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What the AF??!!?? #2902747
08/27/20 01:32 AM
08/27/20 01:32 AM
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Previous Thread:

not where I thought I would be

Is all I can say these days. Nothing surprises me anymore.

I couldnít sleep last night I was so uncomfortable. I called out of work today. Then I looked in the mirror and the whole left wife of my face was covered in a swollen rash and my tongue was numb. I was more swollen in my abdomen. My arms are covered. I look hideous.

So I ran some errands woth D12 for her party and brought myself over to my place of work. In the ER. The PA I almost smacked. He told me there is nothing he could really do and went on how he didnít want to load me with steroid and said I am having just an absolutely awful reaction and Iíll probably be miserable for 2 more weeks. I literally began to cry. After every treatment known to man. Itís getting worse not better. He did end up giving me IV steroid and another oral steroid prescription. My nurses were wonderful kind and compassionate . Everyone looks at my arms and face and are like omg, thatís awful. But then they see my stomach and pretty much whole right side ( and itís even in my bellybutton) and they canít believe what they see.

Simple things always happen to me to the extreme. Since I was a kid. Itís seriously unbelievable sometimes. I just cry most of the day. I feel Ike Iím being tortured

I decided to hire some local high school boys to mow my lawn and get rid of these weeks, because I canít do it physically right now. Well, they didnít do the weeds ( where the poison ivy was ) so I went out and did it all myself tonight. My ex came over to drop off something for the party and saw me doing it and was like ďare you nuts?!?Ē We actually seemed to have some real compassion for me ( I did show him my stiomach) and heís never been one for compassion. He did laugh, because he is aware of my awful luck too.

So, I think Iím getting there for this party. It means so much to her. Iíve spent a lot of money so far to make this happen, and lottery put sweat and tears into it. I hope she and her friends have a great time. I wonít be sleeping Friday night. Iíll have kids attempting to sleep in a tent in the yard. Not sure how thatís going to go! N the only bathroom in my house is across from my bedroom. Iíll sleep when they leave on Saturday. Itís her dads birthday Saturday so he will come get her for the rest of the weekend. I got him a little more costly gift off of his amazon list since heís been helping me. From D12 of course

In the realm of good news...... beginning in November it was approved to work from home for 2 hours in the morning 4 weekend days a month to make
Up for my extra in person day. So 2 in person days a month instead of 3 with these extra hours. I can handle that. So I will keep my second job for a while. My social life is lacking anyways

My dad also came into some money in the stock market and wants to redo my kitchen. I need new counters and floors. The job will be between 4-5k but they want to pay. You know I am
On taking monetary gifts from my father, but he really wants to do it. And all the work Iíve been putting into my home will make it much more marketable come 5 years when Iím getting out of dodge. Iíll continue to lay down my credit cards with my extra job and I will take this gift.

Tomorrow if I donít look like leper, Iíll try to go to work. Everyone says to take another day off but I know we are short handed as it is. Maybe I should just take care of ya elf for a change. Iím feeling an ounce of relief at the moment ( as in I donít want to burn off all my skin) so letís hope this continues.

Lord, Iím tired. Iím so so tired. Emotionally. Otherwise Iím jacked up from the steroids, so I probably wonít sleep tonight.

I just really feel Ike I am immune to nothing. All those things where one canít imagine it happening to them. I can imagine it and full expect it, lol.

But with that, relief must come and a run on positive stuff

Last edited by job; 08/27/20 01:51 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2902750
08/27/20 02:11 AM
08/27/20 02:11 AM
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Take the day off! You need rest to recover.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2902753
08/27/20 04:32 AM
08/27/20 04:32 AM
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Hey Ginger,

I'm just getting over a case of poison ivy too. I must be super sensitive bc I always break out really bad and it always finds the sensitive areas.

I am almost out of the good topical medicine from a couple years back. But I've had it on my face before where they were giving me steroid pills too. Gotta love mother nature!

Best of luck in feeling better


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2902759
08/27/20 12:40 PM
08/27/20 12:40 PM
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I decided to take the day off. Iím so sick of feeling guilt about how others will be affected if I take care of myself.

I have a very slight improvement today. Still itchy but it doesnít look as horrendous. I was looking like something it of a horror film.

Oh ovrrbrow, I am so sorry you had to experience this as well. I keep saying I would wish this on my worst enemy, but I actually would because it would teach them a lesson for sure .

Iíll go back to work tomorrow. I just needed that one more day off. Iíve got a lot to do for this party anyways.

Sunday I may take myself to the beach and enjoy a nice saltwater dip. I donít want to wear a bathing suit thought, I know a one piece wonít be good for it, but a two piece and I might scare the sh!t out of people. Hey, at least they will stay socially distanced and wonít want to catch my cooties!

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2902768
08/27/20 01:52 PM
08/27/20 01:52 PM
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(((Ginger))). Poor you!!! That sounds sooooo awful. I really feel for you. And you are still outside doing yard work so your D can have her sleepover in the back yard. What a great mom you are!!! And re: your dad wanting to redo your kitchen. He wants to do something nice for his daughter who he sees working so hard and struggling a bit right now. Let him!! It will do both of you some good. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2902795
08/27/20 07:00 PM
08/27/20 07:00 PM
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yes to the saltwater. don't wait.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2902845
08/29/20 06:47 AM
08/29/20 06:47 AM
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The time is 2:20 am. My 3rd night with no sleep. Aside from having awful side effects of the steroids. Iím retaining water like a cow and I have insomnia.

I also have 6 girls in a tent in my yard who are still awake. So there will be no sleeping . What a ride it has been. I decided to poor pretty much an hour into the party. So the girls were good and just went in the tent and when the pizza got here I just brought it all in the tent and they ate it in there. D set up everything else outside woth one of her friends before I got home and she did a great job. We covered everything up and it was fine. They had to bring tie die into the house and 7 of them tie died shirts in my kitchen, woth minimal mess that god. There were a few ďmom, you gotta help meĒ moments. It was all very exhausting but worth it. She seems happy. Her friends are having fun. No fights. Huge mess and lots of clean up for me tomorrow. But then sleep! Itís her dads birthday tomorrow and she will be going woth him. I kind of did expect him to come by after work and make sure everything was going smoothly and give a hand, but he didnít. And thatís ok. I pulled this off on my own . Itís an emotionally lonely experience . But empowering at the same time I guess. I made this happen for my D. I am a mom who could pull some pretty decent things off.

I am so depressed lately though. I feel so physically beaten down. My body is a mess. Itís feels a mess, it most certainly looks a mess. This poison ivy isnít getting better, the only thing the steroids are doing is preventing it from getting worse. And cleared up my face, thankfully. My arms are downright scary looking. We were joking at work today because I look like an IV drug abuSer. The swelling and water retention is insane. I have sausage feel right now and my abdomen is swollen. I literally cry every day, multiple times day.

I did make it to work today. And the most interesting thing happened I went to see a patient and we started talking and we live in the same town, and the. I realized who he was. He was my old neighbor. He saved me one day. The road we lived on could only allow one car down at a time. A recycling truck was coming done and wouldnít pull into a side driveway to let me pass and I had no where to pull over. I ended up suspended on a rock in someoneís property. He saw what happened and came outside and used his rather heavy body weight to get my tires on the ground by sitting the the back of mySUV a and I was able to get out. He remembered that too! He saved my butt that day. I was fortunate to truly get to thank him again.

Anyways, itís now 2:45 am and I may never actually get sleep. Iíll sleep when Iím dead, I guess.

Iím glad my daughter is happy. Iím glad we were able to deal with the the hiccups.

But I just pray my body starts to heal, because I just canít tKe this anymore

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2902853
08/29/20 02:51 PM
08/29/20 02:51 PM
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Awww Ginger. I am so sorry you are going through this. Iíve never had poison ivy but geez...I didnít know it could be so bad. It sounds horrific. You are an AMAZING mom. To do all of the things you did for her while you are suffering with this rash is going above and beyond. There are many, many moms out there who would have postponed the party until they felt better (not gonna lie...Iím probably one of them) but you forged ahead. You have an inner strength that Iím not sure you are even aware of. Try to be kind to yourself today and get some rest. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2902897
08/31/20 11:51 PM
08/31/20 11:51 PM
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VU, thank you so much for your kind words. I try to be the best mom I can, I just want my D to be happy. She is not all so appreciative these days, on the level of a 13 year old girl. What am I going to do? But she was happy, her friends were happy, and we survived through zero sleep and 2 bouts of rain.

I did nothing the next day. I was in the worst shape with this awful poison ivy. I was just in tears. My ex acually brought me a little "medicine" which he though might help and was actually something I really really wanted. and it did help some. I have been aboslutely beside myself with no improvement. I went to the beach yesterday. Took me an hour ot find a spot but i eventually did, and the ocean felt AMAZING. it was cool and salty and gave me relief while I was in there. This has truly torture and no one has seen a reaction as bad as mine, persisting as long as mine. I went to work today. I am super uncomfortable though. I just try to make it through my every day.

I'm going to be honest. I really am hating life lately, I just focus on getting through the end of the day without a nervous breakdown. Im beginning to doubt my inner strength. Im seriously losing it.

Something perhaps worth mentioning. Thursday I picked D up from her house, her dads wife wsa there and I was trying not to go in the house. But we were going to a store and i had to pee. OMG, she spoke to me for an hour. About her work, I mean everything! Like i was her bestie. But then I think she either was confiding in me or trying to stir the sh!t pot. Told me about my ex SIL, which clearly she isn't a fan of either. Tells me she is mean to my daughter because she is a picky eater and does teenagery stuff. Also told me that my ex SIL wants us to change our christmas custody schedule because it inconveniences HER. I am not surprised by this. I am shocked she told me though. She went on to tell me how now my ex begins to stand up a little more for himself and sees what she does. (this was some contention in our marriage).

But why? Why talk to me about it? When we did get in the car, D 12 told me she tries to talk to everyone, no one ever listens to her, no one cares, and I was the only one who listens. WTF? It's all so weird. I have to watch her intentions and her motivations though I am not going to be completely naive. I laugh, because i think she really likes me as a person, and i think my ex even likes me as a person. I am not the awful person they convinced themselves I was ot make what they did right.

But in the end, I am still alone. My life has still be very greatly affected by what happened and what they did 13 years down the line. Divorce will affect things forever, that's for sure.

