A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL OFFER TO INTRODUCE YOU TO DB COACHING
Save $75. Offer for new clients and available November 16-25 only
SINGLE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE SESSION FOR ONLY $100

CALL 303-444-7004

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 7 of 10 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903700
09/14/20 02:13 AM
09/14/20 02:13 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,696
D
DejaVu6 Offline OP
Member
DejaVu6  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,696
Thanks KML. Luckily, childcare is not an issue. I have his mom and my sister if I need a break. My sister already told me that if I need a weekend away, she will come and stay with the kids. For me, I think it is more about the assumptions he makes that I will just be there...takes me back to when we were married and he left me on my own with the kids while he went off for his ďtreatmentsĒ. As DnJ says...the end result will be the same. I will take them regardless. Heís just never cared about how things impact me so I guess I shouldnít expect him to care now.

Day five of healing from my surgery. Getting a bit better every day but it sure feels slow. The only surgery Iíve had before was my c-section and I recall it took a couple weeks for me to be really up and around. Of course, the first year of my kidsí lives is a complete blur so who knows. Just keeping my fingers crossed that my drains can come out on Wednesday. It will really help with my mobility. Looked up the timeline for healing from this. Iíve read so many different ones that Iím not sure what to believe. I could do without the stomach binder but that apparently stays on anywhere between two weeks and three months. That is quite a discrepancy. I think it will be longer than two weeks for sure but three months seems like a lot. Ginger...do you recall how long it took your friend?


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903741
09/14/20 04:53 PM
09/14/20 04:53 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,625
D
Dawn70 Offline
Member
Dawn70  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,625
I'm so glad that I waited until today to post a response to your post the other day about your XH's issues with OW. DnJ responded pretty much what I was thinking, though said it much more tactfully than I probably could've. First and foremost, if the whole thing irritates you (I think I recall that was the word you used), then that is how you feel and no one has a right to tell you or try and make you feel a different way than that. So, there is that. But I guess, for me, in the bigger picture, I was seeing it from a different perspective. I get where you would find it irritating, particularly in light of how your marriage ended, but I don't know that it was his intention to create an issue. Should you care about OW's medical issues....well, I suppose as just a human in general, yes, but as it relates specifically to you, not really. Having been on your XH's side of the fence and caring for a partner with a ton of life-threatening medical issues, I can say I have done exactly what he did. My XH was in a fight for his life following a surgery gone wrong and I just assumed that his XW would take care of the girls during that time, even though it meant them being with her ALL the time. I didn't even talk to her about it. And, though it was not necessarily my place to do so, XH couldn't because they were keeping him sedated at the time. I didn't not talk to her to annoy her or because I was taking her time for granted, but simply because I was so overwhelmed that it just never occurred to me that the girls' own mother wouldn't jump at the chance to have more time with them for a little while. Again, I'm not necessarily saying how your XH went about it was right, but I certainly get it because I have been in his shoes, kind of. During that time in my life, there were a lot of things that got pushed to the back burner because my sole focus was on dealing with my XH and what was going on with him and whether he was even going to survive. I'm sure my assuming she'd take them full time was irritating to her and I'm sure she was frustrated that her XH's issues were overflowing into her life and I would've changed it if I could've, but the reality of the situation was I was doing all I could do to hold it together. So, did your XH step on your toes a bit (or maybe even a lot)? Yes. But, he is dealing with something serious and so much larger than himself that he is bound to be out of sorts about it. If the shoe were on the other foot and you had a partner who was dealing with something so big, would your XH do for you what he's expecting you to do? If he would, then good on both of you for being civil adults and dealing with what you have to deal with. If he wouldn't, then he's an a$$ but that doesn't negate what he's dealing with in this moment.

I hope that all makes sense and doesn't come across as rude. I do think you have every right to feel irritated, angry, upset, whatever you feel. That is your business. How he handles it all is his business. How it affects your kids is both of your business.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903904
09/16/20 02:09 AM
09/16/20 02:09 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,696
D
DejaVu6 Offline OP
Member
DejaVu6  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,696
Thanks both of you. As usual DnJ...you recommend taking the high road and of course, i will.

