Over the past couple of days W has given me little snippets of goodwill.
'can I iron your shirt' / 'ill make food tonight' / finished work early today. My gut tells me to be wary.....
I think your gut serves your well. When we break patterns in relationships... it causes anxiety. Both in the other person and ourselves. Keep doing what you're doing. Time will reveal all.
Last edited by Valeska19; 09/21/2004:45 PM.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
W is currently not in MBR, at my request, and remains in a spare room. So far W has stated that we are seperated (cohabiting) and it doesn't make sense for her to try and come back to MBR as she wants D. Last night W said we should start to talk to kids about the sitch as they are starting to ask questions as to why mummy is not in mbr.
I did bite a little and say 'yes, YOU need to do some research to bring it to the table so we can navigate this properly' ( I felt strongly at the time that W has brought D onto the table so should start doing some of the hard work) not my best moment but was a natural reaction at the time.
We are some way away from actioning D. We haven't yet begun process of financial mediation etc. Its been loosely spoken about but not actively booked. Individually I do believe we have both been sorting our finances out though. I don't want to steam roll and start booking all this and organising this as I don't want D!
My concerns are that it is too soon to inform the children, although W is set on D, she and I have agreed to slow things down for Xmas to pass so as not to damage the xmas season for the rest of the children's lives.
Do I allow W back into the MBR for the sakes of prolonging telling the children? (not too sure this is a good move now- respect)
Has anyone navigated these waters or have any take on what works?
CrossFit tonight.... No R talk.
Lplates you've already been given the advice on when to allow her back into the MBR: When she is fully committed back to the marriage and the EA is over, and her actions are consistent with that for a long period of time. In other words, it is WAY to early to let her back. She has proven nothing other than that she is slightly in panic mode due to your DBing well and moving on. Just like my W did.
As far as telling the kids, just put it off for now. When she brings it up say "I understand we will have to tell the kids that you are going D me. However, I really need some time to process everything and organize my thoughts around this. Let's discuss it later." Then listen and validate. Likely this is a manipulation attempt to get you to let her back into the MBR. She probably really doesn't want to tell the kids anything.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Very timely because W has just asked the question about telling the kids as I have walked in from the gym tonight. I have answered as per your suggestion and am taking some time to read a book by myself.
W is on her 3rd glass of wine. I do get the feeling by the end of days like today that she is irritated by me not playing to her rules. The best thing I have been doing is carrying on and side stepping these awkward moments. That seems to reduce the damage of me over talking.
Over the past couple of days W has given me little snippets of goodwill.
'can I iron your shirt' / 'ill make food tonight' / finished work early today. My gut tells me to be wary.....
I think your gut serves your well. When we break patterns in relationships... it causes anxiety. Both in the other person and ourselves. Keep doing what you're doing. Time will reveal all.
I am hanging in there, slowing down and being patient.... Thanks for touching base Valeska19
Poppin by you thread. You seem to be doing good! And you are getting great advice. Stay the course! Dont engage and DO NOT pursue. Stay busy. Crossfit sound like a great activity. (Doing Cleans today myself) Try Murph and set a time goal for yourself. I Hit somewhere around 35 min myself (no weightvest).
In regards to telling the kids you did right to follow Steves advice. AND you really should start to consider what you would like to tell them. Gigi just went through telling kids so you can get some input there. Talk to IC about it!
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Told the kids on Saturday. H came over just for that (he lives elsewhere, dont know where) Sat down to have dinner and i said to the boys very casually, boys you have noticed that papa doesnt soend any time at home, mama and papa arent getting along and papa wont be living with us anymore. I love you both so much and so does papa. Is there anything you would like to know?! S5- can i be done with dinner and watch minecraft. S6 (nearly 7) crying and cuddling dad.
So my H planned speech was along the lines papa doesnt love mama anymore and decided to leave because everyone will be happier that way. I suggested he doesnt say that, as love is clearly something that you can stop doing and i didnt want the kids to start thinking that he can stop loving them too.
He left after dinner and speaking to s6, i was rather upset and then before bedtime it started, the tears, the questions. Things like, papa made it worse for me, we are not a family anymore, how is everyone happier? So just be prepared to answer questions, telling them was the easy part.....
Whatever you decide to tell them make it as casual as possible, i gave mine ice cream after, its just another day in our household.
Both my IC and some reading I did strongly suggest to show that you don't know what will happen. So if questions arise it is totally OK to say, you don't know.
But again, this might be a month away for you, or more. Read up and if W continues to bring it decide where you stand and what you would like to say.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
Told the kids on Saturday. H came over just for that (he lives elsewhere, dont know where) Sat down to have dinner and i said to the boys very casually, boys you have noticed that papa doesnt soend any time at home, mama and papa arent getting along and papa wont be living with us anymore. I love you both so much and so does papa. Is there anything you would like to know?! S5- can i be done with dinner and watch minecraft. S6 (nearly 7) crying and cuddling dad.
So my H planned speech was along the lines papa doesnt love mama anymore and decided to leave because everyone will be happier that way. I suggested he doesnt say that, as love is clearly something that you can stop doing and i didnt want the kids to start thinking that he can stop loving them too.
He left after dinner and speaking to s6, i was rather upset and then before bedtime it started, the tears, the questions. Things like, papa made it worse for me, we are not a family anymore, how is everyone happier? So just be prepared to answer questions, telling them was the easy part.....
Whatever you decide to tell them make it as casual as possible, i gave mine ice cream after, its just another day in our household.
Gigi - really appreciate you sharing your experience, thank you. I very much wish to angle it as casual as possible and taking away any 'love' statements, more being matter of fact. It was good to highlight that the real work happens after the talk, when the questions come after a period of reflection. Thank you. Food for thought.
For the time being I am heeding Steve85's advice and delaying... Until its an absolute must. Around me, the children haven't been asking the question so i don't really believe it's such a pressing issue right now. ( I spend a greater deal of time with the kids currently)
Both my IC and some reading I did strongly suggest to show that you don't know what will happen. So if questions arise it is totally OK to say, you don't know.
But again, this might be a month away for you, or more. Read up and if W continues to bring it decide where you stand and what you would like to say.
Mumin, You are making sense. I am trying to slow things down but my W is a steam train at the moment! I will be booking IC to navigate the complexities of telling the children. I have bought some books to read on the subject but to be honest I'm feeling exhausted, I have been reading like fury! I have been reading lots of threads, Dr, NMMNG and others which I won't list. I need to read something non M related for fear of my head exploding!
But I'm not giving up, I'm going to put the books down for a couple of days and regroup.
Tommorrow I'll be grabbing my mountain bike and hitting the hills around here, to get some clarity.
I must say, it has been the best thing stumbling across this forum. Thank you all for reading and the input!
I absolutely agree, delay for as long as possible. Its been 6 months for me and h hasnt lived in the house for about 4. He used to say to the boys he was working a lot because of covid, but it was becoming difficult for me to manage expectations, and they would ask to ring dad after school, but firstly I dont want to ring him And initiate any contact and secondly he never picked up. So i pushed to tell the boys, even since saturday they have asked less about when he is coming, as there are less expectations and i try and keep them busy after school with trips to the park. If your w pushes for it i would suggest you agree on what it is you want to say, but if the kids arent asking questions at this stage, delay delay delay.
And totally agree with mumin, some od the questions i didnt have answers to, like is this forever? And i honestly said to s6 i dont know. I have also openly said that i didnt want this to happen, but sometimes it does.
