I've been able to video call S19 several times this week. He's been doing well but today was tough as some classes has been switched to online and then the internet for the college went out... today was particularly frustrating for him. These kids have been dealt so many obstacles. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day for him.
Leaving town for the weekend heading north to visit female bff --- looking forward to be out of my house.
Sounds fun.. and healthy! I hope you have a great time and it clears your head. I haven't commented much lately, but I' have been following your struggles to stop live interactions and stop listening to your ex about non-business matters. May you have a wonderful weekend.
I hate that I want to text you that I hate being awake at 2am [I know you are up because you are at work]
I hate that yesterday that I woke up twice in the middle of the night and you were in both my dreams.
I hate that I sit here in your lies and deceit in one hand and then memories of some amazing good times with you in the other struggling to make sense of who you are. I miss how close we were and shared everything... I hate that you are having that with someone else... that I don't get that part of you anymore. I think that's what I hate most of all.
Maybe one day I can be indifferent to it but I know today is not that day.
You will be indifferent one day or at least it will take a minimum headspace. This is a process you have to go through and there is no way around it. You're still in the early part of the journey and trust me your H will continue to do things to disappoint you.
If I could give any one piece of advice to a new LBS it would be that after the D bomb is dropped its to grieve the m, work on yourself and move on. Life is too short and there are many adventures and journeys to be had and if they ever changes their minds you can think about it then. Anything else is a waste of energy and time.
(((KC))). I remember the sleepless nights all too well. Keep moving forward. You will sleep better as time goes on and you continue to heal. LH’s advice is spot on. Hard to do but so worth it in the end. (((HUGS)))
(((KC))). I remember the sleepless nights all too well. Keep moving forward. You will sleep better as time goes on and you continue to heal. LH’s advice is spot on. Hard to do but so worth it in the end. (((HUGS)))
I think the issue here is how long KC had continued to struggle. KC you're still on ADs even, right?
This is why I'm not sure you'll ever move forward without some help.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
(((KC))). I remember the sleepless nights all too well. Keep moving forward. You will sleep better as time goes on and you continue to heal. LH’s advice is spot on. Hard to do but so worth it in the end. (((HUGS)))
I think the issue here is how long KC had continued to struggle. KC you're still on ADs even, right?
This is why I'm not sure you'll ever move forward without some help.
Yup still on AD's...
I will state that I have moved forward but moving forward isn't linear. I've had better days and frankly days where I know I haven't thought as much about this or that in regards to my situation.
I went from not sleeping at all... to sleeping much better to this waking up at 3am crap to suddenly now he is invading my dreams... so hopefully this will swing back to sleeping well again.
I've gotten quite lazy with my workouts in the last 3 weeks. Once I get back from Mexico I need to readjust my focus and start getting back on track with that routine. Gosh, I absolutely hate exercise but I always feel amazing when I do.... got to get moving again!
Steve85.. maybe I'm not moving forward at your pace but I do look back and see forward movement. I've accepted it 3 steps forward and 2 back.
Soooo... drove 4hr to be at female bff for the weekend.
Its been awesome but since I'm a morning person these days I'm awake and the rest of the house is quiet. I'll be getting up shortly to start my day but still relaxing a bit in bed. When you work every other weekend its important to pack in some down time on weekends off.
Due to conversations last week in trying to schedule a meet up with H to do documents he knew I was going to be out of town this weekend.
He confirmed that during his "I owe you an apology" call last week. Telling me he was working Saturday and would be less sleep deprived but then suddenly interrupted himself by stating "oh you are going out of town this weekend, right?" I just replied with yes. I never told him my plans and he never asked.
I left early for my weekend, like 6am and while I have H's text on mute my car dinged with notifications.
Friday 10pm H: Do you still work on Tuesday?
Saturday 6:30am H: I will be by then to pick up the water pump and stuff.
Saturday 2pm H: Where do you want me to leave the dog treats for X (my dog)
WTH???
He never texts on the weekends. At most he will text Sunday afternoon or evening but hasn't done that in 3 weeks. Why is he texting me 3 times on a weekend when he knows I'm out of town???
AND, most of you know that I struggled during the days when H was moving out of the house where he would randomly blurt out an offer to take me on a motorbike ride... then 2 weeks later "oh hey, do you need me to make more dog treats?" -- he had taken our commercial dehydrator and since he had that I sent all the liver out of the freezer with him. At the time of the offer he hadn't been aware that he was taking the puppy. And, then there was infamous multiple mentions that H will help move S19 to college.
I did make the mistake with the motorbike offer and contacted him 2 weeks later about it being a nice day... he said he had offered but felt it was too cold that particular day. The next day when he came to get more stuff he commented again about the weather...... I never mentioned it again.
I will admit that a week before moving S19 I did call him out for all his offers to help... It was pointing out how he has just blown off S19... the kid he helped raised for 10yr who internalizes this crap and as much as S19 portrays this H is an ahole mentality I see him break with sadness when I ask if H ever contacted him. S19 is hurt... hurt to the point he is angry.
But since the mistake months ago of mentioning the motorbike ride... I never brought up the dog treats. He took the puppy so he would just make treats for the puppy and not think about me or the other dog.
So this comes out of no where nearly 4 months later?
SIDENOTE - LH, I'm not spinning just completely perplexed. Puzzled. Wondering why..... in stealing some of H's own words "why now?".... LOL. I mean just last Wednesday he was stating I had better have something in writing to him at the end of the week (like in 2 days) in regards to financial agreement.
I'm sure this is all just to keep me off balance... he won't admit to me OW... so this is all keeping me in PLAN B positiion??? Its weird. We have not seen each other in over 3 months.
Well - I'm out of town this weekend. I have NOT responded to a single text.
KC. Glad you are getting some time away. RE: H’s behaviour. Who knows? Not really worth thinking about at this stage... I have to say...and please don’t take this as a criticism...I am a bit worried you are still having sleepless nights after two and a half years. I get the concept of standing for your marriage but detachment is a really important part of that if you want to maintain your sanity. I think that is something you need to really focus on.
Maybe you are a bit stuck because you don’t have any formal agreements in place (just assuming based on your statement about him wanting a financial agreement from you)? Is there a reason you haven’t provided him with the info he needs? I know in my sitch that when my XH presented me with a formal separation agreement for us to work on, it was a really painful event BUT it was also a big step toward detachment and ultimately to where I am at now...happy and no longer wishing things were different. It is a really great place to be KC. You can get there too. (((HUGS)))
