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A Message from Michele
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Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904079
09/17/20 10:34 PM
09/17/20 10:34 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,374
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,374
KML, you know, the tough part about all of this is that I have always idolized my dad . I thought he was the best dad and man on the face of this earth. And he did do his best and he does love me very much. Iíve never seen flaws in the past though. And his flaws I have finally had to admit to. Itís been hard to do and sad. And I know heís impossible to deal with and doesnít see anyway but his own and there is nothing I can do about it. We havenít spoken since. And I can predict he is going to get mad I havenít called him. Oh well. I also have to let it sit and simmer because I canít even tell him he hurt me, because he will invalidate it and make it about me hurting him. And I just donít have the energy for that.

Work stunk pretty bad today . Changes were made that have left me woth the heaviest work load and today is the first day I actually got p*ssed at work. I am always laid back, take my work load in stride, but today it wasnít fair. And it may not be very fair going forward.

I adore my coworkers absolutely adore my coworkers. But not my job. My pull back to the bedside is so strong but I canít do that now. And Iíve been out of bedside so long who knows if I would be able to hack it .
Everything canít be perfect so I have to just recognize I may not like my position but I love my coworkers and thatís the way it will be. Canít get greedy. I have Saturday off and then kick off a 9 day work streak. I pray I get through it without going insane

And yes, what gets me excited is planning for that big move in 5 years! I look at house prices all time and do my research. Iím leaning towards Delaware. Drivable form current state. Like no tax and so affordable. And still coastal.

Been thinking about making a vision board. I canít see the light lately. And I need something to look forward to and work towards . Because if I see no end in the way things are, Iím going to get even more depressed. So, Iím just trying to see a good future for myself.

D13 has an 8:15 game tonight. Sheís going with her friend, so luckily I donít have to go early. I hope to sleep like a baby tonight when we finally get home

Last edited by job; 09/18/20 01:28 PM. Reason: edited a word
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904081
09/18/20 12:24 AM
09/18/20 12:24 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,374
K
kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,374
A vision board is a GREAT idea!

And yes, your dad can be a loving dad and a hot mess at the same time. I just want you to realize how NOT okay that was. He's what you've got and you're right to look at the good stuff, but I sure wouldn't want you to pick a guy based on your dad's model of behavior, because it's just not what normal good parents would do.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904118
09/18/20 01:50 PM
09/18/20 01:50 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,699
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DejaVu6 Offline
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DejaVu6  Offline
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Sorry about what happened with your dad Ginger. Yep...thatís pretty crappy behaviour, for sure. Especially since he pushed you so hard in the beginning to let him do the remodel for you. Then when you finally allowed yourself to get excited about it, he pulled the plug. Not cool. Not cool at all.

I, too, think your idea of doing a vision board is a great one. Always easier to get somewhere if you know where it is you want to go. Never been to Delaware but Iím sure it is nice if it is on the coast.

Hope you had a great sleep!!!


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904126
09/18/20 03:42 PM
09/18/20 03:42 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,628
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Dawn70 Offline
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Dawn70  Offline
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So sorry about your dust up with your dad, G. That sux and I'm sorry you had to deal with it. I'm also sorry that you can't really talk to him about it and resolve it. (((G)))

I think the vision board idea is a great one. I'm a very visual person so writing things down or having pictures of things really helps me to focus. It could be a great way to set some goals and be able to actually see a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904129
09/18/20 05:01 PM
09/18/20 05:01 PM
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,354
U
uRworthy Offline
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uRworthy  Offline
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U
Joined: Sep 2012
Posts: 3,354
Hey my sweet friend. You are still so hard on yourself... celebrate that you are amazing...you bought a house on your own...found a good job, got your degree, working a 2nd job, raising your girl pretty much by yourself..good on you!

That's a whole lot in a short time...and you've entered the teen years... a great deal of stuff for anyone to handle. But you are doing it...

As for your father...there is this dance you seem to keep doing with him. You say you hate to take anything from him, then he offers, then you agree, then he reneges.... and on and on it goes. Cheeseless tunnels, no?

I know each time you hope that this time will be the time he will follow thru and then he doesnt and you get upset. I know the feeling...did it my whole childhood.

Here's the thing...you cant change him..you can only change your reaction to him, right? I think you should just decide that you will not accept his help unless it is critical. No expectations, no disappointment.

I know you love him and he loves you but something has to change or you will continue to feel like this.

As far as meeting someone, right now...concentrate on you. You have to feel good about you before you can share your life with anyone.

Proud of you, sweetie. Keep going.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904170
09/19/20 11:45 AM
09/19/20 11:45 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,374
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Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,374
Thank you all for solidifying that I am not crazy. This is probably why I often feel guilty about things ir feel the need to apologize when I'm not wrong. I guess now I am an adult and the rose colored glasses are off. I think I kept them on so long because i really didn't have a mom, or anyone and i just wanted to keep seeing only good din the one person I have/had. But he has faults like the rest of us. we haven't spoken all week. He will eventually call me and ask why I haven't called him.

