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Rachel

Im so sorry, i urge you to get help with little ones if you feel like you just want to go for A drive, stop in the car park and cry, sob, scream. Its ok to give into emotions, you just need to do it in private. You need to make sure that you are ok, this is your job number one! I remember feeling the same way re kids. Dont, it is well and truly on him how much time he spends or doesnt spend with kids. I dont tell the kids anymore if dad is coming to avoid disappointment, if he comes great if he doesnt they dont know any different.

I know its tricky, but i try and pretend that my H is a lodger (he stays at the house quiet a bit) i dont need to know where he is and what is he doing, as long as he fulfills all financial commitments.

Have you told your family yet?

Rachel its early days, but you will be ok, in fact you will be good, great even. I was reading Mays thread today and i was astonished by her strength and resolve. And some of the things that she has said where she has become so strong realising that her H is weak and she frankly doesnt want this. I promise you If he doesnt return you will feel the same.

You deserve to be with someone who truly wants to be with you, you deserve to be someone only plan, not plan b, your children deserve to see their mum loved and cherished. And if its not your H it will someone so much better for you!

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Gigi, I have not told my family yet and do not intend to do so until some point in the future. Maybe if/when he gets divorce papers? I just cannot handle their questions right now and concern. it will make me more stressed out. Unfortunately, all 3 kids and I seem to have come down with something and are sick so I wont be getting help this week, but thank God for tv! smile Thank you for your post. It is amazing to me how much words from someone I don't know can help me feel heard.

I blocked him on facebook so he cannot message me for now. Of course he can still phone. But I was in the habit of checking when he was active on fb, and it just wasn't helping me. He was only admitting "yes I kissed her" because that is the only proof I showed him. He didnt admit anything beyond that. I messaged and told him when he is ready to tell the truth, let me know. Then I blocked him. Yes I realize that is probably terrible DBing.

One thing I was thinking about-he has cheated a few times. We have been married almost 9 years. He started this relationship with the girl only 2 weeks after moving out. He seems to be unable to be alone. I wasn't making him feel wanted/loved, made him feel like he was a POS (because he was treating me like crap and I wasn't putting up with it), so he found someone to make him feel wanted. He has carried on other EA in the past and the revolving theme is that he just needs the attention, validation, etc. I get that it is nice to feel wanted, but really??

Side note-I know this girl doesn't know the real him and she is fooling herself if she thinks she can carry on a relationship with him for long. She has 3 kids also and no way in heck can he support her 3 kids and my 3 kids. I know if the relationship continues she will see how he actually is. Anyway, I'm just rambling.

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Rachel, I feel your pain. Discovery of an active affair is so heartbreaking. If you can't reach out to your family, are there other people in your life you can turn to for support? You shouldn't suffer this alone. Talking to other people may relieve the burden of handling all of this on your own.

Originally Posted by rachel75
One thing I was thinking about-he has cheated a few times. We have been married almost 9 years. He started this relationship with the girl only 2 weeks after moving out. He seems to be unable to be alone. I wasn't making him feel wanted/loved, made him feel like he was a POS (because he was treating me like crap and I wasn't putting up with it), so he found someone to make him feel wanted. He has carried on other EA in the past and the revolving theme is that he just needs the attention, validation, etc. I get that it is nice to feel wanted, but really??


This is absolute proof that it is all about HIM and not you. You did NOT break him. This is NOT your fault. I too have a needy H who has never been single in his life. Who needs copious amounts of validation and when I wasn't doing a good enough job of that (unbeknownst to me, of course), he sought attention elsewhere. I am not too far ahead of you, but what little I have learned about myself thus far is that in actuality, I don't want to be with a person who needs me to provide them with their sense of self, value, esteem or happiness (none of those things come from other people anyway... they are all things we have inside us). I am already raising 4 kids, that's enough work in that department. Not that these are helpful sentiments at this very moment in time, but maybe they can provide some guidance.

(((Rachel)))

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Originally Posted by rachel75
I messaged and told him when he is ready to tell the truth, let me know. Then I blocked him. Yes I realize that is probably terrible DBing.
This is great DBing!

You set a boundary with him. That is important.

"Never reveal WHAT you know or HOW you know. Only reveal that you DO KNOW."

Do not tolerate lies and deception.

A million ways to say this:

"We both know that is not true. I have better things to do than listen to your lies." Then exit the CONVO.


Stay strong Girl!

You can handle this.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
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I told 1 in real life friend early on in my sitch. He had already been through divorce and was a great support person. I also let my boss know what was going on. He was also supportive.

I suggest finding one "real" support person you can talk to in real life. Are you in IC? (individual counseling) That is also very helpful.

I spoke with my medical doctor and he prescribed some meds to help during those initial weeks. The sleeping pills were amazing. I took a bill, 30 minutes later out. 8 hours later would wake up, alert and ready for the day.


"What is best for my kids is best for me"
Amor Fati
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I understand about your family. My h family knew, but not mine and i was worried about his reputation, i was thinking i can ride it out and noone will know. It was the best decision to tell my mum! I dont know whT i was thinking not telling my family. If you Dont feel ready yet, do you have a friend, anyone at all you could just ring or txt to vent. Rachel its tough going on your own.

Do you still have relationship talks with him? Ask questions ? Dont, pretend you arent interested. Ok so when i had ic at the very beginning, she suggested treating him as if he is a patient, you might find him irritating, you might get angry, but you will never show and remain professional at all times. I know its difficult to do, but the more you try and the more it works.

Do you know he is an a@@еhole for cheating on you, you deserve better, your kids deserve better. I think db will be great for you To build you up! You dont need to think about saving you marriage, you need to save yourself and make sure those kids are good!
I hope you all feel better soon and please consider speaking to someone. Dont worry abiut his reputations, dont aorry about what people might think about him. If you ever recon, none of that would matter anyway and people around you will accept your choice.

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Today we had a long talk where he finally confirmed he is in fact sleeping with her. Said he found someone who makes him happy, yet claims they are not in a "relationship" like that. He said after he told her all the terrible things he has done (to me), she still thought he was amazing. This is how their sexual relationship began... Of course she thinks he is "amazing." this is the honeymoon phase and he didn't do all of those things to her. He is telling me they aren't in a relationship but telling OW he told me they will likely be together long term. She is saying ILY, etc. Basically, he is being a scheming liar still and being one to her also. I don't know how he thinks someone he has known 8 weeks can make him happy. And i dont know how she thinks he wont just do the same thing to her. Ugh. I NEED to detach but keep backtracking.

I will try that idea Gigi-treating him like a patient. I think it will help. I do have a couple of friends I can talk to. One of them is actually his sister.

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When I expressed hurt about him F***ing someone while we are still married, when he explicitly said he would wait ti D went through, he said he could move back home until the D goes through and then resume whatever physical relationship he was in. Thought that was weird. I dont know whether he meant it, but I said no.

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Rachel, id wait for someone more experienced to advice, but of course its a no!

Have you decided You are filing for D? Is he filing? Im 5 months in and d talk here and there, but i still havent seen the papers!

Please dont initiate any r talk with him, just boot him out and let him go, honestly he seems messed up and he will mess with your head!

I obv dont know his family, but be careful with his sister, i was very close with mil, but now our relationship is very limited and we only talk about kids. Its natural that his family will end up on his side or at least will try and keep things neutral.

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He claims he is filing and has claimed that since 2 months ago. I asked him about it today, where the papers are, and he says yet again he will file.

If I'm being honest, I have been turning to alcohol and that is what is messing me up. I am somewhat okay and then i drink and feel good. Then the emotions hit and i do stupid stuff like check his messages.

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