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Hi May,

Sorry for the turn this week. I am SO impressed with your strength and words--that you will stop considering him a weak person not when he stay or goes but when he stops acting like a weak person, lol. It is a sad situation and you've been incredibly understanding and given him many chances to figure himself out.

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May,

You are so strong, you make me feel strong when I need to talk to my H who lives in the bedroom.

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Originally Posted by may22
He said, I am really unsure. I haven't actually made my decision yet. I said, you're a selfish and weak person with no moral center. He said, we haven't really talked this time around. What would it be like if I stayed? I don't want to be married to someone who hates me and thinks I'm selfish and weak and empty inside. I said, then don't be. And, don't you think that of yourself? Don't you see how the choices you have made and continue to make are incredibly selfish? He said, I see that. I don't see where I'm weak. I said, if you weren't weak this never would have happened. If you weren't weak, you wouldn't have told me six weeks ago that your intention was to never speak to her again and then a week after we get back from the trip you're back in the same place. You'd be a person who had integrity and honored his commitments, the big ones and the little ones. He pushed me again, I mean, if I stayed, would you be able to forgive me? Would you just keep thinking I was a selfish and weak person? I said, I'll think that as long as that is who you are, whether you stay or go. And I think I've said over and over how I feel. I'm done talking about that with you. And I walked away.

Incredible. I am in awe of how you are handling this.

I hope you can keep coming back to this paragraph that you wrote. It is really amazing.

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My dear May, I lost 55lbs throughout this mess. 30 alone was from stress. I was on nothing but liquids from the end of November until the middle of January. I didn't start consuming solid foods 3 meals a day until probably April. Please my dear, even if it's coconut water, gatorade, ensure, pedilyte, a protein shake. Try to get those in. I was also incredibly thirsty with no appetite. And I fear you have a lot less wiggle room than I had with that kind of stress weight loss. Make sure you're getting something in you. It will help you sleep too.

Your last post honestly made me laugh. I don't know why but I can just see the pearl clutching/beaten puppy faces your H was making at you. I've never even seen the man but in my head he's like the Malibu Ken doll I had in the early 90s. I think you're headed in the right direction for you May. I'm glad your taking this. And if he perceives you standing up for yourself. And truly believing in your vows as you being an unrelenting b!tch he's far too immature for you. He probably always was.

I'm thinking of you often even if I'm not on here as much as I used to be. xoxoxo

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Echoing what everyone else has said—go, may! It actually made me wish my H had the tiniest insight into himself, some level of acknowledgement that what he’s doing is selfish and wrong, so that I could just lay it all out like you just did. That’s probably not what I should be taking away. Ha. But I just really admire the way you handled that.

When I was unable to eat and then even when I was eating but not keeping on weight, a friend recommended oatmeal with all the extra calories I could cram in, so I ate small bowls of instant oatmeal with half and half or cream (cream was a little too rich!), brown sugar or maple syrup, nuts... and it helped. Somehow oatmeal was something I could mindlessly eat even without being hungry most of the time.


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May,

I always read through your updates.

You’re awesome and good for you for setting boundaries and sticking up for yourself.

You should be proud of how you’re handling everything.

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May - hats off.

You stuck to your boundaries. You handled interaction with grace. You have taken your H off his pedestal.

I found your conversation interesting... the more you pulled away and rebuffed your H... the more he wanted to pursue and see your previous side of things.

Your H is so afraid of waking up and realizing that he may have let the wrong person go... you, the AP, you, the AP, you.... he is clearly in panic mode because the decision is no longer his but yours.

I think you are on the right path here!!

It will be at this point with you sticking to knowing what it is that you want for yourself that your H may finally sit down and do the work to be worthy to be your H. On this current path he is going to earn you back.... he either has that light bulb moment or he doesn't. But, you... you will be okay if he doesn't. AND, that is attractive and why he is struggling to get you to fall back with him.

I hope you had a restful night.

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The number one challenge people have on DB is that they WANT to pursue because they want their control back, so despite knowing they shouldn't, they invent viable excuses to justify it to themselves and then do it anyway.

Lack of self control is the #1 enemy of DB. If self control were easy, no one would smoke, drink, or be overweight. Its very hard, but that's what it takes to turn things around, commitment to being counter-intuitive and fighting your impulses.

Going the other way is the *only* thing that may effect your H right now.

I often tell people, the shortest path back together is a straight line in the opposite direction.

The very best path is the minute your partner says they want out you smile, say "good luck with that", hand them a box of their stuff, and go live a kick-@ss life of your own.

In that case, they have to spend zero time focused on getting away with you and can right away shift into wondering where you've gone. That's what you want.

In terms of him feeling differently -- when you first met he didn't instantly want to marry you, then you got married and he didn't want to leave you, then at some point he did want to leave you. He was stubborn the whole time, made three decisions there and changed his feelings about the first two. That should prove to you that his feelings do change, and despite how he feels now, or what he says now, he may feel and do completely different things in the future. You have hard evidence of that.

