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Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904120
09/18/20 01:58 PM
09/18/20 01:58 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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AndrewP  Offline OP
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Long day yesterday. I'm looking forward to sleeping in (for me) this weekend.

Lots going on at the plant. It was good to be able to actually walk out and see what was going on yesterday. There was a report of a customer damaging some containers so I went out expecting to see some dents and dings. What they were actually doing was taking a hammer and destroying a cap that probably costs about $150 because they didn't have the right wrench. Le sigh. All documented and sent to the sales staff to have a talk to them. They are a good and high volume customer otherwise and what I think happened here as well as at other customers is that some of the people aren't properly trained on how to deal with this stuff and just get "creative". Not something you want to do with the stuff we sell or the containers we package it in.

Trying to manage customer expectations. We currently have an over-supply of one product because that's the way the rail-car placement worked out. But after this surge the next car is probably sitting on a siding outside Dawn's house - I've tracked it from the supplier's plant to somewhere in Arkansas. So time on the phone saying - I know you need this stuff - better make arrangements on your end because the next load won't be for a week or so.

One of the guys asked me if he could take off early today and I said "sure". I have no idea if I have authority to do this or not but I seem to be getting away with it so far. I really have no idea what my job is but despite what may sound like complaining and grumbling, I'm actually having fun. It's complex, dynamic, I have a "very" direct impact on the success of the company. When I'm on site I can literally walk out and see the results of what I do. For good or ill. I'm still beating myself up for the mistakes I've been making lately. I find that if I'm rushed that I will not pay as much attention to the details. So I need to structure things so that my awareness is broader and that when the unexpected happens or I need to make a decision quickly that I have the structure in place to do that well. Taking my time isn't always an option so I need to be able to make these quick decisions. Fortunately - and this applies to my personal life as well - even if decisions I make are "wrong" I take ownership of those decisions. A surprisingly large amount of the time, a wrong decision can be turned into a right result I've found. It just can take more work than making the right choice to begin with.

There's a moral in there kids.

---------

S26 called me in the late afternoon - he'd locked his keys in his car at work and wanted either S or I to swing by and unlock his car for him. His spare key is at the house. S was off taking S13 to one of his many doctor's appointments and I was out for dinner with my best friend. Fortunately he was able to wait and I got his car unlocked around 10:00pm. Since it certainly looked suspicious with me driving around the parking lot and then trying to get in to his car, he was notified by his co-workers and came out just after I found the right car and got his keys. He's going to make copies of his apartment keys and leave them at the house as well.

He did say that he called multiple people and I know after I missed his first call that he called S - who was even less available than me. Perhaps he called his mother as well - but I would imagine that she would have been "really" reluctant to come to the house to get his keys for him.

I had a nice dinner with my friend - with the increase in Covid cases here a number of places that were open to inside dining have closed back down but we found a nice but slightly chilly patio. The dinner continued a trend in the past few days where a number of my friends have been doing "wellness checks" on me and have been very concerned about me. Some of these were people who I hear from only once in a blue moon too - is there some sort of cosmic warning thing going on?

After we caught up, my friend expressed a "lot" of concern that S and her kids are just using me and my money to have a comfortable life at the expense of everything that I have worked for, especially in the last few years. He especially cautioned me about dipping into my retirement savings or going into further consumer debt - both things that I will not do.

Then as I was driving to rescue S26, another good friend texted me. After a couple of texts, I just gave her a call and we were able to catch up as I was driving. I've not heard her voice in well over a year and it was great to hear her. We usually just exchange the occasional text. She's not been working for some time after she got laid off from her job in the spring and typical for her, she was more worried about me than herself. She also went on a rant about making sure that I wasn't taken advantage of and how S and the boys really need to step up their game in taking care of things around the house. We did manage to talk a bit about her and her life but she didn't seem too interested in getting into that. I do worry about her quite a lot. She used to work for me a number of years ago and is another one of those women who I admire who seem to persevere despite what life throws at them.

----------

It's coming up to 1 year from S's and my first date. I suppose I should consider that the "anniversary". Last year seems so very very long ago in many ways. 1 year ago I was in Spain being lost and confused. I'll mark the day in some fashion. Haven't figured out how yet.

Similarly, I need to figure out a house-warming gift for S26. I expect he'll be by in the next week or so to get the girls and we will be going out for lunch the next week. Perhaps a nice chair for his balcony? He needs pots I know and S has identified some of the surplus that are decent pots that we'll be passing over. Like me in some ways, S26 isn't attached to "stuff". And I think that he probably wants to stay minimal in his decorating. I did think that the space above his cabinets looked stark - any ideas on something for up there floating around?

