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KitCat Offline OP
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Well this week has been rough.................... just feel the weight of bricks piled on top of me.

I did allow myself to respond to his "sorry drunk texted you" on Monday afternoon. I will NOT go down that road. That whole "could you bring me X" to the drunk call............ what I respond that I'm angry? He wins. I respond saying I understand? He wins.

My only win is to not respond at all. Which if you now know that I'm ISFJ-T.... I'm hard wired to show an over abundance of kindness. Accepting more than responsibility. Naturally reaching out and making amends would be what I would be doing.

So I struggle doing the opposite. smile

I just keep reminding myself that he does not value me. I'm acting like a low value person. He asks any favor of me in the future there is no thinking about it. Its a hard NO.

So I've got this under control so why do I feel like I've been beaten with a baseball bat and dragged behind a car for 50miles?

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Originally Posted by KitCat
Well this week has been rough.................... just feel the weight of bricks piled on top of me.

I did allow myself to respond to his "sorry drunk texted you" on Monday afternoon. I will NOT go down that road. That whole "could you bring me X" to the drunk call............ what I respond that I'm angry? He wins. I respond saying I understand? He wins.

My only win is to not respond at all. Which if you now know that I'm ISFJ-T.... I'm hard wired to show an over abundance of kindness. Accepting more than responsibility. Naturally reaching out and making amends would be what I would be doing.


Remember the movie War Games? In the end Joshua learns that the only way to win the game (tic-tac-toe and thermal nuclear war) is to not play at all. This is what you've learned!

Originally Posted by KitCat

So I struggle doing the opposite. smile


We all do at first. For me the only question is why you still struggle this far along in your sitch? ISFJ-T is only part of it. But I refuse to let 4 or 5 letters define who I am! When it comes to Myers-Briggs and things like it, no one is that perfectly pigeon-holed. There are those that are into horoscopes (I prefer to call them horrorscopes). The problem with things like that is that people read them and allow it to inform their actions. Instead of doing what they should or know is right, regardless of what "category" they fit in.

So why is doing the best thing for your sitch still a struggle for you? Have you considered deep-diving that to understand why?

Originally Posted by KitCat

I just keep reminding myself that he does not value me. I'm acting like a low value person. He asks any favor of me in the future there is no thinking about it. Its a hard NO.


I would prefer that last line be "Its a hard IGNORE." As others have said, this guy is a piece of work. I think you are seeing his true nature come out. The man you thought you knew was an illusion. This is a truth you have to face. The man he is now is his true self. And it isn't a very attractive self at that.

Originally Posted by KitCat

So I've got this under control so why do I feel like I've been beaten with a baseball bat and dragged behind a car for 50miles?


PTSD. I've said it a dozen times in your threads if I've said it once.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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KitCat Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Steve85


Originally Posted by KitCat

So I struggle doing the opposite. smile


We all do at first. For me the only question is why you still struggle this far along in your sitch? ISFJ-T is only part of it. But I refuse to let 4 or 5 letters define who I am! When it comes to Myers-Briggs and things like it, no one is that perfectly pigeon-holed. There are those that are into horoscopes (I prefer to call them horrorscopes). The problem with things like that is that people read them and allow it to inform their actions. Instead of doing what they should or know is right, regardless of what "category" they fit in.

So why is doing the best thing for your sitch still a struggle for you? Have you considered deep-diving that to understand why?



I'm the girl you went to school with that was always full of hope and never gave up - regardless of circumstance. The forever optimist. Someone who saw something of value in everyone. Who beat the odds in getting into the professional school in 2yr instead of 4yr. Obstacles are to be overcome with a positive mindsets.

I can't give up hope.

I can't seem to medicate it out of me either.

Hope is keeping me stuck in wanting to save my M.

I need someone to beat the hope out of me smile

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Ok I will try. The chances of you saving your marriage by your 1 year deadline is about .000000000001%

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I will be honest that I haven't read your sitch but this stuck out to me.

