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The girl he is "not talking to like that" changed her fb status to in a relationship. Honestly, I just feel like dying right now. I don't know how to get through this, especially while caring for 3 kids and keeping my sh*t together.

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Hi Rachel ,

I'm sorry you are feeling so awful. It absolutely does hurt, you're right to feel that way.

Have you decided if you are standing for your marriage? That is the first and most important thing to do as far as DB is concerned.

If you have decided to stand, it is important that you leave him alone. He is going to be making some very bad decisions, ones that will not make any sense to you.

Also - the reason people tell you to leave him alone and not snoop what he is doing is because of what just happened - you saw her SM post and it sent you reeling, right? Your job is to get yourself off that rollercoaster.

The WAS is acting on a flush of hormones and emotions, and they are extremely irrational. My advice is to stop looking at what he is doing on social media, stop asking him any kind of questions unless it is related to the well-being of the kids, and do not have any relationship talks.

You cannot control what he is going to do.

You can, however, control what YOU do.

Have you read DB or DR yet? They are both invaluable resources.

Focus on your kids and yourself. Be the best parent you can be.

You CAN do this smile

Take care.

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I am so sorry you are going through this, Rachel.

I second everything that IronWill said above.

From a mother's perspective, I know all too well that sickening feeling of discovering the 'truth' from a lying husband in the midst of an affair and having all those little kids around to have to take care of. All you want to do is curl up in a ball and sob and wail at the injustice of it all. But then who would take care of the kids? It is absolutely one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. It is SO UNFAIR.

Do you have family or friends around? I know that on this board and DBing in general suggests keeping fairly tight lips on what you are going through, but I needed the support of friends and family to get through those really hard moments. Someone to watch the kids so you could drive to a parking lot and cry. Or a girlfriend to come over after the kids were asleep and let you sob on her shoulders. At my lowest point, my brother and his family came up to stay with me for a week and they cooked and cleaned and loved on my children so that I could just survive. My depression and sadness was so acute that I went to my dr and told him everything and was given some support and tools to get through the following few months.

Be easy on yourself. You don't have to keep your sh*t together. You just have to get through the next 5 minutes. Your body will go into auto-mode and you will put food on the table for the kids, you will bathe them and put them in bed and then you will have some time alone to process or not. It is OK if you are not the best mother at the moment (I beat myself up over this until someone on this board gave me permission to absolve myself of that guilt). You will get that back, I promise.

And although I am not too far ahead of you on this process, you will survive this, I promise.

Hugs

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Sage gives very sage advice...lol. Sorry...couldn’t help myself. Definitely lean on family and friends if you can. That certainly helped in my sitch. Always felt better after I had spent time with someone else instead of being alone with my thoughts all of the time.

Also...Sage mentioned going to the doctor. I did that as well when my anxiety and sadness were at their peak. She put me on an AD that was also an anti-anxiety med. I think it helped. She also prescribed a few Ativan for those really sleepless nights. I think I was on them for about four or five months before I weaned myself off. I cannot say for sure that it helped but looking back, it sure seemed to.

Hang in there. Stay strong. You can get through this. (((HUGS)))

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Thank you so much. This really helped me, all 3 of you. I have been considering going to the doctor, but I really did not like AD in the past. Maybe I should see if something else could help though. (anti anxiety meds maybe?)

I do have family, but my family doesn't know what is going on with us. His family is fairly in the loop and very supportive of me. That is encouraging, but I do try not to talk too many details with them.

I know I need to stop snooping. It is SO hard. Especially when I know how to access all of his stuff. I'm going to make that my goal for this week.

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Oh. and yes, I am going to stand for my marriage. I obviously don't want it the way it has been lately, but I do want to fight to fix it and stay married.

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Great goal Rachel. Definitely stop snooping. It will do you no good whatsoever. And trust me...what you imagine from the small amount of information you gain from it will be ten times worse than the reality. You cannot control what he does or what happens with this woman so do not even try. It will turn you into someone you don’t want to be and make things even harder. Take your focus off of him and put it on you and your kids. He is going to do what he is going to do regardless. (((HUGS)))

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This coming Monday is my youngest daughter's 3rd birthday. This weekend is also supposed to be my husband's second weekend with the kids. The informal agreement is that he has them every other weekend and can see them on some in between times when we agree upon it. On his last weekend, I went out of town and left them alone. I can't afford to do that again so I am going to stay here at the house while he is here (he does not have an apartment yet and has been living with a friend). Since DD birthday is Monday, I suggested we do some of her birthday things this weekend so he can be involved.

