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Originally Posted by Pommy99
I guess like most of us here, we still see some good in our WAS. He wasn't always a bad person (or a person who made bad choices). As much as I'd love to make him a villain so I could detach more easily, I know he's not all bad.

Just to say this resonates so much with me, Pommy.

Originally Posted by Pommy99
I do need to manage my triggers better, and find a way to suppress my hurt and anger, and deal with it at an appropriate time. Unfortunately I cannot rest until it is off my chest - that might be 3am or in the middle of the working day.

Originally Posted by Pommy99
I got to the point yesterday where I said I don't want to talk about the relationship, I've had enough talk, I've forgotten what it feels like to have fun and not be emotionally dragged down. I had a nice day and felt calm. During the night I started to feel angry. I rolled over and spooned H and he held my hand - I thought trying to generate some positive feelings in me would help. It did. Early dawn, H heard me sighing and rolled over and spooned me. So that all felt nice.

Originally Posted by Pommy99
Still struggling to know how to respond to him in the meantime (be loving and try and have a fun weekend, or be more ambivalent and GAL all weekend).

I've been thinking about this a lot, too. Maybe will post a bit on my own thread. But back to what Valeska posted a couple of days ago on your thread-- Pommy needs to take care of Pommy. You can't rely on your H right now, unfortunately, to lean on. He's half baked and he needs to finish up his own baking before he is whole enough to really help you deal with your own hurt and fears and insecurities (that he caused, yes I get it, it is totally unfair). Waking him up at 3 am might make you feel better in the moment but probably doesn't really help you to feel more secure or trusting or loved in the long term. (note that I did the exact same thing a few weeks ago, woke H up at 3 am to whisper-yell at him for awhile. So, I've totally been there.) It also probably doesn't help HIM to deal with his own stuff if he also feels insecure about losing you if he doesn't respond appropriately in the moment, which is a lot of pressure especially if you're totally confused like he is.

Also, I don't think he needs to finish baking by separating, necessarily, although I know that is the general template here. But whether he stays or he goes, he isn't someone you can rely on to be your support through this right now. So can you think back to the hard days of when he was still going back and forth into the city, and then when he was trying to decide whether or not to move out? And you were able to find calm and centeredness in the face of his mess? What did you do then to find that place? I remember you talking about stopping in the pub for a G&T on the way home from somewhere and just people watching... not sure that can happen today with COVID but what were the other ways you learned to self-regulate? Can you go back to those? Take the spooning and the ILYs when you get them, of course, but don't make his behaviors make or break your mood. And when the anxiety or anger comes, try different ways of managing your distress on your own so that no matter what happens, you are in control, you've got this. Journaling, punching bag, exercise, primal screams-- let it out.

For this weekend, a suggestion-- what about doing both? Spend some time being loving and some time GALing. I bet the GALing will help you to let off some steam and make the time you do spend together less fraught. Or, if you decide you want to GAL and have some space, what if you just told him that? So neither of you take it personally, he doesn't get afraid you are thinking about leaving, but you can focus on you and find your center again? No R talks for a few days sounds like a great idea no matter what.

Finally-- therapeutic disclosure was posted on my thread as an idea, and I read up about it and it might be a good suggestion for your H too. A lie about something that happened 18 months ago is still a lie. It is totally relevant. He's still controlling the narrative by picking and choosing what to be honest about, and that isn't fair to you. Also the extent to which there are still lies between you-- and he is still actively lying about things whether they are past or present-- that is inhibiting the ability of you two to reconnect. He's got to figure out how to be fully transparent and recognize that if he wants to R with you, the consequences of continued lying are worse than the consequences of telling you some things that you may be angry about.

Hang in there, Pommy, and hold your head high. You are holding all the cards. You get to make the choices of how you want to move forward.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Last edited by job; 09/18/20 10:02 PM. Reason: added link to new thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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