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It stings but I’m here for advice and I’m ready to listen. Other than that one phone call. I’ve ignored all texts, I’ve declined every invite to see her. I’ve stayed no contact completely. I agree that I shouldn’t have taken the call. I’ve been working on GAL and I’m almost always busy between work, the gym and seeing my family and friends. I come on here a lot to get out some things I’m feeling but I don’t share those things with her.

LH,
I’m genuinely asking for advice. What else should I be doing right now to add value.

That’s a great quote and I do agree with it. There’s no getting around the consequences of the choices we make.

LH give me some advice on what you think I should be doing.

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Indy,

First thing I would suggest is to read “How to be 3% man” by Corey Wayne. Keep busy stay in the gym and keeping moving forward. You can’t afford anymore mistakes because every time you do you restart the clock. She has to fear she will lose you forever before she ever thinks about coming back.

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Read strong DB threads to get influenced by. Read sandis WW threads over and over.
Hitting the gym and doing classic Man's work should be done every day.
Read no more Mr nice guy if you havnt. There are a few podcast with Dr glover that will help as well.

One thing that also helped me is to watch TV series with ridiculously male males, so to say.
Hank moody and Don Draper are my favorites.
This programs your brain more than you might think while it's a great way to spend some free time.

Last edited by Mumin; 09/15/20 05:25 AM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Originally Posted by Indy470
LH,
I do love her unconditionally though. I dont mean
I'll be her friend while shes having an affair or be a
doormat. But, I do mean I'm willing to give her space and wait for her while this
plays out and see where things end up, while not giving up on her.
I still love her, just from a distance right now.


Indy,

This is crigne worthy - It get it.. I was there once - most people on this board probably felt this way..

You "unconditionally love" the person you thought she was - The person you thought she was is long gone. That person walked away when she cheated. You are still hooked on the idea of who your WW was..

And from what you have posted, she wasn't all that anyway.. She has a lot of faults, but you look past these - But you are so messed up, are are cherry picking the lovey dovey ways in how you want to remember WW... Hence all this unconditional love BS.

AS posted a great post yesterday on Mummins post.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander

You're recovering. Right after BD you excuse all the bad treatment and blame yourself for it. Then you come to realize that her bad treatment of you is a reflection of her character flaws, not yours. But the feelings are still there (I think this is where you are now). Then eventually the feelings fade and you're left with an honest, unflinching appraisal of who she has become, and most likely it won't be someone you're interested in. So don't beat yourself up too much trying to sort it all out, it will come with time. It took about 2 years post BD for me.


People here can post advice on a daily basis - only YOU can control your actions though. This unconditional love BS shows you are still running on emotion and fear. You just cant see a future without WW - This is a weakness and sees respect ( self respect ) and respect from others crumbling.

And as i stated 2 pages back - your WW knows this, and she will string you along nicely at every oppertunity, if she feels that she is losing that contol she craves or just fancies an ego boost. She is playing a game and she knows exactly which buttons to press. Sandy has written loads of this about knowing when a wife is genuine. Your WW has shown nothing to reflect a genuine want to reconcile. She has just fed your BS for 4 hours.. I mean 4 hours !!!! - Thats 4 hours you could have spent wokring out, washing the car, tidying the garden, with friends, working.. 4 hours of a life wasted. After the 4 hours, i suspect you then sat there watching your phone, with your head spinning..

You need to man up Indy - If i was in your sitch, i wouldnt hesitate to block her. You cant control her, but you can reduce the impact she has.

Man up, move on and enjoy life


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Mr. B is a wise man Indy. I’m not going to lie I do not like your WW. Some WWs have a case to make on walking away. There are times I will read a sitch and say ok I understand why she walked away. You do not deserve any of this and the fact that she is toying with you makes me angry. You will see it eventually it just takes time. They key is to make sure you never put yourself in this position again.

Stay strong buddy!

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Indy,

Another thing, someday when you have kids, you will truly understand the meaning of unconditional love.

