Sounds like you're doing pretty good, L. I agree with Steve that your W is trying to get back into the MBR. The old reverse psychology of "why would I want to move back to the MBR" and the we need to tell the kids because they are wondering why she's not in the MBR are pretty good signs. It's a power move. She had control in the relationship when she said she wanted to D and you didn't. She expects to get ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING she wants. I also believe this is why she is putting the snippets of goodwill out there. She can feel you moving forward and doesn't like it. She's trying to lure you back in. She needs to know that you're still her plan B. Right now, all signs are pointing to the fact that you won't be plan B. She does not like this one bit. Stay on guard and keep up the good DB'ing. Gotta give you credit, you're doing pretty good for a noob...;)
Me: 38 W:31 Kids: S16(mine from previous R), D10, S9, S4 M: 10 years T:12 years BD:Jan 3, 2018 W moved out: Apr 13,2018 Filed for D: Jun 2018 D final: Sep 2019
Very timely because W has just asked the question about telling the kids as I have walked in from the gym tonight. I have answered as per your suggestion and am taking some time to read a book by myself.
W is on her 3rd glass of wine. I do get the feeling by the end of days like today that she is irritated by me not playing to her rules. The best thing I have been doing is carrying on and side stepping these awkward moments. That seems to reduce the damage of me over talking.
W is absolutely raging tonight, spoiling for a fight. Picking on any slight irritation she has about me. In my continuous efforts to detach I am not going to think about why, or become emotionally embroiled in this drama of hers.
I have called a friend to shoot the breeze for 30 mins and will be going for a run to get out the house.
I must say though, I feel like I should be on high alert for whatever she is thinking of throwing my way. I must continue detaching, let this emotion by-pass me. Its hers to deal with.
W wanted a "talk' this evening. It was a calm discussion in which she told me that is was a shock when I asked her to move out the MBR, but she understands that it happens. She wasn't quite sure why I asked and questioned what prompted it. I validated and the discussion moved on quickly without answering why. W stated that she has been speaking to colleagues who have been through D and listened to their advice recently. W is firm on D.
W went on to say that I seem to be a roller-coaster currently with my emotions, one day we have a deep emotional conversation and then recently she states I have been emotionless. I validated. She asked me if I was emotionally exhausted, I threw in a disagreeing validation. The discussion was shorter than we have ever really had on these matters and we went our seperate ways.
5 mins later W has just come to me and said she was going to bed, I mentioned I was going out possibly meeting friends. W left and then returned 2 minutes later saying I was acting weird. I validated.
Time to GAL.....
When you start to detach they will either say you're acting weird, constantly ask what's wrong, or accuse you of cheating. Just keep listening and validating. Stay up beat, friendly, but not overly talkative.
You've got this!
Okay, interesting..... Got another 'your acting weird, are you okay' question from the wife, just now. Listened, gave thumbs up, content and now off for a run.
Sounds like you're doing pretty good, L. I agree with Steve that your W is trying to get back into the MBR. The old reverse psychology of "why would I want to move back to the MBR" and the we need to tell the kids because they are wondering why she's not in the MBR are pretty good signs. It's a power move. She had control in the relationship when she said she wanted to D and you didn't. She expects to get ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING she wants. I also believe this is why she is putting the snippets of goodwill out there. She can feel you moving forward and doesn't like it. She's trying to lure you back in. She needs to know that you're still her plan B. Right now, all signs are pointing to the fact that you won't be plan B. She does not like this one bit. Stay on guard and keep up the good DB'ing. Gotta give you credit, you're doing pretty good for a noob...;)
Thanks for the support mtb, I'm only really just starting to fully get the detaching process. I started last week withdrawing more than actually detaching, I've realised this and am tweaking it as I go. It's quite a fine line to establish.
Keeping my wits about me and settling in to this new way of life. I just need for her to slow down! She seems to be running at warp speed.
Current situation feels very strange, perhaps dark???? between W and I.
For my part I now need to concentrate on full time hours for work and/or applying for a new job that offers this or even getting a second job. I can feel myself making excuses, but I just need to crack on and bite the bullet. I have taken the necessary steps with my current employer to move to full time but due to current climate this may take a few months.
