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#2903024 09/02/20 11:55 PM
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I had a thead- what happened- but I am not a forum gal. I don't get it so here is the situation

My H of 37 years was " lost and disconnected " I have for a long time, had depression issues. He joined a recreational club in our new town and apparently made a " friend" that turned into a PA. This went on for about 18 months - and I believed they were friends. they were more than that.
I am committed to being married and he is sorry and has no more contact with her, due to my 'Change' - sex IMO
My Anniversary is in two days, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Card? Gift? 2X 4? HELP

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Originally Posted by BB205
That being said, he left me because I gained weight because of my deep depression. I didn't love my self - therefore he didn't love me. I have lost 45 lbs and I now do CrossFit 3 days a week. I feel better and did a 180 and I am loving myself. I started IC and have requested to him to do MC. we are intimate and feel hopeful we can get through this rough patch. Any suggestions are welcome and I invite positive comments.

Is this a lie that he told you or you told yourself? Either way - It is just cr@p.

Originally Posted by BB205
I am committed to being married and he is sorry and has no more contact with her, due to my 'Change' - sex IMO


I didn't see your responses to other's questions. Did you take an STD test? Why are you having physical intimacy so soon? It's not unusual for betrayed spouses to set a physical boundary for awhile until healing has happened. Much more healing that what I am seeing in your threads.

What boundaries have you established with him??

Originally Posted by BB205
My Anniversary is in two days, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Card? Gift? 2X 4? HELP

Don't initiate anything with him. Let him pursue you. If he wants to do something - feel free to come back on the board and ask our thoughts about it. But IMO - you do nothing. It's gonna feel weird, even wrong, but I am seeing a little bit too much pursuit on your end.

Ending contact is a good first step... but the real work is the reasons behind his choice to go outside the marriage. Anything short of that - is just breadcrumbs and will ultimately not heal the relationship.


M(f): 40
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Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

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M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by BB205

My Anniversary is in two days, and I'm not sure how to handle it. Card? Gift? 2X 4? HELP


Tough to say, you haven't given us much of an update. Where do things stand? Did he have to earn his way back or did you out of fear just let him waltz right back? What are his actions towards the marriage?

Did you insist he get tested for STDs before your "change" IE having sex with him?


M(52), W(53),D(17)
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My 'Change " happened in June 19. Happy, intimate, and ' I thought " all was ok.

Apparently, his affair started in March 19 because he was " lost and unhappy " although it was not apparent to me. I have had depression in the past, but I have overcome the problem and have lost 43 lbs and am GAL since 12/19.

I thought everything was ok after 10/19 but he continued his relationship. his OW came to my holiday home while I was away 2/19. he states that was a big mistake, as he was wanting to end the relationship. I have had testing done ( after BD 6/20) testing 2 weeks ago - and am waiting for the results. He admitted to me his affair 6/10 . He is remorseful and trying to make it work.

We are both committed to making it work. we don't want a divorce....

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Originally Posted by BB205
.We are both committed to making it work. we don't want a divorce....


What does "commitment to making it work" look like to you? To him?


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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I don't know what it means to him, honestly. I want to stay married and have a great relationship
. how do I approach this concept to him? I need help

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Originally Posted by BB205
I don't know what it means to him, honestly. I want to stay married and have a great relationship
. how do I approach this concept to him? I need help


Wants/Goals are fine and a great start... but need to be followed with actions. What are the ACTIONS you are taking that says "I am committed to making this work"?

In the same way - what ACTIONS is your H taking? What ACTIONS does he need to take in order to rebuild that trust that was broken between you?


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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Steve85
We have had s*x almost daily since 11/19. including before and after his "friend" came to my vacation home in Feb when I was away with some Girlfriends. He said she was with another friend, but she ended up in my condo. UGH. Red FLAG!!! but I Trusted him. I don't know what to do. He is so sorry to have hurt me, but I have to question his commitment

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Valeska19. I don't know what actions I need. Him wearing a ring? He does now ~that's new. Talking to me kindly? ~that's new are these actions? I feel he's changed and is kinder to me... is that ok?

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