A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL OFFER TO INTRODUCE YOU TO DB COACHING
Save $75. Offer for new clients and available October 26 - 30 only
SINGLE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE SESSION FOR ONLY $100

CALL 303-444-7004

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10
Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2904160
09/19/20 06:26 AM
09/19/20 06:26 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
K
kml Online OP
Member
kml  Online OP
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
Correction: 8% of the controls died, not 4%. And remember they still received standard therapy, just no vitamin D.

Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2904174
09/19/20 01:57 PM
09/19/20 01:57 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
K
kml Online OP
Member
kml  Online OP
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
Btw you can read the actual study if you go to pubmed and put in calcifediol AND Covid in the search box.

Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2904178
09/19/20 02:16 PM
09/19/20 02:16 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline
Member
AndrewP  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
Perhaps not directly related but I recall an article that suggested that sunlight and fresh air were the best things for people during the 1918 pandemic. And an increase in vitamin D was specifically mentioned.

Of course, not being in a closed in Victorian era sanitorium with a bunch of other sick people was probably a good thing too.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2904240
09/20/20 11:19 PM
09/20/20 11:19 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
K
kml Online OP
Member
kml  Online OP
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
Nice long chat with my middle son today. He did mention that his father called him recently, for the first time in several months. (Son had come to the realization that he was always doing the reaching out, so thought he’d sit back and see how long it took if he did nothing. Now we know.)

We talked about some practical fears he has about his disability and possible future pain issues (which I think were on his mind because of his fathers current chronic pain condition). We also talked about his budget and finances - he doesn’t have much fat in his budget but we did talk about how buying certain food items at Costco might allow him to shave off a little bit. His fancy new chair that I helped him buy is working wonderfully got his pain when seated working.

In discussing budgets I spoke about how his dad and I really should have saved more during our marriage, although some of the bigger ticket items like trips and family dinners out were nice memories. He then reported some bad memories of family ski trips. (Apparently my ex took them to the top of ski runs they were unprepared for and then pushed them into going down them.) I told him how I started insisting we stay at a condo at the mountain instead of in town because it was so much pressure to get the kids up and ready and out in time for their dad to get “fresh tracks” on the mountain. By staying within walking distance of the lift, he could just go and the kids and I could get ready at our own pace. If they got tired they could come back to the condo and not be stuck waiting for their dad.

He also relayed an interesting insight about his eating (he’s had a longstanding eating disorder but is doing pretty well with it right now.) He recalls his older (Aspie) brother bring berated by their father for being a picky eater, so he felt he had to be the opposite. But now that he has given himself permission to dislike certain foods, his relationship with food is actually improving!

His brothers and I are going up to see him next weekend to celebrate his birthday; I haven’t seen him in person since January due to quarantining. I’m really looking forward to that, and to finally meeting his new kitten (half grown now).

Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2904256
09/21/20 12:59 PM
09/21/20 12:59 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,661
Southern Maryland
job Offline

Member
job  Offline

Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,661
Southern Maryland
kml,

Your son sounds like he's doing a bit better and is now able to give himself permission to dislike certain foods. This will be a far better solution for him.

I'm sure you and your sons are looking forward to visiting with him next weekend. I can't wait to read about his new kitten. I'm sure you will spoil the little one.

Please stay safe and healthy.

Have a great week!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2904257
09/21/20 01:00 PM
09/21/20 01:00 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline
Member
AndrewP  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
Originally Posted by kml
We also talked about his budget and finances - he doesn’t have much fat in his budget but we did talk about how buying certain food items at Costco might allow him to shave off a little bit.
A key thing that I keep hammering on with S and the boys (and my own kids can recite) is that the most expensive food to buy is the food you don't eat. Right now we throw out an astounding (to me) amount of food that is bought "on sale" or in too large of a quantity to eat down before it turns.

So - for many things, I actually buy the smaller containers. Things I buy in "bulk" like breakfast sausages and bacon I re-pack into individual servings (lay bacon out on waxed paper and then accordion fold it up). Then I can have a couple of sausages and some bacon without opening a whole package.

I presume you have your son tracking his spending? It can be quite the eye-opener to see where the money is going. You've mentioned the envelope system before which can work quite well for some people.

You comments about your ex are interesting. I think that a lot of us don't realize what impact their selfish behaviours have had on developing minds. I do know that my daughter still harbours a lot of resentment towards her mother that pre-dates her cheating. I know nothing about whatever current relationship they may have but I think that for many of us, especially those of us with older kids, what we overlooked at the time is perhaps reflected in the children.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2904268
09/21/20 05:03 PM
09/21/20 05:03 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
K
kml Online OP
Member
kml  Online OP
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
My son has a roommate now that shares meals, so they could buy some Costco basics, like eggs (2 dozen are the price of one dozen in the grocery store and won't go to waste with two people eating them), cheese, and non-perishables like canned tuna. Of course, the challenge is always to avoid the impulse buys. Even $10 or $20 savings a week could add up to some money over time.