So next step - laptop is out and I will take the first step of polishing my CV and covering letter.
My stance is that I'm doing this is for me and to support my children.
W is making sporadic statements like ' how much is left on the mortgage to pay off' and '' I know I'm a lot further ahead in my thinking than you'. I know she has met with a mortgage advisor to understand what she can afford on her own.
Yesterday evening and this morning has been tough. I have been calling friends and family to just have normal conversations and lift my spirits, work has been a nice change with adult conversations.
W was very combatative when she came home from work yesterday. She made a few sly comments a couple of times in an attempt to pull me into a fight. I did have to stop at one point as she was attempting to start an argument and say ' you are being very combatative which is absolutely unnecessary, do not talk to me like that, I will not accept it.' she nodded and we carried on with the children's evening routine. I have had to stop myself thinking 'why and what have I done to deserve this ongoing resentment, I truly have only tried my best over the past few years. (disclosing this as these were my true inner thoughts) I know this victim statement is not helpful, my W has a view and this is her absolute reality. I respect that, don't agree with it, but need to now let it go to detach from that waste of a thought.
*Feels cathartic writing it and letting it go*
Later on in the evening she changed her tune and was projecting a chirpy and upbeat mood. Throughout I am maintaining a seemingly content, nonchalant and easy mood.
Again, I'm trying to slow things down but W this morning stated 'I get paid tommorrow let's meet about finances tonight' I replied, 'sure, sounds good' but I am very wary that she may attempt to discuss S & D including house sale and financial mediation rather than the monthly day to day finance meet that we would normally have towards the end of the months.
I am finding W very hard to be around when not GAL.
W wanted a "talk' this evening. It was a calm discussion in which she told me that is was a shock when I asked her to move out the MBR, but she understands that it happens. She wasn't quite sure why I asked and questioned what prompted it. I validated and the discussion moved on quickly without answering why. W stated that she has been speaking to colleagues who have been through D and listened to their advice recently. W is firm on D.
W went on to say that I seem to be a roller-coaster currently with my emotions, one day we have a deep emotional conversation and then recently she states I have been emotionless. I validated. She asked me if I was emotionally exhausted, I threw in a disagreeing validation. The discussion was shorter than we have ever really had on these matters and we went our seperate ways.
5 mins later W has just come to me and said she was going to bed, I mentioned I was going out possibly meeting friends. W left and then returned 2 minutes later saying I was acting weird. I validated.
Time to GAL.....
When you start to detach they will either say you're acting weird, constantly ask what's wrong, or accuse you of cheating. Just keep listening and validating. Stay up beat, friendly, but not overly talkative.
You've got this!
Okay, interesting..... Got another 'your acting weird, are you okay' question from the wife, just now. Listened, gave thumbs up, content and now off for a run.
I got that a lot as I got better at detachment. As I said before, their loss of control over you, and the feeling that plan B is no longer as solidified as they had counted on, they start to do things and say things to reel you back in. My W hadn't asked me if I was okay in months...maybe years, prior to BD and then me starting to get good at detachment. Her sudden concern for my mental well-being didn't come from a place of empathy, it came from a place of selfishness.
Remember, WSs are the most selfish beings on the planet! Everything they do comes back to being all about them.
Stay the course.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Current situation feels very strange, perhaps dark???? between W and I.
For my part I now need to concentrate on full time hours for work and/or applying for a new job that offers this or even getting a second job. I can feel myself making excuses, but I just need to crack on and bite the bullet. I have taken the necessary steps with my current employer to move to full time but due to current climate this may take a few months.
So next step - laptop is out and I will take the first step of polishing my CV and covering letter.
My stance is that I'm doing this is for me and to support my children.
W is making sporadic statements like ' how much is left on the mortgage to pay off' and '' I know I'm a lot further ahead in my thinking than you'. I know she has met with a mortgage advisor to understand what she can afford on her own.
Yesterday evening and this morning has been tough. I have been calling friends and family to just have normal conversations and lift my spirits, work has been a nice change with adult conversations.