S has found a set of cabinets she likes for the laundry room and they are very inexpensive. We may get them this weekend and I'll get them installed. It's a 3 door set that should hold a fairly decent amount of stuff and also look reasonably nice. When she spotted them she texted me and since they match the basics that we would need, the price was reasonable I was in favour. If it were just me, I'd probably hunt and over-analyze more but making fast decisions, especially ones that support S's initiative are a good plan I feel.

For me, I've been wanting to replace the massive oak typists desk that I've been using for nearly 30 years with something smaller. I've been leaning towards a roll-top or secretary desk. The idea being that a desk where things can go "away" and out of sight is the basic vision I have. A lot of this thinking was also combined with the idea that I may at some point no longer have a dedicated office. I've held off because the "right" desk hasn't crossed my field of vision, not only in terms of budget but also functionality and esthetics. Like with many things in my life, I suddenly have found exactly what I want and it's not quite at all what I was looking for. While browsing around, I saw a listing for a flip-top typists desk. They look like a normal desk but the top lifts up and then a mechanism raises up a work-space that you would historically bolt a typewriter to. The one I saw was rather beat up, posted about 6 months ago and the seller was asking about $150. I found another one listed more recently, missing a slide-out (which would be easy to make) for $60. So they exist. They're inexpensive and they have captured my imagination. Now to actually go out and get one. I remember seeing one of these years and years ago as well. It may well give S and I a goal to wander around some flea-markets. They are fairly rare, but not too uncommon. I'd have to figure out how to be sure that a lap-top would stay more or less in place but that's just engineering and carpentry.

Ah well - enough rambling for now. Time to make another pot of tea.


desk


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904123
09/18/20 03:28 PM
09/18/20 03:28 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,347
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LH19 Online
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Originally Posted by AndrewP
After we caught up, my friend expressed a "lot" of concern that S and her kids are just using me and my money to have a comfortable life at the expense of everything that I have worked for, especially in the last few years. He especially cautioned me about dipping into my retirement savings or going into further consumer debt - both things that I will not do.


Originally Posted by AndrewP
She also went on a rant about making sure that I wasn't taken advantage of and how S and the boys really need to step up their game in taking care of things around the house.

So my Canadian brother, I am curious to what your response is to these accusations. If it was me and I felt there was no truth to these accusations I would call me friends on the disrespect of my queen.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904125
09/18/20 03:40 PM
09/18/20 03:40 PM
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Posts: 2,598
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Dawn70 Offline
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Trying to manage "customer" expectations seems to be the story of my life right now, except my "customers" are students and faculty in my department. Y'allÖ..I don't know if turning 50 has just made me a grouchy b!tch or if Covid has everybody all out of whack or if the budget stuff just has people twisted, but D@MN! Something's gotta give.

Come on down and visit and we'll go look for your rail car. I used to live less than 2 miles from the track and I've moved further down the line, so to speak, but I still live within 20 miles of the tracks for KCS (Kansas City Southern), Union Pacific, BNSF (Burlington Northern) and Amtrak (though I doubt your particular car would be part of the Amtrak "fleet" or whatever they call a big group of trains). We can visit while we look. Bring S too and just make a vacation of it. And, what the heck, bring the boys and we'll drop them off at my dad's farm and let them commune with the animals while we look for train cars.

I agree with LH. If I felt like what they were saying was baseless, I would be quick to set them straight about my partner. But, it is good that you have friends who worry about you. See, your db friends aren't the only ones. wink


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904128
09/18/20 04:53 PM
09/18/20 04:53 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
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kml Online
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Dawn, everybody - I mean EVERYBODY - is stressed this year. What with Covid, the election, murder hornets, hurricanes, fires, unemployment .....self-care and stress reduction are super important.

Andrew - my guess is your friends have been having a chat behind your back, for so many of them to be coming forward at once. Youíre wise to stick to your boundaries of not going into debt or raiding your retirement accounts. I have the same boundaries and itís one (of many) reasons I wouldnít marry CMM.

As for your finances with S - sounds like youíre managing ok with the budget but need a little more transparency from her. I still wouldnít be leaving the house to her - I feel strongly that should go to your kids, you could will her a chunk of cash instead that would be enough for her to set up elsewhere. After all, your relationship with your kids is much longer than your year with S, and our kids are likely not going to achieve the standard of living we have had. (True, S hasnít either, but much of that is due to her own choices). Thatís how I feel about CMM - Iíd never leave my house to him, he had a good income in his life but poor planning for his future, thatís not my responsibility. Iíll leave him some cash so he can move somewhere if I suddenly die. But I know my kids, try as they may, are never destined to make the kind of living their parents did and will need their inheritance from me, especially since Iím doubtful they will ever see one from their dad. (He has a trust but Iím betting itís the kind that gives his wife the use of the money while sheís alive - and since sheís barely older than my kids and in excellent health, she very well might live longer than my kids).