I am making it though each day minute by minute. That's all I can do right now. I seriously cry every night and pray for a break. Because even I have a breaking point.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2902899
09/01/20 03:47 AM
09/01/20 03:47 AM
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Awww Ginger. When this stupid rash clears up youíll feel a bit better. I know how much you would like to find someone to share your life with. You are not alone...you are lonely. I could tell you all kinds of things that I know you tell yourself on the daily... focus on what you have not on what you donít have, youíll find someone when you are meant to, this, too, shall pass, etc... IMO...those things are all true and could be helpful if loneliness was all you were dealing with. But there is a lot on your plate right now and I can see that it just feels like too much. Iím sorry. I wish I could reach through this computer screen and make it all better as do many of us on here, Iím sure. All I can do is tell you what we tell people on here who are in the early days after BD... breathe, be kind to yourself, just get through the next hour, and then the hour after that. Stay focused on the present...donít think about the past and donít worry about the future. You canít go back and you canít know what is ahead of you.

BTW...my SD20ís mom is 60 and she has been without a partner for as long as you. She met a guy three years ago when she went back to her hometown who was going through a tough time in his marriage. They had mutual friends and I guess just hung out in a group as friends. He contacted her recently to say he was now divorced and had taken a year to ďhealĒ and that he couldnít stop thinking about her so had to reach out. She was just in Ontario visiting him and sounds like she is planning to move there to be with him. I have had a number of phone calls with her in the past (she wants to be my friend too) where she lamented and cried about how hard it was dating and there were NO great guys out there. Then one falls into her lap (SD20 says he is really nice and 12 years younger than her mom)...basically when she had pretty much given up. So it happens. Have faith. Trust that things will work out the way they are meant to and work on living your best life.

Praying you get better soon. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903026
09/03/20 12:04 AM
09/03/20 12:04 AM
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I went to the dermatologist today and she took one look at me and was horrified. She said this is indeed not normal and especially for this long and I shouldnít be suffering so much. She was indeed a little baffled. She does think it might be multiple reactions to multiple poisons. But what stumps her and me and how itís getting worse and not better after all the steroids Iíve been jacked up woth. She took cultures and 2 biopsies and is putting a rush on everything . In the meantime, I need to take a bleach bath Every night to kill any bacteria there might be. She game me vistaril to know I me out and help the itching.

I swear, I havenít been complaining about some run of the mill poison ivy. I am a tough chick and not much takes me out. This has really given me a run for my money. Iím not sleeping, Iím not concentrating, I canít do much of anything, but still have to do everything . Iím struggling. Itís too hot to keep my arms covered, so when Iím in public people look at me horrified too. Thatís not easy either .

In good news, I had some interesting delightful patients today. I really do love talking to them and helping them when they arenít angry, lol. My coworkers are amazingly supportive, they know Iím not feeling well and help me keep my spirits up.

I only have Saturday off and work Sunday and Monday, but thatís ok. Iíd was invited to a party Sunday, but work.

Iím really trying to keep my head up through all of this. Itís not easy. But thankfully, I still have a sense of humor even through my tears.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903057
09/03/20 01:51 PM
09/03/20 01:51 PM
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(((Ginger)))

I am so glad you got to see a dermatologist and that she is taking this rash seriously. Nothing about it sounded run-of-the-mill. Frankly...it sounds awful. I sure hope those biopsies and cultures give her a good idea of how to help you. No doubt you are one tough chick. All of us on here know it. Praying you get better soon. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: DejaVu6] #2903059
09/03/20 02:35 PM
09/03/20 02:35 PM
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Posts: 27,661
Southern Maryland
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I'm glad you went to see the dermatologist about the rash. Sounds like you may have had exposure to several different plants while you were weeding and now they are fighting each other as well as giving you a fit. I wonder if stress is also keeping the itching, etc., going as well. Your immune system may be a bit compromised and hopefully your doctor will get to the bottom of this rash very quickly.

BTW, did she say anything to you about your laundry detergent and soap, i.e., as to stop using them or using something gentler for the time being?

I hope you feel better soon.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903080
09/03/20 08:32 PM
09/03/20 08:32 PM
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So glad you got to see someone and hope you get relief soon. Hang in there. Positive vibes and lots of prayers coming your way.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903087
09/03/20 11:43 PM
09/03/20 11:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I went to the dermatologist today and she took one look at me and was horrified. She said this is indeed not normal and especially for this long and I shouldnít be suffering so much. She was indeed a little baffled. She does think it might be multiple reactions to multiple poisons. But what stumps her and me and how itís getting worse and not better after all the steroids Iíve been jacked up woth. She took cultures and 2 biopsies and is putting a rush on everything . In the meantime, I need to take a bleach bath Every night to kill any bacteria there might be. She game me vistaril to know I me out and help the itching.

I swear, I havenít been complaining about some run of the mill poison ivy. I am a tough chick and not much takes me out. This has really given me a run for my money. Iím not sleeping, Iím not concentrating, I canít do much of anything, but still have to do everything . Iím struggling. Itís too hot to keep my arms covered, so when Iím in public people look at me horrified too. Thatís not easy either .

In good news, I had some interesting delightful patients today. I really do love talking to them and helping them when they arenít angry, lol. My coworkers are amazingly supportive, they know Iím not feeling well and help me keep my spirits up.

I only have Saturday off and work Sunday and Monday, but thatís ok. Iíd was invited to a party Sunday, but work.

Iím really trying to keep my head up through all of this. Itís not easy. But thankfully, I still have a sense of humor even through my tears.


so when I had my bout with bug bites that turned into a hellacious thing, it turned out I was actually allergic to the steroids they gave me. Could that be the case here as well? I'm so sorry you're going through this. Did the ocean help at all?


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903146
09/05/20 12:28 AM
09/05/20 12:28 AM
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Thanks! Iím having some improvement thank god. Small
Improvement , but at least itís not getting worse. Last night I finally slept and I could have honestly slept for another 4 hours at least. Itís been a. Really rough go.

So, weirdness is happening yet again in my life. My D goes back to her dads Saturday night and he asked me to bring her because he has this wine he really wants me to try. Um, ok? So I agree. He brings it up again today and says I really canít wait for you to try this wine, itís so good. Then tonight he calls about something and asks me if I have plans after I drop her off. I said no and he asked me to stay and watch a movie outside on his new movie projector while I enjoy the wine?

Ummm, is my ex trying to date me? Is he trying to get me to have some kinky 3 way with him and his wife? Because Iím not into that.l
Why does he want to hang out with me so much? Oh, and we are taking D horseback riding for her birthday and he said something about not being over 225lbs to ride the horse. I said ďare you asking me if Iím 225lb, because Iím not there yet!Ē ( I said this as a joke) and he said ď youíll never be 225Ē.

This is all weird. Has me unsettled again. His wife has been talking to me a lot lately, but also seems as if she is stirring the pot a little with what she has to say in regards to his sister. And now my ex wants me to stay and drink wine and watch movies?


Is this odd to anyone else?

I can deal with being the single crazy cat lady as I have taken myself off all dating sites ready to live the life of singledom. But I donít think I can deal with being my ex husbands and his wifeís , who was his affair partner , third wheel.

Seriously. This wasnít supposed to be my life

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903147
09/05/20 01:01 AM
09/05/20 01:01 AM
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kml Online
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Oh he!! no. Iím not hanging out at my exís drinking wine. Whatís so darn special about this wine anyway? Did he stomp the grapes?

Do yourself a favor and let him know youíve got plans that night. Even if you donít. This weird triangulation is too creepy.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903148
09/05/20 01:19 AM
09/05/20 01:19 AM
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Yes, it is freaking weird! I totally agree with kml...tell him youíre busy, even if your plans are to drive back to your house and fall asleep on your couch with the tv on. It is none of his business what your plans are. No d@mn way would I hang out and drink wine with my ex and his current wife.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903162
09/05/20 11:50 AM
09/05/20 11:50 AM
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Maybe they became jehovahs witnesses and are trying to get me to join the cult?

Canít just have a normal date in a Saturday night, that would be crazy!!

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903183
09/05/20 06:59 PM
09/05/20 06:59 PM
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I sense a pyramid scheme presentation from them in your near future.


H37, W37
D4, S2
ILYBNILWY 9/19
BD 9/19
EA discovered 10/19
Currently in limbo, no D or S process initiated
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903184
09/05/20 07:34 PM
09/05/20 07:34 PM
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OMG thatís GOT to be it. Wasnít there a pyramid scheme a while back that was fancy antioxidant fruit juice in wine bottles?

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903186
09/05/20 08:23 PM
09/05/20 08:23 PM
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Oh yeah, it was called Monavie

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903189
09/05/20 10:45 PM
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I donít know about anywhere else, but the Jehovahís Witnesses around here in South Arkansas are mailing it in due to the pandemic. I kid you not, I got an envelope in the mail yesterday from a local person whom I donít know and when I opened it, it was a letter and pamphlets. Seriously......it had my maiden name and my correct current address so Iím not sure how she found me but my mother in law got one last week.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903206
09/06/20 02:03 PM
09/06/20 02:03 PM
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Right where I need to be
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Yeah, the movie and wine thing is just so weird.....

As for his wife talking to you, a few things you said made me remember a situation I had with my ex while we were still living together. At one point several months into living sperate we started alternating who had the bedroom. I would be in the room watching the movie and she would come to the doorway to talk about about random [censored]. Iíd pause the movie and it would turn into her standing there for sometimes up to 2 hours telling me about her day at work. Now at the time I overthought the hell out of this and I really didnít know wtf was happening. This is duding the time she was texting and sneaking around with the co-worked she left me for and we both knew that was the case. The one who had another girlfriend at the same time too. Eventually I realized it wasnít about me, I was just someone who would listen and she didnít have that at the time. Being heard and validated is a powerful thing and people crave it, sometimes it has nothing to do with us past that.. Your D saying no one listens to her, but you do, is shat made me remember that. Just some thoughts.

Glad you have some relief from the poison ivy! You might want to stay away from other poisonous plants....


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903215
09/06/20 05:06 PM
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So I ended up having ďmovie nightĒ it was fine. But my observations: his wife just loves talking to me probably because like you said Fogg, I listen to her. After last night I know about how her diabetes got a little worse and she is on a new medication and she sought medical advice from me. Then when my ex leaves the room, she starts venting about his sister again. She canít stand her and apparently Iím the one she wants to vent to about that. She canít stand her.

Honestly I left just feeling really sad. I cried on the way home . My Saturday night is spent with my ex husband and his affair partner. Why do I do it? Because Iíll be the bad guy to my daughter if I donít. And I donít see deserve that. Some may envy how we all get along, but it is not easy on me. Much easier than not getting along, thatís for sure, but it emotionally takes a toll on me.
At the end of the night, I drive home alone and go home alone to my empty bed. I want my own husband/ partner to do these things with. Not my ex. Not his wife. I want my own.

