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Hi Cardinal,

I’m following along and wanted to say how much reading your posts, your questions and the advice offered here is helping me.

I think I was just about to enter a space where I was going to have to start coming up with some boundaries, but then as you know he’s made a large change in his behaviour and isn’t really here in anymore. All the same, prob best to prepare some scenarios so I’m not caught off guard when / if he comes back. I will def reread Dnjs posts...

As for buying joint items, I don’t have an answer but I can tell you want just happened in my sitch. We’ve been going along just fine splitting the bills and the grocery bill...until last week when I did a large shop and got spewed at for “why would you do that I’m not here to use any of that and I’m not sharing the bill anymore?” (Of course in hindsight he was preparing to “not be here”.)

So I replied “great, I can’t read minds so going forward we can certainly shop for ourselves.” Of course, up until he started leaving he was most certainly using and eating things I bought. I think going forward I will just buy for me. But you do bring up a very good point about certain staples being “magically restocked”.....

They change their behaviour so fast ...it’s unreal to think about what must be going through their heads.

Just wanted to point out how well you’re doing with the new job, separate bank account and mental fortitude.

And thx for the virtual hugs ...I needed them.

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Just keep a record of every joint expense you pay for or pay half of. Keep a record of EVERYTHING. They use it against you later if a D happens, and you need to be able to show your contributions to marital debt/equity.

I didn't do this because I wasn't going to get a D no matter what. I left everything joint and kept putting my salary in our joint account to pay bills. And believe me, I am paying dearly for that..


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Heading into the first week of teaching and the first week of my new job. I'm definitely a bit nervous! I'm about to be even busier, so I thought I would take a few minutes to post an update. (Oh--Quick question re: new job: I'd been planning to enroll in my own health insurance and get off of H's plan asap. Is there any downside to doing that I should consider? It's the same plan, same benefits, premium, etc., but I'd be in charge and separate from H, which seems a plus to me.)

I was a bit worried about how this first month of our splitting utilities and rent would go, and my mom wisely reminded me I should just email H the total that I would pay as a receipt, and then ask him where he'd like me to put it (in our joint account, where he is no longer depositing his work checks? Write him a check?). (I'm documenting everything, Gerda!) It took him a few days to respond, but he deposited his half in our joint account and said I could do the same. All good there, except now that I'm officially contributing half of the rent (whereas before all of our money just went to the same place), I've been noticing some resentment on my part when I am the only one to clean our bathroom as I've done for the past 15 months or take care of the yard, etc. Part of me is like, okay, we're officially roommates, so you need to do your part. Of course, I know this isn't how it works with someone in H's state. So I'll try to let go of that and just be glad, for instance, that he's been gone more lately and the house is peaceful. I'm trying to think of splitting expenses as a way for me to save money--trying to be positive.

Something else came up before that—I had a question about finances because I've been trying to figure out how best to complete my new W4s so I won't owe taxes next year. Of course that depends in part on knowing H's wages and how much he's withheld so far. I started to bring up taxes with H, and he cut me off by saying he's filing singly (married filing singly) next year, no more joint. From my limited research, I already knew in a community property state that wouldn't benefit us: our total income would still be considered joint, and it would just put us in a higher tax bracket, resulting in a higher bill. We already always owe because H never withholds much from his job. I spoke with a financial advisor whose response was, not surprisingly, "Well, I'm not sure what kind of reasoning your H is using, but that status is usually only used in the case of one party being worried about the other's tax fraud, because all it will do is result in a higher bill for him." I have to laugh now when people assume H should be rational and are confused when he's not.

The advisor went on to say some very DB things like, "Just because your H is saying he's going to file that way now doesn't mean it will actually happen. [Kindly, they do change their minds a lot! smile ]. Keep your side of the street clean and focus on the present," and "Your whole future is ahead of you--you're going to be great even if it doesn't feel like it now," and "Don't you ever consider giving up your rights to H's pension! You deserve it. Repeat after me: You deserve it."

It was great to note that six, eight months ago I was still in the place where I didn't like to hear that I would be okay without H, or that it was okay to move on, or anything like that. Listening to him made me realize that I really do believe all of that now, and I'm more excited than afraid about my future.

I re-read DnJ's post:
Originally Posted by "DnJ"
He cannot hurt you!

It’s true. His words are just words. You control you. Be indifferent to him - shield. Let him yammer on. Who cares. Nothing he says can really hurt you. Your boundary is your mental understanding of what he is going through, and seeing the truth beyond his words. It’s about him.

I am getting there, getting better at reinforcing that understanding.

But I'm also still going through cycles of anger; reading Sage's post resonated with me tonight. It used to be anger about H ending the M, or H taking off his ring, all of that BD stuff early on, or, later, H dating while still M. More and more I think it's about my coming to a place where I am ready to embrace the future and build my new life, but I can't fully do that while living with H. I can't get access to our savings statements, because the account has always been in his name--that continues to be an intermittent source of frustration too. I'm still feeling like I might have filed if I wasn't afraid of losing money to L. DnJ pointed out that the MLCer has to think an idea is their own, and I have seen that. So I keep thinking if I can just be patient, he'll file eventually, he'll move this process along, and it will turn out better for me the more he thinks each step (let's hope moving out) is his idea.

