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Originally Posted by job
How did S's D19 get in your house? Did S let her in? Were you aware that the dog was being dropped off? As for the mess you found later, if S was there, I would have definitely advised her that she needed to clean it up.
D19 called the night before and asked and so we left the door unlocked for her. She texted me when she was on her way to drop the dog off and then after.

Her photo shoot went well and she's going to go back in to shoot the person's entire spring line in a week or so. She is a capable and hard-working model. The pay is surprisingly low in some ways for this sort of work at least from my point of view and she was bone tired after but came to get her puppy before going home. Over-all the dog was well behaved and I'm of the practice "see it - deal with it" as far as the deposits on the rugs go. I'm looking forward to having full access to the rugs and giving them a good shampoo.

Originally Posted by kml
You might ask her, at an appropriate moment, “ hey, I noticed you looking at apartments the other day. Are you thinking of moving out? “. There might be a benign explanation, like S18 wanted to know how much he needs to budget for, or she’s looking for a friend. Or she might get flustered and deny she was looking, in which case you’ll have more information.
So - here's what I "know". S made a comment about something more long term planning wise involving S18 (burying some pets that are currently residing in the freezer) that "he was waiting to be sure things were going to work out". So it is certainly top of mind. After our time out today though she said about the same thing that she was going to check with him to see if he was ok with doing it now. I do still think that she has been considering her options which a an adult with responsibilities is only reasonable. Given her history I can imagine that it's tough to go "all-in".

We did talk about her old apartment and land-lady and if she's likely to find new tenants for such a big apartment. S openly mentioned the apartments she had up on her screen and talked about them in a general kind of way. I'm pretty sure that she is wanting S18 to be on his own like was her original plan. I still think that's a bad idea until he gets his feet under him better but I'm not the Dad. Whether that's why she was looking or just general browsing, only she knows.

Despite me coming here originally to "bust my divorce" I'm not going to bend myself out of shape here. If she decides that this isn't working for her and the boys, then that is the choice that she as a responsible adult makes. As a caring, mature person, I need to work on being a supportive partner and one key thing that I've learned is to not chase after something that is already over. Not that this is by any stretch of the imagination. Despite my angst at the time, ending things last year with B was a very instructive lesson for me. That you can let go of someone you care about and that that is indeed ok. It's better to do that than to hurt them by trying to force something that just plain isn't going to work.

Originally Posted by kml
I think going for a ramble with S tomorrow is a good idea - one problem may be that the two of you have had very little couple time since she moved in.
We had a lovely day. It didn't quite go as planned as we had to ferry S18 to his job and back but we had a grand time. We actually found pretty much the exact desk I'm looking for for about $40 at a flea market. I left it there (not going anywhere, the vendor uses it as a display) and want to see what is involved in doing veneer repair. I do know that these flip top typists desks are still fairly common and am in no rush. S had planned and we went up to a combination cafe / book shop in an old mill and had a lovely lunch and wander about. I think it really helped us reconnect and we need to do this sort of thing more often. Or at least regularly. It's been a loooong time since we just took a day for "us". S has been making a much bigger effort this weekend to show that she appreciates me and I have been doing the same pointing out that I haven't been kissing her "properly" recently and that needs to be rectified and then following words with action.

Sad but positive news. "The girls" have moved out. S26 came by this afternoon and got them. It's hitting me fairly hard as anyone who knows me can imagine. He's sent me a couple of texts - the girls hid under his bed for a short while and are now exploring his small apartment. It's amazing how big of a hole it makes just knowing that they're not here.

I will be seeing them next weekend though as I'll be going over for brunch. S26 has sent me a couple of texts that they were hiding under his bed but are now out having an explore. He took their litter box and Liz's bed so they will have lots to remind them of home. Plus their Grandpa will be coming for a visit.


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I’m finally going to visit my middle son next weekend (it’s his birthday and I haven’t seen him since January because of Covid) and I will finally get to meet his new kitten (now half grown) that I have been admiring from afar! He’s a strikingly handsome cat, I must say.