Iím riding along on the emotional struggle bus lately. It feels never ending . I am off the dating sites. I just canít look anymore. But when I do I think Iím going to really change my approach. I got so hyper villigant about looking for red flags, that I was ruling out everyone. I did not approach it to be fun. It takes too much to get me interested. Iím just going to chill. Take it for what itís worth.
Iím working today and tomorrow and I have really busy week coming up. D12 starts virtual school Tuesday, she has cheer practice Tuesday and Friday, Saturday is cheer pictures and homecoming game and my dad and his wife are coming. Ex and wall out our daughter for her 8th grade year. Sunday she officially becomes 13 and me, her and her dad are going horseback riding and then out to dinner. September and October are busy for me. And at the end of those busy days I sure wish I had someone . But I donít. And I donít want to put the effort in finding someone . So thatís on me.

I believe I am a really really really good person. Too good, actually. Itís a blessing aNd a curse. Lately it feels more like a curse

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903219
09/06/20 06:14 PM
09/06/20 06:14 PM
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Really? You arenít going to look like the bad guy to your daughter for declining some of these invitations. You donít even needs plans, you just say you have other things going on and say thanks, but no thanks. Those plans can be you watching a movie at home or whatever you want it to be, you donít need to explain it. You can put yourself first here from time to time.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Fogg] #2903224
09/06/20 07:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Fogg
Really? You arenít going to look like the bad guy to your daughter for declining some of these invitations. You donít even needs plans, you just say you have other things going on and say thanks, but no thanks. Those plans can be you watching a movie at home or whatever you want it to be, you donít need to explain it. You can put yourself first here from time to time.


You are absolutely right. I have declined a few in the past. I should not feel bad about declining then either. We are not one big happy family. I am not his wifeís confidant .

We do always do an activity and dinner just the 3
Of us on her birthday. We will continue that.

I need to think of me. Me isnít doing all that hot lately. And if declining these invites is some self care, thatís what Iíll do.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Fogg] #2903225
09/06/20 07:50 PM
09/06/20 07:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Fogg
Really? You arenít going to look like the bad guy to your daughter for declining some of these invitations. You donít even needs plans, you just say you have other things going on and say thanks, but no thanks. Those plans can be you watching a movie at home or whatever you want it to be, you donít need to explain it. You can put yourself first here from time to time.


Agreed. I couldn't do it. The toll it would have on my daughters would be minor compared to toll it would have on me.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903257
09/07/20 09:11 PM
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Work was not painful these past 2 days and it was slow. I worked with one of my fav people at my other job, so it made it easier. And time and a half! Woot woot!

My poison ivy is getting much better. Iím still pretty discolored but itís feeling so much better.

I got invited 2 places this weekend and I was unable to go because of work, but Iím sad, because I am desperate for the adult socialization.

D starts virtual school tomorrow. Sheís excited and she set up her desk so nicely. I canít believe itís her 8th grade year and then she will be off to high school. Time certainly flies. She is really a wonderful kid and though kind of a spiked unappreciative brat lately. Partially my fault. But overall sheís an incredible kid, she just happens to be becoming a very hormonal teenager. I honestly donít know whatís going to happen custody wise. She didnít take the extra day this week. And with school it might be more difficult for her to take. But I will support her if she wants to go to her dads for the extra day.

I have to admit. Iím ready for a little more normal in my life. I want to get my foot fixed to I can go back to the gym now that itís open . Iím setting up an apt this week to schedule my procedure. Itís a minor one. It will be worth it. I donít feel all that healthy. I mean, I am generally a healthy person. I almost never get sick. But I get these weird things that happen to me. And I am used to being pretty active and I havenít been. I donít think my body likes it. I need to figure something out. I donít like how I feel. I need to find a way to socialize more. I have some work events coming up which might help.


There are literally so many things I want to do but have no one to do then with. I wish there was an app for an activity buddy. Sure, I can do some myself, but they arenít nearly as fun by myself.

I admit, I often thing of M and me. Tomorrow would have been our first date anniversary. I still think ďwhat if I didnít push so much for certain things?Ē Iím still missing some closure there. The what could have been a seem so great. But they are simply what could have beens.

What actually is right now is a bit isolating. And kind of sad. But Iím hoping to find a way to make it better. I do really try. I want to feel better on physically and mentally and I think Iím just overwhelmed and donít know where to start.

My tough time of the year is coming. And all the other times are tough, but this is a seriously tough time of year to be solo. But I can do it.

I also realize I have to stop acting like such a martyr with my ex and that whole situation. I am not too good. 8 am probably just too week. Iím going to start working on that too

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903331
09/08/20 08:19 PM
09/08/20 08:19 PM
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As always, I'm a day late and a dollar short, so my comments are lagging behind, but I agree with what Fogg said a few posts back. Girl, cut yourself some slack. You CAN say no to these things occasionally. Your daughter is plenty old enough to understand that you have a life outside of her dad since you are no longer coupled and you do NOT have to play big happy family just to protect her. Sure, do that for her birthday, because that is your tradition and you should totally continue that, but just random invites for movie nights and the like....h3lllllllllllllllllllllllllllll no. And, I think I said it when you first mentioned it, but you don't even have to have an actual reason for saying no. You don't owe him or his wife anything and you certainly don't have to justify yourself, so if you aren't interested in going and hanging out and playing nice, just say "no thanks" and then roll on and do your thing by yourself. I promise your daughter will survive it.

Hang in there with the hormonal teenager years. They can be quite a ride, but when y'all get through it (and you will, even if it seems pretty iffy sometimes), the other side will be amazing. Trust me...I see it from the other side now where my girls are all adults and those mornings screaming at each other and me and their dad because a shirt doesn't fit right or they don't have eye shadow to match seem like some weird tv show that I watched rather than the life I lived.

I'm sorry you are feeling so isolated and alone. It [censored] at any time, but this year even more so with all of the craziness in the world surrounding Corona. Hopefully you can find some normalcy to focus on and get you through.

I'm not sure exactly what you are referring to in the last couple of sentences, but girl, you are SO far from weak. Stop doing that to yourself because you just are not weak nor are you a martyr. You got ALL this. wink


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903477
09/10/20 01:47 AM
09/10/20 01:47 AM
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Thank you dawn. These teenage years that have just begun are kicking my butt. Sheís changed so much in the ost few months. But she still does love me, thankfully. But itís a rough ride.

As far as the ex goes .he made home made meatballs and sauce and brought me some. He remembered I was looking in trader howís for something but I couldnít find it and he picked it up for me ( of course I paid him). We are thoughtful towards eachother often. Itís weird and unsettling. Especially since I had a dream he proposed to me. That messed me up some more.

D12ís first day of virtual school was yesterday. I feel bad for the kid. Sitting in front of a computer all day alone. Itís crappy.

Tonight I attended a work event. They are back! At a very nice restaurant with beautiful outdoor seating and unlimited food and drinks. And OMG. To socialize again! It felt so wonderful! A few of us stayed later and I met some new friends who happen to be single and we are planning to get together. One kayaks and is in some clubs. Sheís introducing me to them. My other coworker is single and we have talked about doing. Some singles events. Sheís 55. Lots of fun though. She was the case manager for Mís mom when she was admitted. She did tell me she was there again about 6 months ago, but I was off then. Anyways. It was great to be social. I never see my friends anymore or go out so this was really really good for me. I felt alive again for a little while there.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903610
09/12/20 02:07 AM
09/12/20 02:07 AM
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I had dinner with my cousin tonight. Sheís unhappily married and has been engaged in an affair with another married man.

She told me tonight that she doesnít envy me and that if she had to date again, she would hate it. She basically said she would rather be in her unhappy marriage rather than to be in my position.

She didnít mean it in a mean way. But OUCH. And the sad thing , she doesnít even know how lonely I am . The only place I express those feelings is here. Everyone actually still sees me as happy go lucky ginger . No one knows how I truly feel.

Sad. Living with someone you argue with every day and arenít attracted to is more desirable
Than living my life.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903611
09/12/20 02:10 AM
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Hi G,

Glad you are healing a bit. And yes, teenagers are entertaining. No strong words of advice-just stopped by to say I feel ya on the lonely thing. Hang in there.


Me-42 xh-41
3 kids
BD 12/15/13 (IDKIILY. )
Rope dropped Cirque du Soleil style
D final 9-9-14
"Some people are born on 3rd base and go through life thinking they hit a triple." Barry Switzer
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903619
09/12/20 04:05 AM
09/12/20 04:05 AM
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Wow ginger, Iíd say that says a whole lot more about your cousin than it says about you. Man that is pretty messed up that she is living her life this way and thinks thatís better than being by herself? Again really says a lot about her and not about you. Please donít at all think sheís doing better than you are because she clearly is not. I mean what would be worse having a husband that beat her and her claiming at least she has a roof over her head so sheís better off this way. Iím not at all trying to diminish your loneliness. Iím just saying thereís no way I would wanna see you trade places with your cousin - no way.


DonH
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Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903621
09/12/20 04:18 AM
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I agree with Don!

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903628
09/12/20 11:46 AM
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Don is absolutely correct! What she said was about her, not you. Many people donít like the thought of dating again after a certain age but to stay with someone she doesnít love AND have an affair with another married man is just not really smart decision making. Iím so sorry youíre lonely. I wish I could give you some advice that would fix that. Big hugs, my friend.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903630
09/12/20 12:11 PM
09/12/20 12:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
I had dinner with my cousin tonight. Sheís unhappily married and has been engaged in an affair with another married man.

She told me tonight that she doesnít envy me and that if she had to date again, she would hate it. She basically said she would rather be in her unhappy marriage rather than to be in my position.

She didnít mean it in a mean way. But OUCH. And the sad thing , she doesnít even know how lonely I am . The only place I express those feelings is here. Everyone actually still sees me as happy go lucky ginger . No one knows how I truly feel.

Sad. Living with someone you argue with every day and arenít attracted to is more desirable
Than living my life.


consider the source.
her thinking is distorted by the miserable situation that is her life.
it's like going to the hardware store to buy a bag of oranges. not going get them there.
i love you.
i'm proud of you.
you are an extraordinary human.
never forget that.
xoxoxo


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903641
09/12/20 02:37 PM
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Iím with everyone else on this one. Your cousin is messed up. I would way rather be on my own than in an unhappy marriage. And I definitely would not try to fix it by having an affair with a married man. Yikes. This canít end well. She will be wishing she was you!!!

Great to hear about you night out. Sounds like you will be having some more soon. Having single friends to go out with is a gift. I hope you take full advantage.

Sorry about the loneliness Ginger. It is hard to shake when it sets in but keep doing what you are doing and it will have less of an impact. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903898
09/16/20 12:54 AM
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I appreciate all the comments. I have had much time or mental energy to reply. I do agree, my cousin is projecting. It's just hard for me to see someone in such a crazy situation prefer that over being out there dating and being single.

