Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11
may22 #2904321 09/22/20 09:26 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
may22 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
Thanks Valeska, SamCal, Sage.

The GALing has been going well, even with barely leaving the house. I haven't pulled the trigger on the hotel room yet, mostly because we're still on total lockdown here and it just doesn't seem safe. So instead I behaved as I would if I were at a hotel. I slept in (my H hates this), I read my novel, I ordered take out instead of cooking (H picked it up). I played board games with the kids, watched a football game of my home team instead of H's, spent gift certificates I'd been saving up on me. I put away all my affair reading and post-nup research. I just put that all out of my mind as much as I could and focused on being OK, gratitude for the small things.

Taking a bit of a step back from H is really illuminating. He was quite uncomfortable with all of this. At one point we talked a little about his conversation with AP. I don't think he's going to reach out to do the clarifying thing, the crystal-clear "please never contact me again" statement-- he feels it was clear from the conversation that the door is closed on both sides. And he feels it is his work now to detach emotionally from AP such that even if she did reach out at some point in the future he wouldn't care, that another conversation with her wouldn't help him in that direction. Whatever. His choice, his life, and for me it simply means I have less confidence in this iteration of a reconciliation attempt than perhaps I would otherwise.

I indicated this, grabbed my computer and walked away (to do some online shopping). H stewed for a bit and then came out and said I'd ruined the morning. That he'd been in a good mood and now he wasn't. I asked why? He said, when I think you're upset or angry it makes me upset. I saw you grab your computer and I thought you were coming out here to journal (and presumably write out all the bad $hit I think about him). I said, no, I was spending a gift certificate online. But you should think about why that bothers you so much. What is that pit in your stomach telling you?

Then yesterday morning he came to me and said, I feel like you're second guessing staying with me. I feel like you're thinking you made the wrong choice. (I have told him, I'm here, for now, I don't have a lot of trust in you or in this process, but I'm not prepared at this moment to walk out the door or kick you out. I'm OK with just being, for awhile, and seeing where this goes, seeing if you do in fact do the things you've finally told me you want to do, from consciously and with intention detangling yourself emotionally from AP to demonstrating loving behaviors towards me. But I'm not ready to put my ring back on yet. (His is on.)

I didn't really respond. The truth is, of course, he's right. That I'd already been redecorating the office in my head, thinking I didn't need to worry about the screen doors and the kittens so much (H is a fanatic about those GD screens), thinking about freedom, about not needing to incorporate his needs/wishes/desires into our family decisions, about my future philanthropist H who adores me and shows me every day. Rather than this half-@ssed man standing in front of me who simply can't be that person for me right now.

He said, that makes me scared (Pommy!!). He feels that being here physically and making this choice is a big deal and that I shouldn't dismiss it and only focus on what he isn't doing or saying yet. That this is typical May, p!ssed because I'm getting a B right now and only an A+ is good enough for me. That we need to be able to sit in this place for awhile, he needs time to be sad and grieve not only AP but the life he imagined living. Which again, is such a GD fantasy it makes me angry to talk about and so I don't. But it is simply so ridiculous. Sage, it made me think about your sitch, and that your logical perspective is that of course your H and the OW can't be seriously thinking about making it work together... but maybe don't underestimate the power of the fantasy and just how unmoored it can be from reality.

He's really starting to wrestle with his identity and what it means for him to have done what he did in the context of staying. (Still so weird to me that the context matters so much.) He said he has a really hard time imagining totally reopening the emotional connection with me, being totally vulnerable, and then looking at the enormity of the betrayal and what it means that he did that... how can he even process that? I listened. I was not really able to validate (felt more like saying YEAH what does that mean and to me it means you do everything within your power to fix it, not navel-gaze and feel sorry for yourself). But, I listened and asked if he'd worked on that at all with his IC. He said he's been so focused in IC on his ambivalence and what to do that he hasn't really touched on any of this other stuff and he'd like to now.

Anyway... listening to him, I get it. He has a lot of work to do both in getting over AP and in understanding his own behaviors and identity, and that work all has to take place before we are even remotely in a position to consider rebuilding our M. But I also have healing to do, anger and sadness and grief and how to process this betrayal from the one person I believed had my back no matter what.