W was very combatative when she came home from work yesterday. She made a few sly comments a couple of times in an attempt to pull me into a fight. I did have to stop at one point as she was attempting to start an argument and say ' you are being very combatative which is absolutely unnecessary, do not talk to me like that, I will not accept it.' she nodded and we carried on with the children's evening routine. I have had to stop myself thinking 'why and what have I done to deserve this ongoing resentment, I truly have only tried my best over the past few years. (disclosing this as these were my true inner thoughts) I know this victim statement is not helpful, my W has a view and this is her absolute reality. I respect that, don't agree with it, but need to now let it go to detach from that waste of a thought.
*Feels cathartic writing it and letting it go*
Later on in the evening she changed her tune and was projecting a chirpy and upbeat mood. Throughout I am maintaining a seemingly content, nonchalant and easy mood.
Again, I'm trying to slow things down but W this morning stated 'I get paid tommorrow let's meet about finances tonight' I replied, 'sure, sounds good' but I am very wary that she may attempt to discuss S & D including house sale and financial mediation rather than the monthly day to day finance meet that we would normally have towards the end of the months.
I am finding W very hard to be around when not GAL.
*Updates to follow*
Remember, you do not have to give answers. "I need more time to process everything." is a perfectly acceptable answer. State you don't have an answer for her at this time, then listen and validate.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re finance talks- how many times h has started these but never got anywhere saying tha he feels that he is climbing a mountain on his own and im being obstructive.
We go from him just giving all of his wages, To him paying the bill and mortgage to well im sure we will Have that convo very soon.
We discussed house valuation (i leave it to him to sort) he suggestsd going together to see a mortgage broker to see what we can do in terms of mortgages etc. To sitting down together and seeing what type of house would work for me and hiw we can achieve two stable homes basically. All great all i said was im not yet in a position to discuss any of this, as i have some changes at work and need to understand what my wages will be, i also need to understand my mortgage capacity and what the bank will lend me, once i have all these details we can allocate time and go though some of this.
Gigi, this start and stop is because this is an area where his choice is going to cost him. WASs often blink in the face of having a cost associated with their actions. Whether that be monetarily, emotionally, relationally, etc. They want to do what they want to do with no blowback, and when it comes to unwinding lives financially as part of a D process there is nothing more in their face about the cost of their choices. So in typical WAS fashion they will often run the other direction. So your experience surprises me not at all.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
W wanted a "talk' this evening. It was a calm discussion in which she told me that is was a shock when I asked her to move out the MBR, but she understands that it happens. She wasn't quite sure why I asked and questioned what prompted it. I validated and the discussion moved on quickly without answering why. W stated that she has been speaking to colleagues who have been through D and listened to their advice recently. W is firm on D.
W went on to say that I seem to be a roller-coaster currently with my emotions, one day we have a deep emotional conversation and then recently she states I have been emotionless. I validated. She asked me if I was emotionally exhausted, I threw in a disagreeing validation. The discussion was shorter than we have ever really had on these matters and we went our seperate ways.
5 mins later W has just come to me and said she was going to bed, I mentioned I was going out possibly meeting friends. W left and then returned 2 minutes later saying I was acting weird. I validated.
Time to GAL.....
When you start to detach they will either say you're acting weird, constantly ask what's wrong, or accuse you of cheating. Just keep listening and validating. Stay up beat, friendly, but not overly talkative.
You've got this!
Okay, interesting..... Got another 'your acting weird, are you okay' question from the wife, just now. Listened, gave thumbs up, content and now off for a run.
I got that a lot as I got better at detachment. As I said before, their loss of control over you, and the feeling that plan B is no longer as solidified as they had counted on, they start to do things and say things to reel you back in. My W hadn't asked me if I was okay in months...maybe years, prior to BD and then me starting to get good at detachment. Her sudden concern for my mental well-being didn't come from a place of empathy, it came from a place of selfishness.
Remember, WSs are the most selfish beings on the planet! Everything they do comes back to being all about them.
Stay the course.
Thankyou Steve85, my W comment is coming from an absolute source of selfishness. Our relationship has changed, my behaviour has changed and she cannot predict what I am thinking or feeling, whereas she had a good handle. On it a few weeks ago.
