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Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903431
09/09/20 07:54 PM
09/09/20 07:54 PM
Joined: Oct 2014
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Dawn70 Offline
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Originally Posted by DejaVu6

RE: TDH and the speed of our relationship. I guess on one hand it is fast given how much we have seen each other physically but the emotional/intellectual part has been developing over a couple months so when we did meet in person, it really did not feel like it was for the first time. IDK...can’t really explain it but every communication I have with him just gets better and better and I know his feelings for me are genuine. He texted me at 4 a.m. on Monday (he knows my phone is on silence) that he was thinking about me and when I asked him what he was doing up that late, he said he couldn’t sleep cause he was worried about me having surgery.

Anyway...pain pills are kicking in so have to sign off. Will write more later. (((HUGS)))


I was in that place with Sparky, too, when we first met where we talked for awhile before meeting in person, so I do get that aspect of what you went through. We met online and chatted a bit that way and had originally planned to meet face to face relatively quickly just in the interest of feeling things out to see what happened and either move forward or move on. Then life happened and his dad got sick and despite being ill, died rather unexpectedly, and Sparky had to deal with all of that because he is an only child and his mother just lost it at that point. So, we pushed our meeting back and would just talk through text or on the phone. So, originally, we planned to meet in person right at a month after we first started talking, but it got pushed back another nearly 2 months, so we did feel like we'd known each other for awhile when we met in person. Where I differ from you (and it is ok that we differ because we are different people) is that once we met, I still proceeded very slowly and that was mainly because of the big XH-sized hole that was left in my ability to trust. Sparky had to pay for that a bit and we still talk about that occasionally as I try to make amends for that. It was not his fault but I still held him at arm's length. And, I'm super fortunate that he liked me enough to stay at arm's length and let me guide the pace. But, like I said in response to bttrfly's post, those were my choices and not likely the same ones others would make in my shoes, so it is what it is. We all see and do things differently based on what we have lived through in the past.


Me 50, H52
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
4 grandkids (plus 2 on the way)
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903479
09/10/20 03:26 AM
09/10/20 03:26 AM
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 227
Midwest
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harvey Offline
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harvey  Offline
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Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 227
Midwest
DV,

My current GF and I clicked immediately. I introduced her to my Mom and my cousin (who is like a sister to me) two weeks after meeting her. I'd keep doing what you are doing. The only thing I did differently was I didn't introduce her to my daughters until I knew we were solid. I knew my daughters weren't really ready for Dad to be with somebody other than their Mom. They really weren't comfortable with her until a couple of months ago. Your kids may be entirely different.

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903483
09/10/20 11:45 AM
09/10/20 11:45 AM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,498
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DnJ Offline
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Good Morning DV

Ahhhh, the reclining couch. smile

Iím glad the surgery went well and you are home and feeling good.

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903496
09/10/20 02:40 PM
09/10/20 02:40 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Thanks Harvey. XH has been with someone else this entire time and the kids like her. My kids are more than ready to see me with someone new. They want that for me. They liked Jack but, like everyone else in their family, didnít think he was the right person for me. The first meeting with TDH went really well. You can tell he is used to being around kids and likes them. Given the distance between us, the exposure to him canít help but be gradual and over a long period of time as most of the time, he will be here when the kids are with their dad. Iím excited to see where this goes but I havenít lost my mind. I know that things could go wrong and that LDRís are tough. But both of us are committed to giving it a shot so weíll see.

Thanks DnJ. So...surgery... holy cr@p!!! The things we do to look good. Day one was definitely more comfortable than day two and probably day three which has just started. At least I was able to roll out of bed this morning without a searing pain in my incision area. Today I have to do some laps of the house which seems like a lot of effort at this stage...lol. Hopefully this will feel better soon. laugh


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903518
09/10/20 10:47 PM
09/10/20 10:47 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,283
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Ginger1 Online
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Iím wishing you a speedy recovery! Iím glad everything went smoothly. My friend had the surgery and was in quite a bit of pain , but boy did she love the results!