It has felt to me all along that there were only two paths to healing for me-- one on my own where I can fully embrace that he is a fu%!kwit and I'm better off without him, and one where he is fully remorseful and crawling back on his hands and knees, ready to do whatever it takes, desperately back in love with me. This middle path is complicated for me and I can't quite see it, yet. Trying to continue to focus on me and sit in the moment without fast-forwarding in my head towards any particular destination.

SamCal, you're right in framing M1.0 as being over and not somewhere I'd like to go back to. There are parts of it, though, that I'm really grieving. The knowing in my heart that this person was the one I was going to grow old with.

Sage, he is trying. And trying differently than he did before, with a lot more honesty and transparency-- which is both positive but also hard in that he is categorically not going to say or do anything just because I wish it were so. It still feels a lot about him and what he needs right now and I'm not sure he has anything to give beyond what he's doing today. I'm still working on being OK with just being, in this moment.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
may22 #2904327 09/22/20 11:22 PM
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,433
Likes: 51
V
Member
Offline
Member
V
Joined: May 2011
Posts: 1,433
Likes: 51
Originally Posted by may22
The GALing has been going well, even with barely leaving the house. I haven't pulled the trigger on the hotel room yet, mostly because we're still on total lockdown here and it just doesn't seem safe. So instead I behaved as I would if I were at a hotel. I slept in (my H hates this), I read my novel, I ordered take out instead of cooking (H picked it up). I played board games with the kids, watched a football game of my home team instead of H's, spent gift certificates I'd been saving up on me. I put away all my affair reading and post-nup research. I just put that all out of my mind as much as I could and focused on being OK, gratitude for the small things.


Don't it feel good to self care? Well done!

Originally Posted by may22
Taking a bit of a step back from H is really illuminating. He was quite uncomfortable with all of this. At one point we talked a little about his conversation with AP. I don't think he's going to reach out to do the clarifying thing, the crystal-clear "please never contact me again" statement-- he feels it was clear from the conversation that the door is closed on both sides. And he feels it is his work now to detach emotionally from AP such that even if she did reach out at some point in the future he wouldn't care, that another conversation with her wouldn't help him in that direction. Whatever. His choice, his life, and for me it simply means I have less confidence in this iteration of a reconciliation attempt than perhaps I would otherwise.

I indicated this, grabbed my computer and walked away (to do some online shopping). H stewed for a bit and then came out and said I'd ruined the morning. That he'd been in a good mood and now he wasn't. I asked why? He said, when I think you're upset or angry it makes me upset. I saw you grab your computer and I thought you were coming out here to journal (and presumably write out all the bad $hit I think about him). I said, no, I was spending a gift certificate online. But you should think about why that bothers you so much. What is that pit in your stomach telling you?


This all makes sense. He's not used to this new behavior so he's trying to lure you back into the same pattern. Don't give in. My only small 2x4 is you telling him why he needs to think about it. My three favorite words are "I hear you". That goes a long way with validating whilst staying in your own lane. Remember... how your H deals with his sh!t is his responsibility.

Originally Posted by may22
Then yesterday morning he came to me and said, I feel like you're second guessing staying with me. I feel like you're thinking you made the wrong choice. (I have told him, I'm here, for now, I don't have a lot of trust in you or in this process, but I'm not prepared at this moment to walk out the door or kick you out. I'm OK with just being, for awhile, and seeing where this goes, seeing if you do in fact do the things you've finally told me you want to do, from consciously and with intention detangling yourself emotionally from AP to demonstrating loving behaviors towards me. But I'm not ready to put my ring back on yet. (His is on.)


Another good place for validation.
"I hear you" or "I understand this is a little uncomfortable for you H".

He may push a little more... but you stay firm on your decision that your focus is on you.


Originally Posted by may22
He's really starting to wrestle with his identity and what it means for him to have done what he did in the context of staying. (Still so weird to me that the context matters so much.) He said he has a really hard time imagining totally reopening the emotional connection with me, being totally vulnerable, and then looking at the enormity of the betrayal and what it means that he did that... how can he even process that? I listened. I was not really able to validate (felt more like saying YEAH what does that mean and to me it means you do everything within your power to fix it, not navel-gaze and feel sorry for yourself). But, I listened and asked if he'd worked on that at all with his IC. He said he's been so focused in IC on his ambivalence and what to do that he hasn't really touched on any of this other stuff and he'd like to now.