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Andrew,

I am so glad that you and S had a nice day together. I am sorry to read that the girls have moved out, but they will adjust to their new surroundings and will not have to share space w/the newcomers. I know that you had mentioned that your son was living in a "no pet" place. What will happen if the landlord discovers the girls and they have to go? Would you be willing to take them back in until your son could find another place that would accommodate them? I would hate, at some future time, that they are bounced around again.

I'm sure the girls will be happy to see you when you go to visit. Now you have more of an excuse to go visit.

I hope this week is a far better week for you.


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The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Originally Posted by job
I know that you had mentioned that your son was living in a "no pet" place. What will happen if the landlord discovers the girls and they have to go? Would you be willing to take them back in until your son could find another place that would accommodate them? I would hate, at some future time, that they are bounced around again.
According to my understanding landlords can't actually stop you from having pets. Since they are obliged to provide a minimum of 24 hours notice before going into a unit, the current plan is that the girls can stay over here for a day or so at a time as necessary.

The house feels so very much emptier without them here. Liz would sit on top of the refrigerator and survey and judge the world below from there. It's glaring to have that space empty.

Originally Posted by job
I hope this week is a far better week for you.
So far relatively smooth work-wise but with a number of challenges. Because we operate on fairly short lead-times demand cycles in and out. Today is a slow day and I just finished dealing with a customer issue where they are putting off orders for a few days. The weather is nice so the plant staff are going to do outside maintenance "getting ready for winter". A nice change in some ways from the past few weeks where we were juggling trucks trying to ship as fast as we could.

Just found out last night that S's D19 is needing to be tested for COVID. Her room-mate has recently gotten back together with her boyfriend who has an active case of it. So a few days of visiting her family, including us briefly needs to be looked at. D19 is freaking out more than a bit. The interaction here consisted of her dropping off her dog and yesterday coming by to borrow a key to her dad's storage locker. Of course it was several days after she could have been exposed before her room-mate thought to mention it to her.

S has developed a bit of a cough but that may well be seasonal. We're planning on hunkering down until D19's test results come back.


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I may be a little behind, so forgive me if I say something that has already been covered, but I agree with those who commented on what your friends said about S. First, bad move to TELL HER what they said. That puts your friends in a negative light in S's mind and puts her on the defensive and that really isn't a good place for her to be. But, like Don said, if IRL people and people here are all kind of saying the same thing, maybe that is a sign you should listen. LOL

As far as S preparing to bolt, maybe she is and maybe she isn't, but the whole tone of your posts lately make me wonder if that isn't somehow in the back of your mind as well...cutting your losses, so to speak. Whatever S and her boys is adding to your life is for you to decide and determine what actual value that gives to you. But, just from the tone of your writing, you don't necessarily seem terribly happy lately. Maybe you are and we are just hearing the "bad stuff" so to speak, because this is a place to vent that, but even in some of your venting "bad stuff" before, you still had a slightly jovial tone that seems to be completely missing now. Perhaps I'm wrong and I'm making way too many assumptions. Perhaps I'm crazier than an old wet hen. Perhaps I'm dead on the money. Who knows? Only you....and I suspect even you aren't 100% sure.

I'm falling back to the position that I was in a week or so (or maybe a little longer) ago when I said to really think about what ANDREW wants, independently of what S and her kids want and what anyone else, for that matter, wants. And, I think I said at the time, that is a rhetorical question, so don't feel obligated to put it out there here, if you don't want to, but seriously, do take the time to at least think about it. I miss the old Andrew and I suspect parts of you miss him too.


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what seems obvious to me is that S may not be unpacking because she may feel like she's not altogether sure she's going to stay, for any number of possible reasons, including that she may not feel like this is home yet.

it's worth a discussion.

