cried etc. but next day all gone again. Drinking increased enormously as from January as well.
He finally came home “full time” in February 2020. At work it didn’t go well but since my HB is a very clever person they decided to offer him another job (after a self-assessment which clearly showed his dominant behaviour, more details but too long to tell) in another function in the International mother company (with basis in another continent then where we currently live). He decided to accept the job. (did consult with me, told him he had to take it if that would make him happier.)
He would normally leave in April but had to work from home due to COVID-19. I think this wasn’t a bad thing. (this is also what he told me)
February, March and April were ‘fairly normal’ months (in MLC terms) as he started connecting bit by bit again with our 3 children, the family and me (but friend zone), but clearly saw OW withdrawal (I love her some much, she was the love of my life etc) and heavily drinking with many conversations, but only with me and always when drunk, and this behaviour increased during May, June and July with huge depression coming to the surface. (I have seen panic attacks during the night, crying, apologies, irritation, heavy physical pains, anger, withdrawal etc.)
In August if got so bad that I told him I wanted some time-out with the children and that we would leave for a few months so “he could think over what he wanted in life, on his own) in a very friendly way. He seemed to understand this and didn’t want me to leave the house so suggested to ask his work if he could leave to work in the other country and they agreed with the necessary COVID test etc.. (although the months before he said he made a mistake by accepting this job and leaving everybody behind)
I will not go into detail how our 3 children (16y-13y-13y) are cooping as I think this is very private but I can only say that for me this is the worst part. We are adults and understand the process in a certain way and after a certain amount of time, but for them this will have an impact on their future lives, and they will never look at ‘life’ in an innocent way anymore I guess. I’m very open with them and we talk a lot about it and I can see this is of huge help. They now found a certain peace with it, understanding the process in their own way.
He left the end of August. The idea was to come home every 6 weeks to two months. When he left he told me he had to confront himself with whom he was and what he did. I had the idea it was going better with him since he was alone. We skype 2 times a week with the children on fix days and this is working quite well. But since this week he started drinking again and calling when drunk to me. He suddenly wanted to come home for 2 weeks and actually did. Told me on the phone he is a very cold person, he doesn’t miss anybody, not even his children, he doesn’t want to be like that etc. He hates his whole family as they see him as the mad one in the family (his words), in 5 minutes time a complete other story, everybody is bad and he is the victim…
What is going on? Can’t seem to place this in any of the stages? I was sure he was already as far as depression/withdrawal but now I’m having doubts again.
The only constant thing he says for the last 6 months is that he wants to try to be a family again, but still doesn’t know if he wants to be with me. He says we are best friends now and that living in the other country will provide him the necessary answers.
New one is that he will be coming home every 4 to 6 weeks since this is expected from him, this is what a father and a husband has to do, not really because he misses us, but because this is his duty??
I know you always ask how the LBS is doing 😊. The first 6 months were h@ll for me. I did all the wrong things like begging and crying, lost 10 kgs, couldn’t sleep but went to counselling and bit by bit understood what had to be done and I’m actually doing very well. I learned a lot about myself and I’m not the same person anymore. I also decided to be the stanchion (for now), and live my life the best I can with our children. I’m fully able to let it go, strange but it is like I’m emotionally disconnected from him, although I still love him. Even in bed I don’t even have the feeling anymore to want to hug him, not when he is the person he currently is.
But as you know, it never is out of your head…that is the price you pay when you want to stick by their side. That is the reason why I tell my story now. I’m a bit stuck in the trust of the process and how it is progressing. 😊 Who would be prepared to give me some insight?
The reason why I only subscribed now, even when that far already is because I simply wasn’t ready to talk with anybody except with some very close friends.
Many thanks!!
Last edited by job; 09/28/2012:34 PM. Reason: edited language, removed reference to another site and put in hard returns for paragraphs
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
As you are a new member joining the site, I will caution you that this site does not allow references to other sites and/or links to other sites. I have also put in hard returns in your first posting to make it easier for the readers to read your posting.
Your h sounds like he's still in replay. Try to remember that the stages and timelines are a guideline and each MLCer will experience their crisis differently due to their personalities, childhoods and traumas. Some will have the same traits as others and some will be completely off the chart.
When dealing w/someone that is in crisis, it is a marathon, not a sprint.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I indeed read all the links in your first reply several times in the past and they were really helpfull!
Can you give me an insight on why you think he is still in replay please?
I know depression is always present and I have seen this throughout the years but as it got so bad the last 6 months I assumed this was the actual stage of depression which is getting better now and withdrawal since in other country on his own.
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
The reason that I say "replay" is because of his actions. What you posted basically described someone who is confused and in crisis, and yes, depressed,, i.e, the drinking, living far from home and has admitted he is a cold person. He is very much down on himself and doesn't want to be around the people he has known and loved.
The replay, depression/withdrawal go hand in hand. He's living in another country and he is trying to find himself. He is at the moment self medicating w/the alcohol. He may very well be in the deep, dark depression, but still in replay. Try to remember that the stages are linear. They can bounce back and forth many times until they confront their issues and accept the things that they cannot change.