I also think this is true. From what I can tell... he is used to being center of attention... and you are used to giving it to him (both positively and negatively)

As you recenter your focus to you - he's gonna push it more and more Prepare yourself for that. Whether that's guilt tripping or accusing you of the same behavior... it might take him a little bit to come around to the new dance you are creating. It's okay.

Originally Posted by may22
Anyway... listening to him, I get it. He has a lot of work to do both in getting over AP and in understanding his own behaviors and identity, and that work all has to take place before we are even remotely in a position to consider rebuilding our M. But I also have healing to do, anger and sadness and grief and how to process this betrayal from the one person I believed had my back no matter what.


Totally agree. I just want to touch on the something you said about how us oldies jump to recommend "S". It's not that we want that... but sometimes it's so d@mn hard to get space or self care in a way that's good for us. It can also calm us down so we can act/behave in a way that's true to our integrity. If you can do all those things whilst being in the same house... I think that's really fantastic!

Originally Posted by may22
It has felt to me all along that there were only two paths to healing for me-- one on my own where I can fully embrace that he is a fu%!kwit and I'm better off without him, and one where he is fully remorseful and crawling back on his hands and knees, ready to do whatever it takes, desperately back in love with me. This middle path is complicated for me and I can't quite see it, yet. Trying to continue to focus on me and sit in the moment without fast-forwarding in my head towards any particular destination.


That's the best way to look at it. The "whatever it takes" or "desperately back in love with me" are normal feelings... but also general and not achievable as a grandiose statement. Give it time. It'll become more clear the more you focus on you.

Originally Posted by may22
Sage, he is trying. And trying differently than he did before, with a lot more honesty and transparency-- which is both positive but also hard in that he is categorically not going to say or do anything just because I wish it were so. It still feels a lot about him and what he needs right now and I'm not sure he has anything to give beyond what he's doing today. I'm still working on being OK with just being, in this moment.


That may be true. One day at a time okay? No need to put the cart before the horse.


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
may22 #2904362 09/23/20 03:01 PM
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 549
Likes: 4
C
Member
Offline
Member
C
Joined: Nov 2019
Posts: 549
Likes: 4
May, I feel the focus on you throughout this post, and it makes me really happy. Maybe seeing a middle path clearly isn’t necessary, because you’re creating it as you go, step by step. It is all of these moments you’re prioritizing your own work and healing with IC and through self care (sleep in, root for your home team!), while letting your H have some space to also do the necessary work on himself. You can’t soothe him the way he might have relied on you to in the past—this is his work. You sound more than ever like you know that to your core. ((May))


T: 16 M:10
BD 6/2019
may22 #2904375 09/23/20 07:11 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
may22 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
Thanks Valeska and Cardinal.

Valeska, the "I hear you" is really helpful. I think validation has never been a strong suit for me with my H. I'm definitely getting better at it with my children. I think maybe I need more detachment to be able to validate with authenticity. I still feel annoyed and angry when he starts to veer into territory that smacks of justification. I also have moods where I'm feeling good and strong and centered and am ok with listening to him talk a bit about where he's struggling right now and can validate. Other times, not so much-- or more likely, he'll say something small that triggers me and then I'm angry all over again, and want to just disengage and go do something else for myself. (As I read this, maybe what I need is a lighthearted validation/gotta go kind of phrase that gives me both.)

Question-- do you think that validating him right now interferes with his need to work on himself without leaning on me?

Originally Posted by Valeska
That may be true. One day at a time okay? No need to put the cart before the horse.

This. I need to keep this mantra in my head.

Cardinal-- I hope you're right. It is funny, though, this focus on me needs to come afresh every day. It isn't like a place I get to and stay there. It is always needing to be rediscovered and readjusted. I am also so used to making sure H and the girls are all feeling okay that it is something I need to constantly recalibrate and remind myself to think about ME. And there are so many little things and patterns we have fallen into that recognizing them before getting sucked into them is hard, really hard.

