------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
I am spending the weekend with friends at the beach and I really needed something like that after the sh@t week and my mistakes over the last couple of days. I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do and how I want to face the upcoming months. I dont want to file, I still believe in our M and family and if W ever agreed I would fulfill my role as her H.
At the same time for me as long as we are S this is not an open M. I know I cannot control her, I know I need to let her go and build a life for myself to be happy with my circumstances and children. Is there a point in trying to clarify this with W? I feel like doing nothing in terms of my M, maybe it is time to look at me and how to make me happy again. I know what the question is now, I can only decide for me. Am I willing to stand longer knowing she is pursuing other men? Well she has not clarified but assuming it is true and as long as there is not an A going on, I can endure, I can focus on me and go on.
Time to dig myself out and refocus. Thank you all for your help, this situation os hurting beyond any explanation O can give, but I know here you can understand the panic and pain.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
Hope things are going well! Today is W's birthday and I am forcing myself to go through this day as if I did not know.
I have been thinking a lot at my mistakes in this S and what I want to do next. As of today, I only have something clear in my head. My M is worth fighting for and I still have many issues to work on.
We exchanged the kids yesterday, she took the opportunity before leaving to say a couple of things referring to my most unfortunate message. Her words were: "I dont think we can ever save this M and I do not care what you say or think about me. You can believe whatever you want about me. I still want a D, I have been telling you I want a D for the past 13 months. I will have to ask you for a D or otherwise you will never change."
I told her that was a very unfortunate message, I was not proud of it and I thought there was value in our family and that she was the best thing that ever has happened to me. I took the kids and went to my parent's to have dinner.
She was looking amazing yesterday, I dont know where she was off to, I dont care, but she was very attractive in her new clothes. I have the kids this week, the little one is in nursery already and the older is sleeping as I write here. I am feeling very discouraged lately because with a cold mind I see it has been 13 months and I have never received a sign of doubt or positive reinforcement from W. She is indeed done with me and all I think is that the problems we had are easily solvable. I know now I still have strength to endure and fight for my M, only doing this means nothing about W. I have many problems still, thank you all for helping me see this and refocus myself on calming down and becoming the man I want to be, even when W keeps talking about me not changing and D being in our future.
I will keep posting my feelings here. Do you guys think it would be ok to offer W to spend some time with the kids today given it is her bday?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
Yes let her spend time with the kids on her birthday.
Resist the impulse to clarify things for her. Things like telling her you are not proud, and that she is the best thing that ever happened to you... stop saying those things. She hears “pressure pressure control control pressure"
Your last post is all about her. Focus on yourself and your kids.
You are very attached to R. You gotta let go of your death grip on the hope rope.
Thanks for your post. Let's see if I can put my feelings here. When I saw her she confronted what I told her about an open M in the sense of insinuating I was lying and then she went on to speak about how she wanted and had always from the beginning wanted a D. Then she went on to say if you want a D we just do it, I actually asked you for it already.
For me an open M is a deal breaker as I said but I am such a weak person in front of her I dont know how to bring it up. Could I get some help from the board? I want this clarified, for me is not fair to be treated in this way, I would not do it to anyone and I cannot stand someone doing this to me. Again I have only heard a rumor but it is killing me inside.
Thanks a lot for your help, yes I will focus on me and the kids.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
Why does she keep telling you, for 13 months, that she wants a divorce? Can she not file herself?
She is detaching from you and GAL and dressing well and that is what you should be doing as it obviously works.
If your W wanted the kids for her bday aaashe would have asked IMO.
As far as an open marriage, you can only control whether you stay in the marriage or not. You can't control what she does. Figure out what you want to do.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
For me an open M is a deal breaker as I said but I am such a weak person in front of her I dont know how to bring it up. Could I get some help from the board? I want this clarified, for me is not fair to be treated in this way, I would not do it to anyone and I cannot stand someone doing this to me. Again I have only heard a rumor but it is killing me inside.
Pack. You keep asking for help on this board but are you actually listening to the advice?
You have already told her MULTIPLE times that it's not fair. You keep trying to clarify. She gets it - it doesn't change anything for HER.
So knowing that - what can YOU do for YOU? If an open marriage is truly a deal breaker for YOU - then initiate the divorce. Not as some tactic or some way to prove something to her (which IMHO would be your reasoning behind actually initiating it).
If you don't want to be treated a certain way... then stop it. You have all the power here. Not over her but your own life. Do you see that??
STOP looking to your w for the answers. STOP holding her responsible for your feelings and your life. The sooner you can switch your focus from her to you - the better you will be.
M(f): 40 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
I told her that was a very unfortunate message, I was not proud of it and I thought there was value in our family and that she was the best thing that ever has happened to me.
This behavior is repeated over & over again. The words may change a little from time to time, but the message you put out there is the same.
This action is self-defeating, b/c you pursue a wife who no longer wants you. You continue the same behavior and expect different results.