I can handle being around him as long as he is being civil, but I have a REALLY hard time not feeling sick when I see him on his phone. I just imagine him messaging the girl he is talking to and have to force myself to not check his phone. Any advice on dealing with that this weekend? I know I need to not bring her up and pretend she does not exist. He still claims it is a friendship and nothing beyond. She also has 3 children and I am not sure whether she has been married before. They met because she was dating one of his friends a few months ago.

He is making little effort to contact the kids throughout the week. He promised in the beginning to call every night at bedtime and talk to them, but has only done that a handful of times. It makes me so angry as they just don't understand why he isn't here. It has gotten so bad that my youngest told me she "doesn't have a daddy anymore." The only time he mentions coming to see them during the week is if I bring up that he has barely spoken to them. At this point, I usually just tell him no, that he can wait for his weekend to see them. When he is here all he seems to do is turn on the tv anyway. I think half the reason I want to resolve this asap is just so they can stop hurting and being confused.

Last edited by rachel75; 08/28/20 07:06 PM.
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No easy answer Rachel. Yes...absolutely do NOT bring her up. That is a cheeseless tunnel as they like to say around here. It will get you nowhere and only increase the tension and resentment between you and your H. And DO NOT check his phone...not under any circumstances. Another cheeseless tunnel that will only hurt you in the long run. Focus on your daughter and do not waste time watching him and trying to figure out what he is doing.

Also...I don't know the exact details of your arrangement with your H in terms of him being at the house but is there any reason he can't just come over and take her out? Does he have to stay with you or be in the house? I would also steer clear of family outings for now too if I were you. I know it feels like it is better for your D but it really isn't. It sends confusing messages and it is also really, really hard for the LBS to maintain their "everything is okay with me" stance when it is such early days and there is an AP involved. IMO, it is needless self-torture.

I remember early on in my sitch, my XH had our kids out on our (now his) boat. I was at home and had plans to do some yard work and go to my sister's for dinner. He texted me to see if I wanted to join them on the boat to go check crab traps. If I had fully understood DBing at the time, I would have politely declined and went ahead with my plans. But...I really wanted to spend some time on the boat and at that stage (first few weeks) I still had hope that we could reconcile (he was not admitting to OW and was still calling it a "break") so I said okay. The boat ride was nice, felt like old times, but then afterward he dropped me off at my car and then took the kids to the pumpkin patch as he had originally planned. In my head, I had pictured us going out on the boat and then him inviting me to continue on with him and the kids. When that didn't happen, I was devastated and I ended up sending him a nasty text that I later on regretted. He apologized and seemed quite shocked that I was upset...said he had felt GUILTY about being on the boat without me and was "reaching out" (translation...to alleviate his guilt, not because he wanted me there). Anyway...I learned a big lesson that day. The first was to stick with my plans and the second one was that I needed to let go of any expectations I had of him and his behaviour towards me. I also learned that I felt much better by myself than I did when we were spending time as a "family" because the whole time I felt like it was a lie and I would either feel sad or mad or some combination of both and it would end up being a big setback.

Only you know your situation and your own level of tolerance so you should do what you think is right. Just take my advice for what it is worth...from someone who has walked a mile in your shoes and made all kinds of mistakes. Also someone who, two years later, is divorced and loving her life. I NEVER for a second thought I would get there when I was at the stage you are at. Hopefully just knowing that you can survive and even thrive after something like this is of some comfort to you. (((HUGS)))

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Hi Rachel

5 months in here and doing well. I will second no snooping, like literally stay away from his phone, if you see it walk the other way. You need to work on letting go of control. Yes he is their father but you cant make him see them more often, dont guilt him, you need to concentrate on being the best mum you can be for them, regardless of what he does or doesnt do. I read you post and i remember me, i wanted to do things together for the kids, but it was desperate and it didnt matter to the kids in the end. They live with me, we do cool stuff all the time, they see their dad whenever and i found they often are disinterested. It is his relationship with the kids and not your responsibility to maintain, just make sure yours is solid.

Again the setup with family support was exactly how it was for me. I cant tell you what a relief it was to tell my family. Huge difference, as there is no conflict of interest. His family will always be his, you can maintain a neutral relationship with them for the kids. I no longer speak to Mil about my h, only about me and the kids. It works well, neutral and respectful.



Ah the tv thing, same here....we have a no gadget rule during the week, so when h is here and gadgets come out i just collect them all at the end of the day.

Dejavu is D and there is life after D, im 5 months in and H hasnt filed yet and im alive and well and enjoying life.


Do i want us to recon, if he is willing to change and go through his crisis then yes of course, i dont want you to think that im doing well because i dont care anymore, i simply accepted the situation.

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