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Thanks everyone. I came here to find support and friends. I have to admit some of the advice i got is kind of harsh because i guess i was not clear in my posts.


Harsh advice? You are having to deal with a harsh situation.

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I am at a place where I get medical professional help around 1-3 times a day and all I hear is what I need to improve.


You are getting medical help 1-3 times a day? And, all these medical professionals just tell you what you need to improve? Are you staying in some type of medical facility?

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Well now I have improved alot with parenting and how to deal with relationship. I was on the right track before but just did not know how to do it exactly. I have improved greatly according to the MC.


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Today my 13yr old kicked and hit wife and me as she was taking his internet device away.He was verbally abusive to us for 30 minutes and she had enough. I had to call in cops because i was terrified he was going to do more to us.


This is very confusing to me. You allowed him to verbally abuse you for 30 minutes!! What were YOU doing during that half hour? Your W finally had enough, so you called the cops on your 13 yr old son......... b/c you were afraid of him? Has this type of situation occurred in past times, where you felt you had to call the police?

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To answer Sandi and others. Kids 15, 13 and 8. The 15 year said to me a few times she has been waiting for us to divorce for years. She is exceptionally rude and is quite selfish mostly. She is sweet when she wants to be.
13 year old boy has major tantrums and today hit and kicked his mother. Hit me too. Both older kids say they do NOT want me around. Nice huh.8 year old boy also has tantrums but we are trying. 13 yr is borderline ADHD and takes medicine. 8 is borderline autistic. Two older kids make it really kind of hard right now on me as well as they are rude, dont help out and continually are slobs at home. If I say anything I have to be real careful not to NAG etc. Yes yes i can clean the place up all the time but as a father I FIRMLY believe that kids over the age of 10 have got to help out now. Otherwise what have I taught them. And yes discussed in great detail with female MC and she totally agrees now after being with us that the kids should not be spoiled anymore.


Okay, you may accuse me of being harsh, but it sounds as if the children are in charge rather than the parents. You say they are rude to you. How do you address that situation? It is a clear sign they don't respect you. It is also their way of challenging you.

I agree that children should have chores (based on their capabilities), but I disagree about waiting until they are 10 years old. ((Danee)) parents must start training children when they are big enough to pick up their own toys and put them in the toy box. It teaches them responsibility, and that every member of the family has a chore. You have to train them as they grow. Teaching them to pick up after themselves, keeping their rooms on some level of tidiness, taking out the trash, etc. If the parents wait for 10 years and then expect the child to help with chores..........there will be big problems. I mean, they are nearly through elementary school by 10. They are slobs b/c nobody consistently taught them......and/or enforced rules that they had to clean up their own stuff. Poor habits were put in place a long time ago, so it will be hard to break the bad habits and establish good ones. Let me be clear by saying I do believe children learn quickly and they can change easily if parents give them the solid structure they require. In other words, if parents allow the sloppiness to slide one day, but goes nuts when the kids don't clean up the next day.......then that's not being consistent. You have to be consistent, and follow through. Kids have to know what the rules are, and what the consequences will be if they choose to ignore the rules.

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If I say anything I have to be real careful not to NAG etc.


Well, clearly, daddy is not the person in charge in his own home. Another time you were describing the dynamics with kids dragging their feet, and every few words you spoke were "please" do this & "please" do that........I think you said there was screaming, also. Based on your posts, I see you as a man who wants to accomplish most everything by discussing the issue. That would be nice, only it doesn't work with a WAW or kids. There is nothing wrong with addressing certain issues in a discussion, the first time. My question is what is the next step, should all your talking be ignored? Do you have a second talk...........then a third.........and so on? As the father & husband, your family will never respect you if you conduct yourself as though you are a victim. Maybe you are too gentle or soft. Maybe you don't know to lead, or to teach. Maybe you didn't have good role models when you were growing up, and you don't know how to parent your children successfully. I encourage you to look into your local areas for free parenting classes, or support groups.

I hope you will stick with us, and give us a little more information.


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Thanks Sandi2. Are you the same as Sandi1 who talks about a wayward wife?

If you are i have questions for you Sandi1.

For the many questions and many lapses of days I am not on here I am sorry.
I am NOT in a mental health facility. I think that would be a vacation from some of what I am going through.
Yes sometimes chaotic sometimes not. My MC will take my calls for payment of course. Once week I have a GP appt who totally wants my M to work. She also is so happy that as a man I am not willing to give up on kids.
Since the 911 call the 13 yr old now knows he has to watch it with us. He knows has backed off alot though his addiction to device and parenting issues continue. He still screams at us sometimes but is more subdued now. The professionals said I did the right thing. Though my wife NOW says I should not have done it. After she agreed with me to do it. My MC thinks there is something mentally definitely going on with W. My W has done sessions with this same MC.