D13's bday weekend was very nice. We had lunch with my dad and his wife and her bestie, then we went to the homecoming/first game of the season. I saw pics of myself and cringed so badly. Aside from that, it went well. The next day D13, ex and I took D 13 horseback riding which was lots of fun. I hadn't been since ex and I were 21 and we had a romantic weekend away in the poconos. The horseback riding was in the town we had lived in and he said " it's our old stomping grounds" as we approached. We went to dinner after, and ex came back to our house, sat on my couch for an hour watching the football game and then we had some birthday dessert and he went home. FOr a second I hate to admit I said "so, this is what would it would be like if we all lived in the same home". We never did all 3 of us except when she was an infant. I hate myself for having that thought. It's not something i want, but yes, I always wondered what it might feel like.

Yesterday I decided to being exercising again. I went back to my orange theory classes, I have ot sub the bike for the treadmill because of my foot, but I did it. ANd we have to wear masks. Which is really hard when you are gasping for breath. Our gyms reopened to 25% capacity. I felt very safe. I plan on returning to my class 2x week. I need it for me. I am too heavy, I am out of shape, and I need ot just make some big adjustments in my life because i am generally not feeling like i used to,

Then today, I am really just so frustrated with a situation. I had mentioned how my dad said he wants to redo my kitchen. He told me to start finding contractors, etc. I HATE taking anything from my dad, and you will see why.

AT lunch on saturday my daughter mentions something about wanting to go back to disney and have them come this time. He starts planning it at the table. My daughter mentions something baout doing hershey park for christmas, he says he is going ot look into it. I brought something up about my kitchen the next day and he says " I can't afford that if we are going ot disney" I was like WTF?! I said to my dad, I would rather have my kitchen done than go to disney, you can't promise her that without discussing it with me first" he kind of blows that off.

Today he complains about expenses to me.... I text him " are we doing the kitchen still?" He says "well, I have to do catch up on my bills, get D13's bed (which he offered at the same time as the kitchen because he made money in the stock market) and do hershey park, so at a later time. I am not a bank"

What?!? He tells me he is doing my kitchen, he came into money, please accept this, we want ot do this so much for you, get prices and contractors" to "I am not a bank" comment. He totally gaslights me all the time. I would rather have zero offers than one that he always takes back, then makes me feel guilty about it by saying something like "I'm not a bank" He makes me feel like I am going nuts. This is why I accept nothing unless it is an emergency.

Honeslty, it has me really upset. ANd not because i am not getting my kitchen redone, even though I was excited about it and I have begun shopping around like he told me to, but because he always takes things back and makes me sound greedy. I told him I would rather he not pay for any of it. And he tells me " i';; help when I can" I don't want a dime. At least no one will take it away or make me feel guilty if I save up and pay.

I seriously can't wait to get out of here. I want to move to an affordable area, have my own townhome that requires no maintnance that i can afford with one job and need no one for anything. I want to go so far away form the BS. I want to start over. I really need a new beginning.

Thanks for listening

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2903901
09/16/20 01:30 AM
09/16/20 01:30 AM
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Yeah that's really f'd up. Your mom may have been the "crazy' one but your dad doesn't have every marble he should either. I'm sorry you got dealt such a lousy hand for parents. Yet despite all that, you're doing a FANTASTIC job parenting your daughter.

I know you've still got a few years until your daughter graduates high school - but where would you move if that day was today? It's nice to daydream, to start thinking about your choices.

And what does your kitchen really need? Is there a way to refresh it without spending a ton of money?

((((hug)))))

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904079
09/17/20 10:34 PM
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KML, you know, the tough part about all of this is that I have always idolized my dad . I thought he was the best dad and man on the face of this earth. And he did do his best and he does love me very much. Iíve never seen flaws in the past though. And his flaws I have finally had to admit to. Itís been hard to do and sad. And I know heís impossible to deal with and doesnít see anyway but his own and there is nothing I can do about it. We havenít spoken since. And I can predict he is going to get mad I havenít called him. Oh well. I also have to let it sit and simmer because I canít even tell him he hurt me, because he will invalidate it and make it about me hurting him. And I just donít have the energy for that.

Work stunk pretty bad today . Changes were made that have left me woth the heaviest work load and today is the first day I actually got p*ssed at work. I am always laid back, take my work load in stride, but today it wasnít fair. And it may not be very fair going forward.

I adore my coworkers absolutely adore my coworkers. But not my job. My pull back to the bedside is so strong but I canít do that now. And Iíve been out of bedside so long who knows if I would be able to hack it .
Everything canít be perfect so I have to just recognize I may not like my position but I love my coworkers and thatís the way it will be. Canít get greedy. I have Saturday off and then kick off a 9 day work streak. I pray I get through it without going insane

And yes, what gets me excited is planning for that big move in 5 years! I look at house prices all time and do my research. Iím leaning towards Delaware. Drivable form current state. Like no tax and so affordable. And still coastal.

Been thinking about making a vision board. I canít see the light lately. And I need something to look forward to and work towards . Because if I see no end in the way things are, Iím going to get even more depressed. So, Iím just trying to see a good future for myself.

D13 has an 8:15 game tonight. Sheís going with her friend, so luckily I donít have to go early. I hope to sleep like a baby tonight when we finally get home

Last edited by job; 09/18/20 01:28 PM. Reason: edited a word
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904081
09/18/20 12:24 AM
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A vision board is a GREAT idea!

And yes, your dad can be a loving dad and a hot mess at the same time. I just want you to realize how NOT okay that was. He's what you've got and you're right to look at the good stuff, but I sure wouldn't want you to pick a guy based on your dad's model of behavior, because it's just not what normal good parents would do.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904118
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Sorry about what happened with your dad Ginger. Yep...thatís pretty crappy behaviour, for sure. Especially since he pushed you so hard in the beginning to let him do the remodel for you. Then when you finally allowed yourself to get excited about it, he pulled the plug. Not cool. Not cool at all.

I, too, think your idea of doing a vision board is a great one. Always easier to get somewhere if you know where it is you want to go. Never been to Delaware but Iím sure it is nice if it is on the coast.

Hope you had a great sleep!!!


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904126
09/18/20 03:42 PM
09/18/20 03:42 PM
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So sorry about your dust up with your dad, G. That sux and I'm sorry you had to deal with it. I'm also sorry that you can't really talk to him about it and resolve it. (((G)))

I think the vision board idea is a great one. I'm a very visual person so writing things down or having pictures of things really helps me to focus. It could be a great way to set some goals and be able to actually see a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904129
09/18/20 05:01 PM
09/18/20 05:01 PM
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Posts: 3,351
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Hey my sweet friend. You are still so hard on yourself... celebrate that you are amazing...you bought a house on your own...found a good job, got your degree, working a 2nd job, raising your girl pretty much by yourself..good on you!

That's a whole lot in a short time...and you've entered the teen years... a great deal of stuff for anyone to handle. But you are doing it...

As for your father...there is this dance you seem to keep doing with him. You say you hate to take anything from him, then he offers, then you agree, then he reneges.... and on and on it goes. Cheeseless tunnels, no?

I know each time you hope that this time will be the time he will follow thru and then he doesnt and you get upset. I know the feeling...did it my whole childhood.

Here's the thing...you cant change him..you can only change your reaction to him, right? I think you should just decide that you will not accept his help unless it is critical. No expectations, no disappointment.

I know you love him and he loves you but something has to change or you will continue to feel like this.

As far as meeting someone, right now...concentrate on you. You have to feel good about you before you can share your life with anyone.

Proud of you, sweetie. Keep going.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904170
09/19/20 11:45 AM
09/19/20 11:45 AM
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Ginger1 Online OP
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Thank you all for solidifying that I am not crazy. This is probably why I often feel guilty about things ir feel the need to apologize when I'm not wrong. I guess now I am an adult and the rose colored glasses are off. I think I kept them on so long because i really didn't have a mom, or anyone and i just wanted to keep seeing only good din the one person I have/had. But he has faults like the rest of us. we haven't spoken all week. He will eventually call me and ask why I haven't called him.

UR, HELLO!
The problem is when i try to decline is offers, he gets mad and also makes me feel guilty. It's a lose -lose. The best I can do is take them with a grain of salt. and accept them and pretty much expect them not to happen. ANd honstly, it is not that it didn't happen that is so upsetting to me. It's the "im not a bank" comment. ANd when he asks, I have decided to I will calmly tell him how that made me feel.

I am currently not on any dating apps or even thinking about dating in any way for the past few weeks. FOr the reasons you mention too, I am not in a good place and that will attract no good. or it will attract nothing. I want ot be emotionally and physically healthy before I try my hand at it again. But I don't even desire too. It kills my spirit. Some people get pretty lucky on those dating apps fairly quickly. CLearly, not me. This might just be my fate.

Thank you for opening my eyes again to all I accomplished and overcame. I'm proud of me, but i guess some days it doesn't feel like all that hard work has paid big dividends. But I am sure its my frame of mind that isn't allowing me ot see it.

The teenager years are killer. Its been something really difficult for me. It's like everything has changed in the past few months. She's snotty at times, not appreciative, kind of lazy, and all about her friends and what she wants. It's tough. She is not a bad kid by any means, but she is going through a transition. She still is on the couch next next to me at night, may she be on her phone and she has total control over the TV, but I feel her drifting away. We were always so attached to eachother, it's tough. ANd yes, she is spoiled, no doubt, ANd I have had to hand out some more consequences to her lately because of her not listening. But it also really hard right now because these kids do not have it easy. Taking away anything social is not going to be good for her, because she is so isolated as it is. The poor kid is home alone all day. I feel for her. It's a tough balance for sure, and I am kind of alone in this. But having my little buddy drifting away is really really hard one me, quite honestly. But in know this is a completely normal process. Did I mention I have been getting guily from my dad about my daughter too? About how she doesn't call, or hold conversations, etc? More guilt trips.

The good news is, my social life is improving. And with new friends, which is kind of exciting. I've always been close to those at work, but it's becoming out of work relationships which is cool. One is a mom friend who has 2 daughters one 2 years younger than mind and one 3 years older than mine. ANd we are like the same kind of parent. She's awesome and she wants to get together soon which a small bunch of us for some drinks. Our marketing after work get togethers are coming back. I am going to trivia nigh with another coworker at a new local brewery. I'd rather work on the relationships more than a romantic one right now, This is what I need in my life. Although, I bet, as a dear friend pointed out, the socializing will probably stop once another shut down hits.

My last day off before 10 in a row. Getting the dog groomed and doing yard work for the first time since the poison ivy from H ell, I'm a little nervous, but its cold enough to cover up. Making a nice leg of lamb tonight for myself. But I did have dinner last night with a good friend and that was nice.