Originally Posted by KitCat
[quote=Steve85]
I'm the girl you went to school with that was always full of hope and never gave up - regardless of circumstance. The forever optimist. Someone who saw something of value in everyone. Who beat the odds in getting into the professional school in 2yr instead of 4yr. Obstacles are to be overcome with a positive mindsets.

I can't give up hope.

I can't seem to medicate it out of me either.

Hope is keeping me stuck in wanting to save my M.

I need someone to beat the hope out of me smile




Old thought: Someone who saw something of value in everyone.
New thought: I see things in myself that is valuable

Old Thought: I can't give up hope.
New Thought: I can have hope that I will be the be okay and will never give up on myself. On my needs, my wants, etc.

Perhaps you were always taught to "Keep trying" or that your self worth was wrapped up in the works that you do. Things to maybe explore in IC.


M(f): 40
D'ed: 8/12

Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.

Love at all costs because you are loved well.
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KitCat Offline OP
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So I took some initiative... reached out to an old high school friend who I haven't seen for a couple of years but maintain updates through FB.

I suggested meeting up with him and his wife next Friday as I will make plans to be in their city (about 1 1/2hr away).

He was super excited that I would suggest that ---- so next Friday it is!

He and his wife live near a bar I fell in love with in this town. They will have their fall drink menu out and I'm super excited. To be honest its a bar that my H and I went to during our anniversary trip last Oct. I'm really just excited to be able to go back and create some new memories there. I realize this could be a risky thing???

Anyway, soooo outside my norm to reach out to someone who I'm not particularly close to and suggest a get together so gooooo meeee!!!!

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Nice job KC!!


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
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Sooooo.... tomorrow is the day.

I have not seen H in over 3months. Tomorrow morning he will be here to do the final financial run down... very meh at seeing him. IDK... weird like I want to see him so much and at the same time I really don't... that's a very weird feeling to sit with.

Of course I've got a killer day planned.... I will be getting my mammogram at 7:30am.... then meeting my H... my mom is bringing over lunch... then eye doc to get my new lenses so these old lady eyes can see ya better... then a nice long drive and a 3mile hike with my dog!!!

But, then on Friday its a trip up north meeting old high school friends for cocktails! Then Saturday my male bff who I just got back from sailing will be in my town for a quick family trip... dinner at our famous local pizza joint. smile

I won't lie... not one bit... as much as I'm filling my life with other stuff I still have big chunks of the day where I just miss my H. I tell myself I've given him time and space. I've done some really hard work on myself both inside and out. Isn't there even a tiny part of him that misses some tiny part of me??? <<< I know I'm not supposed to say this stuff, but I'm keeping it real. I still hope my H will want to take another look at the M,

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Originally Posted by Steve85
Originally Posted by KitCat
Well this week has been rough.................... just feel the weight of bricks piled on top of me.

I did allow myself to respond to his "sorry drunk texted you" on Monday afternoon. I will NOT go down that road. That whole "could you bring me X" to the drunk call............ what I respond that I'm angry? He wins. I respond saying I understand? He wins.

My only win is to not respond at all. Which if you now know that I'm ISFJ-T.... I'm hard wired to show an over abundance of kindness. Accepting more than responsibility. Naturally reaching out and making amends would be what I would be doing.


Remember the movie War Games? In the end Joshua learns that the only way to win the game (tic-tac-toe and thermal nuclear war) is to not play at all. This is what you've learned!

Originally Posted by KitCat

So I struggle doing the opposite. smile


We all do at first. For me the only question is why you still struggle this far along in your sitch? ISFJ-T is only part of it. But I refuse to let 4 or 5 letters define who I am! When it comes to Myers-Briggs and things like it, no one is that perfectly pigeon-holed. There are those that are into horoscopes (I prefer to call them horrorscopes). The problem with things like that is that people read them and allow it to inform their actions. Instead of doing what they should or know is right, regardless of what "category" they fit in.