The ride is just beginning. He won't be done with you for a long time, nor will you be done with him. Since you have a kids together you will be intermeshed for years.

Stay strong May!

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Wow, thanks guys. You sure know how to boost a girl's confidence!

Originally Posted by LH19
The ride is just beginning. He won't be done with you for a long time, nor will you be done with him. Since you have a kids together you will be intermeshed for years.

UGH. This is what I'm afraid of. The ride is just beginning no matter what. We will have to have some sort of relationship probably forever, because I chose to have children with him.

So our talk about what to tell the kids last night didn't get there. He doesn't know what to do. Blah blah blah. Nothing really new here so I won't bore you people. The only differences in what he said were that he knows he could get over her if he tried and he can't talk about what to tell the kids because protecting them is his very top priority and he can't figure out how to not hurt them if he leaves.

He asked about a trial separation. I said, sure. But if you're in touch with AP, then it is just a regular separation and we're done. He got a little huffy, isn't that the point of a trial S? I said, not in my book. A trial S to figure stuff out for both of us makes sense. But separating just so you can go carry on your A -- I have no interest in that. (HONESTLY. Where do they get this $hit? He was like, I won't SEE her. I said, any contact is carrying on the affair.)

He said, I can let go of the idea of her, get over her, reconcile myself to knowing she is out of my life forever. I never really did that before. (and this time is different.... why?) But I can't promise you I'll fall back in love with you and we'll have a perfect M2.0. The best I can guarantee is that we have everything else, partnership, friendship, blah blah blah, but not the intimacy. Like on a scale of 1-10, 1 being ideal M, 10 being acrimonious D, I can give you a 2 or a 3. I said, no thanks. I didn't go through all of this and am not willing to invest more--all of what it will take if we stay together--for the chance at at a ho-hum MR.

He said, but what is best for the kids? We need to do what is best for them. (He knows my weak spot.) He actually came up to me again this morning and said the same thing... we need to think about what is best for the children. I didn't respond, but what I think I want to say is that I've been prioritizing them this whole time. If it wasn't for them, I would be long, long gone. Meanwhile, he's only been thinking about himself and his FEELINGS. This is the third time we are in this same situation and I feel I have done everything humanly possible to give our M a shot. I'm done with this. It is time for me to start thinking about myself.

I said if we stay together or have a trial S, I still want a post-nup agreement signed and I want an infidelity clause. (Thanks, Chump Lady.) We can work out exactly what constitutes infidelity and what the consequences will be, but I think it should be something like the person that cheats loses the house. He said he won't sign anything like that. He'll sign a pledge to me but not a legally binding document with monetary consequences. I said, people that don't intend to ever cheat again would have no problem with that. He said, but we shouldn't have to sign it because we should trust each other. We shouldn't not cheat on each other because we're afraid of losing the house. We should not cheat on each other because we don't want to. (OMG. What planet is this guy on???) I said, right. Your word means nothing. If you have a better idea, I'll listen.

Oh, and I asked him if he'd talked to her. He said no, I haven't talked to her. The way he said it-- "talked to her"-- made me ask, have you been in contact with her in any way? He said, I sent her an email this afternoon that said I was really struggling. I was really really struggling. I don't know if she'll respond. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that. (Making sure Plan A is still there since Plan B is done with your weak and selfish @ss.) He apologized, said he was weak. Yep, you sure are, buddy. Then he said the reason he reached out was to tell her that he was never going to contact her again and it was over forever, that she deserves that. (What?? Haven't you already done that twice? Didn't you do that before the trip? Yes, well, I told her NC for the trip and we may never talk again. TBH, I think this whole train of reasoning was just BS. He reached out to see if she was still there.)

So, no resolution. This morning he came up all chatty to me. I let him talk for a few sentences and then he didn't stop and I interrupted him to say "we're not friends." He huffed away and then came back a few minutes later to say to me, "we're not friends" back. I said, ok. He said, I just wanted to show you how rude that was to say to me. (???)

I feel less angry, but I'm not sure if that is because I'm starting to detach or because he's leaning back in. I really need to stay strong on focusing on what is best for me and the kids. i had a long conversation with my friend yesterday about this-- I feel like what is best for me, personally, is to move on and be done with this M. What is best for my kids may not be the same thing. She also really warned me to be careful about relying too much on anything H is saying right now about what he'll give me in a D, especially around the children. If we do 50-50 custody, I get no child support and then probably can't afford the mortgage on this house. And he's going to want 50-50. Of course he is. Re-reading my thread from back in July, this is the part that scared me back into accepting the crumbs of this fake R he offered me.

I feel like I can figure out what to do if we separate in terms of how to interact with him. What I can't visualize, right now, is staying together.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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May,

That was a tough read.

I guess I am just curious as to why you think staying in a loveless marriage is best for the kids? I can assure you that if you both D and end up in loving relationships that will be better for your kids and the both of you. I would be a win/win.

I see here people often saying they are doing it for the kids when in all reality they are just afraid of the own known and that allows them to hold on tighter.

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