Gotta go make this day a good one. Thanks for listening

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904173
09/19/20 01:55 PM
09/19/20 01:55 PM
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kml Online
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Good job on the socializing!

As for your daughter - remember that separating from the same-sex parent is a normal act of developing independence and growing into adulthood. Just like toddlers test the limits, teens will too (and just like toddlers are reassured by having boundaries, teens are too, no matter how much they fight you).

She will start to think you are really stupid for the next few years, but donít worry, in her twenties youíll become smart again!

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904193
09/19/20 07:03 PM
09/19/20 07:03 PM
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You sound much, much better Ginger!! I LOVE that you are developing friendships with other women who want to go out and socialize. I focused hard on that after BD and it made a huge difference.

Re: dating apps. I definitely think you attract better guys when you are feeling at the top of your game. I think that has been a difference for me this time around as opposed to the first time I tried it. I was feeling pretty crappy about myself then but this time I had a lot more confidence. Not to say that I didnít have my insecure moments but when I did, I would just go through my list of things that make me a catch (similar to the list UR provided for you).

My best advice to you would be that once you are feeling better about yourself and where you are at, just go out and have a good time. When you are in a good place confidence-wise, it really shows in how you carry yourself and in your interactions with others. It makes you much more attractive. Also...one of the things that helped me the most is that I watched a lot of YouTube videos about attraction, dating, etc... There are some great coaches out there who put out some helpful videos that put you in a great mindset when you eventually start to go out on dates again.

Re: your daughter. Mine turns 13 in December. I know EXACTLY what you are going through. I agree with everyone else...it is completely normal. It does hurt sometimes but knowing that, I think, helps you to not take it personally which you definitely shouldnít.

Re: your dad. I think your idea about accepting his offers but having zero expectations he will follow through is the way to go. That way, when he doesnít, you wonít be overly hurt by it. But if he does, you will get to be pleasantly surprised. Way better to be surprised that disappointed. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904332
09/22/20 11:58 PM
09/22/20 11:58 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
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Massachusetts
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Originally Posted by Ginger1

Then today, I am really just so frustrated with a situation. I had mentioned how my dad said he wants to redo my kitchen. He told me to start finding contractors, etc. I HATE taking anything from my dad, and you will see why.

AT lunch on saturday my daughter mentions something about wanting to go back to disney and have them come this time. He starts planning it at the table. My daughter mentions something baout doing hershey park for christmas, he says he is going ot look into it. I brought something up about my kitchen the next day and he says " I can't afford that if we are going ot disney" I was like WTF?! I said to my dad, I would rather have my kitchen done than go to disney, you can't promise her that without discussing it with me first" he kind of blows that off.

Today he complains about expenses to me.... I text him " are we doing the kitchen still?" He says "well, I have to do catch up on my bills, get D13's bed (which he offered at the same time as the kitchen because he made money in the stock market) and do hershey park, so at a later time. I am not a bank"

What?!? He tells me he is doing my kitchen, he came into money, please accept this, we want ot do this so much for you, get prices and contractors" to "I am not a bank" comment. He totally gaslights me all the time. I would rather have zero offers than one that he always takes back, then makes me feel guilty about it by saying something like "I'm not a bank" He makes me feel like I am going nuts. This is why I accept nothing unless it is an emergency.

Honeslty, it has me really upset. ANd not because i am not getting my kitchen redone, even though I was excited about it and I have begun shopping around like he told me to, but because he always takes things back and makes me sound greedy. I told him I would rather he not pay for any of it. And he tells me " i';; help when I can" I don't want a dime. At least no one will take it away or make me feel guilty if I save up and pay.

I seriously can't wait to get out of here. I want to move to an affordable area, have my own townhome that requires no maintnance that i can afford with one job and need no one for anything. I want to go so far away form the BS. I want to start over. I really need a new beginning.

Thanks for listening



you k now I am just catching up but that meme I posted yesterday? yeah. this. this is why. and I'd feel that way too. {{{{{{{{G}}}}}}}
ps good for you to start a workout routine. I'm in week 2 of PT, currently icing the foot. ouch.


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904453
09/24/20 10:52 PM
09/24/20 10:52 PM
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Ginger1 Online OP
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Iím here to vent as I have had a very bad day and a bad week. Iím in the middle of a 10 day work steak and one day off in 17 and Iím barely keeping it together. This week at work has been insane for many reasons. Extremely short staffed, very complicated patients, everything going wrong. Today was an exceptional challenge. And because i ended up having to work very late, I ended up losing a great deal on a used spin bike I was supposed to pick up. I am very angry about that.

Bttfly, I keep having more examples of the reasons why I have the ultra independence. I wonít get into details, but it again happened to me today. People ask me why I never accept offered help. Itís because when I do, people usually make it guilt laden when I didnít even ask for it. People who want to be heroís, but for whatever reason they canít help and instead of telling me they canít help anymore, they come up with guilt trips instead. I donít need that. I need honestly, truth, and directness. And I hve never ever given anyone a reason for them to not be comfortable with giving that to me. Never. Itís just easier and then stressful to decline help,

I bit the bullet and called my dad yesterday because I kind of had to. What a sh!t show that was. I called when I was at work hoping this conversation would be quick. But no. It was my dad going on and on and on. Guilt trip after guilt trip, him being a martyr. I actually put the phone on speaker so my coworker could hear this. She was dumbfounded. My dad went on and on about how he is 71 and all he thinks about is his mortality and how he wakes up every day looking at the stock market to see if he has money to help me . About how he only has maybe 10 years to do fun stuff so thatís why he East her would put my kitchen on the back burner. About how he sits at home and thinks about how heís getting older and thank good for his wife when she gets home because she is so wonderful blah blah blah. How much money he spends on what. And how he doesnít mind spending it itís his choice but he spends so much. How difficult his life is. I mean, he sounded like he was losing his mind there and kept going in circles. I didnít even talk. I put the phone on speaker and mute. I just validated and I realize this is what it is. I just canít anymore.

The worst thing? There is one person I can accept help from without it being guilt laden . Youíll never believe who. Yes, my ex husband. We offer to help eachother. Itís no strings attached. If we can, we do, if we canít, we are honest about it. No hard feelings. And appreciation when we can help eachother. We keep it simple. Maybe itís not the worst thing, but surreal sometimes.

Iím also pretty sure I re-tore my meniscus. So I have a left bad knee and a right bad foot. I have an appointment next week with my knee surgeon.

I donít know know why life is beating me down so hard. I have a hard time finding what the reason is for under the premise of ďeverything happens for a reasonĒ if it wasnít for my daughter, I donít think I would care if I lived or died.
At the end of the day, I just canít understand this life chosen for me. Maybe itís not something to understand. How I can have such an emotionally draining day/life and have no one to come home to for so long to be there for me.

This weekend I have my daughters best friend staying over starting tonight. They have eachother, I feed them and put on a happy face. At least she is really happy.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904460
09/25/20 06:34 AM
09/25/20 06:34 AM
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kml Online
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Do you think itís possible your dadís in the early stages of dementia? Mood changes and perseveration can be early signs. His depressed obsessing about his money and years left could be a sign of this - or could just be part of pre-existing self-absorption.

You sound depressed, hon - this crazy year is messing with a lot of peopleís mental health. Please reach out to your doctor or therapist.

Oh - and Iíve been seeing a quote going around about how extreme independence is a trauma response.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904558
09/27/20 02:10 AM
09/27/20 02:10 AM
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Ginger1 Online OP
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I am indeed very very depressed. I am on ADís. Life is just beating my down. Itís always an uphill battle, it this time Iím not getting up the hill.

Physically, I am in the worst place of my life. I can barely walk. I will likely need a surgery on my foot and my knee. On opposite legs. Itís too much. My one outlet of exercise is like totally gone. I canít even go for a walk. I wanted to go hiking and explore because the fall is beautiful here, and I can barely get from my bedroom to my bathroom. Iím limping and in pain. I donít have the time or the help I need to even have these surgeries.

My daughter is completely out of control. I mean sheís been awful. Her selfishness is off the charts. Sheís even selfish to her friends. The way she talks to people and has lost her manners is totally embarrassing. Iíve put some consequences out there, but they are going to have to get very serious. Itís heart breaking to watch whatís happening to her.

Exís wife had to take the girls to the game game tonight. They were all at my house while I was at work so they could get ready. ( I worked 11-7 today) I met them at the field. Having much one on one conversations with the wifey. More bad stuff about my ex sister in me. And how she is nasty to my daughter and criticizes her all time. She apparently told OW that my daughter isnít active enough and she might get fat. WTF?! I would honestly kill for my daughters body at her age. Itís none of her business. So Iím stuck in a position to hear this stuff I canít do anything about going on around my back. OW also shares about how rude my D has been. Itís just all kind of awful. Sad enough this is who I am talking about all of this to.

And at the end of the day Iíve got no support. Iím literally losing my mind. And I just need to come here and vent.

I donít like my life. Iíve been doing nothing but trying to make it a great one, but Iím officially defeated. I give up. Iíve worked so hard for what? To be alone and in pain both physically and mentally? Itís not a way to live a life.

Some dark humor. We had a 101 year old patient. I said ď I hope I donít live to be a 101, Iím done at 75Ē and I said to my coworker who witnesses the bad luck I have and I said ďIím going to live until 101 arenít I? And she said ďoh yeah, with your luck you willĒ and we laughed and laughed.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904561
09/27/20 04:45 AM
09/27/20 04:45 AM
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MLCxH Offline
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Ginger,
Sorry you are feeling depressed. I am curious when was the last time you went on vacation? Being able to step away from normal routine often works wonders. Perhaps take a long weekend off from work and get out of town to the beach or a resort? Don't do anything hectic. Just get some sun, get a massage and do other things that are relaxing. More importantly, give your mind a break from everything you have been dealing with. The problems will still be there waiting for you when you get back, but taking some time to recoup will help you get stronger in facing them.

Originally Posted by Ginger1

I donít like my life. Iíve been doing nothing but trying to make it a great one, but Iím officially defeated. I give up. Iíve worked so hard for what? To be alone and in pain both physically and mentally? Itís not a way to live a life.


There is a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson ďThe purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.Ē

As a nurse and first responder, especially during this pandemic, you are making a difference in people's lives. I feel that your life has great purpose and eventually karma will find a way to repay you for all the doing you are doing.

I am truly sorry you are in pain and I hope things get better soon.Stay strong in the meantime till that happens.