I suppose your friends will be comforted to know that you will get a good pre-nup. You might ask them, too, just why they think so poorly of S? It might just be general suspicion and projection of the fact that they themselves wouldnít want to take on someone with kids. Or it might be that they have some kind of actual information, in which case Iíd want to know what that was.

Itís really too bad that Covid hit when it did, ideally you would be building a social life that included S with your friends, but thatís just too difficult at present.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904135
09/18/20 06:11 PM
09/18/20 06:11 PM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,834
Midwest
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DonH Offline
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When one or two people comment to me or make a suggestion I often listen but put less weight on it than if say a dozen tell me the same thing. I would think and actually hope that if you are getting the same reaction and your friends both virtual and IRL seem to be seeing the same red flags and having the same concerns, that you would really pay attention. No, you should not substitute their decisions for your own but perhaps are they seeing all of this more clearly than you are? Itís often much easier for those outside an R to see it more clearly.

Beyond that, people generally just donít change, especially later in life. Do you really think S is going to somehow change what is now second nature to her with how she lives? Do you really think sheís going to follow a budget? Doubtful- very doubtful. Sheís already showing you that. You have hope and faith sheís going to change and she may give it a bit of a try, but címon, you know itís not likely.

Finally for unpacking, itís been a long time and Iíve never moved a full house and can only imagine what it would be like to pack up and move my life to a new location. But wow, how long does it take? Didnít S move in a few months ago? Coming up in 3? How is it sheís still not unpacked? I have friends who sold their house in February, moved in March, did a HUGE remodel and have been done and fully decorated since early summer. There are no kids involved which Iím sure helps but really, how long is this going to take? Still living out of boxes? And if the stuff in the boxes have not been touched, how important can it be?

Andrew please listen to EVERYONE who seem to be giving you a close version of the same view. We canít all be wrong.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904176
09/19/20 02:09 PM
09/19/20 02:09 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,365
Canada
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AndrewP Offline OP
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Feeling grumpy. Need to get over it. Venting.

Busy weekend coming up. I'd been hoping for it to be relaxing but that might not happen. Just having my morning tea after a tough start to the day. S's D19 - who it appears is becoming friendly again with xBF - at least to the point of having him drive her around dropped off her dog this morning at 6:00 am so she could go to a photo shoot. Said dog then had a dump in the middle of the living room floor then took up a large portion of the bed. I found out about the former when I got up. Sigh. Can't really blame anyone including the dog but not a nice way to start the day.

The next door neighbours had noticed that I had some brush piled up for back-yard fires and so have "helpfully" added to it. I think we only had two fires all summer so a very large load of brush to take to the dump today. I loaded it up last night. Fortunately it's free at the dump.

S found some cabinets for the laundry room that she liked and that I was ok with. When I went to pick them up yesterday afternoon they were on sale for 1/3rd off. I've not installed cabinets before but I do know how to google. Given how uneven the wall is, I expect there will be quite a few shims involved. I'll probably get S18 help with the install at least lifting them into place.

S's D26 has canceled again this weekend for helping with the organizing. They have company coming up.

I feel that S is feeling blue and uncertain about things these days. Perhaps in part because it's pretty obvious that I'm having difficulties myself.

I do think that S is considering bolting for the door. She was checking out apartments for rent last night but then switched to looking at commercial rentals when I sat down. Like I've mentioned, there are echoes of when B left as well. A general malaise and lethargy seems to have set in. I'm not letting any future planning etc confuse or distract me. My ex was in the middle of renovating the kitchen when she left. B and I were shopping for camper trailers. S is apparently in no hurry about her divorce and is still connected to and interacting with her "STBX" on social media. Not that being friendly with a former partner is a red line but it is a flag. I do know that S will be flexible with the truth when she thinks it will smooth the road in front of her. I get into trouble when I'll say something to the boys like that there's mushroom soup in a sauce when she's worried that it will set them off. I'm also pretty sure that her attempted reconciliation at the end of 2018 was a lot more serious than she let on. I do also recognize that S isn't all that good with making a plan and sticking to it and will get distracted when things can't be completed all in one go.

I made a comment yesterday that at dinner on Thursday that my friend had been at me to not let her take advantage of me which got her back up more than a bit. Perhaps stupid of me to mention it but it set her off with a "what are you telling people" (hope she doesn't find this place) and she got upset and started itemizing the money that she has contributed (which is under 50% of the increased cost of having her and the boys here).

I do doubt that solid plans are in place but also don't underestimate the possibility that one day she may just decide to bail.

I'm still committed to making this work and won't give up easily. Bumpy roads are to be expected. Hoping the weekend improves. S has asked if we could go off for an adventure on Sunday - walk on a trail, go to a flea market. The sort of stuff that were the things that we shared as interests.

