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A Message from Michele
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Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" #2902752
08/27/20 02:53 AM
08/27/20 02:53 AM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 113
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tom_h Offline OP
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tom_h  Offline OP
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Michele's analysis about the "Walkaway Wife Syndrome" fits my situation to a "T". Three days before our 32nd wedding anniversary, with a beautiful home and three well-raised children all at college age or beyond, my wife filed for divorce. Out of the blue.

There had not a peep prior. We had not gone to marriage counseling. She had not once said our marriage was in trouble. There had been tense times, to be sure, and I had undergone some very unique stresses for a few years from my biological family. But there was no significant issue, at least on the surface. I don't drink to excess, don't take drugs, don't gamble, have no addictive behaviors, and didn't womanize. I loved my wife openly and clearly, had long made it a habit of telling the children that "Mom is the love of my life."

She has hardly spoken to me since the filing 11 months ago last September. We have seen each other in person a mere three times. She has refused to talk, which hurts even more, because the "why" still makes me weep. I have a feeling that she is not talking because she doesn't want to take a chance that her will to divorce will weaken. For years she said we didn't communicate very well, yet after suffering in silence for years, she is committing that very same offense -- not talking.

I am a tender-hearted man. I still can't sleep more than 4 hours a night without sleeping pills. I had a heart arrhythmia which turned out to be temporary. I had other symptoms of stress such as extreme nighttime sweats.

We are (were) a Christian couple. The Bible says that marriage is made in heaven and we are commanded to try and make it work. The bible also says that if you are in conflict with another person of faith, and feel you can't communicate with that individual, you must find a third party who will help intercede. She did none of this.

So I'm trying to pick up the pieces. How do you take apart a home that has so many wonderful family memories? How do you subdivide possessions in a house that is the only home our three children even knew? How do you accept what is the ultimate rejection of you -- a woman who looks you in the eye (via an attorney) and says, "after knowing you for 34 years, 32 as your wife, I don't love you anymore and do not want to spend another hour with you"? How do you accept the death sentence administered to your marriage?

If there is any consolation to all of this, it's that Michele says that men in my situation make great second husbands. Because once we got to rock bottom we would do anything to save our marriages and be better men. She also says that marriages in this situation can be turned around if the woman is willing to talk for the first time. Sadly, that is not my situation. So I suppose it will be another woman who will benefit from Tom version 2.0.

Sigh. I would look forward to talking here on the forum with anyone and everyone. Men who are in the same situation. Women who walked away from their husbands. Anyone with a tender heart and a perspective. Thank you.

Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" [Re: tom_h] #2902756
08/27/20 12:13 PM
08/27/20 12:13 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,241
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,241
NY
Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

Yes first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" [Re: Cadet] #2902757
08/27/20 12:14 PM
08/27/20 12:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,241
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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My suggestion is that I should move this thread to newcomers so you will get more responses.

Let me know that you understand this.


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" [Re: Cadet] #2902786
08/27/20 05:18 PM
08/27/20 05:18 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,700
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

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Posts: 27,700
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I agree w/Cadet. You would get more support if this thread was moved to the Newcomers Forum.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" [Re: Cadet] #2903347
09/09/20 12:01 AM
09/09/20 12:01 AM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 113
T
tom_h Offline OP
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tom_h  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Cadet
My suggestion is that I should move this thread to newcomers so you will get more responses.

Let me know that you understand this.


Of course, do whatever you think is best.

And i will begin posting elsewhere, as advised above.

Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" [Re: tom_h] #2903381
09/09/20 02:31 PM
09/09/20 02:31 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,700
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

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Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,700
Southern Maryland
Welcome to the Newcomers Forum!


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" [Re: tom_h] #2903384
09/09/20 02:46 PM
09/09/20 02:46 PM
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 13,241
NY
Cadet Offline

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Cadet  Offline

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Posts: 13,241
NY
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted by Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


Me-66, D33,S32
Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" [Re: tom_h] #2903411
09/09/20 05:54 PM
09/09/20 05:54 PM
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,498
Missouruh
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ovrrnbw Offline
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Missouruh
Hey,

sorry you're here.

Quote
She has hardly spoken to me since the filing 11 months ago last September. We have seen each other in person a mere three times. She has refused to talk, which hurts even more, because the "why" still makes me weep. I have a feeling that she is not talking because she doesn't want to take a chance that her will to divorce will weaken. For years she said we didn't communicate very well, yet after suffering in silence for years, she is committing that very same offense -- not talking.


I would let go of this. It is out of your control which means it should be indifferent to you. Use this type of judgment in all areas of your life.

Quote
We are (were) a Christian couple. The Bible says that marriage is made in heaven and we are commanded to try and make it work. The bible also says that if you are in conflict with another person of faith, and feel you can't communicate with that individual, you must find a third party who will help intercede. She did none of this.


Lots of LBS's turn to religion after BD. It smells of manipulation. People of faith forego third party help every day, outside of marriage even. But again, this is out of your control...

Did she commit to forever and go back on that commitment? Yes. Accept it. Move on and focus on how you can make your life great again.

Quote
So I'm trying to pick up the pieces. How do you take apart a home that has so many wonderful family memories? How do you subdivide possessions in a house that is the only home our three children even knew? How do you accept what is the ultimate rejection of you -- a woman who looks you in the eye (via an attorney) and says, "after knowing you for 34 years, 32 as your wife, I don't love you anymore and do not want to spend another hour with you"? How do you accept the death sentence administered to your marriage?


You do it as a person in control of oneself, with as much dignity and respect as possible. You accept her decision, give her the gift of love and listen to her. You also realize that it is not a death sentence. It can be a ticket to a growth, fun, and freedom - should you decide it.

Why are you unable to sleep, in your opinion?


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" [Re: tom_h] #2903412
09/09/20 05:58 PM
09/09/20 05:58 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
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LH19 Offline
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Tommy,

I am sorry you are here but have come to the right place.

I don't know if you are familiar with the term "Grey Divorce" but the over 50 age group divorces have skyrocketed over the previous decade. It seems many people especially women wait until their children leave the nest and file for divorce.

You like most men think that because you provided, had no affairs or abuse that is a ticket to "happy ever after". They make have worked in our parent's day but is no longer the case anymore. There is so much more to attraction and keeping the relationship alive then most men have a clue about.

We are here to help and answer many questions you might have. My first question to you is as far as you know is there another man involved? Roughly 90% of the time this is the case.

Last edited by LH19; 09/09/20 06:01 PM.

M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith
Re: Walk Away Spouse Fits My Ex-Wife to a "T" [Re: LH19] #2903435
09/09/20 08:44 PM
09/09/20 08:44 PM
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 113
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tom_h Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
We are here to help and answer many questions you might have. My first question to you is as far as you know is there another man involved? Roughly 90% of the time this is the case.


I can't be certain but it appears there was no other man involved, at least up front. My ex is very traditional, an affair to her would have been a huge stretch; had I had an affair she would have filed for divorce, whether after 1 year or 32. And, while she refused to talk with me, she did send messages through two friends, during that first 60 days, that there was no other man.

However, it would not surprise me if -- during her decision process to divorce me without warning -- she had met a man who caught her fancy, and perhaps charmed her without either a date. This would have convinced her that life could be better if she left me, she perhaps could find a Prince Charming.

It's been nearly a year, it would not surprise me if she was already dating now, though. She is an attractive 60-year old who looks much younger than her years and is still slender. She will have read all the advice that recommends moving on and distracting yourself with new adventures and new relationships.

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