But i'm still going to stick to my guns on this one. With people like your WW, they need tough love. With LBS like you, you need tough love - You need to work on getting that self respect back - you use the word doormat - She is walking all over you, while eating cake - FACT..
Originally Posted by Indy470
Like I said though, I’m playing it cool. I haven’t reached out at all and I’ve stayed NC.
You had a 4 hour conversation with her, even though she refused the confirm the status with OM.. Hardly "playing it cool" - And i've said it multiple time, YOU WILL take her back, regardless of her not working on herself - and history WILL repeat itself - Because she doesnt have the respect for you, doesnt see a value in you and see's other men as the more attractive option.
Originally Posted by Indy470
Honestly I was gonna take a break from the boards for awhile. I’m totally open to advice and suggestions from everyone but I am here because I want to save my marriage and I think it can happen. I know some of the advice on here is that if I even speak to W or were to ever take her back even if she wanted to recon then that’s me being a door mat and she’ll walk again down the road but again I’m here to try to save my marriage. I get the way to do that is to let go and drop the rope, which I’m doing but again I’m here because I love my wife. Not to hear how she’s a horrible person, she’s not. & not to hear how I’m a pushover for even wanting to recon.
You came here looking for that magic bullet - So did i, and i suspect so did 99% of every other LBS - We have all been there. But the jist is now, you don't agree with the advice, so you walk away.
After my WW's EA1, all my mates told me to walk - move on, end it.... I didn't. I loved my WW, loved the family.. She showed very little remorse, but cut ties with EA1 - She did NO work on herself and i willingly took her back ( i didnt know about this site then )
Come EA2 - and made every excuse under the sun not to see my friends.. I went for 6 weeks avoiding calls, not meeting up etc.. One of my best friends does electrical work for me in our office, so i couldnt avoid him when he had to fix an electrical issue. He thought he had upset me, as he knew i was avoiding him -
Why did i avoid my closest friends.. 1) - I was so embarrased - they knew this would happen and i thought i knew best 2) - They were right first time, and told me the same thing again - but i didnt want to hear it
This is much what you are doing now. You havent found that magic bullet, and you have cherry picked the advice and DB actions that suited you, got a few 2x4s for your mistakes and now decide you know best - Instead of facing the problems, you are walking away, as you think it will help the situation.
Sounds very very much like Curtis thread to me. The sad things being, you stated yourself what a hard read it was - You have followed the same path he did, but don't want to admit that.
It is obvious that you also think these things can be fixed in weeks or months.. It usually takes years.
Originally Posted by Indy470
It’s divorce busting. I’m here trying to bust my divorce guys.
By doing what you think is best - you are in for a long painful ride.
Originally Posted by Indy470
I’m open to 2x4s and advice for things I’m not seeing clearly but insults and digs because of how I’m feeling about things doesn’t seem to helpful and honestly sometimes I feel the need to defend my wife on here which I’d never thought I’d say at the beginning of this thing.
You ask for advice - You get advice - As your W is WW, some people will say it as it is. Also - the opinion of your wife, is based on a picture YOU painted. You didn't come here saying what a perfect wife she was - you rocked up and listed the way she has treated you and continued to post her selfish actions.. BUT when people form an optinion back, you feel the need to defend her ???
I'll lay it straight here. And this comment below DOES NOT apply JUST your sitch , but many of the wayward wifes and husbands.. A lot of the stuff they pull is abuse - FULL STOP ! - ABUSE. The way they lie, manipulate, cheat, gaslight, cake eat.. I've seen this on so many threads recently ( Wayward husbands are just as bad ) - Its WRONG.. The 4 hour chat you had was gaslighting - pure and simple.. Which in my book equals abuse ! - Look how YOU felt after that call ! -
How many domestic abuse stories do we read where one partner hits the other, but the victim never leaves.. They do everything to cover it up - they lie to their friends, they lie to family, and 99% of the time, they lie to THEMSELVES. They justify staying becuase they cherry pick the reasons why he is a good partner, but ignore the abuse they are recieving. And While they are convicning themselves its worth working on the relationship, the abuser usualy promises that it won't happen again. - Until the next time.
When people do find out, they are like "why did you stay etc" - As they can't grasp why people would stay in an abusive relationship.
Strong and healthy minded people will walk away at the first sign of abuse.. the weaker / codependant natured will cling on to dear life hoping it wont happen again, always lying to themselves to justify this action.
I see very little difference in these abuses.. Its mental abuse - I was on the receiving end of it, and thought i was going mad from the continual gas lighting. I resorted to recording every thing me and WW discussed, to then play it back in the car - which made me realise i wasnt going crazy, but she was trying to make me thing i was... Its abuse, but you don't want to see it. - People do commit suicide over this stuff, so its not something to just brush off..