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903523
09/10/20 11:40 PM
09/10/20 11:40 PM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Thanks Ginger. Thatís really good to know. Iíve managed to go most of the day without a pain killer but just caved and took one. I think I should be feeling much better by the end of the weekend. Like my sister keeps saying... ďeye on the prize, eye on the prize.Ē Caught a glimpse of my new belly button. Looks pretty good from what I can see. smile


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903666
09/13/20 02:24 AM
09/13/20 02:24 AM
Joined: Oct 2018
Posts: 1,674
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DejaVu6 Offline OP
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DejaVu6  Offline OP
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Day four of recovery from my surgery. My sister is still here. I donít know what they were talking about in their pre-op info about needing someone around for a couple of days. Whoever decided that hasnít had this surgery...lol. Thereís no way I could go to the store to get groceries or drive my car. I can get out of bed and off the couch but Iím not allowed to stand up straight so my back can only handle a few laps around the house and I canít stand for very long. Kids have been with XH all week but are coming back tomorrow. My sister has offered to drive them to school until I can. I told my work I would be back on the 22nd but I think Iím going to move that to the 29th. My post op with my surgeon isnít until the 24th and I need a note from him before I can go back anyway. Wednesday is my appointment with the his nurse...hoping my drains can come out as they are pretty bulky.

TDH has been in touch every day. Itís hard talking to him though cause he is really funny and it hurts a lot to laugh. He called me last night from his back yard and his son wandered out after weíd been talking for a few minutes. He wanted to say hi so TDH handed him the phone and we had a nice little chat. Told me he didnít think his dad is as funny as I think he is and that he also hopes he can meet me soon. Great phone manners for an 11 year old.

So I just had a text conversation with XH. Apparently OWs transplant will come with a 12 hour heads up and then he says he needs to be in Van for a solid month. Ummm...that sounds a lot like me having the kids full time, I pointed out, and we havenít had one conversation about it. Really? He swears he talked to me about it. Um...not one word. And then after that month, he will be returning to work and going over there EVERY weekend for ??? Ummm...again...no conversation with me about it. Just an assumption that, because this is front and centre in his life, it will be front and centre in mine. Now donít get me wrong...of course I will take our kids when he needs me to...but is it too much to ask that we have a conversation and he at least asks me for my cooperation instead of just assuming it?... like... Gee...DV... I know that I basically abandoned you to single parent for four years but OW needs me so that trumps everything...including our legal agreement that says I will look after our kids 50% of the time. Does it make me an awful person that I find this irritating? I mean, if the shoe were on the other foot, I would never assume he would be there for me. Not in a million years. I would have sat down with him as soon as I knew I would need his help, told him what was going on and asked him for what I needed and then tried to figure out a Plan B for times that he couldnít help me out. IDK...am I wrong?


Me 51
H 46
B/G Twins 11
SD19
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903670
09/13/20 04:12 AM
09/13/20 04:12 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
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kml Online
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kml  Online
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Posts: 16,220
If you have 50:50 custody and gf doesnít pay child support then he at least needs to pay for some babysitters so you can go out once in a while during that time.

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903671
09/13/20 04:13 AM
09/13/20 04:13 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
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kml Online
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kml  Online
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,220
Ex not gf

Re: Living in the Light Part III [Re: DejaVu6] #2903676
09/13/20 04:17 PM
09/13/20 04:17 PM
Joined: Jan 2018
Posts: 2,498
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DnJ Offline
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DnJ  Offline
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Good Morning DV

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Thanks DnJ. So...surgery... holy cr@p!!! The things we do to look good.

Oh, I know!

I ran a bush through my hair this morning.

smile

Wait. Oh ya, surgery, incision, searing pain.

Now, donít go pulling a stitch laughing from that comedic gold up there. Lol


In your custody agreement, I think you had something about, if one of you could not take the kids the other had right to first option to look after them. XH may be ďstrictlyĒ misapplying it, however he is following the spirit of it. There are few things I would give that man props for; one is he has not weaponized the children. You two actually seem to have coparenting down pretty well.

Yes, him assuming and not asking is irritating. Feelings, they flit. Big picture, you are his first choice for coverage. That is a very good thing. Let go the feelings and roll with it. The end result is what youíd want.

Get the information from XH. Assure him that you are available with the 12 hours notice. Then go about your life. It does you no good to fret over something you cannot control and are going to agree too anyhow.


Take care DV.

D


Current
Me52 XW49 S23 S22 S19 D18

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

I may give up, but not today.
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