Anyway to give you guys a quick update. Things have been up and down since then. Not really any screaming. I am still in the basement. Again I give her that so that she can get rest as she is the main bread winner for now. I am still trying to reboot my business, find a job and TRYING to study for more certifications.

We do sometimes snap at each other and insult. Lately I find though on at least 3 occasions I am able to walk away.
She spends alot of time reminding me (erroneously though reducing with kids around) that I will need to make money, find my own place, get used to being separated etc.

Since we dont have money to do a proper divorce I have to go to basement for now. I told her I do not agree that this is separation, giving up child custody or house. I am advised by my professionals to state this.
The professionals I have are most times MC, GP and other therapist of the week depending on what I need addressed. When my W said I was this OR I was in deep depression (which I am in now but handling it) I would seek out a psychiatrist. If I am injured from back injury from recent car crash, I seek out physio. Then I also discuss situation with them since they also have medical backgrounds. MC/GP say it is good I talk to professionals because as I talk more and more. I find out more and more about me.

W also made some comments as discussed I let myself go, not so handsome anymore etc etc. So she is doing yoga gym etc etc etc. Sandi1 you talked about it in other posts. I dont think my wife is having an affair but my professionals cannot see any other reason for this situation now that I have improved, home life is slowly slowly improving. Sandi1 do you see a similarity and do you think she just cannot forgive the past? W made a comment to MC that if I had been like this before we would not be here today.

Am I too gentle always discussing. Yes I am lol. But it is when I loose it after many discussions yes I get in trouble. Now I walk away and say it a few times. It is starting to work slowly or I just turn off the internet and the boys listen right away. I dont yell anymore or nag. For the chores I am tired to trying to get the kids to listen. I let my W start yelling at the kids. She still cleans alot after them so the anger is mounting in her and I can see it and hear it. Before it was always my fault. Now I make little adjustments so that she sees whos mess it really is. I clean up mine, 8 yr old (working on him to clean) and my W. W still completely lets girl do whatever. starts on 13 yr old.

Part of issue I see is grand mother play favorite with ALL grand kids. She herself is divorced.
W does the same and I dont know how to get her to realize it. I know I cannot control her. I get it. So her anger builds up and then she realizes it is not me.

So some of the DR techniques are working. But mostly are NOT. My W reminds me almost everyday that she does not want to continue the marriage.She reminds me she deserves to have happiness and I dont make her happy. That I did not provide her security and financial. I understand what you mostly will agree with her as you have all recently said. Yes I get that. For the last little while while this is going on I have to admit I have not been able to concentrate since she is threatening me with kicking me out. As to the there is no father in the house remark. I would agree because there are actually 2 fathers! lol. A real father and a mother who likes to be the father. So that might be considered part of problem. AND also friends and family who also tell W all the time in the past that I was a too strict father or i was this and i was that. Now my own mother does agree she even did it. There was so much of it. The MC said that really hurt our situation immensely instead of seeking professional help we listened to non professional advice. I even have in laws who almost everyday send me self learning lectures on how I can improve. Sometimes I hint at them that I am listening perhaps they should share it with other parts of the family -- W. They yes they do. W even says now that I am in basement and we hardly talk it is too stressful on her. I ask her why and she lists so many other issues not even related to me then I am the last on the list. She even simply thinks doing one or 2 things will help the children like more sleep. I keep telling her the professionals disagree it is more complex like they understand the separation and they do not like it.

One of these people i am not sure who told W that I have the traits of a narcissists sociopath. I did not even know what that is but checking with MC and GP they both said definitely no I am not. They even said whoever said that to my W may loose their medical license if they are in the field and make that diagnosis without meeting me.

Reading posts on here I noticed we are all in the same sort of situation:

1 - we hang on every little thing our S says to us hoping things will get better. I am starting to realize with my professional help that perhaps it is NOT TOTALLY our faults. yes we made mistakes and most of what I read we try to improve or have improved. For me I always think to myself if the situation was reversed I dont think I would want a divorce. Not with children. Stats says its bad for them too. But we are like slaves waiting for our S to make a comment, hang on every word and hope things will get better. I am starting to think why do we put ourselves through this after trying to fight and hang on so hard. We should be given a medal !

2 - My brother in law - yes even him - said this to me. If my W does not realize what a good person I am even with my faults (as we are supposed to accept it and I accept so many faults of my W) THEN SHE DOES NOT DESERVE ME.
I know he is trying to get me to leave her for his own sisters sake BUT at same time it is true to me. I did not cheat, not a substance abuser, not a gambler, do not spend money hardly and my focus is on my kids and family. Self teaching in my field is for the purpose of business and/or getting job for the family.

I say this for now I am starting to look at leaving myself because maybe she does not deserve me.
She also has some medical issues I am starting to realize that affects our relationship. My professionals say she needs help. I can NOT control her to get help or anything so I am stuck. While I continue to do the DR rules as much as I can I slip sometimes, it just does not seem to be getting any better. I am fighting for a M that is full of issues.

Maybe she is in a EA and there is nothing I an do about that either. Thanks for listening and for all of your advice and questions.

Last edited by danee; 03/06/20 05:07 PM.
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danee Offline OP
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Steve85 - yes my friend said that exactly to me. He said he saw his wife become someone else with a different voice. No head turning movie or anything. Just the voice and refusal to take the potion. Olive oil or something.

Anyway after they forced it in she calmed down and was an amazing wife for the next 6 months.
Amazing huh.

weird huh

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Yeah, I do not believe any of that stuff. I am deeply religious and believe the time of supernatural events ceased once the full revelation of Christ was revealed (IE the written word we know as the New Testament).

Anyway, are you now believing that your W has a demon possession?


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Hi Danee,

A few thoughts--

1. Note the irony in your IC complaining that her IC said you have narcissistic traits without meeting you, but then your IC said she needs help apparently without meeting her. Neither is an official diagnosis, just an impression. 1000:1 no licenses are lost over either statement. That sounds like pure fantasy.

2. My IC tells me to drop statements like SHOULD or SUPPOSED TO. If your flaws outweigh your strengths in her eyes, why should she accept that? She's a human being seeking happiness. Many of us just wish our partner were more insistent in articulating deal-breakers before a dramatic ball drop. It's true in most situations that little changes before would've been a game-changer, but little changes aren't enough now.

3. If you attempt to force a potion down your wife's throat, expect jail or a restraining order.

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Thanks Sandi2. Are you the same as Sandi1 who talks about a wayward wife?


To my knowledge, I'm the only Sandi on the board. Yes, I talk about wayward wife.

Danee, I'm very concerned about your family. There is an unhealthy family dynamic, and in my opinion, a professional family therapist needs to work with the children and the parents. I know you are worried about your marriage, but it seems the different parenting styles is the center of the marriage issues. Without professional help, the two parents are not going to agree or compromise in their style of parenting. If one therapist is working with both parents to improve the family dynamics, then it seems there would be more success overall.

Currently, your wife throws the blame at your feet for all issues surrounding the kids and the marriage. Do you think your wife would agree for both of you to attend therapy sessions with the same professional therapist? Don't call it marriage counseling or individual counseling, but ask her if she will agree to family therapy. It may require some other professional therapist than you are currently using. If so, then I see no need to have more than one person as a therapist. Your wife will resist sessions that are labeled "marriage counseling", so maybe you can ask her to put the marriage aside long enough to learn how to meet the special needs of your children.


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"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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Thanks for all of your help.
I bought the book DB. Read it read the online forum. Tried do all the steps. Not successful at all of them and definitely not all the time. I started to get disappointed and angry the ridiculousness of this.

Anyway even her brother told me "If she does not realize what you are, it is her loss".

Worked alot with telephone marriage councilor in covid 19. Spent alot of money. Even she thinks wife is making a mistake.

This week finalizing separation papers and found a condo to move to. Kids still hitting me, yelling at me and grandmother thinks the children are so spolied when they dont get what they ant and treat me badly. I know they love me sort of. The older girl seems to want me gone too. To be fair there are medical conditions and I was tough on them all with homework etc etc etc. at earlier ages until now.

Grandmother says it is not me it is the mother. MC sort of says it indirectly but she does not make the official diagnosis. MC also says the divorced and single friends influence on wife was not good.

I dont have much to say except I hope I can go on. i dont really want to be with her either because I never knew such hate such contempt for me from someone I loved, trusted and thought we would grow old together. I will miss my family, house and mostly the kids. The kids are really my concern but as I say here i cannot do much with them. I dont want them to hate me if they are forced to see me.

Sad but I have to respect all of their wishes even the soon to be ex wife. Marriage counselor gets this question alot form me. Am i really a bad father and husband. After a long time of sessions with me and us, she says not at all. She said there will be lots of women in this age group we are in, interested in me for sure. I am a catch. whoopie doo. NC even says wife will want to come back! Yeah its ok NEXT.

Anyway thank you all. I dont know if I will comment much more. I do watch MWD videos and i think had I learned alot of this years ago I might have made a difference - with most women. Not this one.

Good luck for you who have hope and are doing the DB steps. if mine had been more "normal" I would have had a chance.

Last edited by danee; 09/23/20 05:51 AM.
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