But i'll leave it here, as i've spent enough time posting to somebody who doesn't want advice - But i'm hoping in time another LBS will read this and think "this is a difficult read - i need to move on"
In your sitch, you have cherry picked what work on yourself you did, and will take WW back with no work on herself - I just hope kids dont come into the mix before she does this again.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
LH pleas don't leave the boards! You're advice is golden.
100%....
Don't look at the ones you cant help or dont want to be helped - look at the positives and the ones you have helped - Your advice to Joseph was golden !!! - and look where he is now - he is loving life !
Your posts of resentment are also excellent..
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Don’t leave the boards man. Look you give some advice that’s hard to hear but that’s what makes it good. The only thing you’ve said that I didn’t agree with was the blue balls comment. You stuck with me on here and I’m hoping you still will. Me needing to take a break the forums doesn’t reflect on you at all. I may need some time to stop thinking about my situation non stop, try to focus on other things. I’ve spent so much time reading on here and obsessing over the situation. I’d like to really try to drop the rope and quit thinking about my divorce every day.
Brside,
I actually do appreciate the response and I think you have some valid points while some I don’t think is accurate. I’ll respond when I have some more time but answer this for me first.
Do you think that trying to bust my divorce is a mistake and doing anything besides getting a divorce and moving on from W is a mistake?
I sometimes use humor in my posts to make my point and it doesn't always go over well. I stand by what I said but maybe could have been more tactful. I'm not leaving the board because of you. I have been thinking about it lately and something happened yesterday that solidified it that I will update on my thread at a later date.
As for your question. If you were my son I would tell you to divorce and move on. I have been studying relationships for six years and nothing points to this ending good long term. I talk about this all the time and I don't think it's received well on the board. We all are enthralled will Hollywood movies, fairytales, religion and vows when reality relationships IMO are about value. Value is about respect. Look at the captain of the football in high school. All the girls wanted to date him and the guys wanted to be his friend. Why? Because if you dated him or was his friend your value increased. He was well respected. What your W is doing to you is disrespectful. She's not even trying to hide it from you. That's because she sees you as someone of low value. I'm sorry but that is the reality. So how do you go from low value to high value? You walk away. It's that simple but hard to do due to emotions involved. You walking away and never speaking to her again makes you scarce and scarcity creates value. Economics boring but factual. Hollywood movies exciting but complete BS. So this all stems back to my quote that you haven't quite grasped yet " you can ignore reality but you can't ignore the consequences of ignoring reality". Translation the longer you ignore the reality of your situation the longer you will suffer.
I'm sorry you are here you absolutely do not deserve this treatment.
Hope you are well. You ve ready my sitch, kids involved. Nearly 6 months in and very slowly im dropping the rope, asking h not to stay at the house anymore significant for me, telling the kids is significant.
Do you know what i wish for the most now is that our financial situation wasnt so tangled and messy so i could buy him out of the house and change the locks. That would be the easiest thing for me and for him and for the boys. There would be no more confusion, no more stringing along.
You speak of unconditional love, and i can tell you you will experience it when you have kids, what we have with our partners is love, also co dependency. Its that emotional and physical codependency that you need to get rid of because you know what you can love someone without being with them! In fact when you love someone you let them go to be happy even if thats not with you and you wish them well. Love is not selfish you see....anyways this is only my view of things and thats what im working through, this is my fate, i accept it, i dont blame h or anyone else, i lm trying to get to a stage where i wish him well and that means letting go.
As far as D is concerned it really doesnt hold me back at the moment, as i have no interest in dating and want to concentrate on me and the kids and being whole on my own.
Is D going to make a difference to how you feel now?
I'll chime in with my thoughts. I've always been of the mindset to do everything you can to save your marriage because you don't want to have regrets. I support you wanting to save your marriage, only you can decide when it's time to turn the page, it's your life after-all. Remember, you get to decide which advice to take and which advice to leave behind. You aren't obligated to follow anyone's advice. Do what works.
However, my advice remains the same. The fastest way to get your W back is to let her go. Keep doing what you're doing, your W is obviously noticing your absence. I would refrain from any more 4 hour calls for the time being and stay focused on yourself.
One thing that really helped me was reading the "Advice from wise DBer's". Have you read any of those threads? There are some true gems in there.
This is also why I feel my time is done because my recommendation to him goes against what the board is about.
I think ultimately it's realizing that "divorce busting" maybe isn't meant to be taken literally. Divorce is not the end of a relationship. the end goal is not divorce busting, it's personal growth. We all come here try to save our M, but what we should be saving is ourselves first. Maybe we can all petition to change the name of the forum. ;P