Quote
I am feeling very discouraged lately because with a cold mind I see it has been 13 months and I have never received a sign of doubt or positive reinforcement from W. She is indeed done with me and all I think is that the problems we had are easily solvable.
In your opinion the problems are easily solvable. She does not agree with your opinion. You have tried to make her see your way is the correct way. She does not agree. She has the freedom to feel whatever she wants. The more you try to verbally convince her you are correct, the more you are defeated.
You see the separation as not being an open MR. Apparently, she does not agree. You say you will endure. What does that mean? You say every morning you recommit to your M. You say you believe in your M, and that you stand for your M. That is your personal decision, however, you cannot force it upon her.
Getting the results you desire doesn't depend on how much you love your W. It doesn't depend on how strong you are committed to your vows or stand for your M. None of that was ever the issue in your W's decision to leave you. If being given another chance was left up to you...........then these would be of great importance. However, being given another chance is not up to you. It's up to the one who left. It is her decision, and you are not going to change her mind by telling her how you feel. Currently, it makes no difference to her how much you value the M. The more you try to try to talk her into changing her viewpoint, the more she resents you.
You don't want to file for D? Fine, then don't file. However, stop sharing YOUR feelings and YOUR viewpoints about the M with your estranged W. It only adds coal to her fire of resentment.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Why does she keep telling you, for 13 months, that she wants a divorce? Can she not file herself?
She is detaching from you and GAL and dressing well and that is what you should be doing as it obviously works.
If your W wanted the kids for her bday aaashe would have asked IMO.
As far as an open marriage, you can only control whether you stay in the marriage or not. You can't control what she does. Figure out what you want to do.
I have no idea, is like she wants to push me to do it. I dont want to know what is going through her head. I did send her an email saying she could have the kids any time but there was no reply. I took the kids to the pool and we had an amazing afternoon, then I picked up takeaway food and had dinner at home. Before going to sleep I had S6 send her happy birthday audio and I read him a bunch of stories. I was playing with him until he was so tired he ended up snoring next to me. I have not received any reply to either my mail so yes I assume she did not want them.
Hey! I am also dressing well and going out as much as possible when not with the kids, I guess the difference is that I am still attracted to her and she is not attracted to me so she does not care how I do or do not look. ( I also get comments from outside on how good I look so don think because I am emotionally a wreck I am not GAL with friends! :))
I dont want to control her, I want to clarify. Not only is it unfair to do something like that according to my own values that she reacts to the topic in 3 possible ways. She either avoids it, tells me I am jealous and have a problem or gets defensive and tells me I can think whatever I want. Again, I dont want to control her, I dont want to send a message. I will not remain married to a person who thinks is free to do whatever she wants, but I would like to have an adult conversation about this before going for something I see so devastating as D. I am not trying to ask you what to do, which reasons to use to file or why to stand. I genuinely wanted to ask if someone has experience on bringing up this topic in a mature way, I am not going to file based on a rumor.
I hope I could clarify this.
Thank you all
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
For me an open M is a deal breaker as I said but I am such a weak person in front of her I dont know how to bring it up. Could I get some help from the board? I want this clarified, for me is not fair to be treated in this way, I would not do it to anyone and I cannot stand someone doing this to me. Again I have only heard a rumor but it is killing me inside.
Pack. You keep asking for help on this board but are you actually listening to the advice?
You have already told her MULTIPLE times that it's not fair. You keep trying to clarify. She gets it - it doesn't change anything for HER.
So knowing that - what can YOU do for YOU? If an open marriage is truly a deal breaker for YOU - then initiate the divorce. Not as some tactic or some way to prove something to her (which IMHO would be your reasoning behind actually initiating it).
If you don't want to be treated a certain way... then stop it. You have all the power here. Not over her but your own life. Do you see that??
STOP looking to your w for the answers. STOP holding her responsible for your feelings and your life. The sooner you can switch your focus from her to you - the better you will be.
Hi Valeska, thanks for your comment.
It would not be a tactic or way to tell her anything, I really dont want to be in a S thinking not all is said when the other person is doing that. It is a way to control my situation. It just blows my mind how obscure she is about this, she will not talk to me if it is not the kids and then she will despise me if I make any questions on the subject as if I was making up everything.
Sorry I feel like I am being stubborn here, it's just that I cannot take the D step without confirmation, that is just not me and that is not how I see our M. I dont want to force my opinions on her, I dont want to control her, I want to make an informed decision and I feel like I cannot do as of now.
I want to take that control back in my life and happiness. When I think about my situation, there are many things I can do with friends and family but I am still stuck in between the house in Germany I need to sell and the situation with our Ls and the separation agreement. What I mean is that I feel those as weights in my current situation.
I want to do my thing, focus on my PIES goals and leave her be.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Me 29 W:29 M: 5yrs T:10yrs S:6 yrs S:1 yr BD: "I want a D" 08/09/19 Sep: 10/27/19