If I bring my dog somewhere, I make sure he has a gentle airing before drop off to avoid such incidents. Maybe that can be stated for future reference. Seems like you're picking up a lot of figurative and literal $h!t that's not yours. As someone who has been doing a lot of the same I recognize the signs. Helps to set the boundaries, at least for me. Takes away chance of resentment down the road. Just a thought.

also, I would not mention anything anyone says to you about her unless it's lovely, glowingly positive, etc. Anything else is unnecessarily hurtful and puts a strain on your relationship with both her and her relationship with your friends, as others have noted.

I suggest a weekly "date night" or some such thing.

and seriously - clamp down on the revolving door! covid #s are spiking all over the place. The time to get serious about personal safety and hygiene is now, for all of us. do you have some sort of hygiene station or rules about hand washing as soon as everyone gets in the door?


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Happy Wednesday all.

Just saw a thing that resonated that I'm not going to post on my social media feed that sort of summarizes the mood.
Quote
One thing that books teach us is that if your life [censored] right now, you just haven't gotten to the good part

Coming up to 1 year from first date next Tuesday. I need to do something nice for S but am not sure what. The restaurant we had brunch at is still open for customers so perhaps we'll go there.

Dawn - your aim was indeed right on the money. I'm not feeling the Joy that I used to have. It is indeed like moving back in under a cloud again. What keeps me going is that there is consistent progress on getting organized with the occasional back-sliding. The physical environment is indeed I think the biggest factor here. S's D26 is showing up to help with the organizing today after not being available recently so that will hopefully move things along quite a bit. S can do so much with sorting and unpacking, but the putting away and organizing how things work is beyond her. And it's pretty clear that she doesn't want me to take charge of that even though I think she knows it's something I do well. I expect that it's because it's involving "her stuff" and she has bad memories of being told to just throw all of her things away. Which isn't the case here as I've disposed of probably 75% of my physical library and a good chunk of furniture to make room among other items.

As you suggest bttrfly - making some "us" time is also needing to be a priority. S won't go out for walks even around the block with the dog and I but is thrilled when I spend time with her in front of the TV. Shame - the weather has been great, the dog has a lot of fun and it would probably be good for her back.

S and I had a conversation yesterday about how I was fine with my old marriage. I think her angle was some concern that if my ex became available that we'd get back together and she'd be shuffled to the curb. And it also maybe made her feel a "second choice". I assured her that while I did think that I had a pretty decent marriage and do speak positively about things that have gone on in the past, that given the way that it ended that there was no way that I would go back. I've also had to reassure her that my single days were indeed better than my married days. Unfortunately the current situation isn't up to the level that I got to having spent most of my adult life with person who I was adapted to.

On the other hand, S is often wistful about her past lives too but I know better than to call her out on it.

I try to disregard the sunk costs involved here and keep my eye on the long term goal. I know, especially from past experience that there is no perfect partner out there who would slot into the life I had as a single guy. I like to think that I'm the sort of person who does his best to appreciate those gifts that I have been given - asked for or not. And make the best of them. Not someone who spends his time wishing for what he doesn't have.

As part of that, I need to make my own light again, this time with the help of S. My biggest worry is that she won't understand what that means. A lot of what I remember of the bits that darkened my sky years ago have strong echos again now. A perceived lack of control of my environment, a tolerance for mess and clutter, not feeling like a full partner or a leader in the decision making. She, like my ex, also seems to like a lifestyle that is much more sedentary than what I enjoy - certainly at odds to what was portrayed in the early months of dating. A lot of talking about doing, but very little actually being done.

----

In other news, S's D19's Covid tests came back negative which is a relief to all. I have my pulmonary tests coming up next Friday and hopefully that will get enough information back to my GP to help with analyzing my issues. Google has not been my friend on this regularly coming up with a word that begins with C. S I don't think has done similar research as this I don't think is as "real" as when my leg was swollen up to a massive size.

