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Re: An Introduction [Re: SJay62] #2903428
09/09/20 07:31 PM
09/09/20 07:31 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
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Dawn70 Offline
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Dawn70  Offline
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Hi, SJay62 and welcome. I wish I had some grand, stellar advice to share with you. Online dating can be intimidating, but if you live in a large area, it may be a good way to just meet some new people. With Covid, things are a little different, but you might think about classes around hobbies that interest you at local colleges or junior colleges (cooking, art, music, photography). I used to live in a town that had a community college and it had a program specifically for those of us in that (ahem) more mature phase of our lives (LOL). I don't know how Covid would affect such things, but it could be worth looking into.

I'm an introvert too so online dating was the easiest way for me to meet people, but sadly, I live in a very rural area, so unless I was willing to travel a decent distance, it was harder to actually meet people face to face.

Anyway, best of luck in your endeavors. It is hard to push out of your comfort zone sometime or get beyond that status quo that you mentioned, but it can definitely be worth it.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: An Introduction [Re: Cadet] #2903453
09/09/20 10:47 PM
09/09/20 10:47 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 9
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SJay62 Offline OP
New Member
SJay62  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 9
To answer your rhetorical question, perhaps I don't belong here. I've noticed that the typical poster starts in the newcomer section and then moves to a section that is befitting of their circumstance. I didn't do that. I'm not having a midlife crisis, I didn't walk away, and I'm divorced and done a long time ago. So I'm starting at what most consider to be the end.

Should my qualifications as a divorcebuster in general be in question or that you suspect me of being an internet troll, I shall give a recap. It goes something like this:

My xh left me for another woman. I did everything humanly possible that I knew at the time to try to fix it. I read 'Divorcebusting' among many other books. I don't know if this website existed back then and if it did, I wasn't aware of it. Anyway, it wasn't in the cards and as painful as it was at the time, I'm thankful it didn't. The last 3 years of our marriage, I had contorted myself into the shape of a pretzel trying to be what he thought he wanted and it wasn't enough. I was majorly depressed and didn't even recognize myself anymore. The first year of therapy was dedicated to untwisting the pretzel. I continued for my own benefit. His departure was a gift and I say that sincerely and without bitterness. That revelation didn't come to me overnight but gradually over time. So for the record, I'm not someone who packed up and walked away (not that I'm judging anyone who has)

I'm not 100% sure why I'm here but I think bttrfly summed it up rather nicely. I suppose I chose this site because being divorced presents challenges that only another divorced person can understand. I might be wrong. Or is that just your idea of a warm, fuzzy welcome? 😉

Re: An Introduction [Re: SJay62] #2903462
09/10/20 12:21 AM
09/10/20 12:21 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
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kml Online
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kml  Online
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
Oh girl, you totally belong here!

Now my questions for you are:
Why do you think you've waited this long to consider dating? Was your marriage so awful that it scarred you for 20 years? Is your natural introvert just so happy alone that you didn't want to risk the intrusion? Is sex just not that important to you? (Not a judgment, people are all across the spectrum, but for many people, a desire to resume a sex life would have propelled them into the dating pool sooner than 20 years.)

Is it a desire to be with a man that is driving you, or just a concern that you won't have anyone to care for you in your old age? It's a legitimate concern, that last, but one that a man may or may not fill. Unless you date someone younger, odds are that you will end up caring for him. Even if he IS younger - my boyfriend is 4 years younger but has stage 4 lung cancer. I expect any care I need when I'm elderly will come from my kids or friends, not from a guy, unless I date someone much younger.

I do get the bit about missing male energy in your life. Like I said before, that doesn't HAVE to take the form of a long-term monogamous relationship unless that's what you're looking for. It's also possible to have a long term monogamous relationship that doesn't involve living together.

My best friend was married to someone similar to herself, both introverted artists. She loved the way they could be in different rooms, doing their work, for hours at a time and not feel crowded by the other, or go off for months at a time touring and then come back together. I think, in addition to the grief of his death several years ago, she also is hesitant to date because she is afraid someone new might demand too much of her time and attention.

Sounds like you did the work to heal from your marriage a long time ago, so I guess what I'm getting at is, what do you REALLY think is the reason you've waited so long? And what do you really want out of a romantic partner at this point in your life?

Re: An Introduction [Re: SJay62] #2903466
09/10/20 12:42 AM
09/10/20 12:42 AM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
welcome. have a nice refreshing soft drink and a smile. it's ok to ask these questions. keep posting xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: An Introduction [Re: SJay62] #2903471
09/10/20 01:05 AM
09/10/20 01:05 AM
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,834
Midwest
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DonH Offline
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DonH  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 1,834
Midwest
Let me add to the list of those saying you most certainly belong here. Iíve been Dd now for coming up on 14 years. In great part that time has flown by. Iíve dated here and there, had 3 or 4 Rs at least what most would consider Rs although not to the level as some before including my M. Iíve ran across more people like yourself than Iím betting youíd ever think. I can name a half dozen ladies who have not had a boyfriend or partner or whatever you want to call it in many, many years. One I asked out, Iím pretty sure 6 years ago now. She declined saying she was going through a big struggle with her adult son and a potentially deadly addiction. Heís fine thatís long passed and I am pretty sure sheís not dated anyone since. Iíve since clearly determined her and I were not a match so it would not have gone anywhere anyhow. Not sure why sheís where she is but clearly doesnít seem to want or need a guy. Iím much the same - not needing a GF. You may be too. There are things I miss and while Iím sure Iíd be happier in some ways I also know Iíd be less happy in others. On balance I thunk itís a net gain - unless I am lucky enough to find the right fit. If I could find a travel partner that wanted to spend a few weekend a month together it would be perfect. Iím told they are out there but have found none. Anyhow, while there are not many people left here, you may find some good input. Hope you will stay as you are a perfect fit - at least on the life after D section.


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: An Introduction [Re: bttrfly] #2903478
09/10/20 03:03 AM
09/10/20 03:03 AM
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 227
Midwest
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harvey Offline
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harvey  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 227
Midwest
Originally Posted by bttrfly
As someone who came to this part of the boards with trepidation and a sense that it was time to move forward, had I received posts asking me why then I was here I would have certainly left and not come back, as however well-intentioned those posts were they would have made me feel most unwelcome.

Just. Saying.

Perhaps SJay62 is here to explore and put her thoughts out there to better come to an understanding of where she wants to go from here.


I didn't take anyone's post as saying SJay shouldn't post here, so I'm not sure where this is coming from. I took Cadet's question as an introspective question. What drove SJay to post here? What is she missing?

Re: An Introduction [Re: harvey] #2903487
09/10/20 12:32 PM
09/10/20 12:32 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2015
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Massachusetts
Originally Posted by harvey
Originally Posted by bttrfly
As someone who came to this part of the boards with trepidation and a sense that it was time to move forward, had I received posts asking me why then I was here I would have certainly left and not come back, as however well-intentioned those posts were they would have made me feel most unwelcome.

Just. Saying.

Perhaps SJay62 is here to explore and put her thoughts out there to better come to an understanding of where she wants to go from here.


I didn't take anyone's post as saying SJay shouldn't post here, so I'm not sure where this is coming from. I took Cadet's question as an introspective question. What drove SJay to post here? What is she missing?



My point is that when someone has the courage to post, it's helpful to begin by extending a welcome rather than posing a question, "why then are you here"

if posted with a welcome, it feels - to me - to be more introspective. Without the welcome, it feels more interrogatory. I hope that clarifies. It takes a lot of courage to post.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: An Introduction [Re: SJay62] #2903519
09/10/20 11:08 PM
09/10/20 11:08 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 9
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SJay62 Offline OP
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SJay62  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 9
Thanks for the welcomes and reassurances all. I wasn't sure about posting here at all and although I have friends, I just don't feel comfortable discussing this subject with them. For my divorced friends, it's settled. They have no interest in dating. Besides, I like the anonymity of the internet for this type of discussion.

Dawn,

With regard to internet dating, I live in a rural area also. Some of my friends have tried it and they have a saying. "The odds are good, but the goods are odd." I haven't even looked yet but I feel a bit discouraged from the get go.

DonH,

Thanks for your post. It sounds as though we're in similar places. I've established that I don't need a guy but I'm questioning whether or not I want one and on what level.

kml.

Your questions are thought provoking! It helps to put this in writing whether or not you read any further. It's a potpourri of reasons why I've waited so long. Initially, I dated a couple of guys but it was just too soon. (One was eerily similar to my x and I didn't want to circle that block again so I quickly put a lid on it) The other guy had been divorced way longer than I and was looking to get married again. I knew I didn't want that (at Ieast, not on his timetable) I decided it was time to just take a break .I made up my mind to choose to be happy or at the very least, content with my life regardless of ever having a romantic partner again. I discovered how much I enjoy my alone time and not having to be accountable to anyone. I immersed myself in getting a life and I enjoyed it so much I just really didn't have the interest or the time to devote to dating anyone.

I'm sort of an extroverted introvert. I can conduct myself well in social situations but often feel the need to pull back afterward to recharge my batteries or risk losing my mind. (LoL)

Regarding sex, I don't have much desire unless I'm in love. I suppose I'm old fashioned and out of date but I've never been able to separate the two. That feeling has probably intensified since menopause.

Your bf is blessed to have you in his life and you're very kindhearted to do what you've done and continue to do for him.

bttrfly,

Thanks for your warm welcome. If I knew for certain what I wanted, I probably wouldn't be here. I'm hoping it will become clearer as time goes by.

Re: An Introduction [Re: SJay62] #2903522
09/10/20 11:20 PM
09/10/20 11:20 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
K
kml Online
Member
kml  Online
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
Well, you just told me all the reasons why you don't really want to date. How about the reasons why you would?

Re: An Introduction [Re: SJay62] #2903525
09/10/20 11:54 PM
09/10/20 11:54 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 9
S
SJay62 Offline OP
New Member
SJay62  Offline OP
New Member
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Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 9
Perhaps it's a case of FOMO or at least a sense that I'm missing out. An unsettling feeling that I have unfinished business in that department. I'd didn't succeed the first time so I'd like to try, try again.

It would be nice to have a partner to share in the good times and have my back during the rough times. Friends do this but not in the same way a romantic partner does.

I actually have something to bring to the table now and I'd like to share it with a right person. I didn't always, I was empty looking to another empty person to fill me up.

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