But I am still questioning how long I want to wait for H to file. It's such a technicality at this point. I feel like, yep, the M is over, I totally accept that. I do think I can be open to any future possibilities with H whether we are D or not. Right now I'm sort of planning to check in with myself in December. I think, really, is H going to go through another wedding anniversary without filing, another whole year when he is set on "separating" himself from me by filing taxes singly next year? Sigh. I'm not holding my breath that he's going to take any action (like MO or filing) on his side in the next few months, but I guess I can't predict the future, can I?


T: 16 M:10
BD 6/2019
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lose money to a lawyer or lose God knows how much by your H's control of your joint monies ... you get to decide. not a great variety of choices my friend. chose the one you can live with the easiest.

overall you sound great. I can tell you've been working hard. you are strong and much more confident. wishing you all the best this week with the new gig and always, Cardinal.

remember it's a process - a process of becoming the new you. xoxoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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Good Morning cardinal

I agree with bttrfly, you sounds strong and confident.

Congratulations with the teaching job. Yes, it’s a bit nerve racking starting a new job - you’ll do great!

The insurance plan: Having your own plan is a good idea. The only downside, is that some plans have a waiting period before certain benefits kick in, or activate. Considering that, the sooner you start the better.

Glad to see this month’s splitting rent/expenses went ok. I do understand the feelings of resentment of looking after everything while the roommate does little of the hands on maintenance stuff. Ah, feelings. They’ll fade. You wisely know H’s current state; remember expectations will cause resentment.

Your advisor is right - your future, pension, etc. H will change his mind a bunch between now and tax filing time. Keep your side of the street clean.

Originally Posted by cardinal
More and more I think it's about my coming to a place where I am ready to embrace the future and build my new life, but I can't fully do that while living with H. I can't get access to our savings statements, because the account has always been in his name--that continues to be an intermittent source of frustration too.

Can’t vs won’t.

Your mind is listening.

You can embrace your future and build a new life, even with H underfoot. It’s difficult, sure, it’s not impossible. Please do not limit yourself with “can’t”; those kind of ideas have a way of getting into one’s beliefs.

The saving account, is a problem. Is the account solely in his name? If so, and it is suppose to joint... That will take some finesse or legal action. I’d start with the former and see where things go.

Originally Posted by cardinal
I'm still feeling like I might have filed if I wasn't afraid of losing money to L.

Two things: Rationalize your fear, it’s holding you back, paralyzing you. Money spent on a L is not lost, it is invested in your future. Second, listen to your feelings but do not following them regarding filing or any major decisions. Look to logic and reason and beliefs. Feelings change and when they do, so does your “reasons” for whatever action you took based upon them.

Be patient, let H walk his path, you walk your’s.

Originally Posted by cardinal
But I am still questioning how long I want to wait for H to file.

Expectations.

Are you looking to H filing? Are you looking to filing?

Originally Posted by cardinal
Right now I'm sort of planning to check in with myself in December. I think, really, is H going to go through another wedding anniversary without filing, another whole year when he is set on "separating" himself from me by filing taxes singly next year? Sigh. I'm not holding my breath that he's going to take any action (like MO or filing) on his side in the next few months

Lots of timeframes and deadlines here.

Originally Posted by cardinal
I do think I can be open to any future possibilities with H whether we are D or not.

Hope is without a timeframe or deadline.

Ensure your financial security and keep moving forward. Do be open to the possibilities, to hope.

Originally Posted by cardinal
...but I guess I can't predict the future, can I?

The future is unknown. And yes, you are quite correct - predicting the future, one of the few things that are truly “can’t”.

For what it’s worth, be patient, it’s too early to tell which way H is going to go.

D


Feelings are fleeting.
Be better, not bitter.
Love the person, forgive the sin.
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Quote
I'm still feeling like I might have filed if I wasn't afraid of losing money to L.


MLCers don't file if it benefits them financially not to. You need to be careful financially here.

1) Waiting to file might give H more time to squander any savings - if they're significant you might need to file to protect your share.

2) You've already been married more than ten years, right? So you would have access to Social Security benefits if half of his was greater than your on your own account. You could also take widow's benefits if he died.

3) Make sure he's not taking out debt that could be construed as marital debt.

4) A lawyer will protect your financial interests. You should at the very least have a consultation with one to see what, if anything, you should be doing right now to protect yourself financially. Sometimes that means filing, sometimes that means waiting.

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(For those out there who are close to ten years married but not quite there yet, always a good idea to wait until you've been married ten years, just to preserve that option - if you're in the US.)

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Cardinal, popping in to say Blossom laid her first egg yesterday, and Marigold her first this am. They hatched on 5/4/20. Buff Orps.

They are both so affectionate lately and want to take turns sitting on my lap. I made curtains for their nest box. I think I've become a crazy chicken lady.

How's it going with you?


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
~ Mary Oliver
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HI Cardinal,

Haven't seen you for a bit. How are things going?

PLC

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Thinking of you and hoping you are doing well xx M


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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