I'm going to be seeing S26 this weekend coming and "the girls". I can still actively feel the hole their presence has left. Now they are gone, S has taken to leaving the door to the MBR open for critters to wander in and out of because there is no worry about my roses. Or so I've been assured. I want to get S26 a house-warming present but am stuck for ideas still. I'd thought about a cat-tree but because he may need to shuffle them here on fairly short notice that's not the best of choices. He's a big Bengals fan - maybe a popcorn popper to enjoy during the game and a supply of tissues for him after the game ends? laugh


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You just had an angiogram, if there had been something lurking in your lungs they would probably have noticed it. (yes, they're focused on the heart, but the lungs are right there and quite a bit would be seen in the films).

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So - S is too sedentary and has hoarding tendencies like your ex.

She also doesn't appear to have any motivation to actually earn a living.

So - if you were in couples counseling with her - you might be telling her things like how much it bothers you to have the house in disarray and how important it is to you to get the unpacking finished. That it reminds you - in a bad way - of your hoarder ex-wife.

You also might tell her that you're worried about her health and her back problems and would like her to try walking more with you to improve it.

You also might simply ask her what her plans are in terms of starting to work? (I imagine this will be influenced at present by S13 being remote schooled, right?)

Also - I must ask - what do you think she is doing all day while you're at work? Do you have a sense? Is she sleeping half the day from being up so late watching TV and then just schooling S13 and making dinner?

BTW - is she on pain meds for her back? Narcotics?

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So - this is going to sound negative - don't bother beating me up about it please. I like to think that I'm aware.

Originally Posted by kml
So - S is too sedentary and has hoarding tendencies like your ex.
Yep. Although there is a tendency in humans to look for and see patterns.

Originally Posted by kml
So - if you were in couples counseling with her - you might be telling her things like how much it bothers you to have the house in disarray and how important it is to you to get the unpacking finished. That it reminds you - in a bad way - of your hoarder ex-wife.
While it does have reminders of my ex, it's more about me. As you undoubtedly know, I have a huge amount of house-pride. This place, while lived in, was neat, tidy organized and clean. Now it's not. And that's wearing on me. I've not dusted since May I think. Not enough uncluttered surfaces. Despite the existence of the chore list, it's mostly me. S will have a burst of energy and find the living room floor from time to time for example and vacuum it. But it's me that scrubs the toilets, does the dishes, makes the bed, does the common laundry. It's all I can make time for. The dust bunnies have I think created their own civilizations. S18 will feed the critters in the evening and cuts the grass now. S13 does absolutely nothing.

I am frankly highly embarrassed about it, especially when others see the inside of the house. Not that we have company other than the kids. And her kids aren't bothered by it at all. I'm confident that S26 is glad he's not part of this at all and I'm sure he can see the stress it puts me under.

S has been upping her game significantly in the past week - not sure it will be sustained. Possibly co-incidental with her questioning if this will work out I don't doubt. She's washed some of the dishes a few times (I dry later and put them away). She's done some of my laundry (I need to figure out where my socks and undershirts went. She made sure to put the underwear where I would find it.). She does know that the state of the house bothers me and I like to think that it bothers her too.

I do know though how much she resented her most recent ex and what to her was an obsession with tidy where he would leave notes she would say if shoes weren't lined up properly and really push her on the cleaning. How much of that is obsession and how much is just maintaining standards could perhaps be argued at this point. When she's cared for her Dad or visited him for an extended period of time she can keep his house in the "neat as a new pin" state that he likes but hates how particular he is. There is a lot of built up resentment she has towards her father. Her ex she I think views as a comedic figure.

Originally Posted by kml
You also might tell her that you're worried about her health and her back problems and would like her to try walking more with you to improve it.
Yeah - sung that song. She doesn't feel up to it whenever I ask although she has come out for a few blocks a couple of times. I've learned that I just need to go out and do it if I want to walk.