Having previously been married for 26 years, I know that things ebb and flow and having an ebb 1 year in certainly is no huge surprise. The key is how you weather the storm. I'm a batten down the hatches, make sure that the crew and ships cat are all secure and safe, reef the sails and point the bow a' weather. The Polywog is a good vessel - sound hull despite a few leaks and creaks.

I do hope that S doesn't jump over the side and am committed to making her feel safe here. If I've learned anything over the past 5 years now though, it's one hand for you, one hand for the boat. If something's going to wash overboard, don't throw yourself after it. I think S's lack of experience with weathering storms as part of a team is showing at present. As is undoubtedly my own discomfort with things that don't proceed in an orderly and Bristol fashion.

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day mateys!

Ah well - got my grumbles out. Now to dodge the fruit that will be lobbed at me.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904181
09/19/20 02:58 PM
09/19/20 02:58 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,283
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Ginger1 Online
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It was a sad post to read. You canít stop someone from jumping ship. What does committed to making her feel safe there mean to you? You let everyone and everything come and go as they/it pleases. She pretty much has taken over, so if she doesnít feel safe thatís on her.

She doesnít seem to commit to anything and runs from every storm. This is her pattern. And you canít kill your self trying to break it. She has to want to do that.

Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904182
09/19/20 03:04 PM
09/19/20 03:04 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,661
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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Andrew,

I am so sorry that your day started out rather poorly. How did S's D19 get in your house? Did S let her in? Were you aware that the dog was being dropped off? As for the mess you found later, if S was there, I would have definitely advised her that she needed to clean it up.

Andrew, you are a nice guy and I have to agree w/all of the others that have advised you that S and her "clan" are taking advantage of you. They do not know what the world "boundary" means and unless you speak up, stand firm on what you tell them, they are going to continue down the merry path that they have been used to all of their lives. It appears that even your neighbors have taken advantage of your good nature and now you are hauling their brush to the dump as well. When is all of that "clan" going to start really, really pitching in?

I would suggest that S that all of the unpacked boxes go in the shed, garage or basement and that you and S will sit down and go through one box at a time. Andrew, maybe I could be very wrong on this...but it is affecting your mental health as well as your stress level. You may be okay with all of that mess, but you come here to vent and trust me, the venting needs to be "heard" by one and all in your house.

If S is looking at apartments, I wouldn't be surprised to read later on that she either has found one for her son with the bunnies or for her and her "clan". Let's face it, I think the reality of real life and being in a home w/someone on a day-to-day basis is a bit different for her. She has been use to having you come over and then go home and not be accountable for her spending and leaving things lying around. You, on the other hand, are right now in the eye of the storm of boxes, pets that need all sorts of things, as well as kids that need to a father figure who is going to be there to keep them on the straight and narrow and provide them w/stability.

You've got a lot going on and I still pray that S will get her act together and find a way to work with you. It's fine to take time out of a busy weekend and go somewhere for an adventure, but she also needs to understand that you can't do it all w/o her help and the help of her older children. You cannot divide yourself into two people and no matter what you say, you know that you do have projects that need to be done and it's on your mind quite often.

Please, please learn to say "no" to any additional projects until the other projects have been completed. Better yet, make a vision board of what projects need to be done now and a listing of what projects can be done at a later day. Maybe if S sees the listings, she'll realize that 1) you can't do them all at once and 2) they all take money to start and complete.

I hope your day gets better.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904184
09/19/20 04:56 PM
09/19/20 04:56 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
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Dawn70 Offline
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I was going to comment, but I absolutely canít improve on what Job said. Yes, yes, YES to every bit of that. Iíll keep my fruit for now. wink


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Free parrot with every peg leg [Re: AndrewP] #2904186
09/19/20 05:38 PM
09/19/20 05:38 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
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kml Online
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I think going for a ramble with S tomorrow is a good idea - one problem may be that the two of you have had very little couple time since she moved in.

Major bonehead move telling her what your friends were thinking. Donít do that again. Now she will view all your friends with suspicion.

You might ask her, at an appropriate moment, ď hey, I noticed you looking at apartments the other day. Are you thinking of moving out? ď. There might be a benign explanation, like S18 wanted to know how much he needs to budget for, or sheís looking for a friend. Or she might get flustered and deny she was looking, in which case youíll have more information.

From a reality check point of view - what has she accomplished with unpacking since last weekend? Is it proceeding, if slowly, or is she stuck? If sheís stuck then yes, get the boys to put the boxes in the basement or garage and carry one box up at a time to sort together. The job may be overwhelming her. Hoarders have a lot of trouble letting things go, and while she may not be a full fledged hoarder, sheís definitely got some tendencies.

Be honest with her. Tell her the fact that the house is still in disarray this long after the move in (how many months has it been now?) is stressing you out because youíre someone who thrives in order. Tell her the current approach doesnít seem to be working so youíd like to change to the one box at a time method.

Last edited by job; 09/19/20 09:15 PM. Reason: edited a word for kml
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