UR, HELLO!
The problem is when i try to decline is offers, he gets mad and also makes me feel guilty. It's a lose -lose. The best I can do is take them with a grain of salt. and accept them and pretty much expect them not to happen. ANd honstly, it is not that it didn't happen that is so upsetting to me. It's the "im not a bank" comment. ANd when he asks, I have decided to I will calmly tell him how that made me feel.

I am currently not on any dating apps or even thinking about dating in any way for the past few weeks. FOr the reasons you mention too, I am not in a good place and that will attract no good. or it will attract nothing. I want ot be emotionally and physically healthy before I try my hand at it again. But I don't even desire too. It kills my spirit. Some people get pretty lucky on those dating apps fairly quickly. CLearly, not me. This might just be my fate.

Thank you for opening my eyes again to all I accomplished and overcame. I'm proud of me, but i guess some days it doesn't feel like all that hard work has paid big dividends. But I am sure its my frame of mind that isn't allowing me ot see it.

The teenager years are killer. Its been something really difficult for me. It's like everything has changed in the past few months. She's snotty at times, not appreciative, kind of lazy, and all about her friends and what she wants. It's tough. She is not a bad kid by any means, but she is going through a transition. She still is on the couch next next to me at night, may she be on her phone and she has total control over the TV, but I feel her drifting away. We were always so attached to eachother, it's tough. ANd yes, she is spoiled, no doubt, ANd I have had to hand out some more consequences to her lately because of her not listening. But it also really hard right now because these kids do not have it easy. Taking away anything social is not going to be good for her, because she is so isolated as it is. The poor kid is home alone all day. I feel for her. It's a tough balance for sure, and I am kind of alone in this. But having my little buddy drifting away is really really hard one me, quite honestly. But in know this is a completely normal process. Did I mention I have been getting guily from my dad about my daughter too? About how she doesn't call, or hold conversations, etc? More guilt trips.

The good news is, my social life is improving. And with new friends, which is kind of exciting. I've always been close to those at work, but it's becoming out of work relationships which is cool. One is a mom friend who has 2 daughters one 2 years younger than mind and one 3 years older than mine. ANd we are like the same kind of parent. She's awesome and she wants to get together soon which a small bunch of us for some drinks. Our marketing after work get togethers are coming back. I am going to trivia nigh with another coworker at a new local brewery. I'd rather work on the relationships more than a romantic one right now, This is what I need in my life. Although, I bet, as a dear friend pointed out, the socializing will probably stop once another shut down hits.

My last day off before 10 in a row. Getting the dog groomed and doing yard work for the first time since the poison ivy from H ell, I'm a little nervous, but its cold enough to cover up. Making a nice leg of lamb tonight for myself. But I did have dinner last night with a good friend and that was nice.

Gotta go make this day a good one. Thanks for listening

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904173
09/19/20 01:55 PM
09/19/20 01:55 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,374
K
kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,374
Good job on the socializing!

As for your daughter - remember that separating from the same-sex parent is a normal act of developing independence and growing into adulthood. Just like toddlers test the limits, teens will too (and just like toddlers are reassured by having boundaries, teens are too, no matter how much they fight you).

She will start to think you are really stupid for the next few years, but donít worry, in her twenties youíll become smart again!

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904193
09/19/20 07:03 PM
09/19/20 07:03 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,699
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DejaVu6 Offline
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You sound much, much better Ginger!! I LOVE that you are developing friendships with other women who want to go out and socialize. I focused hard on that after BD and it made a huge difference.

Re: dating apps. I definitely think you attract better guys when you are feeling at the top of your game. I think that has been a difference for me this time around as opposed to the first time I tried it. I was feeling pretty crappy about myself then but this time I had a lot more confidence. Not to say that I didnít have my insecure moments but when I did, I would just go through my list of things that make me a catch (similar to the list UR provided for you).

My best advice to you would be that once you are feeling better about yourself and where you are at, just go out and have a good time. When you are in a good place confidence-wise, it really shows in how you carry yourself and in your interactions with others. It makes you much more attractive. Also...one of the things that helped me the most is that I watched a lot of YouTube videos about attraction, dating, etc... There are some great coaches out there who put out some helpful videos that put you in a great mindset when you eventually start to go out on dates again.

Re: your daughter. Mine turns 13 in December. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I agree with everyone else...it is completely normal. It does hurt sometimes but knowing that, I think, helps you to not take it personally which you definitely shouldnít.

Re: your dad. I think your idea about accepting his offers but having zero expectations he will follow through is the way to go. That way, when he doesnít, you wonít be overly hurt by it. But if he does, you will get to be pleasantly surprised. Way better to be surprised that disappointed. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904332
09/22/20 11:58 PM
09/22/20 11:58 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,902
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,902
Massachusetts
Originally Posted by Ginger1

Then today, I am really just so frustrated with a situation. I had mentioned how my dad said he wants to redo my kitchen. He told me to start finding contractors, etc. I HATE taking anything from my dad, and you will see why.

