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A Message from Michele
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Re: Journey of me and H [Re: PLC] #2903779
09/14/20 08:27 PM
09/14/20 08:27 PM
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PLC Online OP
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PLC  Online OP
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KML,

Thank you. H was always well respected by friends and family alike. He was someone to look up to.

I really do not want to add this to complicated lives. My mother is early stage dementia and my dad is her caregiver at this time. As a parent, I know he would worry. I know I am ok. Angry, (as mentioned above) but anger is helping right now.

I think my sister would be the one that would not forget. She is the most kindest person, but full on mama bear. Even though I am older, it is just her personality.

This board, my therapist has been enough support. I am trying not to talk to D25 about it as I donít want to put her in the middle.

PLC

Re: Journey of me and H [Re: PLC] #2903811
09/15/20 03:51 AM
09/15/20 03:51 AM
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PLC Online OP
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Journaling-

As mentioned in previous posts, Iím feeling anger now. It has taken a long time, but it is here. H has always been home, unless he traveled, but usually is home at night.

I came home from work after stopping at the store on the way home. I bought dog food. He noticed and commented that I bought it. I just said yes and went on with putting it away.

After a bit, I began making dinner, he came in the kitchen asking if some towels he had mixed up with sheets were kitchen towels or rags. I responded. He left, then later came in again. I have not looked at his face all of these times and my responses are short and I am not speaking first. This would usually be hard for me, but as I mentioned, Iím angry.

My D25 and I ate dinner, I never offered a plate to him.D is studying so I cleaned the kitchen and told her goodnight and came in here and closed the door, his light was still on with the door open. After I came in here, I heard him go into the kitchen and I heard the microwave. Oh well, Iím tired of being nice when he is doing this to us.

Is this just me being petty? Or is it ok to live in the anger a bit. I am not confronting him, but idk why I should be so friendly when he has wrecked this married life. I can change my mind tomorrow, I could say, PLC, be nice. I can see an attorney and begin proceedings. Both are possible. I want to stand, but do I have to stand nicely?

PLC

Re: Journey of me and H [Re: PLC] #2903813
09/15/20 04:47 AM
09/15/20 04:47 AM
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DnJ Offline
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Hello PLC

Kind and cordial.

Compassionate and indifferent.

Anger is just a stage. It is real. And it does pass.

We all need a certain level of understanding to let go, to move forward.

Consider, a while ago you were not angry. H hasnít really changed his behaviours. So why all the anger? Itís a step towards acceptance. What were you not ďacceptingĒ before? What were you denying? You are seeing something and youíre righteously mad.

Denial protects us until we can process more emotions from our situation. As our fog lifts, we see more, feel more, get angry, bargain, become depressed, and final accept. More and more pieces of our situations reveal themselves and we repeat; each cycle getting easier.

What were you denying? Well thatís the trick. You donít know, you were in denial. Patience, it will reveal itself as you progress. Have faith in the process. It does work! You will heal. You can emerge from this, the best version of yourself, strong, secure, forgiving, happy.

Focus on you and daughter. Treat H as a roommate. Be cordial. Detached and indifferent. Look to your beliefs, not your emotions.

Originally Posted by PLC
Is this just me being petty? Or is it ok to live in the anger a bit.

Of course you can live in the anger a bit. You need to work through it, so you have to live it. Just donít let it consume you. You do control you, donít forget.

Originally Posted by PLC
I want to stand, but do I have to stand nicely?

You can do whatever you want. Itís your choice. Your benefits and your consequences.

My advice: Kind and cordial, begets far less regrets. So yes, stand nicely. And by the way, that advice is really for you, much more than for H.

Kind and cordial is hard to do when you are seeing red. Shoot for pleasant indifference when dealing with H. You can go punch the stuffing out of a punching bag after.

I imagine this all feels rather surprising. Suddenly such anger. Itís ok, perfectly normal. It shall pass, in time.

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Journey of me and H [Re: PLC] #2903814
09/15/20 04:53 AM
09/15/20 04:53 AM
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PLC Online OP
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Thanks Dnj,

Is the acceptance that I will find, acceptance of this situation, the outcome of divorce or?

I thought those were possibilities I have been fighting this whole time. It is surprising.