I do get what you are saying Dawn. I really do. But it is a different situation. If he was the sick one, I would expect nothing of OW regarding the care of my kids because I am their mom and it is my responsibility. My agreement is not with her, it is with him and he is perfectly fine so expecting him to have a conversation with me is not asking too much. And in terms of being overwhelmed with having a ďsickĒ spouse, I know EXACTLY how that feels because I lived it for four years. Even though it turned out to be a bunch of baloney, I didnít know that. My situation was as real to me as yours was to you. Our kids, his daughter and his mom didnít know it either so not only did I have to manage my feelings during that time, I also had to manage theirs. It was a living hell... for YEARS. He didnít give a crap how overwhelmed I was or how it was impacting our kids. So, respectfully, I am fully entitled to feel irritated by this. He is lucky that is all I feel.

Itís the principle of it more than anything. Anytime I have asked him for help, I have done so as far ahead of time as possible and I have made up for the extra days. Honestly...when i take into account all of the times he hasnít looked after our kids in the past five years, he probably owes me about 700 days and that is probably on the low side. And of course I want to see my kids but single parenting is hard and I need breaks and they need to see their dad. He actually said ďI guess I could take them during the weekĒ once he is back home as if not having her there meant that he could just skip it. Uh no...youíre their dad. It is irrelevant whether or not you have someone else there to help you.

Anyway...I am over it. As DnJ so rightly declared...feelings are fleeting. I told him he has my support and I meant it. I doubt it has even crossed his mind that what he is going through is exactly what he put me through. TBH...that is the part that is irritating.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903907
09/16/20 02:36 AM
09/16/20 02:36 AM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,625
D
Dawn70 Offline
Member
Dawn70  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,625
Originally Posted by DejaVu6


I do get what you are saying Dawn. I really do. But it is a different situation. If he was the sick one, I would expect nothing of OW regarding the care of my kids because I am their mom and it is my responsibility. My agreement is not with her, it is with him and he is perfectly fine so expecting him to have a conversation with me is not asking too much. And in terms of being overwhelmed with having a ďsickĒ spouse, I know EXACTLY how that feels because I lived it for four years. Even though it turned out to be a bunch of baloney, I didnít know that. My situation was as real to me as yours was to you. Our kids, his daughter and his mom didnít know it either so not only did I have to manage my feelings during that time, I also had to manage theirs. It was a living hell... for YEARS. He didnít give a crap how overwhelmed I was or how it was impacting our kids. So, respectfully, I am fully entitled to feel irritated by this. He is lucky that is all I feel.
.


Yes my situation was somewhat different because I was in the role of your XH but my point in telling that story was just to help you see it from a different perspective. I didnít intend to be rude or disrespectful at all. And as I myself pointed out in my post, yes, you are entitled to feel annoyed or whatever other emotion you feel. I wasnít trying to sway you or say you were wrong...just trying to help you see a different angle.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903962
09/16/20 04:54 PM
09/16/20 04:54 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,359
K
kml Offline
Member
kml  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,359
Hope you're feeling better today.

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2904021
09/17/20 03:32 AM
09/17/20 03:32 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,696
D
DejaVu6 Offline OP
Member
DejaVu6  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,696
Thanks. Iím feeling a bit better every day. Had my first post-op appointment today with my surgeonís nurse. A really nice guy with the same name as my son. I told him I had to take one of my heavy pain meds to go sleep last night and when he removed the dressing, he saw that I had accidentally pulled one of my drains half way out and since they are sutured into my skin, it made sense. Anyway...he removed both drains and my dressing. Originally I had planned to return to work on the 22nd but I donít think I will be ready to sit at a desk for 8 hours a day so Iím taking another week. I checked in with my staff today and things are as slow as when I left so they donít really need me to rush back. So Iím going to take the extra time.