((hugs))

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904565
09/27/20 11:59 AM
09/27/20 11:59 AM
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Ginger1 Online OP
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Thank you so much, MLXer. I was telling a friend that I need a wellness retreat. I want to go to a spa resort where I get massages, lay on the beach, do yoga , mediate, SLEEP. Take care of ME and not think of all the BS.

The last vacation I had was in July 2019 with my exBF and our kids to the beach. The once after that was OCT last year for my friends wedding and she lives in FL Neither was a real vacation. First one was about making the kids happy. Which I do genuinely enjoy. The next one, was working hard to make our friends wedding wonderful. Which I also enjoyed, because I love my friend. We had some fun.

The last time anything for me? Canít tell ya.

I did pay $2k to go in a cruise to Bermuda with my daughter and her BFF and her parents and sister. In the middle of April. Which obviously got cancelled. And I have not gotten refunded. And I will probably completely lose this 2k. That kind of money for something like a vacation is a big deal in my world.

I actually have a lot of vacation time left at work. I put in for some time. I think Iím going to take maybe a 3-4 day break just for me. My daughter will freak. She will give me the ď you are going WITHOUT me?!?Ē But too darned bad. She had a nice long vacation to Myrtle beach and supposedly is going to Hawaii next year.


Iíve thought about pretending to go off the wall ( probably wouldnít be so much pretending) so I can go to one of those ďrecovery centersĒ and have my insurance pay for it. Group and individual therapy, yoga classes, nature walks, people cooking for me and cleaning up.

Sounds HEAVENLY!

Every since this all happened in my life, did decide to make my life an act of service. I figure thatís really our purpose here on earth. I have a career that is an act of service. And for a while in the beginning I felt like I was making a difference. Unfortunately these days, especially with the role I have no, people are unappreciative entitled a holes who are just abusive and demanding . Getting threatened or yelled at by a patientís family is a daily occurrence. The nice part about COVID nursing /case management was that people stopped that. They were appreciative. Seriously, once things got better around here, they came back with a vengeance. I do still know I make a difference even if they donít appreciate it. But I take a beating at work. As well as I do at home with my daughter.

I have been living my life as my purpose here is to raise a happy healthy daughter and a productive member of society. I take joy in that and figure itís my purpose. But whatever is happening to her lately is disheartening. I feel like Iím failing somewhere. And I am the sole enforcer of consequences and having that very close mother/daughter relationship which comes with lots of friction too of course..... itís really been a challenge. It takes all the energy I have in my soul which isnít much lately. And this is while/after I deal with the other soul suckers at work.

I guess my 2 reasons for living and making my time here in earth worth it , because there isnít much else, are really testing me right now.

Leaving me so. Drained. I guess the other hard part is I have no outlet. Everyone things Iím fun loving ginger. No one and I mean no one IRL knows what I feel like inside and you would never ever know from the outside. I still even go out and have fun when given the opportunity . Itíll be like 2 hours I can escape from reality.

Iím really going to start looking into that vacation. I donít care if I donít really have the money Because itís an emergency situation. It really is. Iím going to start working on it at work today, lol

Thank you so much for that suggestion. I think itís really important for me

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904604
09/28/20 03:53 AM
09/28/20 03:53 AM
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You are most welcome, Ginger. It sounds like you are overdue for a vacation focused on you. A wellness retreat sounds wonderful.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I actually have a lot of vacation time left at work. I put in for some time. I think Iím going to take maybe a 3-4 day break just for me. My daughter will freak. She will give me the ď you are going WITHOUT me?!?Ē But too darned bad. She had a nice long vacation to Myrtle beach and supposedly is going to Hawaii next year.
[/quote


Just as they say during the safety demonstration in flights, you need to put your mask on first before you help others. Your well being is important for you to take care of your daughter. I don't think you should feel guilty about taking some time for yourself to heal when she is with her father.

[quote=Ginger1] But whatever is happening to her lately is disheartening. I feel like Iím failing somewhere. And I am the sole enforcer of consequences and having that very close mother/daughter relationship which comes with lots of friction too of course..... itís really been a challenge.


Your daughter is growing up and is likely to assert a need for more independence as a teenager. The harder you hold the rope, the more she may rebel. Perhaps give her a little more space and cut her some slack on minor things that are not serious? I don't know if this is the case but I would encourage you to think about whether you are giving your daughter the space she needs or if you are struggling with a loss of control as she transitions from the little girl, whose life revolved around you, to a teenager.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904642
09/28/20 02:55 PM
09/28/20 02:55 PM
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Is your daughter home alone all day doing remote learning, or has her school opened up now? If sheís home alone, what do you have in place to make sure sheís not getting into trouble? Parental controls or tracking on the computer to make sure sheís not being targeted by creeps? Nanny cam? I donít want to sound paranoid - most likely this is just ordinary teen angst and separation from the same sex parent - but a change in behavior in a teen always warrants investigation (says the mother of a teen who developed anorexia/bulimia around this age).

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: kml] #2904645
09/28/20 03:12 PM
09/28/20 03:12 PM
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Originally Posted by kml
If sheís home alone, what do you have in place to make sure sheís not getting into trouble?
My daughter did some pretty risky things online that we had to deal with. She was not happy at all when Dad found out the explicit conversations she was having. Lots of creepy guys trying to get her on webcam and one even called the house. For some reason she didn't think that Dad would be able to easily find the log files when he got concerned about the amount of late night / closed door internet activity she was doing.

I don't know if she thought it was innocent fun or not but we had quite the talk about it. After that she got a lot more careful to be sure that I couldn't track her online activities. And I like to think was more aware of the risks and took less. She turned out well but it was a challenging time for her mother and I.

It's easy for a kid to view it as innocent fun but it's not. And that was over 10 years ago. I'm sure things have gotten a lot more scary since then.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904648
09/28/20 03:27 PM
09/28/20 03:27 PM
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I work 5 minutes away from home and she is very serious about school. School is live streamed and she needs to be present. And I will what if she is not. We FaceTime multiple times throughout the day and I have no worries there.

She is very innocent in many ways. I check all her devices, and she is legit doing school all day. I hear from her on every break and lunch. I am thankful for the fact she does handle all of that very well and her grades are all 100%

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904727
09/29/20 02:36 PM
09/29/20 02:36 PM
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I have a few minutes for a real update as Iím waiting in the ortho office.

Sunday my ex and I had an exchange and he and everyone basically is noticing her behavior. It just had to be addressed. My ex was actually reasonably, validating and nice with me about it and he told me he understands km the one who mostly deals with it.

I got home from work Sunday night and D and I had a talk. And it went awful at first. She was crying and hyperventilating and shaking. She canít handle anything negative being said about her. And trust me, I took the right approach to it, I made sure, because I know how sensitive she is. Well, after I thought we might have to both get a psych evaluation , everything calmed down and it went really well. And for at least the pst day and a half I have been seeing my old D13 and sheís reclaimed her manners, is more helpful, laughing, talking, ect.

While she didnít say anything was bothering her, she did mention some stuff like how she doesnít see her stepmother as a parent and sheís just another person in her life. I told her either way she is an adult, you live you under her roof, she does love you , and you have to respect her. She did mention her dad can still be kind of mean and never talks to her the way I have had this conversation with her. Interesting enough she says she thinks he has no feelings because sheís never seen him cry. And I explained that men are raised to hide their feelings sadly enough and that crying isnít ďmanlyĒ but I assured her thatís not the case.

I am going to get her a therapist, although I called a group in town under her insurance and every last therapist is totally booked. Apparently that business is booming. But I will find one. But she seems so much lighter, sweeter, not so b!tchy since we had that talk. The attitude is gone, we laugh together, we lay together in her bed and talk about school. Iím off today and when I left the house for an appt, she got up from her class and gave me a kiss and a hug goodbye.

Iím hoping this continues and I hope to keep everything back on track.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904731
09/29/20 03:10 PM
09/29/20 03:10 PM
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(((((((G))))))))))

I don't know, but after reading your last few posts, it just felt like a hug was in order. While I don't negate the validity and seriousness of the sexual predation issue online that both kml and Andrew raised, I can't help but wonder if all of this is just a case of extreme teenager-it is, mixed in with the weird uncertainty of all things Covid.

You are an awesome mom. Little G's dad is her dad. He may not be the best dad in the world, but he loves her and hopefully she knows that. I think that her stepmom loves her too, based on things you say. Our oldest daughter went through a rough, rebellious patch and she went from being the sweet, quiet, down to earth kid she always was to rebelling against her mother because her mother put her in the spot of parenting her 2 younger sisters 99% of the time. Oldest daughter started acting out, talking to older boys, even tried running off with one. Fortunately, XH was smart enough to intervene and I stayed out of it mostly, since we weren't even married yet. But, as OD worked through her demons, with the help of trusted family advisors and her dad, she came back to herself and kind of settled back into a "normal" routine. It was a rough 6 months or so, but she got past it. Our other 2 daughters had similar short spans of rebellion but pretty much went back to normal once they worked through their stuff. Get her counseling, keep talking to her, whatever you have to do to help her work through whatever is going on in her head. I can't tell you how many tear-filled conversations I had with my girls, crying over the fact that their mother chose a man over them, which was exacerbating their underlying drama. She just needs to know that someone is listening to her and validating her and she'll find her stride again.

In my own experience, there were times when I really wanted to throw my hands up, but I hung in there with them and we all got back on track. I think being a teenager is just a hard thing and harder for some than others. It most certainly can't be any easier with all of the current situations in our world.

Hang in there, G. Seriously, you are amazing. Little G is a good kid and she's growing up. There is bound to be some drama, head-butting, and other miscellaneous power struggles as she tries to figure out her own way in life. I think kml or someone else said it before in a post, but you will be amazed when little G gets to about 20-ish and you all of a sudden become the wise woman in her life once again. It happens EVERY TIME. You got this, girl! wink


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904960
10/03/20 07:51 PM
10/03/20 07:51 PM
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Dawn, I appreciate your post more than you m ow. Some days I feel like I am failing miserably as a parent. Itís really tough that Iím in the position where everyone comes to complain to me about her behavior like itís my job solely to fix and like itís all my fault. Itís a lot to be solely responsible for. And everyone has their opinions. A good part of it is just her being a teenager. But I am not in the camp of using that excuse for not doing anything about it. So there has got to be consequences. I do have expectations and she needs to meet them in order to get the good extras in life. It just gets super heavy when you are doing it on your own. My ex was kind enough to validate that I get the brunt of it . He knows it because Iím mostly with her. But itís a lonely place to raise children from birth by yourself. Itís really hard and pressure filled. No support, constant doubt... not even a my own mom to guide me. Itís more in my older age not having a mom or a mother figure do I realize how much it has impacted me.

Anyways. We are managing with some slip ups that get consequences. But her mood is lighter and more enjoyable. Thatís a plus.