So why is doing the best thing for your sitch still a struggle for you? Have you considered deep-diving that to understand why?

Originally Posted by KitCat

I just keep reminding myself that he does not value me. I'm acting like a low value person. He asks any favor of me in the future there is no thinking about it. Its a hard NO.


I would prefer that last line be "Its a hard IGNORE." As others have said, this guy is a piece of work. I think you are seeing his true nature come out. The man you thought you knew was an illusion. This is a truth you have to face. The man he is now is his true self. And it isn't a very attractive self at that.

Originally Posted by KitCat

So I've got this under control so why do I feel like I've been beaten with a baseball bat and dragged behind a car for 50miles?


PTSD. I've said it a dozen times in your threads if I've said it once.


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Ah, yes... then there is Steve keeping it real for me!

So... today was a good day. '

Knocked out the mammogram first thing.

Then H showed up and what should have took an hour went into 2hr. He was cold when he arrived but it didn't phase me. I'm sure he also had some anxiety about seeing me for the first time in over 3 months. He sort of small talked but I grabbed out papers and tried to get to work.

However, in my papers I had also mixed in accidentally info and adds on tear drop trailers... well H's eyes lit up. OH, you gonna buy a trailer? I said I was looking into it if I can find one within my budget and its something I can pull with my SUV. Well that opened up the flood gates ---- he starts talking this and that about the tent campers he is looking at versus the pop up campers. He did inform me that while I have a hitch/tow ability my SUV is not wired. Oh crud - I did not know that so then it was talking about wiring, etc.

He talked. I really listened.

Got back to financial paperwork. I needed to know if he agreed with the values I had listed. He tried to take a dig and state we had already agreed on values before I went and got an atty. I just said... hmmm.... and went on with the business at hand. Ultimately neither of us understood his pension stuff though I'm pretty sure I've got more of a grasp on it than he does.... and its worth WAY may than the 27k he thinks I'm owed.

It was a little daunting and crazy when you sit and look at the numbers and then cutting everything in half. I mumbled under my breath - it would just be easier to stay married... I really meant it. I was flustered at the situation but NOT at H. H asked what I said so I turned to him and stated this would all just easier if we stayed married and half smiled and half laughed. He stayed radio silent. I was like meh - he could have said something negative and mean such as complaining about me dragging this out and how there is zero hope for this marriage, etc. All the things he said in March. Instead he stayed quiet. I appreciate he didn't take my flustered comment and turn it around to hurt me.

We were both kind. No angry words. We got along well. Even with it came down to it and we couldn't figure out the true value of the pension we both just said the atty can figure it out or can go to forensic accountant if needed. H still hasn't gotten his own atty. I told him I would get all the paperwork to my atty on Friday.

He asked to use the bathroom - ok, no prob but why in the world does he still go the MBR bathroom??? Dude, gonna get real awkward one day when there is another guys stuff in there... lol! I just chalk it up that he is still comfortable in this house... this house that he had come to hate so much... he still doesn't feel like a guest apparently and use the guest bathroom. Just a huge funny observation!

He continued to chat. Nothing about R. Like I said this should have taken an hour and he drug it out to 2.

After he left I got some paperwork done. My mother brought over lunch and visited for awhile. I went to get my new glasses picked up and fitted. Did some shopping. Came home picked up the dog and went to the park in the next town over for a 3mil hike in the woods. Home now and settling in for a zoom session with friends and knitting.

Right now I feel okay with where things are at with H. I'm not panicked or having any anxeity BUT is that because I saw him today? My brain got its fix so its calm? I rationale enough to recognize why I may be so calm right now. The key will be remaining calm when I've had no contact for a week... that's where I need to get to. Where I'm still chill as the other side of the pillow after 7 days of radio silence. Hoping to get there.

Glad to have such a busy day.

Last edited by KitCat; 09/23/20 09:03 PM.
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