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Originally Posted by Indy470
Over,

I just read through your sitch.

First off, Kudos to you man. You showed a lot of strength throughout that and what you went through was ALOT.

I noticed that while your wife was still seeing OM, you did have contact with her. You didn't pursue and there were times you ignored her but there were other times where you saw her and did have conversations with her. I know my sitch is a bit different because me and W are actually separated but do you think those interactions with wife, talking to her, giving her opportunities to talk to you and not shutting her out completely when she pursued you helped with recon?



I did pursue many times, I admit it. I got better at not doing it as time went on. In many ways, I was "separated" from my wife. She came home to do laundry or other crap from time to time.

It is really hard to say if those convos were good. In a way they were, b/c I was looking good and doing better. But I wasn't detached so it got ugly sometimes too. I would go out and about with friends and to the social scene more if I had to do it again. It was always a confidence booster to have women approach me or smile and look away to get my attention. I think those were the moments where I started to turn mentally and I began to realize my own value.

Now I see that your W brought up recon....

I second Ginger's advice, just don't make yourself seem overly available.

I would just play things cool and go back to what works. Always always always do what works. Be cold and logical, not emotional about it. Stick to your guns. She'll actually be more attracted to you if you do. Think about that. You tell her no, she gets mad, and she likes that because you are showing confidence and emotional strength. Don't be a wannabe "alpha male". Be you in every step and every word, be comfortable with what you are and what you do.

Originally Posted by LH19
I,

If you love her unconditionally like you say you do then support her even if she’s with the OM and that makes her happy.

Just as long as your ok having blue balls and being in the friend zone.


Totally inappropriate in my opinion. This guy is going through probably the hardest thing in his life and you use this phrase?

Obviously you care, you're here helping out in a very noble way, so I don't get it.

I think there is a way to love unconditionally and let go of the outcome while still hoping for the best and staying out of the friend zone. Not to mention Indy isn't that far in to his sitch so I think we all get what he is going through.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Over,

Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate it.
I’ll play it cool and make sure I’m not too overly available.
I don’t want to change who I am and pretend like I’m something I’m not.
Im doing my best to think logically and not emotionally. Thanks for the reminder though. I have some emotional moments but I have those on my own, it’s nothing that she sees. Tonight was rough for some reason.

Like I said though, I’m playing it cool. I haven’t reached out at all and I’ve stayed NC.
As you said I’m trying to love her unconditionally and let go of the outcome. I would say overall I’m doing better. I’m reading, I’m running, I’m lifting, I’m connecting with a lot of friends and staying busy. I’m working, I’m seeing family.

Honestly I was gonna take a break from the boards for awhile. I’m totally open to advice and suggestions from everyone but I am here because I want to save my marriage and I think it can happen. I know some of the advice on here is that if I even speak to W or were to ever take her back even if she wanted to recon then that’s me being a door mat and she’ll walk again down the road but again I’m here to try to save my marriage. I get the way to do that is to let go and drop the rope, which I’m doing but again I’m here because I love my wife. Not to hear how she’s a horrible person, she’s not. & not to hear how I’m a pushover for even wanting to recon.

It’s divorce busting. I’m here trying to bust my divorce guys.

I’m open to 2x4s and advice for things I’m not seeing clearly but insults and digs because of how I’m feeling about things doesn’t seem to helpful and honestly sometimes I feel the need to defend my wife on here which I’d never thought I’d say at the beginning of this thing.

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Indy,

I apologize for upsetting you and won’t be posting on your thread anymore. In fact I think my time is about done here and I need to move on from the boards because it is upsetting to see so many people treated this way. You don’t see it now but you will someday. I like you thought my ex was the most wonderful person in the world and I couldn’t live without her but I was wrong on both counts.

I sometimes can get a little harsh when I’m trying to make a point.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you W realizes what a big mistake she made.

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LH pleas don't leave the boards! You're advice is golden.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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