He has this big trip that was planned for the summer, that morphed into the closer-to-home version we took in August, but is back to planning for next summer. He told me this trip is core to his identity and he needs it to rebuild his understanding of who he is, post-A. He *says* with his mouth that he wants me to be a full partner in it, that it should be something we are giving our girls together. And yet he spent so much time planning this while in the midst of the affair that I don't feel like it is mine, too, by any stretch-- for a long time, the trip was the external signal to me of his MLC because I didn't know about the A, so it kind of gets wrapped up together in my mind. Also, I can't really get excited about something that is so far off in the future unknown when we may or may not be together.

This led to some tense moments last night and this morning, H saying I don't understand him if I don't understand why this trip is so important, that I am included and if I wanted to be included I should enthusiastically jump into the planning of it, and the fact that I'm not tells him I'm not excited about it (and therefore don't "see" him)... just going around in circles. He gets really upset if I say anything about not being sure if we'll be together a year from now, makes him feel like I'm not committed. And yet I can't be enthusiastic or committed until... I don't even know. Until I am confident AP is out of the picture for good, both in terms of actual contact and in his head.

it's like, he needs me to be able to collaborate on a medium-term thing for him to be able to be focused and confident in the short-term. He says thinking about this trip and collaborating with me on things like this help him to detach from AP in his head. And yet, I'm having a hard time (actually, simply not really doing it at this point) collaborating on the medium-term things without having commitment or more certainty about the long-term. I don't want to plan an H-focused vacation that may or may not happen. And I'm not really willing at this point to spend a lot of time and energy thinking about a future family scenario where everything between us is peachy but we never got the spark back. That feels like failure to me, at least where I sit right now. H thinks that is a necessary step on the path, if we are ever to get to the fallen-back-in-love R. I just have discomfort because I'm worried that will be good enough for H, and it isn't going to be good enough for me.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
may22 #2904377 09/23/20 07:41 PM
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 332
Likes: 2
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 332
Likes: 2
May

And this iS probably against all rules, but life is so short and you just never know whats around the corner, you didnt know that your m v 1.0 would t exist, you didnt know that H would have an A and yes you dont know if in a years time you will be a family. And im not saying that you need to jump all in, but what is the worst that can happen if you do show your commitment and help plan the trip? Are you afraid of the heartbreak? The man has hurt you in every possible way and you have survived, can he really do any more to cause hurt?
What would it take for you to show your commitment? How can you ever be certain that his AP is out of him mind, that is not something you can control. Obviously this needs to feel right for you, what if its what is needed for him to take that turn and start healing?
Do you know i can totally see my H being like this and i consider it a weakness, im straight to the point and dont mope around and the whole back and forth drives me mad, but we are all different and somehow the universe has put you two together to build a family and be a partnership. You can show commitment whilst still keeping your dignity and commanding respect.

may22 #2904379 09/23/20 08:11 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
This man is extremely extremely self-centered. It seems like he expects you to to take responsibility for his healing from his A. And what is so important to him should be the most important to everyone.

Has he asked you why you need or want at all?

may22 #2904381 09/23/20 08:56 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 6,826
Likes: 156
And I do want to really encourage continuing to take care of you and concern yourself with you. Your H is very needy and that could really suck you dry.

may22 #2904388 09/23/20 10:19 PM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
may22 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
Ginger,

Yup. He is EXTREMELY self-centered. Probably something he's always struggled with somewhat but magnified a thousand times during the A. My belief is that he's maxed out emotionally and simply doesn't have much if anything to give outside of focusing on himself right now. (Much like how I want to be!!) He'll put the kids first (in his mind that is what he is doing right now by recommitting to the M), both in little ways and big, though sometimes I think he has a hard time disconnecting what he wants the kids to want vs what they actually want. But, he's a good dad. And before the A, he was a good H and I felt like he prioritized me.