Yes, I realize I spent much of my marriage shielding my kids from their father's unreasonableness - but they still felt it. I feel bad that their relationships with their father are not better, but it is what it is.

Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2904274
09/21/20 07:24 PM
09/21/20 07:24 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
D
Dawn70 Offline
Member
Dawn70  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
When I lived alone, I still bought some bulk things and non-perishables. Like Andrew said, I might buy a large package of bacon and portion it out and put part in the freezer. Rather than buying that already cooked bacon that you just heat up in the microwave, I would make my own. I would buy a big package of raw bacon and cook it all at once, then portion it out in one meal portions and freeze it then when I wanted bacon, just pull out the portion I needed and heat it up. It worked well for me. Don't know if it would work as well for young adults, especially men, because I don't know if their minds work that way.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2904281
09/21/20 08:44 PM
09/21/20 08:44 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
K
kml Online OP
Member
kml  Online OP
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
Enlightening comment from CMM yesterday. He has a habit of wanting to do too much for me - I mean, it's great that he cooks me dinner, but he shouldn't complain about me doing some of the dishes after. Yesterday he let slip the real reason why - in his mind, he figures someday I'm going to be stuck taking care of him when the cancer finally gets him, so he's doing everything he can now to make up for it. I hadn't thought of it that way - it makes a lot more sense of his behavior.

Son #2 is pretty good at tracking his spending - he's got the spread sheet set up, although it doesn't come naturally to him, his math mind doesn't really work this way, but he's got it done. The biggest problem really is that he still doesn't make that much - not when you add in car payments and student loans and our expensive So Cal rent. Once he has enough clinical experience under his belt he can get his license and become an LCSW - his income will go up a fair amount then. Meanwhile he still has to keep to a tight budget. We discussed the peace of mind that comes from having savings. He's pretty frugal, really, good at finding things he needs secondhand.

Meanwhile I'm still mulling over my own estate planning. I need to go see a professional and I'm sure they'll give me ideas I haven't thought of, but it's kind of a thorny problem. I have roughly equal amounts of retirement savings, and house equity. Therefore, if I bequeathed the house to one kid, they would get an unfairly larger proportion of the estate. (My goal is for all three to inherit the same amount). However, since two live with me right now, being forced to sell the house on the heels of my demise would be incredibly stressful, especially since none of them would inherit enough to buy themselves anything other than a small apartment type condo at best.

I know my oldest son, if he was in charge of the house, would always provide a home for his siblings. He could also rent out a bedroom or two and bring in enough to make pay the taxes and payments on the remaining mortgage amount.

Would you:
Give the house to all three with the oldest having right of occupancy for say 5 or 10 years and then it be sold and split? Cash from retirement accounts split 3 ways.

Give the house to all three in equal shares and let them duke it out what to do with it? (Definitely the worst idea, given their personalities)

Give the house to all three with a year's grace period before it has to be sold?

Give the house to my oldest with the understanding that he will pay the costs, allow any sibling who needs to live there to do so, and split the equity three ways whenever he chooses to sell the house (which knowing him might be never?). Given the potential for roommate income, the costs of him maintaining the home would still be likely less than rent would be so I don't see the need to give him credit for that.

Give the house to my oldest and split the retirement accounts two ways between the remaining two? (Not an equal split of the assets so not my preference. It would however preserve the option of either of his siblings coming home to roost if they get in a tough spot - I KNOW I can count on my kind-hearted Aspie oldest to always make sure they had a home there. )

Buying more life insurance to even things out is expensive at my age. Hopefully I don't kick the bucket until my retirement accounts have grown more and my mortgage is paid off, but since anything could happen, I need to get this done. I just feel like I'm missing some obvious solution.

Re: I Will Survive! [Re: kml] #2904287
09/21/20 10:38 PM
09/21/20 10:38 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline
Member
AndrewP  Offline
Member
A
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
One thing that happens here - and presumably elsewhere is sometimes when someone dies all of their assets go up for auction. If a family member is bidding then the auctioneer becomes rather tunnel visioned and only sees family members. Everyone else there is in on it and generally nobody minds. If someone really really wants grandma's blue plate, they can outbid everyone else.

One thought that I've had is to allocate shares. Each kid gets an equal share in the estate as valued by an impartial third party. Other than specific bequests, everything is up for grabs and they can bid on them - only using the shares from the estate.

In my case I have very little "stuff" and I'm sure neither one wants the house so it may be a way to divvy up what there could be questions on.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Page 5 of 10 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004