Next week, there is another sticky layer that comes off and then they put some sort of silicone on or something like that. He says he will explain it all next week. My belly button bandage comes off then too. My stomach looks pretty flat despite the swelling and the skin looks good so I think Iím going to like the results. The nurse at the clinic said I will really enjoy how strong I will feel with my core muscles back in place. Hopefully it is what I needed to stop by back from giving out periodically which it has been doing since my kids were born.

Kids are home today and are with me until Monday when they go back to their dadís. Monday TDH is coming over to ďlook afterĒ me. Heís been wanting to do that since my surgery but weíre not really at the stage where I am okay with him seeing me at my worst. I know it doesnít matter to him (he says) but it definitely matters to me. The first week or two after surgery is definitely sister time...lol. Anyway... I should be standing straight by then and fully showering on my own without needing any help drying off as Iím already about 90% there. It will be great to see him. Weíve been missing each other a lot.

Exchanged a number of texts with XH last night. Just some housekeeping items and tv show recommendations. We continue to have really positive interactions. I think me having a boyfriend helps in some ways. He doesnít have to worry about me reading anything into our interactions the way I think he used to when BD first happened. I stopped doing that long ago but he doesnít necessarily know that.

So...not much new to report. Nothing much happens when you are basically confined to your house. Today was the first day Iíve left it since I got home from my surgery. Hope all is well with everyone in DB land. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2904169
09/19/20 11:13 AM
09/19/20 11:13 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,359
G
Ginger1 Offline
Member
Ginger1  Offline
Member
G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,359
Hey vu! Just say saw your post.

Re: the pain! Iím afraid itís going to be a little while. So please take care of yourself and donít rich the process and let others help you as much as you can. My friend actually had an old adjustable bed in her sons room and she had to sleep on that and it helped her a lot. Youíll get there soon , youíll feel fantastic and will probably want to walk around in a bikini all day every day, even in the freezing cold!

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2904190
09/19/20 06:44 PM
09/19/20 06:44 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,696
D
DejaVu6 Offline OP
Member
DejaVu6  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,696
Thanks G. Yeah... this has been an interesting process to say the least. Historically, Iíve been a pretty fast healer and I think I tolerate pain pretty well but I canít see getting back to work before three weeks are up. Especially with nothing pressing to do. I also have a hard time letting people do things for me but I am making an exception this time. My kids have been somewhat helpful. They do what I ask them to do but I sure wish they would lose the pre-teen put-out look beforehand...lol. Hope your rash is clearing up. If anyone could use a helping hand these days, itís you. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2904191
09/19/20 06:48 PM
09/19/20 06:48 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,625
D
Dawn70 Offline
Member
Dawn70  Offline
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,625
I literally laughed out loud at the preteen put-out look. Girl.....hold on to your hat because it only gets worse when the teen years set in. They lose it about 22 or 23.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2904495
09/25/20 04:21 PM
09/25/20 04:21 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,696
D
DejaVu6 Offline OP
Member
DejaVu6  Offline OP
Member
D
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,696
Another five days of healing... bandages are off (I have a new belly button!!!). Saw my surgeon yesterday and he says everything looks good. If only I didnít have to wear this annoying stomach binder with the Velcro that comes undone every time I move too much...about 100 times a day!!!

Epic storm last night. My sister was just here using her shower as a downed tree cut off her power at about 5:30 a.m. KIds were over after school for about an hour yesterday. I dozed on the couch and she and TDH played three different board games. Having him around has been great. Heís been doing all of my chores for me and making me meals. Heís heading back tomorrow as he is finally going back to work. This might be short lived however as case numbers are spiking on the lower mainland and there is some talk of another shutdown. Here on the Island, despite tourist season, we are solidly sitting at 6 active cases...considering the area that covers and the population (about 900,000 people), Iíd say we are rocking this!!

Other than that, not much to report. Life is just rolling along and my R with TDH is getting stronger and stronger. He really is a lot like me. Wears his heart on his sleeve, loves people, cares about the important things in life... we are just really, really compatible in a lot of ways. Oh...and...this might be TMI but... BEST SEX EVER!!!! So thereís that too...lol.

(((HUGS))) to all!!!


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Page 7 of 10 1 2 5 6 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004