Some of them do make an attempt to come home for a period of time and then run again. Why? Because in their minds they are warming back up to the spouse/companion and don't feel comfortable in their own skin. Of course, guilt and shame also play a factor in how they feel about themselves and what they've done. They also use the time at home to compare the ow/om to the spouse, but in the end, until the crisis is over, they will feel "trapped" or suffocated" living in the home and will have that need to run. Some live in the same city, others a town over and some move across the country or to another land. They will attempt many things and find that nothing will feel right until the crisis ends.
I would continue to listen and do not offer up advice unless he asks for it. Be a friend, don't push for info. Just listen.
BTW, did you read the links in the Resources thread? Lots of valuable info in those threads.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
He may very well be at the "tail end" of the replay, but what concerns me is the drinking and still talking about being a cold person. He's fighting w/all he's got not to warm up to you and his family and friends, pre-crisis.
Sure, it can be very normal for the OP to be gone and yet be in replay. You have to remember that some people go into crisis and do not have OP to help them exit a relationship. Keep in mind, she may be gone, but he could also be looking around...but you have to understand that is my opinion. Try to focus on his actions, not his words.
Let me ask you this...has he begun to reconnect w/his old friends, family, etc.? Does he show interest in the family and what all of you are doing? Has he begun to talk more about what he's doing and sounds warmer when speaking to you? Or, is he still playing the "Debbie Downer", the feeling sorry for himself talks?
Again, let's not put our entire focus on the stages, but on the man, what he is saying and doing. Remember...actions speak louder than words. Listen very closely to what he's telling you. You may be able to figure out what is going on in his mind if he's chatty.
If you have not read the thread on reconnection, you may want to visit it. I wrote it many years ago and thus far, it has proven to be spot on when they begin to reconnect.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You say he’s had depressive episodes before - has he ever been treated for depression? Has his drinking been a problem in the past? Alcoholics often drink to soothe their depression, but alcohol is also a depressant that makes things worse in the long run. Has he ever taken anti-depressants? This is a good time to assess whether this is out of character for your H, of really just an exaggeration or unveiling of who he really is.
As for the kids - it’s terrible they have to experience this at this age (similar to my three). I though DBing and reconciling with my H at that point that I was also doing the best for my kids. I thought we had several more good years before he relapsed into MLC at age 50. However, I found out later that my kids were always waiting for the other show to drop after that first episode. They lived in a state of anxiety because of it.
The very best thing YOU can do for your kids right now is to model strength (they need to know you won’t collapse on them either) and get your financial ducks in a row. Do what you have to do to make sure you will be financially ok if he leaves and tries to duck his financial responsibilities in another country.
In my opinion I guess he bounced back in a way but with different dynamics.
When he came home in February full time he actually tried his utmost to reconnect about a month later. (I read your tread already several times) He was much nicer, gave compliments, played games with the children, went for long walks with me and talked a lot more about work and interest in mine as well. He also said there was growing a connection with the house (new one, just before BD). He started his favorite sport again, which he never did anymore since MLC started.
This lasted about 2 months until he started to fall in a deep depression, drinking increased heavily etc. I then saw things at night which I never saw before. Huge panic attacks, screaming he left everybody behind, talking about how he is a failure to everybody, speaking about we'd be better of without him, in bed all day etc. But also sometimes the completed opposite. Angry, pat on his own head,... But he kept doing that sport about 2 times a week.
Contact with family and friends is indeed still very limited. He keeps contact with almost all of them as it is like he doesn't want to loose them, but he keeps it to the limit.
When he left for work to live in the other country he suddenly started doing sports on a daily basis, even a bit in a obsessive way in my opinion. Now he came home and I see a cold man towards family, the children and me, basically also a very selfish man....and yet again also trying to connect, very strange.
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
I think I may have not formulated it correctly. No, he never had depressive episodes before MLC, at least not since I met him. He did see a psychiatrist when he was young for a few years as back then he had much difficulties with the divorce of his parents and a close relative who died. (never took medication) He was very rebellious when young and teenager as well. When I met him he was still very rebellious but as years went by he found a sort of piece with me and the children.
When I see him now I always compare to how he was back then. I see the exact same person as when I met him. I saw this behaviour in January and now I see this again. He is like a teenager all over again.
He was never an alcoholic but when he started drinking he couldn't stop until he was quite drunk but at least stopped then. This only happened during weekends, he had a fix rule of not drinking during the week which he introduced again since he came home. (although he doesn’t always stick to it) The difference is that when he drinks now, it is much more than before so in my opinion it is definitely an exaggeration.
Thank you for sharing the thoughts of your children as well. I’m doubting if what I’m doing, and that is standing for my marriage, is also the best solution for them. They don’t have any doubts about me being there for them, I’m sure, and I know this is indeed what they need and what I say very often to them. The strange thing is that since BD, I went through a rollercoaster of emotions but since a couple of months now I'm strong enough to handle every situation, it's actually amazing how much strength I feel.
Financially we do not have any issues. We both have good jobs and saved a lot during the years. He also used to love spending money before his MLC, so since his MLC started he became the opposite of himself and actually became stingy (don’t know if that’s the correct word 😊).
I have a question for you if I may. Did you ever realized that your husband was going to have a relapse, if you look back now? This must have been extremely hard…
Me(45)EXH(44) M:15 T:18, S19, S16 & S16 04/19-02/20 ILYB & OW1 12/20-08/22 OW2 (+pregnant-his child) 03/22-Divorce official 06/22-08/23 Reconnecting 09/23-possible back with OW2