Me on the other hand is a mess. I probably did tear my meniscus according to my surgeon. I have an MRI Wednesday to confirm and see what kind of tear and why the next step is. And the worst part? If I need surgery, I have no one to take me or care for me. My dad is getting his own procedure. I seriously have no one and that is a real tough pill to swallow. I guess Iíll worry about it more when I know what the course of action is. My foot, saw that doctor yesterday and got another shot. He thinks itís something else that can really only be helped by medications I am really trying to avoid. I want to exercise, hike, walk, take adventures, even if solo, but I canít. So I eat and drink instead and that isnít doing very good for me. I want to get out into nature which I love.

Iím visiting a friend tomorrow and we are going to a winery by her house. I am also buying 2 brand new bicycles from her for me and D 13 . I can comfortably bicycle ride right now, so Iím Hopi be that will get me out with some exercise. Iím trying .

Iím reorganizing all my closets and trying to really minimize and get rid of any clutter. I have no storage and Iím sick of seeing stuff out. I want it away. So Iím making it happen. Itís looking pretty good so far. That will be my Saturday night plans and Iím looking forward to it.

Oh, and I did lease a brand new car and I got a really awesome deal and I love it. Thatís definitely a bright spot.

Iím keep in keeping on. Iím hoping for a decent amount of time off in November and December and hope to take a long weekend getaway for myself.

A lot of people ask me if Iím dating. And I say no. Then they ask why. And I say I would t want to date me now, so I probably wouldnít attract the best partners. I have a coworker retiring, and we are having a party for her and her 44 year old single son is coming and everyone wants to hook me up with him. This should be interesting. Or really uncomfortable, lol. Guess I better dress nice.

D13 is getting her a special curly cut right now and I canít stay in the salon, so Iím waiting at a cafe. I canít wait to see it. Hopefully she loves it !

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2904975
10/04/20 01:57 AM
10/04/20 01:57 AM
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hormones rage in the teen years, suddenly you have one foot in childhood, where it is safe and known, and another somewhere else entirely. add covid to the mix and yuck. poor little G! I'm so proud of you G for how you parent her. Glad there's been a turnaround. just keep it a day at a time. Very sorry about your knee frown boy does that stink - I get it because I'm still rehabbing the ankle. sending hugs


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2905313
10/09/20 12:58 AM
10/09/20 12:58 AM
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Radom thoughts:

D13 is doing much better. Still a teenager, but an improved one. I took her and her friend out to dinner tonight and it was fun. Iím taking her and her 2 friends apple picking Sunday.

Personally, I feel the winter blues setting in. It is a tough time of the year to be alone. I want somebody so much to cuddle with and talk to and enjoy sometime together. I have had all my dating apps deleted. I thought about going back on. I just do not want to be alone anymore. I can be alone. I just donít want to be. In the same breath, I donít want to put myself back out there. I am not confident right now. And the thought of dating is exhausting to me. I donít have those instant mutual connections. Rarely anymore. And I think I am plagued my really bad luck with online dating. Others make it seem effortless. A few weeks of doing the dating around and they find someone. 12 miserable years of it, and I got one significant relationship from it that left me heartbroken .
I just donít know that I have it in me.

I was talking to a colleague of sorts . She met her boyfriend 5 months ago in the parking lot of a grocery store. He left his car door open, she found him and told him and the rest was history. I need that in my life! Ha.

I just see another lonely holiday season on the horizon. I know Iíll never find anyone if I donít put the effort in. But I just donít have the drive. And I am not in a place mentally for more rejection.

If I do look back on some relationships, I do realize when I thought I was being vulnerable, I might have actually been insecure and havenít really let anyone in. Iíve had too many experiences of men keeping me at arms length , just close enough they boot me out if something better came along or when they needed to give. If I were to date again, I would be more vulnerable and open, at the same time, not putting so much thought and effort into doing things a certain way.

I donít know if any of that makes sense. One day I would like to just all to fall into place .

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2905316
10/09/20 01:17 AM
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I forgot to mention.

This may seem kind of pathetic, but today is day 4 no alcohol! I havenít gone 4 days without a drink in ....... well, I canít remember when! Feels good. Iíve developed a new addiction though. Tea. Iím a coffee drinker hard core, but after my cup in the morning, I now drink tea from afternoon until before bed. I try all different kinds. I donít add any sugar or milk. Just straight up tea.

I guess I could be hooked on worse things

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2905321
10/09/20 04:19 AM
10/09/20 04:19 AM
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Take your vitamin D - it really helps with seasonal affective disorder.

As for being more vulnerable - funny, I would have said you need to be less so. You need to be confident, flirtatious, but make men prove themselves to you and pursue you before you let them really know you. Counter-intuitive, I know.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2905326
10/09/20 07:58 AM
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Hi Ginger,

4 days no alcohol doesn't sound pathetic at all! I know my ex-GF drinks almost daily, and I drink the 1-2 days every couple weeks that are stressful. We could probably all do with a little less alcohol.

I feel the holidays coming, too! I would've had company for Thanksgiving if I stayed with my ex. I may make it into a service day, help families in need? That's usually fulfilling! Maybe consider the same? Although, I guess in your job you already do good for your community most days. Just an idea.


May'19 - Girlfriend of 2yrs left. Aug'19 - We became a "broken" couple (I needed validation, she screamed). Dec'19 - We gave up and went NC. Mar'20 - I've changed and she's eager for MC and us again.
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2905406
10/10/20 11:58 AM
10/10/20 11:58 AM
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Well, I really wasnít vulnerable. I just let myself fully enjoy the dating or a relationship. I treaded so lightly around M and i when we were becoming serious. Afraid to be too much, to embrace being a couple because I didnít want to do the ďwrongĒ thing or ďscare ď him away. I havenít been able to fully give myself to a relationship. Itís always in the back of my head how Iím the ďright nowĒ girl and not the ďrightĒ girl to most of the people I have dated. Even my own husband. That stuff sticks if and when I decide to date again, I am going to relax into it, enjoy it, and drop the insecurities.
I also take my Vit D gummies almost daily.

CW: thank you. Iíve been alone most holidays. If I donít have my D , I Usually work since I have a job that never sleeps, lol. One year I did volunteer at a sober men living shelter on thanksgiving and got my dad and his wife to do it with me. It was a great experience to watch these men have their families come and celebrate in a safe place with them.

As far as Christmas. Last year I had my D Christmas even into Christmas. The year before, I spent Christmas Eve with my ex BF and his family and stayed over and went to work the next morning. This year will be my first year in 4 seasons that I have spent Christmas Eve into Christmas morning alone. It is very difficult. I usually cry my way through it, honestly. I do have to work on Christmas again this year though, so I will treat that morning as any other and get up for work .

Sigh. I do promise to make it the best holiday season for my daughter . Because she just loves the holidays so much. Her mood increases by a million while mine tanks. But I will keep it going with the cheer for her.

We actually laid in her room this morning and listened to Christmas music. Because it makes her so happy.

Oh, and a wonderful side effect of the no drinking?

I can sleep without my sleeping pills! I sleep pretty decently. I thought it might be the opposite . I guess not. Iíll take it!

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2905415
10/10/20 02:58 PM
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(((Ginger))). I was interested to read about your thoughts that you go into relationships assuming you are the ďright nowĒ girl as opposed to the ďrightĒ girl for whoever you are dating. Thatís a pretty powerful message to give yourself that definitely may be impacting the course of your relationships. The brain is a powerful thing. Itís job is to keep us alive. It doesnít care if you are happy or not. So when you tell it that there is danger in relationships, it is going to keep you from investing in them. The words we tell ourselves are so important. Itís why diets fail so often. When I see a piece of cake and I tell myself that I canít have that cake because Iím on a diet, my brain says ďoh...you want that cake so I have to get it for youĒ and then my craving for it increases so that I either give in and have it or I manage to overcome my craving but my feelings of deprivation increase and it impacts my mood. If I see that piece of cake and tell my brain that I choose not to eat it because I want to be healthy, my brain says ďoh you donít want thatĒ and it makes it much easier to walk away from it. It is a subtle but very important difference.

Your post made me reflect on what it is I tell myself when I go out on a date or meet someone because I think I am one of those people who does pretty well dating. I definitely spend a bit of time wondering if the other person will like me or find me attractive and vice versa but overall, I do go into it expecting the other person to really like me. I think that comes from a couple places. The first is from my relationship with my father who looked at me and treated me as if I had hung the moon. The second is that Iíve had several long term relationships that resulted in an engagement (two of them I gave back the ring) and two marriages. So I think Iím pretty open and very much myself when I meet new people and expect things to go well. They donít always but then usually that is when the feelings, or lack thereof, are pretty mutual. KML is someone else who does pretty well dating and I suspect she approaches dating in the same way with similar expectations.

From your description, it seems like your relationship with your dad is challenging and that has probably impacted your inner sense of self growing up since a girlís relationship with her father is so important from a developmental perspective. I also wonder about your role in your family... if you were the ďcaretakerĒ or the good girl who got her approval and recognition for being good and taking care of others. This is pretty common and your chosen profession is probably no accident. You feel best when you are taking care of others. The downside of this is that, over time, you start to feel resentful and exhausted when people donít fully appreciate you or return your efforts. Thatís not a criticism of you...itís just human nature. Iím that way too. Looking after ourselves, putting ourselves first sometimes is a difficult shift to make...but it is a necessary one.

Anyway...Iím not exactly sure what Iím trying to say except that I agree with you. I suspect that your mindset is part of what is holding you back. We are all guilty of this in different areas of our lives. Overcoming our early programming is very difficult to do but it IS possible. You are a great catch Ginger. You need to really believe that about yourself and let people see it. (((HUGS)))

PS. There is a YouTube series that I think you would really benefit from watching. I will message you the link.


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2905426
10/10/20 05:32 PM
10/10/20 05:32 PM
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Quote
The first is from my relationship with my father who looked at me and treated me as if I had hung the moon.


Yes, I had that too. I did suffer when younger from some insecurities - bring a nerdy smart science type was a turn off for some guys. I spent way too much energy trying to please my ex and keep him happy. But since my divorce Iíve felt differently about dating. Coming off a long marriage, I donít NEED another man or a marriage to affirm me. Iím more concerned with whether a guy has something to offer me that I want in terms of companionship. And I no longer have a fixed idea of what that looks like. And not surprisingly, the less I pursue, the more men pursue me.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2905800
10/14/20 10:13 PM
10/14/20 10:13 PM
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So some interesting rid bits in my life.