He has asked and has implemented things I need, but small things. Like small ways to show me he's committed. He's wearing his ring again (and remembering to put it back on after surfing), making an effort to make eye contact, smile, be present. Acts of service have always been my primary LL and he's been doing that quite a bit as well, making meals, cleaning up, unloading the dishwasher, making me a drink, giving me an unsolicited backrub, going grocery shopping. Bigger things I want-- like saying to me that he doesn't give a rat's @ss about AP anymore-- that he won't do. He is pretty explicit that he isn't going to say anything just because he knows I want to hear it, unless it is true, and that we can't fast-forward to that place. He has to get there authentically. Of course he wants me to help him do it (by being nice and fun and not bringing up the A) and I don't know that I can. So we're kind of in a bind there.

He's doing other things that I think he believes are what I need right now, like getting estimates from contractors to renovate the MBR, because it is something I've wanted to do for a long time now and he thinks it is a symbolic way for us to refresh the space (plus he said he feels like so many things have been on hold for us because of the A that he wants to get back to moving forward in our lives together). This is positive I think generally, but it probably wouldn't be the number one thing on my mind if I was asked what I needed right now to heal. I basically want emotional safety and to believe AP is gone for good. He's given me his phone password and told me she is gone for good, but I don't think I can get to that place and actually trust it without time. Just like he can't get to the place of having her gone for good from his head without time. And in the end what I really want is that second thing to happen, not just the first.

Which all leads me back to-- he does his own work, I do mine, and I can't really rely on him for more than the little stuff right now. I just need to accept that and not worry about it so much, I think.

Gigi,

What you describe I feel, a lot of the times. What do I have to lose? I've said over and over that it is worth TRYING and I know even if I do open my heart back up and have it broken again that I'll survive. What is stopping me is a few things-- one, feeling stupid, two, being tired of shoving down my own needs yet again for my H, I feel like it is just setting us up for a lifetime of him thinking he can walk all over me, three, I feel tapped out at the moment and don't feel like being his emotional crutch anymore. I feel like svcking it up and being fun and planning this trip just subsumes my own needs to his, again, and I'm just not prepared to do that at this exact moment until I feel a little more secure in the direction we are headed.

I also consider his behavior a weakness. I have lost a lot of respect for him through this whole process. He has always been someone who was decisive and truthful and definitely didn't mope around like this. It is really not an attractive look.

Maybe I can think about what I need to see from him, behaviorally, and hear from him in order to feel OK giving him more of what he wants. But all in all I just want to keep the focus on me for awhile rather than him for awhile. I've never really done this before and I want to exercise it like a muscle.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
may22 #2904400 09/24/20 05:56 AM
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 1,048
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 1,048
Quote
Bigger things I want-- like saying to me that he doesn't give a rat's @ss about AP anymore-- that he won't do. He is pretty explicit that he isn't going to say anything just because he knows I want to hear it, unless it is true, and that we can't fast-forward to that place. He has to get there authentically.


Hello May!

I have been reading along with you these past few weeks but not posting much. I'm not sure if you want advice, or. not, so please forgive me and ignore if I overstep. But this, above, what your husband is saying to you - can you say some version of that right back at him regarding his trip?

It looks to me like he doesn't really have a problem with how you are behaving day to day, and in general, you don't have a problem with how he's behaving day to day. But each of you want the other to feel and think something that you don't trust is happening and don't think you can be happy without. And each of you want 'evidence' that that feeling and thinking change is taking place. Now I've got much more sympathy with your need than I do with your husband's - he's continued being dishonest and the business with the mementoes seems like a dramatic and silly gesture - just like this trip. I think he's addicted to drama and big events and is trying to replace the AP with the trip. And I think you're right to let him get on with his life and concentrate entirely on yourself, and tell him you're not yet ready to collaborate with him because you 'can't fast forward to that place' (use his words - let him recognise what you are doing).

But more generally, I think you're both supplying the same energy to this dynamic - in that you want the other person to think and feel a certain way, and provide evidence of that thinking and feeling in a change of behaviour. I don't think that is necessarily unreasonable, but there's so much pressure on this - your husband communicating in all kinds of ways that he won't be okay, he won't be happy, he won't be faithful - unless he gets what he wants from you - and I think in some ways you are doing the same back - you won't be okay in the marriage, you won't be committed - unless you get what you need from him. There's a lot of bargaining and this is why you are stuck.