AT lunch on saturday my daughter mentions something about wanting to go back to disney and have them come this time. He starts planning it at the table. My daughter mentions something baout doing hershey park for christmas, he says he is going ot look into it. I brought something up about my kitchen the next day and he says " I can't afford that if we are going ot disney" I was like WTF?! I said to my dad, I would rather have my kitchen done than go to disney, you can't promise her that without discussing it with me first" he kind of blows that off.

Today he complains about expenses to me.... I text him " are we doing the kitchen still?" He says "well, I have to do catch up on my bills, get D13's bed (which he offered at the same time as the kitchen because he made money in the stock market) and do hershey park, so at a later time. I am not a bank"

What?!? He tells me he is doing my kitchen, he came into money, please accept this, we want ot do this so much for you, get prices and contractors" to "I am not a bank" comment. He totally gaslights me all the time. I would rather have zero offers than one that he always takes back, then makes me feel guilty about it by saying something like "I'm not a bank" He makes me feel like I am going nuts. This is why I accept nothing unless it is an emergency.

Honeslty, it has me really upset. ANd not because i am not getting my kitchen redone, even though I was excited about it and I have begun shopping around like he told me to, but because he always takes things back and makes me sound greedy. I told him I would rather he not pay for any of it. And he tells me " i';; help when I can" I don't want a dime. At least no one will take it away or make me feel guilty if I save up and pay.

I seriously can't wait to get out of here. I want to move to an affordable area, have my own townhome that requires no maintnance that i can afford with one job and need no one for anything. I want to go so far away form the BS. I want to start over. I really need a new beginning.

Thanks for listening



you k now I am just catching up but that meme I posted yesterday? yeah. this. this is why. and I'd feel that way too. {{{{{{{{G}}}}}}}
ps good for you to start a workout routine. I'm in week 2 of PT, currently icing the foot. ouch.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904453
09/24/20 10:52 PM
09/24/20 10:52 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,374
G
Ginger1 Offline OP
Member
Ginger1  Offline OP
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,374
Iím here to vent as I have had a very bad day and a bad week. Iím in the middle of a 10 day work steak and one day off in 17 and Iím barely keeping it together. This week at work has been insane for many reasons. Extremely short staffed, very complicated patients, everything going wrong. Today was an exceptional challenge. And because i ended up having to work very late, I ended up losing a great deal on a used spin bike I was supposed to pick up. I am very angry about that.

Bttfly, I keep having more examples of the reasons why I have the ultra independence. I wonít get into details, but it again happened to me today. People ask me why I never accept offered help. Itís because when I do, people usually make it guilt laden when I didnít even ask for it. People who want to be heroís, but for whatever reason they canít help and instead of telling me they canít help anymore, they come up with guilt trips instead. I donít need that. I need honestly, truth, and directness. And I hve never ever given anyone a reason for them to not be comfortable with giving that to me. Never. Itís just easier and then stressful to decline help,

I bit the bullet and called my dad yesterday because I kind of had to. What a sh!t show that was. I called when I was at work hoping this conversation would be quick. But no. It was my dad going on and on and on. Guilt trip after guilt trip, him being a martyr. I actually put the phone on speaker so my coworker could hear this. She was dumbfounded. My dad went on and on about how he is 71 and all he thinks about is his mortality and how he wakes up every day looking at the stock market to see if he has money to help me . About how he only has maybe 10 years to do fun stuff so thatís why he East her would put my kitchen on the back burner. About how he sits at home and thinks about how heís getting older and thank good for his wife when she gets home because she is so wonderful blah blah blah. How much money he spends on what. And how he doesnít mind spending it itís his choice but he spends so much. How difficult his life is. I mean, he sounded like he was losing his mind there and kept going in circles. I didnít even talk. I put the phone on speaker and mute. I just validated and I realize this is what it is. I just canít anymore.

The worst thing? There is one person I can accept help from without it being guilt laden . Youíll never believe who. Yes, my ex husband. We offer to help eachother. Itís no strings attached. If we can, we do, if we canít, we are honest about it. No hard feelings. And appreciation when we can help eachother. We keep it simple. Maybe itís not the worst thing, but surreal sometimes.

Iím also pretty sure I re-tore my meniscus. So I have a left bad knee and a right bad foot. I have an appointment next week with my knee surgeon.

I donít know know why life is beating me down so hard. I have a hard time finding what the reason is for under the premise of ďeverything happens for a reasonĒ if it wasnít for my daughter, I donít think I would care if I lived or died.
At the end of the day, I just canít understand this life chosen for me. Maybe itís not something to understand. How I can have such an emotionally draining day/life and have no one to come home to for so long to be there for me.

This weekend I have my daughters best friend staying over starting tonight. They have eachother, I feed them and put on a happy face. At least she is really happy.

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Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

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