Originally Posted by kml
You also might simply ask her what her plans are in terms of starting to work? (I imagine this will be influenced at present by S13 being remote schooled, right?)
I asked her about if she was going to look for a job and she said that her back issues wouldn't allow it. She's going "into business" but doesn't have a business plan. She's tried a number of things over the years that have gone bust - according to her because her back acts up. And then she ends up with a large amount of supplies which she has hung on to. She has had some people approach her to do aura readings and has said she will but then never follows through. To be honest, I don't expect any endeavor to last any amount of time and have decided that if she's looking for funding to say no. That's where $9k of what she had to borrow as a consolidation loan was caused by. She'd borrowed it from her STBX's home equity line.

Her current ideas - can't call it a plan - is to have some sort of store in the enclosed (and unheated) front porch, and do readings for individuals or groups. She has an accumulation of knick knacks purchased from Wish that are "maybe good for the store".

Originally Posted by kml
Also - I must ask - what do you think she is doing all day while you're at work? Do you have a sense? Is she sleeping half the day from being up so late watching TV and then just schooling S13 and making dinner?
She's usually up until about 2:00 am or so. Sleeps until about 10:00 or 12:00 depending on when S13 gets her up. I'll go in and make the bed after she gets up because it's not something she does except occasionally. They've only had 2 home school days so far and those started at 10:00. She'll do some puttering around the house trying to organize but gets overwhelmed (which is why her daughter is her today). Dinner will be tossed together some of the days but a lot of times it's convenience food or basic pasta and sauce. Then she's worn out and watches TV and plays games on her phone until 2:00 am. She has a huge library of self-help books and fiction but spends little time reading.

I'm up at 6:00 most days and in the home office around 7:00. Work through the day until about 5:30 or so. One the weekends I sleep in to sometimes as late as 8:00. Usually in bed before 9:00.

Originally Posted by kml
BTW - is she on pain meds for her back? Narcotics?
She has 2 sets of pills. Both pretty powerful stuff. I've looked up the names and what she and the boys are both on are highly regulated. One set for her ADD and one for her back. None of what I'm whining about is a related side-effect though. It's just part of who she is.

--------------

So all of this sounds pretty horrible written out which is only part of the picture. I'm not going to be an apologist for her here though. Much of this I didn't know or understand until we had been dating for some time although I should perhaps have suspected. I didn't see the inside of her apartment for a very long time. I didn't know about the severity of her alcohol allergy for at least a couple of months. I had no idea about the meds she was on until she stayed over the first time but then didn't know anything about them for quite a while after that. I was aware that she'd attempted some business ventures that never lasted long. The restaurant. The knick-knack / holistic stuff shop. The allergen free baking.

Trickle truth if you will. Intended to not scare me off until thoroughly hooked. And yes - it worked.

I do know that she is unhappy living like she has. She prefers clean and tidy and while she has the practical skills to do it, doesn't have the mental skills to do it. Getting to something that you have written about kml - I don't think it would be a good idea if anything happened to me for her to be in this house by herself. There's no way she could keep it up even on her own. She'll need to be with her kids perhaps so that she is accountable for the day to day.

Originally Posted by Budd Wasisname
Only 19

As I was walking way down by the strand
I met a fair damsel so handsome and grand
She had buckles and broaches of silver and gold.
Says I, now what a dandy and only 19 years old.

Well, I courted her truly while keeping her fed
The weeks went by and finally we were wed
And when we got married the wedding bells tolled
Says I, now what a dandy and only 19 years old.

The wedding being over we retired to rest
You can bet I was astounded when my wife did undress
Such an armload of battings as my wife did unfold
Says I, now what a dandy and only 19 years old.

Well, she took off her cork-leg right off to her knee
She unbuttoned her blouse; till I counted three
She then plucked our her glass eye, on the floor it did roll
Says I, now what a dandy and only 19 years old.

She took off her eyebrows I thought I would faint
For she took from her face a good bucket of paint
She then took off her false wig and her bald head soon told
She was handier 90 than 19 years old.

So come all you young fellows wherever you go
Examine your true love from her head to her toe
For if you don’t do it your bound to be sold
To a patch-up geyser about 90 years old.


And yes - I do still have optimism about the future. We just have to get past this physical chaos stage which is a definite priority for both of us.


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