My feeling is that you won't resolve this without a separation. He doesn't seem to be able to leave you alone and sort out his own trip, deal with his own feelings, and learn to be okay even if his wife is angry with him, or has hurt him, or is busy with her own life and. not able to spend as much time as she once did polishing up his ego and participating in his adolescent fantasies. I think he will work on you to provide that 'supply' forever - because even if working on you causes an argument, causes upset, and still doesn't get him what he wants, that is preferable to him than looking inwards and meeting some of his own needs and soothing his own ego. I really do.

But as you've decided to stay, and you're communicating to him pretty powerfully that there's pretty much nothing he can do that would cause you to end the marriage (it's a very very parental type relationship, isn't it?) I think the only thing you can do is work on acceptance - he's selfish and dishonest and isn't able to really participate in an adult functioning marriage. He's going to carry on trying to get you hooked into a game where you meet his needs while yours aren't important. You will probably never, ever be able to reasonably trust him while also being clear sighted and honest with yourself. If you can accept those things, I think you will be able to detach from him fully and he'll be this slightly embarrassing presence in the house you have to bump into now and again while you're off living your amazing life. That might not be your destination, but I do think you won't get past where you are now until you go through that gate.

may22 #2904404 09/24/20 09:40 AM
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
M
may22 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
M
Joined: Sep 2019
Posts: 1,435
Likes: 10
Hi Alison!!

How are you? I have been thinking of you quite a bit... figured you were taking a break from this place. Which I kind of want to do too, but am not sure I can at this exact moment. Can you give an update on how things are going with you?

I took your advice and said exactly that to H tonight about the trip, with his own words. That I'm simply not in a place to engage with him about the trip authentically. He said, OK. Then he asked, when will you be? I said, I don't know. When things are more solid. When you're over AP. He said, what if that never happens? I said, (Kind of pissed off but I don't think I showed it) then, we'll have to see, I guess. (He goes, and then what about the KIDS??? I walked away.)

I also suggested taking more space from each other in the house. Even if we aren't separated, to not expect to spend time together in the evenings after the kids go down. To do our own thing. He didn't agree to it exactly-- I kind of laid it out there are something to consider, and he seemed open to it-- but I think the next time we talk I'll say it is what I need right now. I know I've fed this dynamic for a very very long time, and I need to constantly be thinking and consciously letting go, not interacting, not responding to him and also not dumping my own $hit on him either, which I've also done for years.

What I'm trying to do right now and what I talked to my IC about today is just being, now. Just accepting what is and being OK with it. Not pushing for any particular outcome, or outlining in my head what comes next. Just being.

In terms of trusting again... I know I've said this before but I'm a trusting fool. I can't help it, it is who I am. I have to consciously remind myself NOT to trust H right now. Maybe I'm missing a spidey sense. It has burnt me professionally and (clearly now) personally but I'm OK with it. It is part of who I am and I don't want to lose that just because H is an unworthy duck. Whether with H or someone else in the future, it is important to me to be able to trust fully, again. This is something I'm not really all that worried about-- if we get there together, ok. great. if we don't, we don't, and we move on from there. But it isn't something I can or should expect today and I'm just going to not worry about it, for now.

In terms of communicating to him there is nothing he could do to end this M... he's said something twice over the past couple of days that was confusing to me, and I'm not sure how to respond, so I haven't. He said maybe it would be better if I could tell him if he contacted her again it would absolutely be over and I would kick him out of the house. I'm not sure how to interpret that and don't really know what he means. IC wondered if he's trying to push my boundaries or pull a bit of a power play. I have actually been working on for myself what I'll do if he does it again, which is-- call my mom and tell her, then call my other best friend (who doesn't know) and tell her. I think those two conversations will set enough into place for the momentum to carry me through kicking him out. The finances will all be handled in the post-nup so all we'll have to talk about is what to tell the kids and how long it will take for him to get his @ss out of the house. But, these plans are for ME, not for him. And it felt weird disclosing them to him, so I didn't. Any thoughts on this? Part of me thinks he wants an ultimatum to help him keep to his decision and the other (larger) half of me thinks he wants to be able to shove it all off on me and just wants an excuse. So I've just not responded, but would be interested in your interpretations.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
Page 9 of 11 1 2 7 8 9 10 11

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard