You both have questions about 180's and the Last Resort Technique- Can they go too far?
Look, the important part of doing a 180 is introducing the unexpected into your interactions. This doesn't mean that you should completely withdraw. Nor does the LRT mean that either. Doing the LRT means stopping the begging, pleading, pursuing, getting a grip on your own life and being more upbeat. But if your spouse starts to take an interest, that's a good sign and you should be available. Not clingy, mind you, but interested.
I think it might be tempting to back off completely and stop having contact because it might feel safer not to interact at all.But neither technique suggest your doing that. Re-read page 130. I wrote that if your spouse starts to show interest, readers should "Be loving in return, but do not become overly excited or enthusiastic."
But the bottom line is this, the proof is in the pudding. If your spouse is responding lovingly, you're on the right track. If not, you have to finetune what you're doing. Hope this helps. Do re-read the section on the last resort technique. Okay? Michele
So this is a post from michelle. Thoughts?
Agree with MWD 100%. The only thing I would caution is that this doesn't mean that the minute the WAS responds lovingly, you go all in on pursuit and pressure again. I am sure MWD doesn't mean that. Be sure by giving it some time for consistency that it is NOT a manipulation attempt on their part. I've said it hundreds of times on this forum. When a LBS get really good at GAL, 180ing, detaching, and when necessary, LRT, the WAS will often feel the loss of control over their LBS. This makes them nervous because the one thing they feel they can rely on is the LBS being there as Plan B. So often then will start to reach out, start to respond lovingly, to make sure that the LBS is still firmly there as Plan B. Once they feel that is confirmed, the dynamic will go back to the way it was prior to the loving response(s).
So yes, if your WAS start responding lovingly, and consistently over time, and you can be sure it is more than a temp-check/manipulation attempt, then the LBS should start showing a little interest to test the waters even more.
We've seen it over and over again on this forum where a LBS responds to hastily to a "nice" response from their WAS only to see the WAS retreat the other way just as quickly.
You see I think your response Steve is going to be confusing to Indy. Her texting him I love you and miss you is pure manipulation on her part.
LH, Im looking for consistencey but my wifes not a bad person, I think assuming everything is manpulation is a stretch. Shes a person too. She's just trying to figure out how to be happy too. I love her and respect her enough to give her time and space to figure that out without me pursuing her.
Shes a person too. She's just trying to figure out how to be happy too.
Ok Indy the same can be said about my EXW. But at what cost? My life has been flipped upside down (fine I'm a big boy). My kids. My daughter came to me Monday and said she can't take her mom anymore and wants to see a therapist. My families. Her families. Some of my friends. At what point is "well she's just trying to be happy not fuching acceptable anymore???
I think your W can love and do a horrible thing to you at the same time. I loved my wife but I did treat her horribly. She never stopped loving me but she treated me badly.
I don't know enough of your background to know everything about your sitch. Does her family know what she is doing?
I don't see you pursuing her either, did I miss something? Her calling you is not you pursuing. It is a good sign, so is the ILY. Don't read into them too much though. What Steve posted is good and so is your quote from Michele.
Give her space like you've been doing and turn the focus back to you and what you were doing.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
LH,Im looking for consistencey but my wifes not a bad person, I think assuming everything is manpulation is a stretch.
Sure you could say its pursuit, control, fear. But can you say that phone call was loving to YOU? If so - please tell us things she told you. Again all we know is that she said ILY, IMY, and pipe dreams.
Originally Posted by Indy470
Shes a person too. She's just trying to figure out how to be happy too.
I think this may be true... but it's too soon in your sitch for it to have the meaning you want.
Originally Posted by Indy470
I love her and respect her enough to give her time and space to figure that out without me pursuing her.
Oh man... I'm sorry if I gave that assumption when I said time. What I meant was giving time to you changing the dance. There is no guarantee that if you start taking care of YOU first - that your W will come back. In fact - she could think you were a selfish pr!ck for doing it.
Can you be okay with that? Can you work on being the best dance partner and accept that it may mean losing your current partner?
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
LH, From what I can tell you're a good guy. I'm really sorry to hear that about your daughter. Honestly I'm sorry that you've been through this too. It [censored]. A lot. I dont know when that point is I just know its not yet. I'm just not ready to give up on her or throw in the towel. My wife has done some things that have hurt, but I believe shes a good person. Shes shown me that for so many years. Good people make mistakes. I know how you feel on the vows LH, but they mean quite a bit to me. I promised her I would stick by her side and I really meant it. I get the advice on here but I love her and IMO shes worth it. She's worth the wait and the rough times.
Over,
Thank you, No I haven't pursued her at all. Her family knows and they are not happy. Our families have known each other for years and are really close. They dont understand any of this. I haven't talked to them about the sitch but they tell me they are praying for me and her to come back together and cant believe this is happening. I know I need to go slow and I'm keeping my expectations at bay. As in none. Im gonna stay positive and continue to give her space. I appreciate the support over.
Just throwing this in here. This is from your very first post and seems fairly similar to what happened again recently...
"I have been in my own place for three weeks and have seen her once. When I saw her she was crying and told me she didn't know what to do. She told me said ILY and i said it back."
Last edited by Mumin; 09/16/2007:26 PM.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
I promised her I would stick by her side and I really meant it. I get the advice on here but I love her and IMO shes worth it. She's worth the wait and the rough times.
Look Indy I get it. A Young McDreamy in the 80s movie "Can't Buy Me Love" is going to trump the guy on the internet every time. Who doesn't love a good Hollywood ending after all. If I can just prove to her how much I love her she will finally see the light. (puke) lol. I wish it worked that way. If it did you would see the nice guys with all the supermodels.
Seriously though if you want to see good DBing watch "Sweet Home Alabama". He bettered himself by starting that new business and SEVEN years later his W finally saw the light.
So on the vows note I am just curious as to what her vows were? Any out clauses or possible things open to interpretation?
