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Part 1 - https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2866861&page=1

Part 2: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2882104&page=1

- divorced a few months ago

- Less communication with XW these days although I hear from her from time to time.

- trying to build a new life


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 288
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BenB Offline OP
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Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Wow, sorry to hear about the medical scare but glad you are doing well! It's nice that your XW does at least care, I have no doubt it was genuine. My XW is the same, doesn't mean she wants to get back with me but she does care and asks questions about my health sometimes (if I'm sick or something), offers to help and shows interest.

Have a good time in Greece! I've never been, it's on my bucket list!


Thanks AS,

You are right, I didn't read anything else into it.

One thing that has helped me is that my 40th birthday is in December and I've set a goal with my workout so my focus has constantly been on that. That photographer friend of mine from last year will be taking pictures of the results(the pics are for my eyes only of course) so I'm currently following a strict diet. Setting that date for photography is so important because it adds a little bit of pressure but in a good way. I remember how much this helped last year, took my mind of anything negative for months.

And the side effect is that you feel and look great. Can not recommend a better GAL activity.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Joined: Aug 2012
Posts: 8,152
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Excellent! I remember you mentioning the photoshoot before, great idea. Covid really wrecked my workout routine. Both of the gyms I was going to closed for months. They both reopened about a month ago, but the Crossfit gym has so many restrictions that I haven't gone back. So I've been doing all weight training instead. Put on 10 very unwanted pounds during the hiatus! I've started counting macros again and have dropped 3 so far. Good luck with your goals and the shoot!


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Thanks you for sharing

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BenB Offline OP
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Trying to update a bit and I've missed the last two posts here -

AS - thank you! I think two years ago if I would have gained weight I'd probably freak out but now that I know what I am capable of, I don't stress about it. I've actually put on 10kg(22lbs) in the past few months on purpose to build muscle mass. My face is rounder and I've swelled up a bit it seems but as long as you know you have that discipline, it doesn't bother me. Starting sometime in November, I'll be back to toning again.

lupacex, no problem but how come you haven't started a thread on your own?

To update on my sitch - I feel great but I'm still nowhere near where I wanna be. The reason I say this is because I feel great right now. But that's also because I have so many amazing GAL activities planned. On Friday I travel to Copenhagen to one of the best restaurants in the world together with a close friend. I haven't had a cheat day in a long time so it will be a cheat weekend!

Next week I have a dinner planned at a new restaurant with my brother and some of our friends I haven't seen in a while.

The weekend after that, my friends and business partners from Greece are traveling here from Thursday to Sunday. I'll be taking them to my favorite places. So pretty much all of October is filled with fun things to do. But I need to learn to feel good without all those things. Seems that as soon as I have something planned, even if it's weeks from now, I feel good but when I have nothing special planned, I feel lonely. This is something I need to improve.

Finally, when it comes to XW there is a place I hope I can get to and that is forgiveness. I've gone pretty much NC the past month. She messaged me asking for a recipe a few weeks ago but besides that nothing. I hope some day I get to a point where I can look at this and not feel any anger about what has happened but I am not there yet so I try not to think about it at all. When I do, I can easily spiral to unhappy thoughts. Thoughts as small as, couldn't all this have happened before I spent a fortune on a wedding or thoughts about why I didn't just go NC and never looked back ever again because she doesn't deserve any more. But I digress...

Back to cuddling with my dog and try to do P90X at home while he runs after me with his toys.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 288
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Been over a month since my last update and as you can see, I don't post very often. Main reason is I don't have much to update really.

There were a few months were I spent some time with XW but I started to get suspicious of her intentions. I guess I will never know why she reached out so often but my guess is that I am some sort of safe space for her. Another reason is that most likely she misses my dog which used to be our dog. So I started to pull back, kept my answers short when she messaged. Eventually I started to hear less from her. Between October and just until a few days ago we had zero communication. Then she reached out and asked what type of CBD oil I use and asked if I was home so she can come over and look at it. I found this odd as I could of course just snap a picture and send her. But I was out with the dog, far from where she was so I told her that.

She messaged me again when she returned home to show me which one she ended up buying. When she reaches out for these seemingly unimportant things, I can't help but to think she has some sort of ulterior motive. Perhaps to come and see the dog, or maybe even hoping to have a meal at my place as she knows I cook good food.

I don't think we will ever R or even be friends at some point. I've come to the realization that she views me more as a parent. It's sad but my focus now is to be attractive for my next partner.

I came to this forum hoping to save my marriage but like many others, I wasn't able to. I wouldn't trade this experience and the man I've become for anything but it still feels sad to think about how something that started so beautiful ended in such a terrible way.

I'll probably be posting less on this forum, even less that I have been now. My full focus is on my work out, I've gotten so far that I am considering perhaps competing in the next few years. But we'll see about that. I'm turning 40 in less than a month and I'm proud of myself for keeping this up, in February 2 years since BD.


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,485
Likes: 148
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Benny B,

Sounds like you’re doing well. I think early on you put yourself in the friend zone and never should have allowed that to happen. She has never really had the chance to miss you.

I think a lot of it is perspective. Are you sad that it happened or happy because it made you the man you are today?

Big things are coming your way Benny B you just have to keep moving forward and keep your buddy Mummin moving forward.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Thank you LH,

I think I am something far worse than friend zoned, I think am dad zoned, yikes!

It's mixed feelings, I understand how fortunate it is that I've become a better person. I see how my other relationships have improved. My relationship with my family is better, my sister and I have become closer, I have new friends now and my old friends seem to enjoy my company more. I was worried I would go back to my old ways but I realize this is the new me and that is what makes me proud.

But then there's this feeling of how sad it is that XW and I ended this way. It was such a beautiful love story, the way we met and all we have been through. I don't think that feeling will ever go away, but I will learn to live with it. I use the pain to move forward and pursue a better life in every aspect.

When I read your last sentence, I agree. I have a feeling something great will come out of this. I don't know what of course, but my intuition tells me that in fact big things are coming my way. Thank you for posting LH!


Me: 38
Stbxw: 35
No kids
Mini bd: February 6, 2019
ONS confirmed Sept 7, 2019
Told her to move out: September 8, 2019
W moved out: September 28, 2019
Divorce filed by me: September 23, 2019
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 8,485
Likes: 148
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Benny,

Using pain to grow and move forward is a powerful thing. This may be a chapter in your love story. Nobody knows what the future holds.

It’s very interesting how two people in the story see things so differently. I guess that is what makes the world such an interesting place.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

�Happiness equals reality minus expectations�- Magliozzi
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Hey Ben!
Nice to hear from you. You seem to be doing great!
I think it is wise to move your attention away from here unless you intend to post advice.

Originally Posted by BenB

But then there's this feeling of how sad it is that XW and I ended this way. It was such a beautiful love story, the way we met and all we have been through. I don't think that feeling will ever go away, but I will learn to live with it. I use the pain to move forward and pursue a better life in every aspect.

This is very similar to how I feel.
You are a bit further in the journey of course.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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