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An Introduction #2903193
09/06/20 02:59 AM
09/06/20 02:59 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 9
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SJay62 Offline OP
New Member
SJay62  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 9
Hello all! After lurking here for a couple of weeks, I decided to post in this section. A look at 'newcomers' brought back the horror of 20 years ago. Yes, you read that correctly. I've been divorced for 20 years which is longer than I was married (12 years). I'm looking for some advice or thoughts about dating again.

Other than a handful of dates in the couple of years immediately following my divorce, I chose not to date. I had a lot of healing to do stemming from some childhood issues and the damage done from a bad marriage. Weeks turned in to months and months turned into years, I just got really comfortable with living life on my own terms. Probably too comfortable. I'm introverted and can spend large amounts of time by myself and actually enjoy it.

Life during a pandemic has caused me to reevaluate my choices. I'm not looking to get married again but I do miss male companionship and point of view. I'm in my late 50's and in good health but I have no idea where to start anymore.

Any thoughts or suggestions?

Re: An Introduction [Re: SJay62] #2903202
09/06/20 01:48 PM
09/06/20 01:48 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,227
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,227
NY
Well have you read DB or DR,
I say DB101 start with a beginners mind.


You need to learn the basics so as not to repeat history


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: An Introduction [Re: SJay62] #2903263
09/07/20 10:26 PM
09/07/20 10:26 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 9
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SJay62 Offline OP
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SJay62  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 9
I've read Divorcebusting as well as many other books dedicated to saving marriages. I committed 3 years of my life to weekly therapy sessions to gain insight into my own contributions to the problems in the marriage. But I've yet to test the waters and apply what I've learned.

Maybe I'm better off sticking with the status quo.

Re: An Introduction [Re: SJay62] #2903264
09/07/20 10:34 PM
09/07/20 10:34 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,227
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,227
NY
Originally Posted by SJay62


Maybe I'm better off sticking with the status quo.



Why do you say that?


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: An Introduction [Re: SJay62] #2903268
09/07/20 11:50 PM
09/07/20 11:50 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,886
Right where I need to be
F
Fogg Offline
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Fogg  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,886
Right where I need to be
Hello SJay! I know the idea of getting back out there after being on your own for so long is challenging. Iím a introvert also and spent the last 6 years basically single. I would dip my toes in here and there but nothing ever got past a couple dates. I got very comfortable being single and independent, but miss that companionship also. Thereís several online dating apps you could try for free (bumble, coffee meets bagel) or even some paid sites. Unfortunately with Covid going on and being an introvert, meeting someone online makes the most sense. Iíd ask any friends or even family you have to help look into it and see their experiences. Youíll just need to jump into it and start chatting with people, then you can get a feel if theyíre worth getting to know more. I know the status quo feels comfortable, but you posted the thoughts for a reason, so itís something you still want. Donít let the fear of the unknown stop you from exploring things further.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: An Introduction [Re: Cadet] #2903350
09/09/20 12:32 AM
09/09/20 12:32 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 9
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SJay62 Offline OP
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SJay62  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 9
Originally Posted by Cadet
Originally Posted by SJay62


Maybe I'm better off sticking with the status quo.



Why do you say that?


Things are pretty good just the way they are. I have a job I enjoy, a paid-for home, and some money in the bank. I have a group of like minded independent females for social support. Sometimes I wonder if it could be better yet.

Re: An Introduction [Re: Fogg] #2903351
09/09/20 12:49 AM
09/09/20 12:49 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 9
S
SJay62 Offline OP
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SJay62  Offline OP
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Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 9
Thank you for the thoughtful reply. It is a challenge to get back out there, especially after a 20 year gap. It seems that many people cannot imagine remaining single and not dating for that long. It feels like that lengthy gap between jobs on a resume that needs explaining during an interview,

It's nice to hear from a fellow introvert. I meet a fair amount of extroverts who are unable to grasp the concept of alone time. For me, it's a necessity.

Another issue I've encountered is that due to the length of time since my divorce and actively working on myself, I've made peace with my divorce. I meet people in various stages of having an axe to grind with their ex. I understand because it's part of the process but I don't want to be used for a grindstone, if that makes sense.

I appreciate you input, I may try the dating apps!

Re: An Introduction [Re: SJay62] #2903366
09/09/20 12:05 PM
09/09/20 12:05 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,227
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

Member
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,227
NY
Originally Posted by SJay62
Originally Posted by Cadet
Originally Posted by SJay62


Maybe I'm better off sticking with the status quo.



Why do you say that?


Things are pretty good just the way they
are. I have a job I enjoy, a paid-for home, and some money in the bank. I have a group of like minded independent females for social support. Sometimes I wonder if it could be better yet.


I agree with Fogg why did you post here then?

That is not something I need an answer to but it is something YOU need an answer to.


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: An Introduction [Re: SJay62] #2903396
09/09/20 03:46 PM
09/09/20 03:46 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
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kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
There are plenty of Love Avoidant type guys out there who would be perfectly happy with a woman who they only saw on the occasional weekend - I've dated a few post my divorce! That might suit you better than a full-fledged relationship.

I didn't really understand those guys early in my dating experience. However now I'm (reluctantly) living with a boyfriend (he was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer 3 months after we met, and had been laid off right before - I knew his finances wouldn't cover both rent and medical expenses so offered him to move in with me). It's convinced me that after he's gone (who knows when that will be, I only expected him to live 6 months but he's still here 2 years later and doing fairly well, so he may have a couple more good years in him) I would be perfectly happy with one of those Love Avoidant types for the occasional weekend but plenty of time otherwise to do my thing in my life.

Re: An Introduction [Re: SJay62] #2903415
09/09/20 06:17 PM
09/09/20 06:17 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
As someone who came to this part of the boards with trepidation and a sense that it was time to move forward, had I received posts asking me why then I was here I would have certainly left and not come back, as however well-intentioned those posts were they would have made me feel most unwelcome.

Just. Saying.

Perhaps SJay62 is here to explore and put her thoughts out there to better come to an understanding of where she wants to go from here.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
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