I got a call from the dermatology office. Long story short, my cultures came back with some MRSA and another kind serious bacteria. They asked me how I was feeling before telling me and was surprised when I said I was fine. Why basically forgot to report the cultures to me which they should have done over a month ago. Luckily the bleach baths seem to do the trick, but they are going to treat me intranasally for any colonization of MRSA. They sounded like they expected me to be In septic shock or something and weíre relieved to find out I was fine, since they dropped the ball, which they tried to hide from me. Guess the universe was on my side.

Then I always check whoís in ER so I know what admissions Iím coming into on my floor..... and there he is again. That guy I went on a date with a year ago and talked to for 2 months who said ď he thinks I would make a great partner but he needs to focus on his kidsĒ more like he needed to focus on his drinking. Heís back with liver failure and is being admitted to my unit. He will be there when I get in tomorrow. My coworker of course offered to take him for him. Conflict of interest. But Iím sure Iíll see him. He probably wonít remember me though, since he went through his drunken psychotic withdrawal stint in January. Very sad. He has 3 kids 12-16.

I realize I really do want to date again. I might be ready. We hve a doctor who I have had my eye on. I never knew if he was single, but heís cute. And I never mentioned it to anyone. Today my coworker said ďhey gineen, Dr so and so is single! I may not be where I want to be physically , I may be struggling, but I really would love some companionship and I still have some love in my tank to give. Would love to spend some time with a member of the opposite sex I click with. I havenít truly clicked with anyone since M.

And in a good note. My daughter wants to try for this special high school academy. Itís hard to get in. But sheís really interested in the animal sciences program. Her grades are good enough. But she has to really apply herself. She does the minimum and does well, but she has to really work. The downside is itís kind of far so she would have to be up early and she could only stay at her dads house Friday night and saturday night .
But if she wants it, I support her. She is also running the town 5k this Saturday and is going back to school tomorrow on a hybrid schedule.

Iím hanging in there. Went to the gym last night and it felt good. I have not had a drink I 10 days! I will be having one or 2 next Tuesday at a retirement party. But I totally cut out any drinking that isnít social . Iím proud of myself .

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2905802
10/14/20 10:36 PM
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great update G - I'm so thankful you're not showing signs of MRSA. What is a bleach bath - sounds ... intense?

I'm proud of you too! for many more reasons than the cutting out of alcohol xoxoxo mwah


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2905810
10/15/20 12:41 AM
10/15/20 12:41 AM
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Originally Posted by Ginger1
Long story short, my cultures came back with some MRSA and another kind serious bacteria... sounded like they expected me to be In septic shock or something and weíre relieved to find out I was fine, since they dropped the ball, which they tried to hide from me. Guess the universe was on my side.

OMG welcome to todayís healthcare. Way, way overpriced and often so under-delivered. So you or your insurance or someone paid for just what? What good is ordering and paying for diagnostic testing if the results are never utilized? And stories like these are so so so common. Like a friend who had a central line placed, only the anesthesiologist or someone left the guide wire and part of the sheath in his arm!!! For several years!!!! He had multiple CT scans that dictated in the narrative there appears to be a foreign body in his arm. Finally after repeated complaints it was figured out. His court trial is scheduled to start next week unless there is a last minute settlement.

Yeah, itís also on the patient to call back and say ďhow did my blood tests and cultures turn out?Ē And no you didnít do that but what the ever lovin F. It has gotten so anyone going through our broken healthcare system needs a knowledgeable advocate along side of them at all times. In fact I think that would be a great business. No, insurance probably wouldnít cover it, then again it might be able to be demonstrated that they save money on all the missed items. I know there are people out there would gladly hire a knowledgeable person to walk them through it and check up on things just like they hire a financial planner or other types of consultants.

Good thing it cleared. You knew in your gut that this was more than just poison ivy yet how many license practitioners tried to convince you otherwise? And then the one that was smart enough to know it was more than poison ivy never followed up. Yet we are constantly told to trust the science and trust the experts with Covid! AS IF!!!!!!!!!!


DonH
Midwest
Me 56
WAW-EXW 55
Met 11/95 / Married 5/00
Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06
4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2905846
10/15/20 05:46 PM
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Well, that is just scary! I'm glad they gave you an answer, but oh my goodness...ÖÖÖÖ


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2906039
10/17/20 10:10 PM
10/17/20 10:10 PM
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This has been a mentally challenging week in a few ways. I think that guy did recognize me. And he looks so godawful. Yellow. Big belly with ascites. Heís not the very handsome guy I went on a date with . Heís in completely denial. And he hasnít had one visitor . Very very sad.

D13 is reverting again. Trying to keep a 13 year old on top of her game is very exhausting. Especially alone. Caregiving is very exhausting when no one cares for you or has in a long long time. I feel at wits end. Having zero support is one of the hardest things. But what can I do??

Last minute yesterday a coworker whoís mom is in the hospital needed coverage this weekend so I volunteered. I had the weekend to myself, no work at all, but I have no life, and no one to spend my time with so I figured I could help her out. She was so thankful she cried. I get Monday and Tuesday off, so thatís a plus.

On the plus side, I was able to help 2 nice patients a d their families and they both thanked me very much for compassion and they took my name down do they can say positive things about me on the survey. I thought that was nice.

And a coworker who only works weekends whom I love worked today. And she is pregnant! Sheís 28 and such a beautiful soul. And so emotionally intelligent. She is not married to the guy, he was her boyfriend in college and he moved to San Diego for grad school and they broke up, and they have been dating for the past year since they got back. He treats her like gold. Sheís going to be such an amazing mommy. She said if and when she does get married, Iím invited. Yay!

Some days I am envious of others. But mostly, feel such a happiness for those who have all the love and Iím so happy when wonderful things happen to them. Good people deserve good things

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2906048
10/18/20 01:30 AM
10/18/20 01:30 AM
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Sorry about D13. Itís such a tough age. And a natural age to try to separate from the same sex parent. I feel you.

(((((Hug)))))

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2906237
10/20/20 01:34 AM
10/20/20 01:34 AM
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Just when I thought my life couldnít get any worse... it did.

My accountant made a mistake on my 2018 tax return to the tune of about 5k.

5 thousand dollars the government wants from me.

After the 2k I lost from my cruise .

After the 12k for my ruptured implant in 2019.

And itís only me, just a nurse to deal with this.

Perhaps I should get job 3 and 4?


I am having a full on nervous breakdown. I hate my life. I really really do.

If it wasnít for our divorce agreement, I would sell my house and move. I canít live like this anymore.

I am seriously cursed. The black cloud is relentless.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2906239
10/20/20 04:31 AM
10/20/20 04:31 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
K
kml Online
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kml  Online
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
What kind of mistake does an accountant make that results in a $5k bill on a nurses salary? Thatís a pretty huge mistake! If theyíre that incompetent, please make sure the new amount is correct before you pay it!

Really sorry about this. Youíre going to be ok though. And youíll get to move in a few years. There will be light at the end.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2906254
10/20/20 01:46 PM
10/20/20 01:46 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
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DejaVu6 Offline
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Iím with KML. That makes no sense. How can you even owe $5,000 in the first place? With a dependent, you should be getting some money back every year, not owing. I would double check that. Also...if this is accurate, maybe you can work out some kind of payment plan instead of having to pay it all back at once? Or go to one of those places that helps negotiate lower amounts. Not sure about the US but in Canada there are companies that will help people consolidate their debts so the payments are manageable and will approach the government to have the money owed reduced (consumer proposal or something like that?). Iíve never done it but I used to hear the advertisements for it. You could also get a small loan. Not ideal but you would pay less interest on a loan than the government would charge you in interest. Iím assuming this $5,000 includes two years worth of interest which is probably why the amount is so high. That really sux Ginger. I am so sorry this is happening to you. For what it is worth, I totally believe that good things happen to good people and you are a good person so your time is coming. Just hang in there. As KML said... there is a light at the end of the tunnel. (((HUGS)))


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2906265
10/20/20 02:58 PM
10/20/20 02:58 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,283
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Ginger1 Online OP
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Ginger1  Online OP
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Posts: 5,283
Itís really true. This is really happening to me.

I spoke to my accountant last night. It was an oversight on his pet.

I remember it clearly now. I had a rollover IRA that I pulled the money out of for the Down payment on my home . I set a certain amount aside anticipating that I would have to pay a tax penalty. I ended up pretty much breaking even so I used that money for expenses in my new house .

I only get to claim my D every other year, on the odd years. My ex gets to claim her even years.

He can do a payment play meant plan with the IRS. But I have been working my butt off to pay down debts and they just keep appearing out of no where. Itís never ending. I work like an animal and have zip to show for it.

I need to get out of this god forsaken state. There will be no relief until I do. If I told you my mortgage , you would pass out. If I told you rents relative to my mortgage. You would die. Itís not doable on a one family income.

Anyways, I appreciate you guys thinking good things are coming my way, and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

But my life has been a struggle since I was a kid. It has not been so stable, Iíve been through so much. And every time I have ever seen a light, sure as sh!t the black cloud rolls right in. I have absolutely zero reason to be hopeful about anything. And Iím also in this struggle alone.

My daughter saw my nervous breakdown last night. Unfortunately this house I pay so much for is really tiny and there is no where to hide to have a proper breakdown . I feel bad she saw it. But I lost it. And she hugged me and told me she loves me .

Some people have godawful luck. Iím one of them. And Iím done paying for my wrong doings in life.

In my 40 years this might be the lowest Iíve felt .

I have a retirement party tonight. I donít even want to go and I was really looking forward to it. I did a very hardcore workout this morning and all of a sudden I found all the stamina I had lost. It was one hour I didnít think about anything but breathing. It was good. I guess itís my medication. With a heart rate of 180, lol

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2906270
10/20/20 04:39 PM
10/20/20 04:39 PM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
K
kml Online
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kml  Online
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
Yeah - you need a new accountant, that's a pretty big error.

Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2906278
10/20/20 06:57 PM
10/20/20 06:57 PM
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
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bttrfly Offline
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bttrfly  Offline
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 3,849
Massachusetts
i'm so sorry G


M 20+ T25+
S 15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
H moved out 4/24/15
D Final 12/23/16
When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: Ginger1] #2906284
10/20/20 07:33 PM
10/20/20 07:33 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
Posts: 2,598
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Dawn70 Offline
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Dawn70  Offline
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Joined: Oct 2014
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Man, that just sux, G. I'm so sorry everything just keeps piling on. (((G)))


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: What the AF??!!?? [Re: kml] #2906300
10/20/20 09:10 PM
10/20/20 09:10 PM
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 27,661
Southern Maryland
job Offline

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job  Offline

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Posts: 27,661
Southern Maryland
Is there any way that he can be held accountable for the error, i.e., like he pay a portion of the money owed? After all, it was his oversight, not yours.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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