I will work on being cordial and kind. Heís just so annoying.

Roommate, roommate, roommate. Ugh.

PLC

Re: Journey of me and H [Re: PLC] #2903946
09/16/20 02:28 PM
09/16/20 02:28 PM
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peacetoday Offline
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When I got to acceptance, my M was really over and XH was now M to OW
it was about 2.5 from bomb

I think you will not know what your xh will do until it is done so acceptance is of the situation, as it is now

Over time, we work toward full acceptance of the final outcome
Going through all the stages and you have seen yourself traveling to acceptance
denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
We may bounce in and out of these in no specific order
let the process happen..this is our goal

and continue to be kind and cordial, gal. make your best life, hobbies, exercise, friends( as best as for this covid situation)
and trust in the best and highest outcome and let go


married 14 years
H 42
bomb 2/07 IDLYA
D final 3 /09
M ow D ow
Re: Journey of me and H [Re: PLC] #2903955
09/16/20 03:51 PM
09/16/20 03:51 PM
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PLC Online OP
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Thank you Peacetoday,

I do bounce around with my thoughts.

This weekend during my anger phase, H and OW2 had a dust up on social media and they werenít friends for a couple of days. When this has happened before, I would tip toe around hoping heíd notice I was there waiting and heíd see the light and snap out of it.

We all know that is not how mlc works. This time, I GALed heavy duty, the anger helped me with that. By the end of the weekend they were friends again. So I did not have that twinge of disappointment that I would have in other times.

I will continue to work on my path.

Thank you,

PLC

Re: Journey of me and H [Re: PLC] #2903957
09/16/20 03:59 PM
09/16/20 03:59 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
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kml Offline
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Acceptance that you cannot control what he does or what path he takes. You can only control YOUR behaviors and YOUR choices. You can CHOOSE to plan an interesting, exciting, fulfilling life for yourself and your H can either decide to come along for the ride, or he will miss out - but you will be living your best life.

As for dealing with him in the home - as long as you're angry or negative he won't be interested in reconciling - why would he? MLCers worry that they won't be forgiven for their transgressions anyway. Put on a happy face, enjoy your life, be a little mysterious, let him wonder what you're doing and see you having a good time that he might want to join.

I know this is a bit harder in this time of pandemic, but do the best you can with it. If he still leaves - well, you're further along the path to your new life. If he reconciles - well, you still have an interesting new life for yourself, one that he can join in.

Now, on the other hand, if you're truly done with him (by the time my ex finally left, I knew I wouldn't take him back no matter what, that I could never trust him again, it was a three strikes and you're out kind of thing) then quietly plan for your divorce and getting into the best financial position you can for that.

Re: Journey of me and H [Re: PLC] #2903964
09/16/20 05:17 PM
09/16/20 05:17 PM
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kml Offline
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BTW - how closely are you watching the money situation? You might need to file just to protect yourself financially. Your H has a history of gambling, has a young OW in another country who has probably been milking him for money, your marital assets may have been flying out the door. Try to get copies of all bank and credit card statements so you can see what he has been up to. If he's been spending money on OW, you are entitled to get some of that money back in a divorce.

Re: Journey of me and H [Re: PLC] #2904007
09/16/20 11:17 PM
09/16/20 11:17 PM
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PLC Online OP
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Hi kml,

Thank you for your replies. I really need to remember to be cordial when dealing with him.

As for the financial aspects, as of now, I am getting all of his money. As of now. I also am seeing this week what I could be dealing with and separating what is needed for my protection.

Thank youPLC

Re: Journey of me and H [Re: PLC] #2904016
09/17/20 01:08 AM
09/17/20 01:08 AM
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PLC Online OP
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Journaling,

When we were kids, didnít we all love candy? Didnít we all wish we could eat candy for every meal?

Well, tonight H came home with a whole bunch of full size candy bars and m & mís. This is not Halloween stash. This is from the man who tells me he is intermittent fasting and not eating after a certain time. He right now wonít eat what I prepare, but will heat up a frozen burrito at 10:00pm because heís hungry and wonít touch my leftovers.

I know, again this the child MLCer. He is just so confusing! I am going to go make my normal dinner of a nice salad. No candy.

PLC

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